"Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories they're haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye. Even with fist held high, never would have worked out right. We were never meant for do or die. I didn't want us to burn out; I didn't come here to hurt you."
-Kelly Clarkson
"We are home," I stated. This was my home now.
"Charlie now isn't the—"
"No, we're going back to Arizona," Charlie said his eyes heating as he ignored my mother's plea.
"I don't want to go back!"
"That's not up to you," he said and walked pass me into the kitchen. My mother sent me apologetic eyes and followed after him. I was stunned for about five seconds before I marched into the kitchen.
"I like it here!"
"Oh and why is that? So you can fool around with that Cullen boy?" he said and his voice rose.
"Dad, you don't know anything about that. Ok yes I admit I like it here because of him, but I like being with Rose and Jasper. It's nice to be around my family and dammit had we come earlier maybe we would have had more time with Granddad!" I shouted.
"I took you away from all of this for your own good! Do you think I liked leaving my father? Huh Bella? I didn't and it killed me to do it, but I did because I wanted something better for you. Looks like it all goes down the drain anyway because I couldn't keep you away could I?"
"Keep me away from what! Do you even know them?" I pleaded. He looked as though I had slapped him.
"The hell I don't and I don't plan to. They've done things you couldn't even imagine!"
"Really? Have they? They haven't done anything to me. Nothing. What I've grown to hate is a name, dad. A name! I don't hate Edward the person," I said and hot tears began to fill in my eyes.
"Well you should! They're no good!"
"How would you know? You don't know anything! He's sweet and he wants to be a doctor. He gets straight A's and he loves his family but he was willing to risk it for me! Because he loves me!"
"Love?" my mother asked speaking for the first time. She was leaning against the counter.
"Yeah, love. I love him and he loves me," I told her.
"You don't know what it is. You're only 17," he shouted.
"And I'm not a child. I'm old enough to know what it is and I'm old enough to see past your hatred! You should be happy for me!"
"Happy? How in God's green earth is this supposed to make me happy, Bella?"
"Because I'm happy. I'm happy. He makes me happy and you should want that for me. You should want me to be happy," I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. I wasn't sure if it was from anger or from sadness.
"Oh Bella," my mother whispered and came to wrap her arm around my shoulders. I shook her off because it made me look like a child. They needed to see I wasn't one. I could make my own choices.
"We do want you to be happy, baby. But this boy doesn't love you. You don't love him either. You love the rebellion. The…excitement of the relationship," she said soothingly. I pulled away from her. She couldn't do this. She had always been on my side, she couldn't take his.
"NO! We love each other. You don't think he's wanted to introduce me to his mother? Don't you think I wish we could go to the local diner and just be happy together? He wants to walk me to my classes and take me on dates, but he can't. We can't do any of it because you won't let us!" I shouted at both of them because they didn't listen.
They would never listen. But it couldn't end like this. I couldn't give up without at least trying to make them see it my way. I had to try.
"Why should we? The Cullens are bad people, Bella!" Charlie yelled.
"Are they? Esme donates to about fifty charities, Carlisle's a doctor. They sound like the worst people in the world. Their son wanting to be a doctor and doing his best to get good grades is atrocious. Their daughter working at a shelter is appalling," I said bitterly and Charlie glared at me.
"We leave in two weeks. You are not to see him again!" Charlie said in a serious calm manner and my chest felt tight.
"You can't do that! How could you ask that from me?" I cried.
"Give me your phone Bella," he said calmly and held out his hand. This fight couldn't be over.
"That's it? You're not even going to hear me out?" I tried desperately.
"There's nothing to hear. It's closed. We're leaving," he said and shook his hand waiting for me to hand his phone.
"No! I'm not going," I shouted.
"You have no choice, now give me your phone," he said and I gaped.
"Why are you doing this? Why do you hate them for things that have been done in the past? You can't get over it even for me?" I whispered hurt and the words were choked out my throat. I saw Charlie's eyes soften for a moment.
"There are things you don't know Bella. I'm doing this to protect you. You're young and you don't understand right now, but you'll see this is for the best," he said. I shook my head and felt the tears trickle off my chin. I reached for my phone and placed it in his hand.
This was giving up, but there was nothing I could do.
"Say what you want to make you feel better, but I'll always know you chose this stupid hatred over me," I spat and ran out the kitchen.
I ran to my bedroom and locked the door. I didn't cry though I wanted too. I just lay in the bed and stared. I stared at nothing and thought over everything.
