"Love would be something I'd just know. How you gunna know the feeling till you lost it?"
- Jimmy Eat World
"Home or the hospital?" he asked as we slid into the car. I couldn't think straight right now.
"Uh home, if no one's there we'll go to the hospital," I said feeling sick to my stomach. Questions buzzed through my head. When? Where? Is he okay? Was it serious? I didn't know what to do. I felt so guilty.
I kept picturing Granddad's face everywhere. When we were little and he'd give me extra cookies and then wink. When he would cover me up with a blanket when he thought I had been sleeping. When he would give me a dollar and tell me to save it for something special.
All these times just kept rushing back, because I didn't want to lose him. Sure, he had toughened up after Grandma's death, and our relationship wasn't at its best, but that didn't mean I didn't love him. I didn't want to lose him. The car didn't seem to go fast enough though I could barely make out our surrounding because they were blurs of green.
Edward didn't talk as he drove. He allowed me to be alone with my thoughts although I wasn't exactly sure I wanted that. My thoughts didn't make sense to me.
Please, let this be a sick joke. I prayed silently as we approached my house. Edward stopped in front of it. I knew he wouldn't leave until I told him too. I opened the door and flew out.
I threw open my front door. It was unlocked. That meant someone was home.
"Mom? Granddad?" I shouted and closed the door behind me.
"Bella!" my mother's voice came from the kitchen. Her voice was laden with relief. Again the guilt ate at me.
She walked into the living room. Her hair was sticking up from the lose pony tail she had put it in. She had dark circles under her eyes and looked very pale.
"Where have you been!" she asked with widened eyes.
"Where's Granddad? Is he okay?" I asked. Maybe this was a joke and the only reason my mother looked like this was because she was worried about me. But at my sentence her eyes filled with tears and she looked away.
"What happened?" I asked again.
"He…had a heart attack last night. The doctor's say he's in critical condition. They haven't allowed any visitors just yet. Your father and cousin's are at the hospital. We've been worried sick about you. When we came home we assumed you had been with Rose, but she told us—"
"When?" I asked cutting her off.
"Around five this morning," she answered without missing a beat.
I opened the door and walked out.
"Bella! Come here!" she called but I was already opening the door to Edward's car. He started the car.
"Where too?" he asked.
"The hospital," I told him and stared at my mother. She was standing at the door way with a look of confusion. She wouldn't be happy with me, but I needed to know more. Edward drove away and again I was left with staring out the window.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Heart attack at five this morning. Critical," I answered shortly and tried to hold it together.
He will be okay. He will be okay. I chanted to myself like mantra hoping the words will become more and more real every time I said it. I didn't believe it but I had to do something.
I was horrible. My grandfather could have been dying and I was with the person I was supposed to hate. It was just like the dance. Would this guilt ever go away? Guilt wasn't supposed to be a part of love, was it?
"It'll be okay," Edward whispered the words in my head and grasped my hand tightly. I glanced at him and he offered me a small smile and then turned back to the road. He sounded so sure. I wanted to be angry and thankful at the same time.
"I'm not so sure," I whispered and felt the tears pool in my eyes.
"He's a strong man," Edward told me and I knew it was true. He had always been strong. I nodded and felt the tears slide down my cheek.
I needed Edward right now. I needed his words of comfort and his hand around mine. I squeezed his hand and scooted closer to him. He wrapped his arm around me and let me bury myself in his neck as he drove.
Silent tears continued to slide down my cheeks.
We made it to the hospital and he parked and we both got out.
"I think you should go up there alone. I'm sure I'm the last person your family wants to see right now but I'll be in the cafe if you need me," he explained and I nodded. He was right. He couldn't come with me, though I wanted him too.
As soon as we entered we went our separate ways. I ran to the front desk.
"I'm here for Charles Swan", I told the old red head working the counter. She glanced up. She popped her gum and began to type on the computer. My fingers strummed impatiently.
"Do you know the room number?" she asked in a tired voice. I shook my head.
"All I know is—"
"Bella!" I heard the sound of my father's voice behind her. I looked up.
"Just go," she said and turned back to her computer. I ran to him. He was on the phone.
"I got her. Ok, ok, bye," he said and snapped it shut. I jumped.
"How is he?" I asked. I could see a bit of anger behind his brown eyes, but he let it pass when he saw my expression. My situation and punishment would come later. Now just wasn't the time.
"He's not doing too well. I'm not sure he'll be able to…get through it," Charlie said and swallowed hard. My knees went week. I could see the fear behind my father's calm expression. He couldn't say things like that. He just couldn't give up like that, that wasn't how it worked.
"Oh," I felt the word leave my lips but I wasn't sure how. He wrapped his hand around my shoulders.
