Disclaimer: Not Mine

Author's Notes: Almost there; only one more chapter to go. Thanks to nocturnali and groolover for the beta!

Enjoy, and sorry about the cliffie again.

jamie

xxxx

Every mistake Draco had ever made in his life paraded before his mind's eye. Every one of them, lined up three deep as far back as the eye could see.

'Draco?' Harry asked. Draco blinked and focused back on Harry's face, seeing mild confusion and a hint of worry there. He swallowed, and the crowd of mistakes in his head parted, making way for the biggest, ugliest one of all; the one that was going to hurt more than all the rest put together.

'Come on, Draco, it can't be as bad as all that,' Harry said, clearly trying to smile confidently, but a slip of unease had worked its way into his tone.

Draco's eyes slid to Pansy's in the futile hope that she might take pity on him and do something but the firm line of her mouth dashed any hope.

'I'll leave you boys to it then, and be warned, Draco if you don't tell him, I will.' Pansy glared at Draco, then nodded to Harry before leaving.

Draco was still too numb to move. Or breathe, it seemed, as he gasped when he inhaled. How could Pansy have betrayed him like this? It wasn't as if he could do anything about the spell now; couldn't reverse it or cast a counter spell. Nothing like that. What was done was done and now Pansy expected him to put his whole relationship on the line for something that couldn't ever be fixed.

Harry was going to hate him.

Still, perhaps Draco deserved it. And, as his inner self snorted at that suggestion, he realised that he really had grown up in the last six months if he was even considering the possibility that he'd brought this on himself. Always, there had been someone else to push the blame onto; to make responsible for Draco's failings. Now he accepted that he had no one to blame but himself. He'd orchestrated himself into this position and now he had to try and find a way out.

For surely there must be a way out? A way to salvage something of their relationship? Now that he'd found Harry, he didn't want to let him go. Not ever. For that one reason alone he could not regret what he'd done. That spell had brought him Harry and taught him many hard lessons about himself and about love. Oh, Merlin…how was he to do without him now?

Harry was getting more concerned; Draco could see the frown lines settling into his forehead. He had to say something. But what?

And for fuck's sake, why was he acting like a whipped puppy already? The way he was angsting all over the place, anyone would think that a rogue Hufflebunny gene had struck him.

Pansy was right in one way – if Harry really loved him, he'd understand. When they'd talked, hadn't Draco said he wanted someone who wouldn't up and leave him if he did something wrong? And hadn't Harry said Draco could trust him?

Draco just hoped that this wasn't one of those deal breaker things that you didn't know how you'd feel about until it happened.

'Draco, you're beginning to worry me,' Harry said, crouching in front of him and taking Draco's hand in his. Draco watched Harry's thumb rub his knuckle, still detached and knowing he needed to start the conversation somehow, but unable and unwilling to start. He was procrastinating and he knew it.

Draco forced his eyes back up to meet Harry's. 'I'm sorry,' he blurted, before he could stop himself.

'What's going on?' Harry frowned.

Taking a deep breath, Draco patted Harry's hand. 'You'd better be sitting down for this,' he said and was surprised that his voice remained fairly stable.

'This is not one of those things where you confess to having led me on the whole time while planning to marry Pansy the minute she is free from her husband, is it?' Harry's attempt at a joke made Draco wince.

'Nothing quite so simple, I'm afraid,' Draco replied. He tried to convince himself that Harry would understand; he'd be upset and angry but eventually he'd understand because the only person that had been hurt through all this was himself. Draco had been the one to end up in front of a curse and Draco had been the one that Nott tried to poison and then tied to a chair and tried to do depraved things to. And everyone else had benefitted. Everyone. From his friends, to his mother, to the orphanage, to …everyone. Except maybe ginger bits. Draco scowled; she wasn't worth Harry anyway.

But Draco knew better; using Dark magic for selfish reasons was something that Harry was just not going to understand, nor condone, no matter what the circumstances were.

'Do you remember what it was like for me after the war?' Draco asked quietly, resigned to explaining the whole thing.

'Only from what you've told me. I rarely saw you until you jumped in front of the spell for me. I do remember that day at Madam Malkin's though.' Harry reached for Draco's hand. 'Was it always like that?'

Draco gave a rueful smile. 'That was tame compared to some of the things that happened. At least she would have served me. Many times the shopkeeper would pointedly ignore me until I got tired of waiting and left. Or else they'd physically remove me from their shop. People would spit at me in the streets or cross the road to avoid walking the same path as I was on.' Draco's eyes hardened in memory.