I heard shouts from downstairs and knew they were arguing. Every once and a while against my wishes a tear would escape, but I found it was better if you didn't think about it. So I didn't. I blocked everything out.
I blocked out my grandfather's death. I blocked out Edward.
I felt lost and hopeless and confused.
The knob on my door turned. I turned on my side and a light knocking came.
"Can I come in Bella?" Renee whispered. I didn't answer. Let her think I was sleeping.
"Bella!" she said sharper now and tapped on the door once more. The knob rustled a bit and then I heard a click. I sighed and closed my eyes. Renee had always been good at picking locks.
The door opened.
"I know you're not sleeping," she said and closed the door behind her. I didn't answer. She walked over to my bed and sat on the side. I could feel the mattress sink with her weight. Still I did not turn.
"He's trying to do what's best," she whispered in the dark.
"Breaking my heart isn't what's best for me," I whispered. I hadn't wanted to answer her, but Renee has always been able to get anything out of me.
"You really love him?" she asked and began to pet my hair, like she did when I was younger with a belly ache.
"Yes," I choked and the tears came. A flood of them. And then more because I was angry that I had cried. But they were here now and they weren't going to stop. She lay in the bed and pulled me to her.
I was angry, but I needed someone right now and she was the only one here so I let her and cried into her chest.
"I know it's hard, baby. But you move on."
"I don't want to. I love him, Mom. I love him more than anything," I whispered through sobs. I felt her kiss my head.
"We're you with him last night?" she asked and I nodded.
"Granddad knew. He told me it was ok to be with him and now Dad won't even listen," I said and felt myself shake harder because Granddad was gone. He wouldn't be back and he couldn't fix this. He was the only one that could make Charlie listen and he wasn't here.
"Baby, I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be perfect. That your father will listen and we could put this all behind us and live in a perfect world, but it doesn't work like that. The real world isn't that great. He has scars they have caused that might never be healed. It feels like you chose them over him. Ironic isn't it?" she said with a humorless laugh.
"I didn't Mom. I struggled with this choice. But now I'm losing him and it feels all wrong. I thought if dad knew how much I cared for him…he would see that and get over it, but I was wrong," I whispered and felt the exhaustion of the day creeped over me.
"I thought…I don't know what I thought, but I was almost sure this would not happen; now it seems there was no other outcome. This has always been it," I said and thought back on all the stories of forbidden love.
"Oh, Bella. Get some sleep honey," she whispered and played with my hair. I didn't want to sleep, but my body did.
Soon sleep came and took my problems with it. At least for a little while.
o.0.o
"When was the last time you talked to him?" Rose asked taking a sip of her soda. I didn't hear her words at first. I barely seemed to hear anything at all. Or pay attention.
I folded my shirt and placed it in my box.
"Bella!" Rose shouted and I jumped. I looked up.
"Yeah?" I responded. I looked away again and started to empty another drawer.
"When was the last time you spoke to him?" she asked. I shrugged. I had lost count of time.
"I'm not sure. Dad took my phone away Sunday. I haven't been to school in…" I couldn't count the days. They had seemed to drag on.
"Four days," Rose supplied for me. I raised my brow in shock.
"It's Thursday?" I asked and she nodded.
"Oh," was all I was able to come up with. I didn't want to think about it right now. It felt so much better to shut him out. To shut everything out. The funeral was only a day ago and the burial was yesterday. I'm not sure why I took today off.
Would it matter really? I was moving in a week. I didn't need to catch up on school work anyway. My grades had always been good and I would need to catch up with a whole new school. What was missing two weeks in this tiny small town school anyway?
"Are you planning on coming to school at all this week?" she asked and I shook my head.
Rose had gone to school today and since the funeral had been at five on Tuesday, she had gone that day too.
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'm not up to it. I need to pack anyway," I said.
"What about next week? You still have a week here!"
"I don't think I need to go next week either," I said lamely and tried to distract myself from the conversation with folding the clothes in my drawers as I moved them to the box.
"You're avoiding him." It wasn't a question, but a statement.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I mumbled but my fingers were beginning to shake.
"Don't pull that shit on me! I've seen him Bella. He's a mess. You can't do this. You just can't disappear without letting him know!" she shouted.
"Why not? What does it matter, Rose! I hate him remember! He's a Cullen!" I snapped and glared at her. I stood from the floor. She looked up at me from the bed.
"You don't mean that. You love him and you're too much of a coward to face him head on!" she shouted back. I was shocked.
"Why does this even bother you?"
