So You Think You Know Better
(Or Hospice Care)
Disclaimer: I claim no rights to Supernatural, or any of the characters you find here.
Spoilers: Continued coda to 5-22. Sam POV.
Warnings: Angst, references to suicide.
Chapter 3: Sam
Sam was Sam, until he wasn't.
He was power and vengeance, desperation and disappointment.
He was the thought that vaporized Castiel, and snapped Bobby's neck.
He was the fist that beat Dean's face into a mass of blood, broken bones and swollen flesh.
He was eons of anger, arrogance, jealousy and hate.
But, Sam wasn't Sam, not anymore.
Then Dean promised not to leave him, and he had something Lucifer didn't.
He had devotion and forgiveness. He had loyalty and love.
Sam had Dean, and a lifetime of memories to remind him.
Then, Sam was Sam again.
He remembered falling, but not landing. He's not sure that he did.
He remembered the cemetery in Lawrence, then standing in the street outside Lisa's house. The time between is empty.
It's like, for a short time, he had simply stopped being. Then, in the street outside of Lisa's house, he'd started up again.
Simple as that.
Dean was eating at a table with Lisa and Ben. Sam watched.
He saw the blank expression on his brother's face, the tumbler of dark liquor at his elbow.
He watched, and willed his thoughts to Dean. Thought, this is what you wanted, now be happy. Be happy.
Dean pushed his food around on his plate and sipped his drink. Sam kept watching.
Castiel found him, later that night. He asked how long it'd been.
"Almost two weeks, now," Castiel answered.
"Is he ever happy?" he asked.
"No," Castiel replied.
He fought the urge to rush forward and kick down Lisa's door, to gather up his brother and drive them both away from here.
He wanted Dean to have this. Dean deserved this. He just needed more time.
Sam nodded to himself, and turned away from Lisa's house.
"He will be," he said. "He'll be happy with them."
He watched Lisa's house every night. He soon realized, she was watching him right back.
He kept coming. He couldn't stop.
He needed to see it. The minute Dean got better. The minute Dean was happy again.
Castiel sent him on hunts. Bobby did sometimes, too. He picked up side jobs painting houses, and hustled pool.
Mostly, he watched Dean.
Weeks passed, and Dean wasn't getting better.
He had daydreams of knocking on Lisa's door. He imagined what Dean would say, or do.
They'd hug, of course. A good hug, like the one Dean had given him after coming back from hell. Better.
He'd press a kiss into his brother's hair, like he'd seen harried mothers do, after losing a child in the mall, or grocery store.
He'd murmur in Dean's ear, "I missed you. I'm sorry. Will you be happy, now?"
He didn't knock on Lisa's door.
Every time he came close, he'd remember that graveyard in Lawrence. All of those memories of love and family were drenched in pain and death.
Dean would never be safe with Sam. He would never have a home, or a family.
He would be hunted. He'd take stupid risks to keep Sam safe. It's what Dean did.
So, Sam watched, but he didn't knock.
"Crowley was here today," Castiel told him.
"Why?" he asked.
Castiel looked troubled, but didn't reply.
Sam started to get a very bad feeling.
That night, he heard Lisa talking from the back porch. She was alone.
"He thinks you don't want him," she said, "You don't make your move soon, it'll be too late."
Sam dug his nails into his palms as she spoke. He stayed quiet and still, but his mind was screaming, Get in there! Tell him you want him! What are you waiting for?
Lisa just sat on the porch, while he bit his tongue, and seethed.
Two days later, Crowley came back. Sam's bad feeling got worse.
It was evening by the time Castiel tracked the demon down. They asked him what Dean had wanted.
"The Colt," Crowley said.
"What for?" Sam asked.
"Oblivion," Crowley replied.
By the time they got to Lisa's, Dean was already gone.
Okay, so I admit, I'm getting cold feet. When this thing was a one shot, I was perfectly happy with Dean dying at the end. Even with Dean's POV, I was still happy. But now, Sam is giving me second thoughts.
I'm honestly curious what you guys think. I've already decided to do Castiel POV next, and the story could really go either way. I just really have no idea how I want it to end anymore. Please let me know if you have any suggestions. As always, all reviews are welcome. And thank you for reading!