'I'm sorry, Draco, I never knew it was like that.' Harry's hand squeezed Draco's.

'Why would you have? You were the Golden Boy and every time you stepped outside the door, the sun shone and the birds tweeted and everything was right with the world. Anything and everything was laid on for your benefit.' Draco hated the bitter tone that had crept into his voice.

'It wasn't as bad as that,' Harry argued. 'Besides, I hated all that stuff and wished that I could just walk the streets like a normal person and be ignored.'

'Right. But you're not a normal person, Harry Potter. Took me a long time to discover what sort of person you really are, but you're anything but normal.'

Harry gave him an encouraging squeeze. 'Get on with what you were saying.'

Sighing, Draco continued. 'I could have ended up in Azkaban so many times…When they'd spit at my mother, I'd… Merlin, Harry, my mother! I wanted to hex them so badly… but even a mild one would have landed me in Azkaban and then who would have taken care of her? Pansy made a comment once about you and was set on by at least a dozen thugs who hexed her half to death. It was only that I arrived and managed to get both her and myself behind a shield and Apparated us both to St. Mungo's that she survived.'

'I never knew that,' Harry said quietly. 'She never said anything.'

'She wouldn't. Besides, it wasn't your fault, though I think we both hated you a bit more after that. Unjustly, perhaps, but true nonetheless.'

Harry looked thoughtful. 'Where is this all leading?'

'I think I'm just trying to explain what things were like as a reason for what I did. I think… I don't expect it will make much difference but you should know what I was thinking and feeling and maybe then you won't hate me so much.'

'You think I'll hate you? After all we've been through to get here you think I'll just pretend it never happened?'

'I'm hoping you don't. I'm hoping that I can trust you. You told me I could when I said I wanted someone that wasn't going to leave me when I did something wrong.'

'You can trust me.'

Draco nodded. 'But there's a bigger part of me that expects you to walk out the door.'

'Bloody hell, Draco, what is it that you've done?'

Draco pursed his lips at the exasperated tone in Harry's voice. Then he pressed on. 'I saw you all over the place, in the newspapers and magazines, always surrounded by people who loved you, would do anything for you, treated you like royalty, and I wanted that. I was so tired of being hated and vilified and ignored, I wanted what you had. I wanted people to love me.' Draco was upset by the time he was finished. 'We tried to do the right thing – give money to charities, sponsor rebuilding or new projects – but no one would take our money. We tried to rejoin society and pay our dues but no one would listen, no one paid attention, no one cared.'

There was concern in Harry's expression now, but Draco ignored it and continued.

'I didn't want to be hated any more. I searched through my father's library and found a spell. A Dark spell. I wanted what you had, and the spell would transfer the public's attention from you to me. All the love that was showered on you was to come to me.'

Silence screamed around the room. Draco barely breathed in his anxiety and he kept his eyes diverted to the floor, not able to bear seeing Harry's expression turn to hatred and disgust.

After what seemed like an eternity, Harry spoke. 'You used Dark magic because you wanted to have what I had?' he asked softly. The tone in his voice made Draco shiver and look at him, only to see that the tone belied the expression. Harry was furious.

'Yes,' Draco replied.

'You manipulated the emotions and thoughts of the whole wizarding world because you wanted to be loved?'

'Yes,' Draco said. 'But no one was hurt and–'

'Of course people were hurt! You altered people's feelings without their permission and against their will. How is that not hurting people?'

'There was no other way! I couldn't stand to live like that one moment longer.' Draco was getting angry now. 'I was being victimised every day of my life. I was helpless and could do nothing to protect myself or my mother, or even my friends. I wasn't going to continue living like that!'

'You could have come to me!'

'What?' Draco laughed. 'How could I have done that? Why would I have done that?'

'I told you that day at Madam Malkin's that we should try and move past all that. Why didn't you take me up on it?'

'And what reason did I have to think that you'd even listen to me? Why would I think that you'd even believe me? Last I heard we hated each other. For all I knew you'd laugh at me and tell me I deserved it.'

'I wouldn't have done that! I told you, you knew nothing about me.'

'Exactly! I agree, I didn't know anything about you. What I did know, I didn't like. There was no reason in the world to trust you with how life was going for me. None. I had no other choice.'

'There's always a choice, Draco.'

'Oh, spare me. My choice was doing nothing and doing something. I chose to do something.' Draco sneered, internally concerned with how easy it was to fall back into old habits.