"C'mon. Let's go," he said and began to lead me somewhere. I wasn't sure where. We walked into an elevator.
"Can…Can we see him?" I asked and looked at the buttons as it flashed up.
"He's not up, but the doctor said we could see him one at a time. He doesn't look so good," Charlie said and the door dinged opened. He led me down a white sparkling hall. The intercom was paging doctors and nurses were running around with different carts and charts. My shoes squeaked with every step down the hall. It smelled of anesthetics and rubber.
He led me in a small waiting room. Rose was reading a magazine and Jazz was watching the television. A couple was sitting across the waiting room talking quietly.
Jasper looked up when he saw me. Instantly his eyes heated, but I couldn't deal with him. Rose closed her magazine.
"Bella! Where were you? When you parents said you were supposed to come home with us, I freaked because you had never—" I shook my head, letting her know I didn't want to talk about it.
I walked over and took the seat next to her staring blankly at the television.
"I'm going to pick up your mother. Call if you get any news," Charlie said and walked out the room. It was only silent for about three seconds before Jasper spoke.
"You were with Cullen weren't you?" Jasper snapped. I didn't look at him. I didn't even answer him. I didn't want to deal with his stupid shit right now. My grandfather was dying I had bigger things to worry about.
"What are you talking about, Jazz?" Rosalie asked exasperated.
"Jacob said you ran off with a servant at the waiting. But I'm not stupid I know the Cullen's crashed it. Why would you help with that? Are you just going to—"
"I had no idea they were planning that. Seth helped him so just shut the hell up already!" I snapped and glared at him. He didn't react.
"What in the world are you talking about?" Rosalie asked.
"She's been dating Cullen behind our backs. Since November," Jasper said and never took his eyes off me.
"Which one?" she asked with an intake of breath.
"Edward," I answered.
"Why?"
"Because I love him, a concept your hard headed brother can't understand," I said. If Jasper was going to tell there was no reason to keep it secret. I'm sure Emmett already knew from Alice anyway.
"Yeah, and look where that landed you. In his bed while your grandfather dies in a hospital!" Jasper snapped and stood quickly. My eyes fogged with tears because he went too far.
"Jasper!" I heard Rosalie reprimand.
"You don't know anything Jazz! I love him! Okay I seriously love him. He loves me too and yes I admit I was with him last night, but dammit don't turn this on me! How was I supposed to know this would happen? You don't think I feel bad enough without you pounding the guilt!" I shouted and stood myself to put us on more even ground. It didn't matter Jasper was still taller than me.
"So what? You think everything's going to be okay? You love him so we can throw away all our problems with the Cullen's down the drain. We can start all over? Life doesn't work that way Bella!" he spat. His eyes darkened.
"I know that! But if you loved me you would want me to happy. So what if I find happiness with him. It's none of your business. Alice can understand that why can't you?" I snapped and his eyes grew wide. A disgusted smile crept over his face.
"So now your best friends with them Bella?" he sneered and I was taken aback by the look on his face. He looked at me like he looked at Emmett Cullen when he made an offensive comment toward him. He looked at me like when Alice would get to close to him in the hall. He wasn't supposed to do that.
"How could you have kept this from us?" Rose whispered and I looked at her. Her sapphire eyes were shiny with tears. She looked hurt and betrayed and I wanted nothing more than to break down. I felt alone. They were turning on me.
"You wouldn't have understood…it was—"
"So you could tell Alice Cullen, but you can't tell me? I'm your flesh and blood. I tell you everything, Bella!" Rosalie snapped. I felt surrounded.
"No! It wasn't like that. She…found out on her own we just—"
"It's like I don't know you anymore," Rosalie breathed and walked away from me and sat next to Jasper. I stared at her as though she had slapped me.
"How could you say that? I'm still me! I have always been me and you—"
"She's right, Bella. Because the Bella we knew wouldn't have lied to us, snuck behind our back, or betray us and you've done all of that," Jasper said and slowly sat back down. Rose didn't look at me. She stared unseeing at the TV.
"So that's it? You're going to hate me because I fell in love!"
"It's not what you did, but who you did it with!" Jasper snapped.
"I can't help who I love and it's wrong of both of you to turn your backs on me!"
"Don't you dare stand there and tell us what's wrong or not! If anyone is in the wrong it's sure as hell not us!" Jasper growled. They were seriously doing this? Both of them. I was angry and I was hurt and a whole bunch more of emotions.
"You're my family. You're supposed to love me no matter what!" I defended because it couldn't end like this. They just couldn't do this. They were all I had!
"I already gave you your chance to make it right and you didn't," Jasper said with no emotion.
"Because I shouldn't have to give up my happiness to please you! I shouldn't have too and your being a total—"
"Bella," a soft voice came from the door way. I snapped my head up to see Edward leaning against it.
