Everything was over. His vision was blurring, the cockpit powering down around him, and his body was beginning to feel heavy. All his thoughts sounded like his mother's voice, only afforded the ability to say he had done it and it was time to rest. As Eva fell back to the Earth, everything was silent around it, even when it collided with the ground and triggered a major seismic reaction. Collectively, it felt like everyone was holding their breath in wonder whether or not these were their final moments. Finally, as one engineer began to pick herself up, she heard a faint heartbeat coming through a monitor. Seconds later, the EVA seemed to reactivate, sitting up and reaching towards the sky in defiance. Much like its pilot in the cockpit, the EVA was howling, and his cry could be heard through intercoms in NERV headquarters. Suddenly the tension dissipated into cries of relief and joy. He had done it, the boy had become the beast that shouted "I" at the heart of the world.

Paramedics scrambled to pull him out of the cockpit while the adrenaline wore off. He could feel his sight blurring again but could see Misato giving orders while holding a wound to her side. As she would tell him when he woke up, "the bullet aimed at her had just missed a fatal point." When he woke up again, he found himself crying. He had done it. He made the choice for himself. Although the future wasn't set in stone, even if it meant he might one day have to repilot the EVA and fight Angels again, it didn't matter. He had made the right choice, and he hadn't run away.

Yet, once the dust settled, SEELE and NERV had been shut down, and Angel activity was practically non-existent, he ran away. He ran from it all; the city which hailed him as a hero, his friends, his home. Most importantly, he ran away from the one who was finally ready to open up to him.

He ran and never looked back.

Rebirth 1: Destruction

On this day three years ago, everyone was left in bewilderment when they saw him take his bag and walk away. While everyone remained frozen, she started running towards him to catch and stop him from leaving. All she wanted was to make sure he didn't leave her. Everything felt normal, and she couldn't understand why he felt he had to run away again. It's a memory she can't let go of, replaying it in her head numerous times as if trying to find his reason. Tears were streaming down her eyes, as she stood on a hilltop looking over Tokyo-2 recollecting the memory as if it were yesterday.

Three Years Ago –

"Where do you think you're going?" Asuka exclaimed between huffs of air to catch her breath, grabbing his arm and stopping him. He never looked back at her, instead just keeping forward while adjusting the bag back onto his shoulder.

"Leave me alone Asuka, you can't stop me," Shinji sounded defeated, yanking his arm out of her grasp to continue walking away.

"No you idiot, I'm not letting you leave until you tell me where you're going and why," she took another step forward and grabbed his arm again, applying resistance to keep him in place, "You don't get to just leave after everything! You've got nothing to run away from, everything is fine now," She waiting for a response, but Shinji remained silent. He was looking down at the ground, his shoulders slumping, "Please stop being an idiot for once and holding things in. Hasn't any of this taught you that you have us to lean onto and that you're not alone? Stop holding things and don't fall back into the cycle of being a spineless wimp."

"Asuka, please, you don't understand," was all she could hear from the soft, whispered tone Shinji had, "I can't be here, I can't do this. You'd think after everything I could shake this all off and enjoy life but…I brought so much devastation. I hurt so many people that I care about, and I will only continue to do so. I will always be a burden to everyone around me. I can't keep doing this anymore."

"Is that what you think? You think that leaning on people for support is being a burden. God you really are an idiot," Asuka snapped, moving towards being in front of him. She put her hands on his shoulders while trying to meet his eyes, "Look at me, Shinji. Please." His eyes finally met hers, "I can't tell you how to navigate whatever it is you're feeling, but I can't stand you feeling sorry for yourself. Not after you stopped Third Impact, you stopped SEELE from getting what they wanted, and you stood up to your father. You made those choices, baka, and all of us are here because of it. They all love you, and we're all thankful you chose us," She stopped for a moment, before sighting and becoming slightly timid, "I'm only going to say this once, so you better listen and listen well. Please stay with us, I'm begging to not leave because…"

Asuka wanted to tell him how she fell for him. Even in the moments where she appeared angry, or upset, she was simply confused about how she felt. She didn't want to admit that in their frenzied dance synchronization training intensive, there were moments that made her heart skip a beat. That in the quiet night she slept next to him, it was because she wanted to be next to him. Or in the moment when she was practicing diving into the lava, all she wanted was for him to see her as a woman. She was a teenager trying to figure herself out while clamoring for his affections.

