A/N: Just thought I would throw this out here fyi...according to a youtube vid I watched of MTV Cribs showing Roddy's home, Roddy does for real say that he's afraid of horses. His wife has them, and he says that he'll pet and brush the horses but won't ever get on one. So, yeah. That inspired this one. :-)

A Flair For Rowdiness: Horsing Around

Hey come here, you want to hear this story about Roddy and the horse? Yeah, it's me Ric. Roddy refused to tell this story and he doesn't want me too either. He tried to scare me with threats of coconuts, but hell I don't care. Roddy's nuts don't scare me.

So now you might be wondering to yourself what the big deal is about this 'horse story' and why my Hot Scot would be so growly and grumpy about its telling. Well, you might not believe me here, but the Rowdy One is afraid of horses. That's right, Rod's afraid of them. Hold on, let me stop laughing for a minute it's just that it's so damn fucking hilarious. Don't tell Roddy I said so.

Now, me and Roddy always got bored easily so we were always running around trying to find something to occupy our misspent time. Some of the stuff we found to do was within reason, most if it wasn't. Some of it was within the law, some of it…well you get the idea. There was this one time we tried to get Ricky, you know Steamboat, we tried to get him stoned. Hey, come on, the guy needed to loosen up a little. Sweet little Ricky was always so straight laced. We caused a lot of those silver hairs to take over his do, most likely, with our insanity.

But the horse thing, that was one that I've never let old Roderick live down. He has a few that he won't let me live down either, so I'd say we're pretty even. I bet he's told you all of mine anyway so I'm only being fair.

Roddy and I were tooling around in one of my Caddys, and damn it was gorgeous. I remember exactly which one and every curve of her hot little body. That was before I forsook my beloved Caddy for that Linc Roddy helped pick. But anyhow, you don't care much about my Caddy fascination.

We were so bored, and that was a bad place for two trouble makers like us to be in. We had beer, as if that was out of the ordinary, and that was our breakfast, and lunch. By afternoon we were out of our minds drunk and I bet I was weaving that damn car all over the road, but that time the Caddy made it out alive. We were laughing and being loud mouths, and Roddy was singing 'Do Wah Diddy Diddy' complete with his attempt at a falsetto—whoa, I told him to never do that again. Roddy can do a lot of things, but sing like he's got a tree shoved up his ass isn't one of them.

I made him fucking stop that singing. Told him I was going to go deaf and blind all at the same time, and when that didn't work I just shoved my hand over his mouth and the Caddy wove even worse. He pulled my hand off of his mouth and acted like he was mad at me, but hell I knew he wasn't. It's easy to tell real mad Roddy from fake mad Roddy. The real one—you don't want to fuck with.

"Ooh, hey looky over there Ri-hic!" Roddy hiccupped, and pointed out the window.

The way he said it had me giggling, he sounded like an awed little kid seeing something extraordinarily wonderful. All I saw him pointing to was a pasture full of a bunch of horses. I reached over and patted him on the head.

"Yes Roderick, see the pretty horses?"

"Yeah, but I don't like 'em." He put in, narrowing his eyes at the animals as we passed.

I think I was driving maybe ten miles per hour by then or something. We were just creeping along because I was pretty sure if I didn't stop soon I was going to land us both into a ditch. Although, that wouldn't have been the first time we ended up nose first into a ditch, but that was Roddy's fault. If I would have been driving I would have been more careful but Roddy drives like he's blind, even when he's sober. I never tested it out but who knows, he might drive real well when he's wasted.

"You don't like horses? Shit Roddy, what kind of idiot doesn't like horses?"

"Me!" Roddy shouted defensively, jabbing his finger into his chest.

"What's wrong with horses, ya monkey." I pulled the car over to the side of the road, and swatted at him. We started up some stupid little smack fight.

"They're just…I-I don't know man, lemme alone!" Roddy fiddled around with the handle on the door, and finally managed to open it. Then, he just kinda fell out.

So I had to go get him, I mean I wasn't going to leave my best friend and my man just laying there like that. He's such an idiot sometimes I'm telling you. But he's my idiot.

"Rod, you better get up. The evil horses are gonna get you." I said, leaning over him and laughing again so hard that I started to cry.

"Where!" Roddy yelped, and was up like a flash and hiding behind me.

Roddy Piper, ladies and gentlemen: hiding from horses. I just about pissed myself! I had on this really good suit though, and I didn't want to ruin it so I managed to hold on. I'm not really sure why I was wearing a suit just to go out drinking and driving but…I was. I told you we got drunk early. Hell, we might have even been fucked up the night before and just decided not to stop, I don't really remember.

