A/N: yet another bunch of silly humor. It was fun to write, but it made me realize that writing about babies is hard and almost as unnerving as having to deal with real ones XD


"Are ye sure this is normal?" Killigan asked – no, he shouted – over his daughter's wailing. He knew shouting wasn't exactly a good idea if he wanted her to stop bawling, but there really wasn't any other way for Amy to hear him otherwise. That wee lassie definitely had some lungs, and she apparently liked using them to make sure everybody in a mile would know just how displeased she was.

And she was displeased by a rather big amount of things, he mused. Not that it surprised him considering that she was a Killigan after all, but after the fifth week with pretty much no sleep he wasn't sure he still thought of it as something that positive.

"Oh, sure it is. You're just a loud baby, aren't you, cutie?" Amy chirped, apparently unsettled by Alice's wailing as she took her in her arms – as for himself, Killigan was most relieved by the fact he could use his hands to cover his ears instead.

"Lass, I am the one who asked – why are ye replying to her?" he demanded to know as she tried – without much success so far – to shush the child "she can't even get what ye're saying!"

"No need to get all jealous again," she chided him before immediately turning back to Alice "aw, sugar pie, don't be a naughty girl – you look a lot cuter when you smile!"

"Ye've seen her smiling and didn't take a shot?" Killigan asked somewhat sarcastically.

"Don't be silly, Duffy, you know she's too young to smile yet," Amy said, stopping her fussing over Alice just for a moment.

"But she's old enough to wail."

"Don't get all cranky as well, honey bunny, I'm just trying to calm her down."

"Aye, too bad it isn't working," he said with a grimace "do ye think she's hungry?"

"Oh, no, she just ate," Amy said, ignoring the fact 'drinking' would probably be a better term to describe her feeding process "and she doesn't need to be changed either. She just had her daily bath."

"So she's just bawling for the heck of it?" Killigan grunted.

She pouted. "That makes it sound so harsh – she just wants our attention. Don't you, sweetie?" she chirped, causing him to roll his eyes as Alice kept bawling.

"Aye, and she got it. What does she want now?" he muttered, but Amy didn't hear him over the wailing.

"Ohh, lookie here, cutie pie!" she shrilled instead, waving one of those…those…plushies of hers in front of her daughter's face…with the only result of making her cry louder. But honestly, Killigan thought with a grimace, what wee lassie wouldn't cry when some kind of mixture between a rhino and a squirrel is waved in front of their eyes?

"Och, put that thing away," he said, glancing at it in disgust "she doesn't like it!"

"Don't be silly, sure she does," she insisted almost defensively, and Killigan faintly wondered if she could really be oblivious of the fact Alice was trying to raise her arms as if to shield herself from that thing's sight, her wailing getting – if possible – even louder and almost angry.

Then again, she could really be oblivious: she wasn't exactly perceptive on that kind of things, he mused as he glanced in distaste at the pink sleep suit Alice was wearing. He had absolutely refused to get into any baby store and thus he had left everything in Amy's hands, but maybe it had been a mistake. For some reason, he was pretty sure that if only Alice could talk she would have protested for that horrid, ribbons-filled, bright pink…thing her mother had bought her. It even had a small hood with bunny ears. What had she been thinking when she bought it anyway?

"Lass, ye're keeping that…that…thing too close to her face," he said, trying his best to stay quiet and not snap, an awful headache building up in his skull. He held up his hands to take that stupid plushie and keep it away from Alice, but Amy clearly misunderstood his intentions.

"Oh, right – I better get the cutest one, I bet she'll like it! Let me go to get it," she exclaimed, immediately handling the screaming baby to him.

He blinked. "Uh?" he muttered, glancing down at Alice, and he suddenly felt something oddly close to panic as he realized Amy was about to leave him alone in the same room with the bawling child: in five weeks, he had always been careful to never having to deal with the baby himself. He didn't know what to do around a baby anyway! "Wait a minute, lass! Ye can't just leave it to me! I don't know…how to…" he gradually lowered his voice and finally paused as he realized that, indeed, there was no need to shout anymore for Amy to hear him. And there was no need to shout because Alice had…well, stopped crying. She was just hiccupping a little now, her face still reddened, staring up at him as if he were some odd creature she had just found napping in her crib. "...what?"

"Aww, how did you make her stop?" Amy asked, looking absolutely delighted as Alice apparently decided her father wasn't worth that much attention after all and put her thumb in her mouth, absentimindedly gazing ahead.