'You're still defending what you did?' Harry was incredulous. 'You were anxious about me hating you a minute ago, so I know you do have a conscience.'

'Yes, well I have to defend my actions because they brought me to you. And that's not something I will regret, ever.'

'You've hurt so many people, Draco, how can you not regret that?'

'Because I don't care about them! They judged me and hated me without my permission, ostracised me from my own society against my will. They deserve what they got. Besides, they're happy. The world didn't fall apart, a new Dark Lord wasn't born. People just love me now. That's the only difference.'

'And me? Manipulating my feelings is something you don't regret?'

Draco shook his head. 'You seem to have an inbuilt block against people being able to influence you, you can throw off Imperius and you pushed Voldemort out when he tried to possess you, so I'm told, so you won't have been affected by the spell anyway.'

'How can you be sure?'

'Because not everyone loves me. In case you've forgotten, Nott is trying to kill me.'

'He's obsessed with you.'

'Semantics. He's still trying to kill me. So the spell doesn't work on everyone and everything.'

'I guess we'll never know, will we?' Harry said. 'I'll never know, will I?' His expression had faded from anger to betrayal and hurt. Draco wanted to take every word back; never have told him about the spell, never have broken his heart.

'Where is this spell book?'

'In the library,' Draco said. 'Harry, I know I love you–'

'Pippy!' Harry interrupted and the elf appeared almost immediately. 'Pippy, I need you to get me a spell book from the library. Which one is it, Draco?'

'The blue one on the bottom shelf,' Draco replied, giving in to Harry's curt tone. Pippy looked anxiously between the both of them obviously picking up on the tension in the air. 'It's all right, Pippy, go and get the book,' Draco told him, gently.

When the elf had gone, Draco spoke. 'What are you going to do?'

Harry looked at him, eyes troubled and…sad. 'I have no idea, but I have to get out of here.'

'Harry no, please don't go,' Draco pleaded, heart breaking but knowing he deserved it.

'I can't stay here.'

'You'll be back?'

Pippy arrived back in the room with the book and handed it solemnly to Harry. He thanked Pippy, gave Draco a quick glance that told Draco nothing, and left the room.

Draco wanted to run after Harry and not let him leave, hold him down somewhere until they talked all this out and worked it through and everything was all right again.

But he didn't. Couldn't.

'Master?' Draco had almost forgotten the elf was still there.

'What is it?'

'Master Harry is coming back, yes?'

Draco couldn't answer. He wanted to say yes, Harry was coming back, but he knew it was a lie. Harry wasn't coming back. Not ever.

00000

'Go away, Pansy, I don't want to see you.'

'Don't be an idiot, I'm your best friend.'

'You were until you…' Draco sighed. What difference did it make anyway? Pansy could bloody well move in for all he cared. 'Do what you want,' he said tiredly and returned to staring into the fire. Even though it was too hot for a fire, he'd ordered one lit, letting his mind go blank even as he watched the flames dancing and forming into bright silhouettes that all seemed to look like Harry.

'Don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic, darling?' she asked, dropping onto the couch next to him.

'Hm.' He wasn't paying any attention.

'You're better off without him.'

Draco did hear that and he snarled. 'What would you know of love? You're married to an old goat.'

As soon as he'd said it he regretted it, but he refused to take it back. She'd ruined his life and apparently she didn't care.

She was silent for a moment but Draco could hear the sharp hiss of pain beside him. It did stab at his conscience but...well, too bad.

'I'd say so. You can't have loved him that much if you're willing to let him go without a fight.'

'Leave it. Just go away.'

But the annoying pest wouldn't; she continued. 'I know if it was me, I'd be banging on his door demanding to talk to him, making a spectacle of myself until he gave in.'

'No you wouldn't; you'd knock on his door politely and when he answered it you'd hex his balls off.'

'I would,' she agreed, sighing. 'Draco, you can't give up.'

'You didn't see him, Pansy, you didn't see his face. He was shattered.'

'Doesn't that show how much he felt for you, though? If he hadn't loved you so much, he wouldn't have been so hurt.'

Draco pursed his lips, frowning, and turned to her.' Why did you make me tell him in the first place? Everything would have been all right had you just kept your nose out of my life!'

'Because now when he comes back, you'll be starting with honesty.'

'Don't you get it?' Draco yelled. 'He won't be coming back!'

'Not if you sit here on your arse moping, he won't. You're going to have to go and bring him back!' Pansy yelled, just as loudly.

