A/N: Hello! Yes! We have a new AU. This one touches base on a lot of drama. Atem is going through a very shit time in his life. This MIGHT (dunno yet) get dark in places but I really just want cute boys pining over each other so there's gonna be a lot of romance and self discovery. This is sort of a heal fic, as Atem finds comfort and peace in a time of his life where things are not easy in the slightest. I hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think!
Yugi. The moment I heard your voice my heart thrummed with life. I knew from the moment I met you that there was nothing more beautiful than the dazzle and gleam in your eyes. The smile you wear does things to me that I am still comprehending. You take my breath away with your beauty, your grace, your talent and your kind spirit.
I know nothing about song writing - but this is my love song to you.
My name is Atem Sennen. I am a 32 year old Game developer for Kaiba Corp and currently my life is in shambles. If someone were to meet me, my advice for them would be to run. I'm no good for them and I haven't the time, drive or mental capacity to pretend otherwise.
My girlfriend is leaving me, my boss is breathing down my neck, and my family is one argument shy of disowning me. My landlord is losing his patience, money is scarce and it seems my only ally is my concern of an older brother.
So what do I do, you ask? How am I going to fix things and get my life back on track? I could start by refocusing my priorities. I could try to mend things with my girlfriend and adhere to my family's very reasonable requests. I could take a moment to breathe and collect and tackle my tasks at work in a calm but astute manner. I could start by saving every dollar I have.
Those would all be suggestions I should be following. Instead I'm wasting away in this dingy old bar trying to find solace at the bottom of a bottle wondering what the hell even is my life.
I sigh and hang my head under the weight of the alcohol swimming in my blood, ignoring the voice telling me I should stop. I should go home and sleep, or find a nice alley to crawl in. My eyes are heavy, my skin is hot and though in brief moments of sobriety I can acknowledge I am drunk, I feel worse than ever. I find myself unable to move and dragging myself off this stool is just too much effort.
But I probably should. If I can just let myself fall off this stool then I should find the effort to keep moving.
Lazily I pull out my wallet, dig out my last 10 with a defeated sigh and slap it against the counter, pushing it towards the barkeep who takes it with a knowing grimace and a nod. After that I swig down the rest of my well paid for drink and let gravity pull me off.
But I can only manage a few feet before the universe reaches out its hands to grab me. All my senses freeze so I might hear the keys that call to me. Soft piano keys, notes as gentle as a whisper coercing all to listen.
Curiously I look around and my eyes land upon a man on the small stage sitting at the grand piano I never noticed. I squint through the drunken haze and see he's wearing a light coloured button up rolled to the elbows and casual jeans. Chains hang from his hip and leather cuffs hug his wrists. He is a small man, lithe in frame but no doubt stronger than he looks.
I half want to continue on my way but … I can't seem to look away from him. The notes he plays, the emotion that drips from every key, the masterful way in which his fingers glide and dance upon them - I am simply drawn to watch him. Entranced to remain and listen to the song he plays.
Then he sings and I feel every ounce of alcohol in my blood part like the Nile and my mind becomes clearer. His voice, his words - the spell he casts soothes my core and I find myself literally sighing and slack jawed in awe.
He sings of loss and loneliness, of being left behind and desperate to chase someone's shadow. He sings of adversity and trials he is struggling to climb over and I cannot help but feel so close to him, like he could really relate to everything I am going through. Every single word he chooses is like he's pulling them from my own heart and using them to make such beauty.
I feel … ridiculous but I am actually moved by it. I feel tears beginning to prickle and my nose tingles. Thankfully being in public grants me the strength I need to keep it together and the darkness of the room makes it impossible for anyone to see if they could pull themselves off him.
When his song ends it is only too soon and while the crowds are clapping I find myself unable to. I shake my head, looking around for answers, hoping he might play again but he stands and bows and disappears back stage.
My heart is hammering. It shouldn't be. I need to go home. I have to go shower and sleep … but I can't move.
My body knows what it wants though because before I know it I have rushed to the bar and stolen the keeps attention from another customer.
"Who was that just now? Singing?"
He sighs and glances at the empty stage before turning his hard and unimpressed stare back at me. "That was Mao. He comes by sometimes to play." He says to me with a nonchalant shrug. Mao? Doesn't sound like a name I've ever heard of before.
"When will he play next?"
The keep looks at me rather frustrated and annoyed but I can't care about that. Not right now. He shrugs. "Dunno. He plays once or twice a week? He doesn't have a strict schedule and I'm not in charge of it."
Once or twice a week… I've never seen him here before, maybe he only comes by Thursdays.
"Mao." His name rolls off my lips as I look towards the abandoned stage.
I don't know what I would say to him if I met him. I don't even think he would bother with me. Maybe he shouldn't too. Just because his song spoke to me like nothing I've ever felt before, doesn't mean I can invade his life and make him care.