"Er…I don't know," Killigan blinked, glancing down at the child "she just stopped."

Amy giggled. "See? She likes you!" she said, giving him a pat on his back that almost made him drop Alice...who, in the other hand, was falling in a slumber surprisigly quickly. It looked like bawling all day long was a tiring business after all.

"Aye, right," Killigan said gruffly, but he was grinning a little as he looked down at the now napping baby again. Alright, maybe the fact his sight was enough to make Alice fall asleep wasn't that flattering, but it would surely be useful should she start bawling again in the middle of the night.

"This calls for a picture!" Amy exclaimed, reaching for a small camera she always had with her since the day Alice was born.

"Wha…? Forget it, lass! I'm Duff Killigan! I don't take shots with wee babies!" he protested, trying to handle the infant back at her.

"Stop being silly, you look adorable!"

"I don't!"

"Yes, you do!"

Killigan gritted his teeth. "That's not the point – I have a reputation, ye know," he muttered. He knew all too well that Amy just wouldn't be able to just keep the picture to herself: if she let her take a shot, he was sure she would show it to anyone she knew in no time. It had only taken her a few days to make sure the whole villain community would know he had fainted in the delivery room when Alice was born, he thought resentfully. He was never going to be able to show if face out of the island for years…!

Amy pouted. "But she's your daughter, you have to take at least one picture with her!" she protested "she is five weeks old already, and you still haven't!"

"Aye, I will – when she gets older!" he said. Last thing he needed was giving everyone another good reason to have a good laugh at his expenses at the next villain convention.

"But, honey bunny…"

"When. She's. Older."

Amy seemed about to protest, but she just sighed. "Alright, pookie bear, when she's older," she said, lowring the camera "besides, the stain on your kilt would have ruined the picture."

"Eh? What stain?" Killigan glanced down at his kilt "I don't see any--"

CLICK!

"What the…? That's it, lass, ye're in trouble!" Killigan barked as Amy giggled and ran out of the room with the camera. He grunted – such a stupid trick, and he had complied just like a wee laddie! "I hope she won't show it to the world," Killigan muttered to no one in particular, this time keeping his voice lower – if Alice hadn't woken up when he had shouted at Amy she probably wouldn't wake up now…but it was always better to not take risks, he mused as he put her back in her crib. She squirmed a little in her sleep, but thankfully she didn't wake up. Killigan doubted he would be able to stay sane if she did.

He turned to get out of the room and stop Amy before she could put that blasted picture on the Internet or something equally stupid, but he stopped on the doorway. He couldn't quite tell why, but for some reason he had the distinct feeling he was forgetting something. He scratched his chin in throught.

…oh, right. Killigan glanced around to make sure Amy wasn't there – last thing he needed was having her taking another embarrassing picture – then he walked back to the crib and quickly pulled the baby blanked over the sleeping child before finally stomping outside to find Amy. He wasn't kidding when he said she was in trouble, and that was the last time she got to hold a camera anywhere near him. Ever.

CLICK!

"...eh?"

Being awakened was something Killigan had never appreciated – let alone while he was busy dreaming of himself successfully turning the world into a giant golf field. And the fact that it had been the blinding flash of a camera to wake him up from such a pleasant dream definitely didn't help.

"What the heck…?" he said groggily, looking around, and he blinked as he saw Amy by his side, looking at him almost apologetically and still holding that blasted camera in her hands. "Och, lass, what do ye think ye're doing?"

She gave him a sheepish smile. "Oh, I'm so sorry I woke you up, pookie bear – but I just had to take a picture, you look so cute together!" she squealed in delight, looking down.

"Uh?" Killigan blinked again and followed her gaze to see Alice curled against his side as if he were some oversized pillow, deeply asleep. She was sucking her thumb, her other hand holding onto his pajamas, her legs moving just a little in her sleep. "How did she get here?" he asked, baffled – she was just eight months old, and even though she was getting quicker and better at crawling around he highly doubted she could get out of her crib and climb on their bed by herself.

He glanced at Amy almost accusingly, and she grinned apologetically. "I brought her," she admitted, her eyes beaming as she glanced at the sleeping child "she wouldn't stop crying, and I couldn't leave her alone! So I thought it wouldn't hurt keeping her with us for a while…and then she immediately crawled to you and fell asleep in no time!" she giggled as she leant next to him, resting her head on his shoulder, and he could only be glad that Alice's presence between them prevented her from giving him one of her usual bone-breaking hugs – she had enough sense to know it would crush a baby, thankfully "isn't she the cutest thing?"