Jasper and Rosalie both lifted their head. Rose's eyes widened and Jasper's narrowed.
"You brought him here?" Rose asked in a whisper.
"She needed a ride," Edward answered for me.
"Don't talk to her," Jasper snapped. I ignored it all as I ran to him and hugged him because I needed him right now. I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. I needed a reminder into why I was doing this. Why it was worth it.
He hugged me back and I let the tears flow freely. They soaked his shirt but I don't think he really seemed to mind.
"Bella," Rosalie said softly and I turned. She began to sit up but Jasper grabbed her arm and brought her back to her seat. She didn't fight him. She only stared at me with pleading eyes.
"Let's go get something to eat," Edward whispered in my ear. I nodded and shot a quick glance at my cousins before following him out the door. He led me to the cafeteria. He placed me in a seat and left to get food. I buried my head in my hands and tried to stop acting like I was.
I couldn't allow myself to think about my family. I couldn't allow myself to…to… I felt like sobbing. I probably would have broken down had Edward not returned.
He handed me a carton of soup and two rolls, along with a soda bottle and apple.
"I don't need all this," I told him but he only shrugged.
"You haven't eaten since last night. It's been a long morning. You need to eat," he said and I opened the soup. Cream of chicken.
He grabbed a candy from his pocket and ate it slowly.
"Did you eat while you were down here?" I asked and slowly ate my soup. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until the smell of food was in front of me. I pulled a roll apart and ate that. My cheeks felt stiff from the tears.
He nodded to my question.
"So… was it as brutal as it seemed?" he asked with worried eyes. I finished chewing and nodded.
"They…act like I'm…"
"A Cullen?" he teased with his crooked smile. I nodded and tried to smile back but I don't think I was successful.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
"For what?" he asked.
"For…just for everything," I said and ran a hand through my hair to take away the loose strands that had snuck out of my pony tail. He snuck a finger under my chin and lifted it so I stared at him.
"Hey, there's no reason to apologize. I love you," he whispered and I smiled because the words made me feel better.
"Try to keep the mushy stuff down to a minimum," a light airy voice said and we both jumped. I looked up to see Rosalie staring down at me.
She took a seat next to me and stole one of my rolls. She ripped it and dipped it in my soup as she took a bite.
I sent a small smile her way.
"What are you doing here?" I asked and passed her my soda. She played around with the cap. Opening and closing it.
"You're right. I can't…I can't blame you for falling in love…I can't blame you for falling in love with…well with him," she said and sent a look Edward's way. He rolled his eyes and leaned back in his seat.
"Do you need a moment?" he asked her and I could detect the soft hint of bitterness in his voice. She shook her head.
"No. It's for both of you. You should hear it too," she said and took a deep breath. She opened the soda and took a swig before placing it back on the table and giving it to me.
"I don't approve. I don't know if I ever will, but I won't hold this against you. I know…you can't help who you fall in love with. That is completely out of our control. I understand that," she started and glanced between us.
"I'm not about to lose my best friend over this, so it's not me you have to worry about. I just wanted to let you know that," she said and smiled. I could feel my own smile take over my face as I hugged her tightly.
"Thank you. That means so much," I whispered into her ear. She giggled.
"Whatever makes you happy," she said and we pulled away. I could see Edward holding back a grin. She looked over him.
"Though I have to say that I think Jacob would be the better choice," she said and Edward scowled. I held back a laugh.
"I'm kidding. I have to go though, before Jasper comes and decides to kick drama king over here, out," she said and lifted herself up from the chair. She took my apple and walked out the cafe.
"Two down, about a whole family to go," I said and he laughed.
. . .
Edward decided it would be best if he stopped home. He needed to shower and change. I agreed with him and was forced back into the small waiting room with my family. Charlie came back a little bit after I had come up.
My mother was changed and looked better than she had this morning. We must have spent half an hour at the hospital before a doctor finally came up to us.
He had informed us that my grandfather was awake, but we could only visit him one at a time to keep his stress level low. I wanted to go first.
This only brought me in front of his closed room door. My heart hammered. I brushed away any stray tears and took a calming breath before opening the door.
The sight was an immediate hit of déjà vu. The white hospital room with all the noisy machines. It was like the dream I had with Edward. Only it wasn't Edward lying on the bed hooked up to about fifty seven machines, but my grandfather.
He looked mechanical with all the wires coming from him. I had never seen him look so fragile. A light beeping filled the room, measuring his heart beat. His eyes were closed and his breathing was heavy.
As quietly as I could manage I walked over to his side and pulled a chair near him.
"Granddad," I whispered and his eyes lifted. It seemed like the movement was exhausting for him because it took him several tries before they were completely opened. He turned his head and his eyes found mine. His breathing picked up and I figured he was trying to talk.