Shouldn't that be enough to stay?

"Asuka, you don't need me, you've never needed me. I'm still the weak, pathetic boy you tease and despise. I thought it would change after that day, but it hasn't. I'd still the burden you don't want. So please, forget me, let me go already," he moved to the side of her as her hands fell back to her sides.

"So that's it then, Shinji? That's all you think of us, that we think you're a burden? Why can't you just accept that everyone wants you here because we care about you? Why does there have to be a need?"

"Because I'm nothing without EVA. Don't you get it?" Shinji replied in an outburst, dropping the bag and facing her, "And even then I wasn't good enough. Every fight, every struggle, I kept losing people I cared about. People I cared about continued getting hurt, and even though I stopped Third Impact I was the one who started it. I was useless, I wasn't a hero. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to see the world differently when I woke up from it all…but I can't. How can I be a hero of something I started."

"Maybe you have a responsibility for Third Impact, but you're not the only one to blame! Your father was the one -,"

"That's not the point!" Shinji interrupted Asuka, silence enveloping them both, "I am no hero, Asuka. I'm tired of being hailed as one, and I'm tired of everyone acting normal with me when they shouldn't. I'm tired of people pretending to act like I'm not the one who hurt them. And I don't want to be the one who can hurt them again. I just can't…I can't…"

"All I bring is pain for everyone I love. That's all I'm good for. So I need to go, before I hurt myself and others more. Just go back, Asuka. Let me have this,"

Asuka was at a loss for words, his words tearing her apart limb by limb. Her heart felt like it was crumbling into dust, the wall she took down in attempting to let him in coming up strong and fortified. There were tears forming in her eyes, she could see the pools forming, but she couldn't move to him. Shinji had always wanted to be loved, to be cared for, but he had to push them away to stop from getting hurt. As Misato had once told her, "The Hedgehog's Dilmma,"

While her guard was coming back up, she also felt a wave of varying emotions flooding her. Couldn't he see that she wanted someone to love her too? To care about her and tell her that?

"Fine then, run away and continue being the coward you've always been! The Invincible Shinji Ikari who always proves to us he'll never become anything more than a spineless coward. I will never understand how you can't fathom a world where Misato, Pen-pen, the Stooges, everyone would want you to stay,"

"I almost killed Touji, almost got Misato killed and have been nothing but a burden to her as her ward. You almost died multiple times Asuka. No one loves me, no one really gives me affection, and if they have it's only because I pilot EVA and they have to make me feel wanted. Even Kaworu…"

"You know what, spare me the whiny act Shinji. I can't convince you that you're worth more to everyone than you think you are. You're an idiot that's too blinded by his own assumptions of how others see him. Like I said, go Shinji, just go and don't look back," Asuka's tone was firm with resolve, her eyes unwavering as Shinji flinched from the tonal shift. She was trying to hold back the pangs she was feeling, but she could tell there were cracks in the bottle holding them in.

"I'm sorry Asuka, but you're wrong. Everyone acts like they don't blame me for any of this…but I can see their judgment, especially yours," she felt her body sink as if heavy weights were placed on her shoulder. Shinji saw the sting in her eyes from his words, and before she could continue or retort back he turned around and picked up his walking pace.

Asuka fell to her knees, a couple tears streaming from her eyes as she watched him go. Her world had collapsed, and she was convinced she lost him for good. Nothing had been the same since.

-Present

"Hate to say it, but life around here changed without you," thought Asuka, taking a deep breath before heading back home. Upon opening the door, she found herself being greeted by Pen-pen looking up at her. From the background a pack of decorations came flying at her, causing Asuka to flinch while catching it.