"Damn Pipes, get a hold of yourself! They're gentle animals, they're not gonna hurt you."

I turned around and took his wrist, and tried to guide him over to the fence where one of the brown horses had come up. She was watching us both, and poking her nose up over the fence.

"No, I don't wanna. Naitch, let go of me before I beat the dog outta ya!"

Roddy twisted his wrist free, and took off running. Where the hell was he running to? Fuck if I know, crazy bat. Sometimes I wonder if he's playing with a full deck of cards, but then again he's asked me the same thing a time or two. I guess if you put us together you'll get all your aces and kings and shit alright.

"Rod, what the? Where the fuck are you going?"

I trudged along after him, wading through the tall grass. Damn it all, I was getting my good shoes—well not that I have any bad ones but you know what I mean--all mucked up with mud. Why the hell did I wear those to go out trouble-making anyway? I never could get them all cleaned up again, and I made sure to mope real good and long over that.

"Roddy!"

I called after him, and then shook my head as I saw him flop down into the tall grass way down the road and just sit there. I took my time getting to him and once I was there I just quirked an eyebrow at him. He tilted his head up at me.

"What, Ric?"

"You know, you're gonna get ticks up your ass." I said, reaching to the inside pocket of my coat to look for a handkerchief to wipe my forehead with. I found a half-drained bottle of Crown Royal instead and gulped some of it.

"You can pick 'em out with your big teeth then." Roddy grumbled.

"Ha, I don't think so Pipes. You can pick 'em out with your own teeth if you can bend that way."

"Do I look like a cartoonist to you?"

"A…what?"

He meant contortionist, but there was too much alcohol for it to come out right. We both just looked at each other, drunk as hell, and then lost it laughing. I plopped down on my knees next to Roddy and handed him the bottle of Crown, as if he needed anymore.

Cartoonist, ha. That kind of became a joke with us that no one else ever got. I remember once when Ricky was bitching us out about something and he said to us 'I bend over backwards for you dumb asses!' and I was standing there trying not to laugh, and then Roddy had to say 'Oh Steamy, I didn't know you were a cartoonist!' and we both just fell over each other snorting and braying. Ricky just shook his head, as usual. If Ricky was there the day of the horse thing, he would have led us both back to the car and made us behave like good little boys while he drove us back to the hotel, just so we could sit and look boredly at the four walls, and find new ways to drive the poor kid insane. But, Steamy wasn't there.

"Listen Roddy," I finally managed, after my giggles had dried up some. "I'm sorry about the horse thing but…you really should try to conquer your fears, right?"

Roddy didn't say much, just plucked out a long strand of grass and went to tying it in knots. I picked one of the wild flowers that was growing there, and hung the stem behind Roddy's ear. He looked like a hippie, but I don't think he even noticed I put it there.

"I don't like it when you're right." He sighed.

I smirked over at him smugly.

"But Pipes, I'm always right. Woooo!"

Roddy sighed, and got up. He wobbled around a little, then offered his hand to help me up.

"So, if I go touch the horse, then we can leave and get more Crown?" He asked, eying me skeptically.

"Oh no Roddy, I'm not talking about touching the horse. When I was chasing after you, I saw that sign over there. See the entrance?" I pointed towards a sign we had passed and obviously missed while goofing in the car. "That's a park over there, and those horses are for the trails."

Roddy scratched at his ear and messed with his hair the way he always does. He screwed it all up and I reached over and smoothed it out for him. Somehow that flower managed to hold on, and I still don't think he knew it was there.

"Horses…for the park…you mean like, to ride 'em?" He finally asked, putting two and two together after some thought.

"Yeah."

"No."

I rolled my eyes.

"Rod, come on! You don't have to ride one by yourself, I'll be right next to you on my horse."

"No!" Roddy started to head back for the car, and I jogged to catch up to him. I offered him the last of the Crown.

"Fine, you can ride one with me. I'll handle the reigns and everything and you can just sit pretty behind me with your arms wrapped around my waist."

"No, I ain't sitting on you with a horse. I mean…you know what I mean. Fuck. Besides, we're drunk out of our ever lovin' minds they're not gonna let us ride their horses like we are." He shoved the empty bottle of Crown into my hand.

"I have a solution." I tossed the emptied Crown bottle behind me and heard it shatter onto the road. I delved back into my pocket and brought out a packet of gum and a small bottle of cologne. "See, now we just use these, and pretend to be sober, and they won't suspect a thing."