But maybe I can catch his songs again. Maybe I can listen to him play.
This is what got me through the next several days. I would go to work, I would feed my cat, I would have dinner alone and I would come back to this bar in the hopes of seeing him play.
The first three nights he did not show but the fourth …
I watched him play an acoustic guitar, singing happier songs with rhythm and a beat that encouraged many to get up and dance.
His smile was so infectious and he would single out some until they started dancing too. I sat myself by the bar so naturally I was too far to be chosen, but even if I had I think I would die first. But watching him was the best reward. At the end of his song the crowds were wild and he bowed again and waved… and disappeared.
The next night he showed again, this time he wasn't alone. He was amidst a band, standing to the side with a keyboard. The band played electric instruments and drums and the singer sang loudly. It was my kind of music, I like it, but it wasn't a band I had heard of and my eyes were only on Mao.
He was given solo's and his gentle keystrokes complimented the late 2000's grunge that the band played.
I sat closer this time, at a table with a lemonade vodka. I don't want to be drunk this time, which is a pleasant surprise even for me. I want to listen and take in every note he plays.
Tonight he did not sing, but he remained for three whole songs and the entire time my eyes never left him.
I wondered in stunned amazement at how talented he was. Pianist, guitarist plus he has a voice angels would weep for.
Never in my life have I ever been more moved by music. I'm the kind of person who finds a song they like and listens to that on repeat for weeks, months maybe, before I try the bands other songs in the hopes the rest are as good. I'm not familiar with genre, what years songs come out, what goes into song writing or music playing or how shows like this even work - but there's something about Mao that makes me interested.
A part of me wonders if this is just escapism. There's nothing else in my life that brings a smile to my lips besides my cat. There was, some months ago, before.
But not now. It is too late for that. That ship has sailed and she along with it.
But Mao? Is it wrong for me to find some solace in his music amidst all the chaos in my life? All the pain I have caused, all that I have sacrificed - am I allowed to have this?
When their last song ends and they take a bow, thanking each other for their shared performance, I swirl my drink around languidly. It is almost time for me to go home I suppose but there's no rush. I am not working tomorrow and my kitty has been fed.
Just as I swig the last of my drink down though I notice him. Mao. He hasn't left for the night. Instead he is standing by the bar talking with one of his bandmates.
I could go to him. I could talk to him, introduce myself, tell him how wonderfully talented he is.
But no. That would be weird. I'm a complete stranger. If I were a girl it might be different, I'm sure he gets the numbers of plenty of women. I can't.
But I want to. I should say hi or something lest someone catches me creepily staring at him. I might even hear his voice tonight.
Either way I need to pass him to leave. Lets just… see what happens.
Gods I shouldn't be nervous. I'm never nervous talking to anyone. I duel people on stage!
But I've never complimented someone on their performance before without dueling them first. I've never approached an artist. I've never even dared to compliment another man. This is weird and awkward …
I am frozen behind him, frozen in space as time is slowed around me. I can hear his laughter, his playful jests with his companion and the sound is it's own kind of music. I notice his friend looks over his shoulder at me and in slow motion Mao curiously turns to face me.
I am taller than he by a full head but I have never felt smaller than anyone in my life. My voice is gone, my brain is packing it's things and leaving just like my ex and my blood is quickly turning to ice.
"Hi." He is so friendly, so upbeat and cheerful and all I can manage is a voiceless gasp. "Are you okay?"
I cannot do this.
I snap my mouth shut and practically run. I am the biggest idiot on the planet. Cowardly, foolish buffoon. I can't believe I fucking choked!
I'm never going back. I can't. If he sees me in the crowd staring up at him while he plays… if I ever manage to leave my home again it'll be a fucking miracle.
It has been an entire month since that embarrassing night. I haven't dared to go back. Partially I've been caught up dealing with things, but also the call of the bed has just been too powerful to ignore.
At least I was able to scrape enough to pay my rent this month but it does mean I can barely afford fuck all.
I hang my head with a tired groan, resting my face against my dining table as despair is aggressively pulling me down. I feel like I can't breathe anymore without it costing something. At this rate I'll be thrown out, I'll have to give up Ankha. I can't even ask my parents for help …
My doorbell rings which scares the absolute shit out of me!
Then I hear the voice of my best friend and a moment later he lets himself in. I sigh gently, holding my chest in attempt to calm my panicking heart.
My bestfriend, Mahad, has been the only other rock in my life. He's stood by me since we were children. He's honest, warm and so patient. Honestly without him I'd probably …
"Hey, so you are home." He says kindly. I ignore the sympathetic look he's giving me and lay my head back down upon the stack of angry mail I have.
He pulls up a seat beside me gently. "I tried getting a hold of you."
"Sorry." I mumble tiredly.
"Atem, you've gotta get out of here."