"Asuka, where the hell have you been? I told you I needed your help setting up for the party!" Misato was leaning around a wall and giving her an angry look, "We've still got a lot more ground to cover and I need all hands on deck. Pen-pen come back here and help me with this!"

Pen-pen took a couple more steps towards Asuka, who bent down to pet his head, before he waddled back to Misato. Asuka said, opening up the package of decorations to find banners saying "Happy Birthday!". She sighed and took the banner out of the package while making sure none of it was tangled together.

"Isn't the rule that the birthday person shouldn't have to help with setting things up?" Asuka said while looking for a stepladder to pin it on the doorway leading from the kitchen to the living room.

"Oh c'mon, have fun with it! This is what I had to do when I was just a little kid. My dad's rule had always been – you live here, you get to help! And besides, this way you can determine how you want things to look! It's your special day and I want this evening to make you feel special."

"Misato, I really don't want to celebrate my birthday. I told you that yesterday," Asuka had found the stepladder and began to hang the banner, "I feel like I'm getting too old to be doing this?"

"There's never such a thing as being too old, Asuka," Misato came out to look at the banner, "Also, why not celebrate you! It's a big milestone! This is supposed to be a special age, where you go from being a teenager to becoming an adult."

"As if I actually feel like an adult," Asuka said half-muttering under her breath, Misato walking to the fridge and taking out a can of beer.

"I said supposed to be, but to be honest you kids were forced to grow up and be adults long before you should've been," Misato said, taking a swig of beer before letting out a sigh of happiness, "But Asuka, no matter how hard today can be, you've got to learn to celebrate and enjoy moments like this! Enjoy the time with friends because it's time you're never going to get back. Believe me, you can't wish the time back no matter how hard you try."

"Yeah, sure," Asuka deflected, finishing up hanging the banner and stepping down from the stepladder. Misato looked at Asuka, a brief wave of sadness enveloping her. She couldn't fault Asuka for how she felt, especially given she too had to take some time to process Shinji's leaving. She couldn't count the nights she'd talk to Kaji about this, blaming herself for him leaving. She felt responsible in many ways; for helping Gendo and SEELE unknowingly, for putting him in dangerous spots, for pushing him in times he wasn't ready. She felt like she didn't show him the love he needed. Kaji always tried reminding her that she did the best she could and that it wasn't her fault he made the choice to leave.

Misato also tried using her connections to find him, not to persuade him to come back, but to at least check in and see where he was and how he was doing. Shinji had seemed to disappear off the face of the map for some time. Her contacts had told her though that they were close though, there was a trail of breadcrumbs that they were following. She gave them a message to pass onto him in hopes that maybe he might return of his own volition.

Since then, she's tried doing the best she could to ease her guilt about Shinji and make up for it with Asuka. Tried being there for her as her guardian, to spend time with her on vacations, everything you could imagine as if making up for lost time. While it had looked like Asuka wasn't exactly happy or enjoying these moments with her, Misato would catch the occasional faint smile or sense of peace. Those little moments felt like they were enough. As for Asuka, she had appreciated Misato letting her stay even after Third Impact and Shinji leaving. Though she likely could've afforded living on her own, having Misato around felt nice and comforting. The oven dinged, causing Misato to jolt while looking over.

"Oh, I'll check that!" Misato said happily while walking towards the oven.

Asuka shuddered in fear and anticipation of how the food would turn out. Ever since Shinji had left, the cooking had gone downhill. Both her and Misato were not good at cooking, and most often the meals ended up a catastrophe. While Asuka forced herself to learn how to cook, it could never reach the levels of his cooking. They were able to get everything else up to par – laundry, cleaning, etc – cooking was the one thing that eluded them.

Surprisingly enough, the food in the oven had a wonderful smell and she felt her body relax. She could smell the onions and pickles within the meat. Misato looked very happy.

"Is that Rouladen? I haven't had that in ages!" Asuka said excited, Misato smiling confidently.