Killigan glanced back down to his daughter, who moved slightly in her sleep and snuggled a tad closer to him. Why the heck had she decided to use him as a pillow while her mother was definitely much softer, he wondered briefly, but he eventually grinned – she did look cute and somewhat innocent while sleeping…exactly the way she didn't look while she was awake.

"Aye," he simply said, reaching down for the child and pulling her onto his stomach, and his grin widened as her tiny fingers instinctively wrapped around his thumb while she kept sleeping – she had a good grip for a wee lassie.

Amy giggled against his neck. "Honey bunny?" she called, causing Killigan to sigh inwardly while bracing himself for whatever sugary nonsense she was about to say.

"What?"

Much to his surprise, however, she merely snuggled closer. "Nothing," she finally said quietly.

Killigan blinked. "What? Are ye feeling alright?" he asked as he pulled back just enough to look at her, startled. She gave him a sheepish, almost timid smile.

"It's nothing important, really," she paused in thought for a few moments, as if unsure if she should speak or not "I'm happy, sweetums," she finally said, reaching down to gently rub her daughter's small back.

"Och, is that all? Ye got me worried, lass," Killigan grumbled a little.

Amy giggled. "Oh, don't be silly – there's nothing to worry about," she said, pinching his cheek and causing him to snort.

"Sure there isn't," he paused for a few moments, glancing at the finger that was currently blocked in Alice's grasp, then his other arm went around Amy's waist. "It isn't half bad on this side either," he said vaguely.

She laughed. "Ooh, is this your way to say you're happy?" she chirped.

Killigan rolled his eyes – alright, fine, he supposed he was…but she didn't really expect him to say that, did she? What the heck, he was Duff Killigan, the world's most dangerous golfer! It would be a cold day in hell whenever he said anything that mushy. "More or less," he muttered, avoiding to look at her.

"No need to be so grumpy," she almost chided him.

"Och, ye know ye shouldn't wake me up," he retorted "that's the most pleasant reaction ye can get. Especially since the two of ye seem to have mistaken me for a giant pillow,"

She was about to point out that it didn't seem to bother him hat much only moments before, but she decided against it. "Oh, you're more like a big, sulky teddy bear," she said, knowing fully it would annoy him…but she couldn't resist – he was so much cuter when he was being all grumpy sometimes.

"I'm not cute, lass."

She reached to pinch his cheek. "Say what you want – you know you are!"

"Ye're never going to drop it, uh?"

"Nope. Are you going to play golf this morning?"

"Aye. Why?"

"You could bring Alice with you," Amy suggested "I bet she's love spending some time together!"

Killigan nodded – it was about time he began to teach her the basics after all. He grinned. "Why not?"

"…and here's where the left hand goes, and then ye just have to swing the club – like this, ye see, lassie?" Killigan instructed, swinging the club and tuning to the child sitting on the grass a few steps from him. Alice laughed and clapped her hands – she seemed to find the sight of her father swinging the golf club extremely amusing for some reason – then she reached up for him with a gurgling noise.

"Och, I knew ye would have loved it," the golfer said with a snicker, sitting next to his daughter and roughly ruffling her short hair "how about trying, lassie?"

Alice immediately crawled closer to him, and Duff was quick to take it as a 'yes'. He put the child on his knees and placed her little hands on the golf club, then he swung it, causing her to laugh even harder. "Aye, like that," he grinned proudly as the child began trying to swing the club by herself – it surprised him even that she was able to move it, though barely of a few inches, without his help "not bad for a wee lassie. Now, why don't ye –"

"Cutie pie!" Amy's shrill interrupted him, causing him to roll his eyes.

"…forget it," he grunted a little – he didn't like it when she interrupted those lessons – but his frown disappeared when a familiar scent filled his nostrils, causing his stomach to grumble. Well, he thought as he took the golf club away from Alice's hands and turned to Amy, the rest of the lesson could wait after all. "Lunch time?" he asked with a grin, looking at the lunchbox – haggis sandwiches, just as he had thought.

"Yes – we don't want this cutie to get hungry, do we?" she cooed, sitting next to him on the grass and taking Alice in her arms. She tickled her under her chin, causing the child to giggle.