"Because he'll grow to hate you, Bella and then you're just like them!" she said with fire in her eyes. I was taken back. The tears began to brew once more and I sighed because I had been doing so well in keeping them back. I was tired of crying.
But the tears came anyway.
"What am I supposed to tell him, Rose? I don't know what to do anymore." I cried and buried my head into my hands. I felt hopeless. This struggling to push my feelings back was hopeless. I couldn't pretend I didn't love him. I couldn't pretend I didn't feel any pain.
It didn't do me any good. She sighed. I lifted my head and stared at her. She had taken out a very old worn book from her bag.
"This is Uncle Charles' journal. I found it in the attic and I think you should have it. Maybe there will be some help. I found these too," she said pulled out pictures. She walked over and sat cross legged across from me. She handed me the yellowing pictures.
I knew they were old because they were in black and white. There was only one in color and this one caught my attention.
There was a woman. Her face was long and pale. Long copper colored hair fell down her shoulder in long curls. Big green eyes stared at me with heavily framed eyelashes and her nose was long and straight and she had the reddest lips I had ever seen. She was young too. Around my age probably.
A young man held her by the waist with a large smile on his face. His chin rested on her forehead and her arm came up to tangle into his hair.
He had dark brown hair that looked nearly black and dark eyes. It was Granddad. I flipped the picture over and in a messy scrawl it informed me it was taken on August 26, 1945. Charles H Swan and Elizabeth A Cullen were the people in it. I gasped and the picture fell from my hand.
I looked at Rose.
"They loved each other?" she asked and I meekly nodded. She took the picture and smiled at the couple.
"She looks like Edward don't you think? She was a twin too. Her brother, Edward's grandfather, is a split image of him. Isn't funny how twins seem to run in both our families?" she began to babble some more but I wasn't paying attention.
I flipped through the other pictures in a hurry. There was only one more of them together. The rest were of Granddad and Gram. Except one. It was of Elizabeth and…another man. She was kissing him on the cheek and he smiled brightly. My heart broke. I turned to the journal.
I opened Granddad's journal. The smell of dust and age hit me immediately but behind that I could smell just a bit of him too. The smell of stale tobacco and sweet smelling soap.
I flipped through the pages, immensely glad that he had marked the date on them. I flipped until I reached august. The last date in august had been on the 20th.
The next entry was in September. The 9th.
Lizzie thinks I'm scum. I think she may be right. I feel like scum. Some part of me wants to believe that I did it for the best. She doesn't deserve me. She deserves the world and I can't give her that. But I know why I did it. I did it because I'm a coward. Her brother was right to sucker punch me. I still hate him, but I know I deserved what I got. He won't let me anywhere near Lizzie. I'm not going to fix it. I hear Lyle decided to ask her out already. She's moving on and forgetting me. I keep telling myself it's for the best but I feel like a goddamn fool. I should have left with her. I should have taken her away and married her. Now it's too late.
That was it. That little half page of entry. He wrote only once more. He talked about how he met Gram and was going to ask her on a date. After that the pages were empty. He stopped writing after he dumped her.
Would I be like Granddad? Always hoping I would have done something differently. I would have reacted differently? I couldn't live like that. I closed the book and stood.
"Can I use your phone please?" I begged. She nodded and pulled it out her pocket
Meet me at the library-Bella.
I sent the message to the number I couldn't forget if I tried and tugged on Rose's arm.
"C'mon you're driving me to the Library," I ordered.
"Why?"
"Cause I'm not allowed to use the car or anything else that can get me out of the house, but you could get me out," I said and we were out the house in no time.
She parked in the parking lot and I asked her to stay. She nodded and I made my way into the library. It didn't take long to get to our place. We had spent many hours here after that first meeting. I walked into the secluded bookshelf.
It was empty so I waited.
It only took about three minutes for him to come.
"Bella I was worried," he said and came closer to me. I nodded because I could see in his appearance that his words were true.
He looked as though he hadn't gotten sleep in days. His face was pale and his hair was askew. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to kiss him and rub the pale bruises beneath his eyes, but it would only weaken my resolve. I took a deep breath.
He wrapped a hand around my waist and pulled me into a hug. I didn't resist and suddenly my face was buried in the crook where his neck met his shoulder. It smelled like soap and sun and something sweet. I could never actually place that. I held him tight because I knew I wouldn't get another chance like this.
He held me tight and we didn't talk for a long while. I felt the tears slip out and before I could hold them back he pulled away feeling the dampness on his shirt. He rubbed my tears away.