"I've also got potato dumplings, and picked red cabbage, and the red wine gravy for it." Misato cheerily said, "I'm going to let it rest inside the oven to keep it warm. For now, finish up the decorations!"

Asuka worked quickly, her reluctance turning into having fun crafting the apartment to fit how she would want her birthday celebrated. There was a sense of pride for both of them as they looked everything coming together.

"Ok Misato, I think I can work with this," Asuka said playfully, her smile bright. It had been a while since she felt this lightness within herself, legitimately beaming with happiness. For now, the space felt perfect, and the anticipation for tonight felt good, "I forgot to ask, who all is coming?"

"The usual suspects," Misato said still peering over the area, "Touji, Kensuke, Hikari, and Rei."

"I guess the stooges can join in the celebration," Asuka responded playfully.

"Well, they should be coming over soon, but I want you to have enough time to get ready! I got you a new sundress I think you might like for tonight."

"Thanks Misato. I don't say this a lot, but I do appreciate the effort and trying to life my spirits up," Asuka said hugging Misato, "Also don't get used to this either."

"I won't, now go and get ready. I'll be getting ready after you," Misato said, her phone vibrating on the dinner table. Asuka had walked off to the restroom to get ready. Misato opened up her phone, and saw a message she wasn't anticipating to see.

"There's no way," Misato said, taking the last swig of the beer that was next to the phone, "Well, hopefully Asuka likes this surprise."

Penpen at some point during decorating waddled back to his little house and hadn't left it since. She felt for him, feeling her body release an empty sigh. Without Asuka in the space, the space had felt empty like her life had begun to. Penpen no longer came out unless he needed to eat, drink, or use the restroom, and it had been that way since Shinji left. Kaji died a year and a half after the failed Third Impact, NERV no longer existed, and Ritsuko had been dead since the Third Impact. Though this was the "primetime" for her to settle down as she imagined people would tell her, she felt like she couldn't. No one came close to what Kaji made her feel.

"Shinji, I hope you've been okay. I've wondered how you've been," thought Misato, until an idea came to mind. The idea continued to grow more and more in her mind, and before she could lose it, she got up and started to put it into action.

Shower

For a brief moment, the hot water from the shower splashing down on her, Asuka thought about soaking in a hot bath too. Misato had forgotten to tell her the time the party was meant to start, and to some degree she felt she could get away with it since it was her birthday. Yet, she ultimately decided against it, not wanting to sit in the silence and solitude that would await her if she chose to.

Hikari had recommended using this time to meditate and reflect, for gratitude and reflection on the good in life, but really what good had life been since post Third Impact? Since then Shinji, Rei, and herself were divisive heroes – ones people blamed for the appearance of the Angels, for being part of what created the conditions for the Third Impact attempt, for being part of the company.

"We were just kids you friggin' idiots, what did you expect of us? All we wanted was to prove our worth and be accepted!" No matter how much she would say that, their detractors could never accept that argument. They were told they were still complicit – that they had to know to some degree about the inner workings and motivations behind NERV's goals.

Others hailed them as heroes for keeping the Angels at bay, for keeping humanity from being wiped away. People who accepted that they didn't know about this, and instead offered sympathies for the trauma they experienced in their lifetime. Telling them that they didn't have a normal childhood, that they were pushed to be adults before they even knew what it meant. That they had lost so much of what made childhood a unique journey of growth. There were even some who asked her and Shinji to tell her story, to help bring the detractors to their side. They both declined, Shinji because he was afraid of causing more people to reject him, and her because she didn't see the point. Hadn't they already made up their mind?

Aside from the brief intensive outburst of public spotlight on Shinji, Rei, and herself, it died down over time as the public eye was focused more on policies and procedures. People were shifting their focus on pushing the Diet to come up with laws and policies to ensure no company had such power or ability like NERV did. That there would be better practices in place to ensure that nothing happened behind the scenes to allow shadow organizations like SEELE to hold power. In the years, it felt like the Diet had responded in kind, but people were beginning to feel like they saw the cracks behind the new laws and regulations that would create loopholes. There was concern, but there was hope.