"Bella," he said with a heavy breath. I nodded but held back the tears that had began to sting my eyes.
"I'm here, I'm so…sorry. I should have been here earlier. I should have been home—"
"Stop," he whispered and I listened immediately. He lifted his hand and I reached over to grasp it in mine. His hold was so weak and I wasn't use to this. My grandfather was as tough as nails. I didn't want him this vulnerable.
"I…know…who you…were with," he said and every word took effort for him to speak. My eyes widened. Did he know? Or did he think he knew? I raised my eyebrows in question.
"The…Edward…boy," he clarified and I felt the shame wash over me. How had he found out?
"I wasn't aware you knew," I whisper and was surprised by his course laugh. It sounded off, but it was a laugh none the less and it brought a smile to my face.
"I know…because you're just…like me," he said and I was confused. I scrunched my eyebrows and he smiled once more.
"I fell in love…with a Cullen… but I… let her go…" he took a break and collected his breath before he started again.
"They didn't approve…the family. She was willing… to give her family…up, but…I wasn't," he said and I watched as his eyes filled with heavy tears. I had never heard this story before.
"She was angry…at me. She called…me a…coward," he stopped and laughed at this. He looked away from me and stared at the ceiling. I felt heavy tears slide down my own cheeks.
"She said…if I loved her…I would elope. So…I lied. I told her…I had fallen in love…with someone else…and she never…forgave me," he said.
"Granddad, I never knew," I whispered and again that off sounding laugh came from him.
"That's because…I never told you…eventually I came…to love your grandmother…very much," he said and turned so he was looking at me again. I offered a soft smile.
"But I know…now. Why I wasn't…strong enough to…marry the women…I loved first. It's because it was…never my destiny…not my fate. It's yours," he said and a smile over took his face. He was giving me consent.
He was telling me it was okay. The tears poured down heavily and I smiled because that was more than I could ever ask for. I hugged him and felt my chest shake with a sob.
"You can't leave me," I whispered and heard his laugh.
"That's…not up…to me…anymore," he said with sad eyes. I shook my head because it wasn't true.
A knock at the door stopped me from protesting. Charlie poked his head in.
"Can I have a moment, Bells?" he asked. I glanced at Granddad once more. I placed a kiss on his cheek and stood up and left the room. I didn't want to let go of his hand, but I had to.
. . .
Two hours later the doctors informed us that he had passed away. I had never felt more broken than I did then. Suddenly nothing seemed real. My dad had broken down and my mother was there to comfort him.
I didn't stay in the waiting room. I ran out and barely heard my mother call out to me. I made it to the cafeteria where I knew he was waiting for me.
I ran to him and cried. He held me and he didn't speak a word. I needed that. I just needed to cry and let it out and he knew, because he was my destiny, like Granddad had said. He slowly rubbed my back and kissed my head and I wasn't sure how long we had sat like this. Just me and him. My tears eventually dried and still he held me silently.
It felt nice to be in his arms. To know I was protected and to know I was loved. I felt nice to be comforted. I had never experienced this kind of comfort before. I didn't want to move from this spot. I didn't want to pull away from him.
But time could not, however much I wanted it too, be kept still. I could not live in this moment anymore than I could live in the moment where he had first kissed me, or when he took me to the meadow.
Time caught up with us, and with it brought trouble.
"Bella," my father's voice was tired, but I could hear the anger behind it. I pulled my face away from Edward's chest and stared at him.
"We're leaving," he said and I could see his face slowly changing color. He was dying to start a scene, but he wouldn't. Why? I wasn't exactly sure, but I didn't want to push it. I stood from Edward's lap.
He held my hand and stared at me with anxious eyes.
Everything was out now. We either made it or we didn't. I didn't want to believe it was so black and white but it was.
I smiled to try and comfort him and slowly dragged my hand out of his. My father grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me from him. I turned back one last time to see him bury his head in his hands. But I was out and heading home before I knew it.
Charlie didn't speak to me in the car. He didn't even look at me and the tension was incredibly thick. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My mother tried to lighten it with music, but it only made it worse.
I had Alice's consent. I had Rose's and Granddad's but I realized it all meant nothing. Rose and Alice were as powerless as I was and Granddad was gone. The thought sent a pang of hurt to my heart.
When we arrived at my house Charlie still didn't speak. It wasn't until we entered the house and he had closed the door behind him did he look at me and say the words that broke my heart.
"We're going home, Bella."
. . .
Wow…that was a tough chapter. I had a lot to say in this one, but the next one is the actual chapter that had me wanting to write this story. So it's been planned since I wrote the first chapter. I'll be working on that one during the week and I'm hoping to post it next Saturday.
So anyway review please!
T-Tanya