"Och, I was hungry too," Killigan remarked as he reached for a sandwich, feeling somewhat jealous – it somewhat annoyed him how mother and daughter seemed to share a bond he was cut off from. Alright, it was perfectly normal since Alice was still a baby, still…

"Aw, don't get all grumpy now," she chided him with a chuckle "you know you're my –"

"Aye, I know," he cut her off before she could finish the embarrassing sentence, then he took a bite of his haggis sandwich "ye have no idea of what ye're missing," he said with his mouth full, glancing at his daughter as she swallowed a spoonful of oatmeal.

"Well, she seems to quite like it," Amy giggled as her daughter eagerly opened her mouth for more "don't you, sweetie pie?"

Alice replied with a whiny, almost annoyed sound, reaching up for the oatmeal – Killigan snickered, easily guessing what that noise could mean.

Aye, aye, love it, whatever – now move on with that spoon, I'm hungry!

His snickering, however, was short lived. "Hey, stay away from that!" he barked as one of Amy's creations – a dogster? – walked too close to the lunchbox. It yelped, immediately running behind Amy, who pouted.

"Duffy, you shouldn't be so mean," she protested "here, here, it's okay…"

Killigan snorted. "Och, that thing should stay miles away from my lunch. Just be glad I allow it to stay inside the castle in winter – it should stay outside with the others," he replied, glaring at the…dogster as it licked Alice's nose, causing her to laugh and reach out for the dog-lobster creature's muzzle. Killigan's gaze softened just a little – he still didn't like that…thing a bit, but Alice did, so maybe he could live with it. Maybe. Well, at least those other…creatures had learned to stay away from his golf course.

Amy was about to speak, but she seemed to notice the slight change in his gaze, for she changed subject. Killigan just listened absentmindedly as she kept chattering of nonsense about her creatures while feeding Alice, his mind wandering to the stuff he was going to have to get next time he got out of the island – what the heck, it wasn't like she listened much to him when he began rambling about golf either.

He was thinking about suggesting Amy to go with him – Alice was growing up quickly and she definitely needed some new clothes, but he wasn't going anywhere near a baby store as long as he lived – when he was suddenly brought back to reality by something, someone in this case, snatching his tam away from his head.

"What the…" he muttered, turning to see Alice giving him a toothless grin, the tam tightly clutched in her small chubby hands. Amy was giggling, still holding her up.

"Alice, you meanie," she said trying, without much success, to sound angry "give it back!"

The child seemed to consider the idea for a moment or two, then she simply decided she didn't care. Killigan couldn't help but snicker when she put the tam, which was far too large for her, on her head, and reached out for him with a small laughter. "Too big for a wee lassie," he said with a broad grin, picking up his daughter and pulling back the tam so it wouldn't cover her eyes "but when ye'll get bigger, then maybe…what's that?" he asked as he Amy began giggling.

"Oh, nothing, nothing important," she said, putting away what was left of the oatmeal and taking a cookie from the lunch box "you just look so cute together…!"

Killigan grimaced as she said 'cute'. "Do ye just have to repeat that every day, lass?" he grunted "ye know I – ow!" he trailed off with a yelp as Alice grabbed a handful of his beard and pulled. His reaction seemed to amuse the little girl greatly, for she grinned again, staring up at him with an almost challenging look.

"Ye're getting sassy, ye know," Duff Killigan grumbled, but he was grinning as he pulled the tam back down on Alice's eyes, causing her to shriek with amusement "I like that."

Amy chuckled, then she stayed unusually quiet for a few moments as she watched both her husband and daughter. "Honey bunny?"

"Wha – ouch! Lass, are ye really trying to kill someone?" he nearly yelled, almost dropping Alice on the ground as Amy suddenly hugged him. He was about to complain more about how she would give him a heart attack if she kept doing that, but she silenced him before he could utter another word.

Silencing someone like him wasn't easy – one could have said it was simply impossible – but there was a way, and Amy knew it perfectly. After all, how can you speak when your lips are…otherwise occupied?

But of course, they couldn't expect it to last for long with a eight-months-old right there. Killigan gave a sigh as Alice began to blabber and squirm in his grasp, trying to get their attention back. "Ye really are a pain sometimes, lassie," he grumbled as Amy took her back in her arms began cooing some nonsense to her.

"Don't be a meanie, Duffy," she chided him again, taking away the tam from her daughter's head – the child protested a little, but not too much – and handling it back to him "I know you don't mean it anyway," she added with a grin. Killigan grunted something intelligible, but as he took back his tam and put it back on his head Amy could see clearly he was still smirking.