From then on, Asuka's life was…well, normal. Aside from Shinji leaving she was going to school, participating in club activities (Hikari pushing her to join Volleyball), and coming home to do homework or prepare for exams. All of it felt so…plain, boring, uninspiring. She was able to pilot one of the most comprehensively complex machines in humankind, and she had been relegated to a normal high school student. She still kept her interface headset pieces in her hair as a reminder of who she once was and to keep moving forward. Asuka didn't want herself to be like Shinji.

Yet, here he was still inhabiting her head, still hurting her no matter how many years ago he'd left.

"Stupid water, can't even make me feel like I've got a clean slate can you?" Asuka muttered under her breath, the joy of putting everything together being overridden by the "snap back to reality". The intrusive thoughts and questions began to come back to her, causing her to hold her hands across her chest as she tried deflecting them.

"Please tell me I didn't push him away, I didn't make him leave," she said, before she felt anger well up, "Why didn't you speak up you idiot! You could've just told me, you didn't have to run away." She felt herself tremble a little but, trying to collect herself for the party, "I thought you were okay Shinji, I really thought you were different this time. Just…why did you leave me here? Alone?"

She turned off the shower while taking a deep breath in silence, "How could I fall in love with a spineless wimp like you? I wish you would've held me, kissed me, made some sort of move to show me you were more than what you thought you were. That you were what I hoped you'd be. I didn't want you to be like me – yet I have to accept that you were right?"

In a moment, she found herself feeling sorry for herself and pathetic. Today was her birthday, and this wasn't going to override her time with her friends. She wrapped her red towel around her and got ready, calling out to Misato to let her know it was her turn.

"Misato, there should still be some hot water for you! Better get in there now before it's too late!" yelled Asuka from the bathroom, catching Misato busy working on something. Misato tensed up, closing her phone immediately while chuckling nervously.

"You better have saved some hot water. I'll be there in a second," Misato sounded nervous as she walked passed Asuka to her room to grab some clothes to change into after her shower. Asuka had her suspicions that she was up to something, but disregarded it when going back to her room to change, "Damn it, I don't have much time to shower! I should've told everyone to come by later!" Asuka heard Misato yelling as she ran to the bathroom for her shower.

Misato had barely made it out in time dressed and ready to go when the doorbell rang. Penpen came out of his little house and waddled up to the door with Asuka, only to be greeted by Hikari and Touji. They presented her with flowers while coming in. Touji knelt down to give Penpen a small fish, who took it and brought it back to his home.

"Hikari, Stooge Number 1, you both are seriously unseparable aren't you?" Asuka jokingly chided, Hikari and Touji blushing a little when looking at each other. A year and a half ago, Asuka had finally pushed Hikari into giving Touji a love confession. Touji had taken the letter, and true to his character, was shocked at the letter. He had been oblivious to everything but accepted it and requested a date from her. They had learned how they both liked each other, but Touji had never felt like he could make a move because he felt like her scolding him or chiding him in class meant she wasn't into him. Since then, they'd been inseparable, and when it was "officially announced" they had been greeted with a cavalcade of "It's about time" or "Touji, how did you not know?"

Asuka loved seeing how much happier they were, but she also felt pangs of envy and jealousy. It was hard to see everyone finding someone as the years went on, only because she felt stuck and rooted in her past. Hikari had told her she had to move on, but how could she move on from the one person who showed her kindness even in her ugliest moments? Who understood what she'd been through because he too had been through it?

"Happy birthday, Asuka. We're glad you're choosing to celebrate it this year," Touji said as he was taking off his shoes, "We were wondering if you would since this is one of the monumental ones!"

"How are you doing though, Asuka? I know your birthday hasn't been easy for you the last few years." Hikari asked with concern, hugging Asuka.

"What are you two worrying on about? I'm the invincible Asuka Langley Soryu, I'm not going to let anything take away from a good time with friends," she said with her patented fake smile and cheery voice, "But really, I'm glad you're here. Thank you." This response was genuine. Hikari had been her closest friend and advisor, often being the one to console her when Shinji first left.