"And go where?" I ask boredly.
"I dunno, come out with me."
"I can't afford anything, Mahad. If I don't figure something out soo-"
"Come on!" He gets up quickly and slides me out from the table. I'd have fallen forward had he not grabbed my scruff and yanked me back.
So now here we are at the bar. The same bar I've been avoiding like the plague. There's less people here than previously, allowing for a quieter atmosphere. Music is gently playing on a speaker and most are enjoying casual drinks with their buddies while other groups are watching sports on the TV. But nothing sounds quite as nice anymore. Not even my usual playlist brings me the same comfort as it normally does.
Mahad returns to my side, sliding a beer infront of me. I quietly thank him and grimly add it to my list of growing debts.
"So. She finished moving her things?"
A groan is my only answer and it's all he needs to confirm that. He sighs heavily and I take to staring at my hands. Hands so incapable of anything anymore.
"I'm sorry."
"No. You don't have to be. She was right to leave me." I say quietly. My heart aches from hearing the words being spoken aloud. It some how feels more real to hear them.
"Atem, it wasn't your fault. You -"
"Were trying to make everyone happy, but I took her for granted and I ignored her needs and feelings. I made my bed Mahad… now I have to sleep in it; while I still have one."
"Landlord still on your back?" He asks me.
"Well I paid him today so hopefully that buys some favour." I sigh.
"You know if you need -"
"I can't ask that of you, my friend." I shut that line of kindness down quickly and savour my first sip. Who knows when I'll be able to afford another myself.
"You can. You're my brother, you can rely -"
"Don't talk to me about brothers and who I can rely on. It's because of him my life is falling to pieces."
It falls silent between us which doesn't come as a surprise. My brother is a quick stopper to any conversation. I love him but fuck if he doesn't make the worst decisions.
I'll pay you back. He says. They won't find out.
Yeah. Right.
"At least you're admitting that now." Mahad grumbles under his breath and with a defeated sigh I turn to him.
"What am I going to do? I can barely afford to pay rent let alone bills and Ankha's medication. Tea won't take her because her mother is allergic to cats and my parents are a hair away from disowning my ass if I don't cut my brother off. And I can't cut my brother off cause I'm the only family he's got now and he's trying so hard to turn his life around."
"Is he?"
"Mahad!"
"Okay, okay, let's think." He grabs his drink and I follow him to a small table we can stand at. It's a little more private here and I don't want to stand but at least we're not in earshot of anyone else.
"Mana and I could take Ankha if you need -"
"But-"
"We can handle her medication, just let us know what she needs. This is in worst case scenario. Actually, worst case scenario we take you too."
"You can't just make that kind of decision without Mana." I say flatly but he waves me off like he's offering me a tenner.
"She loves you, but yes I'd have to speak to her. It's a back up plan. In case we can't figure out something else."
I hang my head and rest it against my glass. "I'm gonna have to pick up a second job."
"Or just ask for a little help at your current one."
"I work for Kaiba Corp. If you can't make it on your own there they have no need for you."
"Okay. If your brother is trying to turn his life around then surely he'd understand that you need to look after yourself first too." He suggests but I just shake my head. It's not that simple.
"No, he'll just believe I'm turning my back on him the way mum and dad have. The way everyone else has. Besides what good will come out of that anyway?"
"Help from your parents." He shrugs and I sigh again.
I wish it were that simple. Even if if I did cut him off it'd take my parents a bit of time before they trusted me again too.
"So what do you need most? What's endangering your…"
His voice continues but it fades to the background as my attention is brought elsewhere. To a laugh I haven't heard in weeks. A laugh I heard only once but it seems to have left its mark somewhere within.
Mao sits a few tables away amidst a small crowd of 3 others. He laughs and drinks with them and talks but he's too far for me to actually hear his voice. I see his guitar behind him, ignored for the moment. He's dressed so handsomely and that smile … my heart is fluttering just looking at it.
I feel horrible though. It has been so long since I last felt anything from looking at anyone. My ex… I love her but … I haven't felt much more than a sentimental connection to her in … too long. Falling out of love with her is something she mentioned, at the time I got defensive but … maybe she's right. If I am in love with her still surely she should make me feel something like how I do when I see him smile.
I'm brought back by Mahad snapping his fingers infront of me and ashamedly I snatch up my drink.
"Were you listening?"
"No, sorry." I quip boredly and a little irritatedly. He doesn't deserve my mood and that just makes me feel worse. I shouldn't be here bringing everything down. I should be at home… existing.
"Come spend the night with us. Manah would love to see you. She's been worried. We can just relax and play games."
It sounds lovely. It truly does. But I honestly just want to be alone right now. Muse over my life and try to untangle the mess that it is. Maybe even sleep until I can distract myself with work tomorrow.
"I'd rather just go sleep if its all the same." I say quietly.