I sprayed the cologne at Roddy and he made a big fucking deal over it, of course.

"Oh Ric, that stuff smells like shit!" He coughed, fanning his hand in front of his nose.

"Wow, thanks. So I smell like shit do I?"

"No, I mean not you…that toilet water!"

"Do you even know how much this tiny bottle of 'toilet water' costs?" I scowled at him, and handed him a piece of gum. "I'm stylin' and profilin'."

"This isn't gonna work, we're still gonna be drunk. We're just gonna be drunk and smelly."

"It will too work, now shut up and come on. You're riding a horse with me."

I dragged Roddy into the park and we found the stables. I paid the woman for our rides, and she brought out two gorgeous young horses. One was white with gray speckles, the other a dark chocolate brown with the prettiest honey-colored eyes, and long golden lashes. Roddy looked nervous, and took a couple steps back when the woman moved one of them towards him. The horse snuffled. Roddy cut his eyes to me and I couldn't help but laugh. He started to scowl.

"Just pet her nose, she's really sweet." The woman offered, patting the horses nose as an example.

"Jeepers ma'am, I don't know."

Jeepers, Roddy always killed me with that.

He reached his hand out hesitantly, and gave me a nasty look that told me without words to shut the fuck up. He quickly snatched his hand back with a little yelp when the horse snorted, and thought I was going to fall over on the ground laughing.

"You, shut up!" He grabbed a little rock and threw it at me, and it hit my horse instead. "Ah, shit."

"You angered it Roddy, you have incited the wrath of the fucking horse!"

I was laughing so hard and so much that it hurt. That poor woman was looking back and forth at us.

"Excuse me, are you two okay?" She asked, then turned to Rod and chastised him for hitting the horse. He stood there looking like a sorry little boy with his head bowed as his toe scuffling at the dirt.

"Ma'am I'm real sorry it's just see, my friend here is a jackass." Rod jerked his thumb towards me.

"Maybe you two ought to come back some other time to ride our horses." She took the reign of Rod's horse and started to lead it away.

"Oh wait, c'mon miss! We're okay, really we are!" I moved over to her and stroked the shoulder of the brown horse. "We already paid anyway, damn it we want our rides! It's just my friend here is a pussy."

The lady huffed at the use of that word, it probably wasn't my best choice.

"Ric, such language in front of a lady." Roddy shook his head in disapproval.

"Well if you weren't one, then I wouldn't have had to say it. Who ever heard of a grown man afraid of a horse?" I went on, and from the look on Rod's face I could tell I was going to get it later, and I don't mean in a good way.

We managed to convince the woman to let us ride. Roddy still refused though, and protested that horses ought to have sidecars like motorcycles. Try being drunk playing sober, and try not to laugh at that mental image!

"Tell me something, Pipes!" I shouted from up atop my horse. I'd managed to get on it without falling off. "You'll ride a motorcycle with me but not a horse? You know how stupid that is?"

"Horses throw people off and I'm not takin' my chances! I'm a wrestler in case you didn't know, and I can't make my livin' if I'm dead from the neck down!" Roddy shouted right back, scratching at his ear again.

We couldn't have done it better if we were in the ring, although he was missing his kilt and I was absent of my robe. I have to admit though, I liked to egg him on. Roddy was hot when he was crazy, and he was crazy when he was hot, if you know what I mean.

I rolled my eyes. As if you couldn't get fucked up on a motorcycle too.

"Come on Pipes, get up here with me." I extended my hand to him and waited.

After a few moments, he took my hand and I helped him get on behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, a little too tightly but I didn't say anything. His chest was pressed into my back and I could feel his heart thundering away. Poor guy, he really was scared. I kind of felt bad for teasing him so much then, but hell, he would have done the same thing to me.

I thought maybe half way through the trail ride, he'd calm down a little, quit breathing hard in my ear, and squishing my guts with his bear-hug vice grip. He never did though, he kept on me like white on rice the whole time even though the horse was just lazily tromping over the worn path. You know, it really was cute. It kind of gets cuter every time I look back on it. I wish I had a picture or something, but I guess in a way I do, it's just up in my head.

After the ride was over, Roddy still insisted he was never getting back on one. I don't think he ever did either, and I don't think it would help even if he was drunk again.

Hey, that doesn't mean we never got to ride together anymore though...cue suggestive wink. But I better be going. Like I said, I wasn't supposed to spill this little jewel. So, do me a favor would you? If you see Roddy, don't say a damn word. You are free to laugh though.

Wooo!