"Man how long has it been since we'd been here?" another familiar voice said jokingly, Hikaru and Touji coming up to Misato to say hello and talk with her.

"Well, if it isn't the second stooge making his interest," Asuka had put a little sass in her voice, "I'm surprised you decided to leave your camera at home."

"I have more interests than recording stuff, Asuka," he said chuckling, "Besides, it's your birthday! I get the feeling you don't want anyone to see it outside of those who were invited. We're here to celebrate the Red-Headed De—oww" Kensuke was rubbing his arm while chuckling.

"You're still sticking with calling me that, huh Kensuke?"

"Old habit. Man you're still packing a heck of a punch," Kensuke said with a sigh, Asuka sighed and chuckled a little her self.

In the last couple years, Kensuke and Asuka had gotten close as friends. After a long while, Kensuke had finally been "mature" enough (Asuka's words, not anyone else's) to be someone she could feel comfortable to be around. He gave her some sense of stability, some sense of comfort and warmth, and was her go to from time to time to talk whenever Hikari and Touji were out on a date.

Many mistaken them for being a couple – something both of them found puzzling and weird. They were just good friends, and their friendship had grown due to his proximity to Touji and the way he filled certain emotional gaps that she needed from a friend. He was a comfortable friendship, someone who felt familiar, and honestly someone who taught her how to be a good friend aside from Hikari. She never felt that romantic spark for Kensuke, but he had grown to hold a big space in her heart.

"I'm glad to see you here Kensuke, thank you," Asuka said while giving him a hug, Kensuke looking at the decorations and smiling.

"Of course," he said, "Oh! I almost forgot here," Kensuke handed her a doll that was oddly reminiscent of the one she used to have when she was younger, "It took some finding, but I figured you might want something like this again." Asuka took some time to examine it and found herself in awe of the kindness, "I have another gift, but I felt like that was a bit more personal and didn't need to be the main one. Where do I put it?" Asuka pointed at the table, looking at the doll and smiling before walking it back to her room. She placed it on her window hutch, smiling, before coming back out to the birthday party.

Everyone sat at the table and the party had begun. They had reminisced about the time having been gone, about how different life had felt lately and how yet new chapters awaited. Misato watched and smiled, the conversation a reminder of how fleeting these moments were.

"So what college are you two going to? Going to the same one?"

"Yeah, going to the local one here. We've both got family to care for, and we prefer to be closer to home. What about you Kensuke?"

"Ah, man, there are so many choices for a major, I don't even know where to start!"

"Kensuke, don't be an idiot, we all know film or cinematography is you.

"Sure, but how do I know?"

"Asuka, what about you?"

"Hmm? I don't know yet. I applied to several schools but I really don't know which one I want to go to."

"Hopefully you hear back from your schools and it helps you make a choice! I'd love it if you went with us to the college here! Besides, I'm sure Misato wouldn't mind having you around right?"

"Pfft, what? I'd be able to enjoy the single life again and not have to worry about her hearing all my escapades. That would be nice." Misato said while taking a swing from her Yebisu beer, everyone chuckling while Asuka rolled her eyes, "I'm kidding, Asuka. My house will always be your house if you wanted. Plus Penpen would want you here."

"Don't lie Misato, we all know you'd like the liberty of being able to walk around the house naked if you had the chance."

"Your damn right I do!" Misato retorted chuckling, "but I also love how full this place feels with you in it."

"Alright, now who's up for some cake!" Misato said while checking her watch, going to grab the cake to set it on the table. It was almost time for the final surprise.

RING! Went the doorbell, and for a moment Misato let a smile slip. Right on time as she had hoped. Everyone looked at Asuka in confusion, and then at the door. Asuka turned around slowly, confused. Was someone else supposed to be coming? She tried racking her brain while walking up to the door.

"I'll get it Misato," Asuka said, walking up to the door hesitantly. She opened the door.

"I'm sorry I'm late. May I come in?"