"What's wrong?" he asked and stared at my face intently. I shook my head and worried my lip as I stepped back and out of his embrace. I missed the heat instantly.
"We need to talk," I said in a whisper. He stiffened.
"I don't think I want to," he said and I took a look at him. His eyes knew what was about to happen.
"Please," I said and he slid to the floor. I followed and leaned my back against the bookshelf. It was quite between us. He didn't look at me, but all I could do was stare at him. I knew I needed to do this. Some part of me didn't actually believe I would go through with it. Every time the thought had crossed my mind before I rarely acted on it. When I did it never actually happened.
This time it would.
"I'm moving. I go back to Arizona this Friday," I said forcing the words to come out. He nodded but didn't speak.
"I know I ignored you this past week, but it's been hard for me. I couldn't see you knowing that. Then granddad's funeral came into it and it just made it worse. I'm a mess. I can't think straight, I haven't eaten real food since Sunday. I don't what to do anymore. I wanted to pretend that what we have…I wanted to pretend that it wasn't real but—"
"How could you say that? I love you, Bella. Why would you ever doubt that?" he asked and his eyes lit in anger.
"I know. I know. I feel the same way, but it's so much easier not to feel. Not to know I was going to miss out on love, but it didn't work. I can't push it back. I can't forget everything that's happened between us. I was going to just leave," I said quietly.
"You weren't even going to say goodbye?" he said and I again could see the fire lit in his eyes.
"No. I felt that if I told you. If I let myself say goodbye, it would become real. Then I really wouldn't know what to do, but I just can't leave like that. I don't want you to hate me. I don't want the beautiful thing we had between us to end in a mess. It doesn't deserve to go out like that."
"It doesn't deserve to end at all!"
"No it doesn't. But it has too. I'm moving, Edward. Alice was right, we can't runaway and pretend everything's going to be okay. I want you to have a wonderful future, even if it means I'm not in it," I said and let the tears come freely. I could taste them as I spoke, but I couldn't stop them
"We can still make it work!" he was refusing to give up.
"How? What are we going to do? I don't want you to wait around for me. I want you to have fun. I need for you to move on. To find someone you can be with and not have to hide. I won't be your only love, you'll find someone else and you'll be…surprised at how easy it'll be to forget me," I choked out the words because they hurt to say.
I didn't want him to forget me, but I needed him too. I stood. He did as well.
"You don't mean any of that," he said. He was right of course, but it was the way it had to be.
"I want you to be happy," I whispered.
"You make me happy," he snapped. I shook my head because he had no idea how much this hurt.
"I won't be here! I can't make you happy anymore. I don't want you to wait around for me," I shouted and then shut my mouth remembering we were in a library.
"You will always make me happy whether you're here or across the world," he said roughly and grasped my chin in his hands. His eyes were filled with desperation. I looked away and felt my body shake with a sob.
"It's better this way, Edward. We knew deep down this wouldn't work. I think we just pretended because the truth was too much to accept. I'm moving and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I don't know when or if I'll ever see you again. I can't live like that. I can't always wait. You can't either," I tried to explain. Again trying to convince myself.
"Don't…do this," he whispered and I knew he had given up the fight. I took a deep breath to steady myself. This was how it had to be.
"I'm sorry," I breathed and he looked up. There was no anger in his eyes. Only hurt.
"This is it?" he asked and I nodded feeling the teardrops fall from my chin. He took a shuddering breath. I cupped his cheek in my hand and he leaned into my touch.
"Don't hate me for this," I said. He smiled for me.
"I could never hate you," he told me and kissed my wrist softly.
We stared at each other then. This was really it. But I had done better than Granddad. Edward and I would always love each other. There would never be hate between us. Maybe someday way into the future we will find each other again. Maybe one day we could be friends. Maybe we could try again, but for now it was over.
This was our goodbye.
This was our end.
He dipped suddenly and caught my lips in his. I didn't fight it. It was soft and his lips formed around mine. It was soft and sweet. I would miss the feel of his lips on mine. His hand slid down the length of my arm to hold my hand.
He pulled away and placed a soft kiss on my cheek.
"Bye," he whispered and hearing the words coming from him broke my heart. I gave a firm nod.
"Bye," I said and began to walk away. Our hands lingered until finally letting go.
Leaving was the hardest thing I had ever done.
. . .
Wow…a lot happened in this chapter. It was hard to write and I wanted to change it so many times, but I can't.
Is it over? No. it's not. I'd say about one or two chapters left. Until next week peoples…
now I'm going to study for my finals.
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-T. Tanya