'He doesn't want to come back.'

'Isn't that proof, then, that the spell didn't affect him?'

'He…what?' Draco caught up with what Pansy had said and blinked.

'I said that if he doesn't want you…'

'I heard what you said. You're right. And when he figures that out he'll be back.' Hope suddenly blossomed in Draco's chest. It was as clear as the nose on his face; when Harry worked it out, he'd be back.

Pansy snorted. 'He's almost as oblivious as you are, darling, you're going to have to go and tell him.'

'I am?'

'You are. Would you like me to come with you?'

'No. I think this is something I need to do myself. You think he'll listen to me?'

'He'd be mad not to. The way you two have been these last weeks made me bloody envious of you myself.'

'You'd better be right, or I really am going to kick you to the kerb. Pippy!' he called.

When the elf appeared, Draco asked him to lay out one of his best suits.

'Master is going to bring Master Harry back?' Pippy asked, hopping from one foot to the other, looking hopeful and agitated at the same time.

'I'm going to try.'

'Good. The house-elfs is getting worried about Master Harry Potter not being here.' The elf visibly relaxed.

Draco frowned. 'Why is it so important that Harry be here?'

'We is not knowing; only that Master Draco is not safe without his Harry Potter to bang into walls with.'

Draco bit his lip to curb the urge to reprimand the elf.

'I'll do my best to bring him back, Pippy. Now, my clothes if you please.'

00000

Ten minutes later, Draco was knocking on the door to Harry's flat. He waited, but could hear nothing from the interior and sighed. Ron had sworn Harry was home; it had taken a bit to get Ron to give him any information. Obviously word of Draco's misdeed had travelled – hopefully not to a place where he'd be arrested and thrown into Azkaban - and he guessed he was not very popular with Harry's friends at the moment. It took Draco reminding Ron that if he felt any bad feelings towards Draco then he wasn't under the influence of the spell, for Ron to come round and admit that Harry should be home.

Draco knocked again, harder this time.

'Hello, Draco,' a voice said from behind him. A voice that raised shivers along Draco's spine. He turned, praying he was wrong, but knowing he wasn't; he'd know that voice anywhere.

'Nott.' Draco put as much sneer into his voice as he could manage. He thought furiously about escape and how he could get word to Harry and the Aurors – and why the Hell wasn't Harry answering his door? 'How did you know I was here?'

'That spell I cast when we were rudely interrupted last time.' There was amusement in Nott's eyes… Nott's mad eyes.

'That was a tracing spell?'

'Pretty smart, I thought. I knew you wouldn't stay holed up in the Manor for too long; you adore your public too much.' Nott sneered as he spoke. 'I merely waited until you left and followed you here. To his place, I assume?'

'Yes, this is Harry's flat. You should leave now before the Aurors turn up here en masse and arrest your sorry arse.'

Nott laughed and Draco noticed that he had his wand out, hanging loosely by his side, tapping his leg rhythmically. At least it wasn't raised at him. Yet.

'What do you see in him?'

Merlin, surely Draco's bracelet would have warned Harry by now something was wrong – but then Harry had probably removed it after he left. Draco kicked his foot back at the door, hearing the thud and hoping that Harry was home. He'd have to keep Nott talking as long as possible and try not to set him off. Draco's heart was thudding loudly in his ears, making his chest hurt.

'He's brave, Theo. He can't help himself.'

Nott frowned. 'I could have been brave for you. I wanted to protect you but you never even noticed I existed.'

'You couldn't have saved me from Voldemort; he was stronger than all of us except Harry.'

'You were always obsessed with him; I never got a look in. There never was a chance for me, was there?'

'I'm sorry, Theo, but no. I'm just learning myself that I only ever had eyes for Harry.'

Nott's eyes narrowed. 'I want you to look at me.'

'I am.' Draco was careful to keep his eyes on Nott.

'I want my face to be the last thing you ever see.'

Draco's heart skipped several beats. 'You're going to kill me?' His voice squeaked in panic but he didn't care.

'Killing you won't serve my purpose any more. I want you to live with my face being the last thing you ever see for the rest of your life.'

Draco scrambled for his wand, because whatever happened next he wasn't going down without a fight. He barely had time to pull it from its holster before he was slammed into the wall by a spell. He slumped to the ground, eyes clenched at the pain radiating through his head from where it smashed into the wall.

Something hard collided with the side of his head and he descended, screaming in pain, into unconsciousness.