He's disappointed. He doesn't say it, doesn't even really react, but I can feel it. Why wouldn't he be? He wants to help so much and all I'm good at doing is finding problems or making my own.
"If you're sure." He says eventually. "But… you do know you can rely on us, right? Any time, for anything?"
I do know that, but hearing it helps. The kindness he shows me, the support he gives me, is the most anyone or anything is giving me lately. Without him… I just wish I could stop being so selfish so I could repay him and prove how much I appreciate him.
"I do. Thank you. Id like to spend time with you and Manah, I really do, I just think I'm so exhausted at the moment. I don't think I'd be good company. I just want to curl up and pass the time."
He offers a kind smile and pats my shoulder affectionately before bringing his drink over to clink mine. "I get it. I do. How about this Friday then? We won't do anything big. We'll just hang with a few drinks, watch some movie, play some games. Real chill. We can even spend the night at yours so you don't have to worry about Ankha and you'll be safe in your own space."
This. This is why he's my best friend because he just gets it. "Yeah. I like that. I'm down." I say happily. Genuinely happy. I feel a little bit lighter already if I'm honest.
"Great!" He sounds ecstatic. Finally, something went right.
We finish our beers together and slam our glasses down on the table in unison before getting up together to leave.
He leads the way and I trail behind, looking back towards Mao's table for one last glance but its only his friends. His guitar is still there but he's disappeared. I wonder where -
"Oh! Sorry!" I hear his voice before I even register someone had bumped into me. I didn't even notice I had walked straight into someone, but of all people it had to be him!
Mao stands before me checking me over and holding a fresh bottle in his hand. He's so … something up close. All my blood just been drained from me and I don't quite understand why.
"I wasn't watching where I was going. I'm sorry." He stammers sweetly and his kindness and concern is so… endearing.
Say something. Anything. He doesn't need to apologise, I was the one not watching.
I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Like at all. This is the second time I've choked! Come on!
"Um… it doesn't look like I spilled anything on you. I'll be more careful in future." He sounds shy and nervous.
Of course he is, I'm just staring at him. Say something. Say it's fine. Tell him everything is fine.
"Fine."
… fine?! Just fine? Atem! The fuck!
His nervous smile fades and he quickly looks over to his friends and back to me. Fuck! I'm ruining this!
"Um… well, I should let you go. Sorry, again. Heh, um… I hope you have a good night."
He slips around me as if afraid I'll snap at him… I'm not dangerous, I'm just awkward!
Fuck. Just. Say. Something!
"Mao!"
I practically shout at him. He stops… the world stops. Everyone is staring. I regret saying anything now. I should have just ran.
He's waiting. Everyone is waiting. If the world could swallow me up right now that would be fucking phenomenal.
"Um…" My voice is wavering and I cough to clear my throat. "Y-you… your music is really nice."
Great! Now run! Just fucking run!
He smiles.
And its so beautiful. The way his light coloured eyes twinkle like the stars and his soft, round cheeks puff with his smile. I want to touch them. To feel just how soft they are. How warm he is. I've never wanted to touch anyone quite like this before. And no one has ever reduced me to a stupid idiot like this before either.
"Thank you."
I want to laugh but instead some weird, high pitched and strained hum is caught behind my lips and his smile becomes impossibly cute and bashful.
"Maybe I'll see you around?" He asks sweetly and my heart… could it beat any heavier?
I want to say yes… actually I want to stay. I want to stay here and steal as much of his voice as I can, as many glances… but Mahad is waiting and the only thing that leaves my throat now is an awkward "mhmm."
"Great. I'll look out for you. Instead of, you know, bumping into you." He says adorably and I feel my body sway and foolishly I say
"I don't mind if you bump into me."
He laughs and I feel like I'm painted bright like a clown and my clothes just disappeared. I am livid and beyond embarrassed but there's something small about his smile that makes me cautiously optimistic that maybe I'm okay.
"Then, maybe we'll bump into one another again. I have to go, um… it was nice bumping into you."
He waves me off and with a spring in his step weaves around another table to return to his friends.
I feel weightless. I feel like I could just collapse here and be happy. I feel almost dizzy.
I am only vaguely aware of strong warm hands around my wrist, tugging me along. Mao catches me staring at him and he smiles shyly. I finally pull my eyes off him and follow every one of Mahads steps for I do not trust my own.
I did it. I talked to him. I almost screwed it up but I didn't. I complimented him.
"The hell was that about?" Mahad asks me when we reach the door.
"I don't know." I mumble quietly. "That was Mao."
"Who's Mao?"
Who is he? A talented musician that has somehow cast his spell on my mind. He is a mystery, a dangerous man for I lost all sense of self when he is near. Who is he? I want to know. I want to know everything about him and why he has such an effect on me.
"Atem?"
"I don't know." I say absently to the air in the hopes that the universe will answer my questions.