"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin if I can't help falling in love with you?"
-Elvis Presley
Bella: In my dreams I was sitting alone in a living room. I was curled on the sofa reading a book. The words were blurry and I could not completely understand what I was reading, but it didn't stop me. It was getting dark and I waiting for something or someone. I didn't know exactly except I did only I couldn't remember. That was confusing.
But suddenly out of nowhere a small boy came running into the living room. He had a mess of curly brown hair on his face. He was pale like me and had a huge grin on his face. I knew this boy and as soon as I saw him I smiled. I closed the book and he climbed into my lap.
I nuzzled his neck. He stared at me with bright green eyes and I kissed his cheek lovingly.
Then Edward came into the room. I smiled and let the boy go. He ran to Edward and effortlessly Edward picked him up and tossed him into the air. I laughed as I stared at them. Edward came near me and pecked my cheek.
I turned my head and allowed him to kiss me softly. When he pulled back however it was no longer Edward, but Jacob. I gasped suddenly and stared at the boy. He was no longer the pale boy. His eyes were a deep dark brown and his skin was tan exactly like Jake's.
I awoke in a cold sweat. When I stared at the clock it informed me it was 6:30 in the morning. My heart thudded heavily behind my chest. I didn't move. My room was still completely dark but I knew the sky was lightening. I felt moisture in my eyes but I couldn't explain why.
The dream wasn't necessarily bad. Jacob was going to propose to me after all. Children would be a part of that eventually right? I mean why shouldn't I have had a dream of our future life together? Why should it make me sad?
Edward was the one who shouldn't have been in it. He should be the one I was awakening from in fright and disappointment, right?
I sat up slowly and wiped my cheeks. I hadn't been aware of the tears that had slipped out. Why was this so confusing? I was in love with Jake. I didn't doubt that. He had been nothing but absolutely perfect to me. My parents loved him.
He was everything I was supposed to want in a guy and I had been happy with our relationship.
Then Edward comes and just ruins it all for me. I. And yes I had to admit that it was wonderful seeing him and being around him, but he was still a stranger to me. He was a whole new person.
I picked the phone off the light stand and called him. I leaned against my head bored as I listened to the rings.
"Hello?" he greeted. His voice was gruff.
"Hey." I whispered.
"Bella? Are you alright?" he asked with a bit of panic in his voice. I smiled though I knew he couldn't see.
"I'm fine, I just wanted to talk," I informed.
"Talk? At 4:30 in the morning?" he asked and I thumped my head.
"I'm sorry. I completely forgot about the time difference. It didn't even occur. If you want to get back to sleep I'll get off," I apologized. He chuckled.
"Don't worry about it, baby. I'd have to get up in an hour anyway," Jake joked and I laughed. I slowly sank back into bed and stared at the ceiling.
"I am sorry."
"It's okay. Tell me what's on your thoughts," he said.
"I'm not ready for kids," I blurted.
"Um…okay," he stretched the sentence and I swallowed.
"I just…I'm sorry," because I obviously wasn't right before my daily cup of coffee.
"Is there…was there a reason you brought it up?"
"I had a dream," I admitted.
"Okay. You want to talk about it?" he asked.
"Not really. I mean…I think you look great with kids, but I'm just not ready," I confessed. I could practically see his lazy grin spread across his face.
"Well…um thanks. I'm sure you'll look even better with them. As a matter of fact I know you do, but it's something we'll talk about when you're ready," he said and I smiled.
"Thanks," I said.
"But um just for future reference. Is it something you'd…want to talk about?" he asked nervously.
"Well…yeah I guess. I mean I deal with kids all the time. I like them, but I think maybe it's because I don't deal with them all the time you know," I explained and he laughed.
"No you only have them about eight hours a day for five days of the week," he quipped and I laughed at his teasing.
"Well yeah, but once the year is over they get older and it's up to their parents and other teachers. I just get a new batch and do my best at being their favorite," I joked and I could almost see the smile come over his face again.
"If you're worried about whether or not you'll be a good mom, I know you'll be the best. You're kind and sweet and beautiful. You're perfect," he said and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
"Thanks. I needed to hear that," I said because I needed a reminder why I loved him. I was horrible, I think I had established that already. There was no denying it.
"Anytime. Well I think I'm going to take your offer on the sleep and see what I can get before the alarm goes off. I love you," he said.
"I love you too," I whispered.
"Bye."
"Bye," I said and hung up the phone. I place it back on the night stand and stared at the ceiling.
Sleep came again and this time the dreams were simple.
. . .
"But you could only pick one," I said and took a bite of my ice cream.
"Why?" he asked and plucked the cherry from my Sundae and popped it into his mouth.
"Because they're my rules and I say so," I argued and took the cherry he had on the side of his bowl.
"I was saving that?" he falsely scolded. I shrugged and pulled the stem out of my mouth as I ate the fruit.
"Answer my question," I said and he sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.
"I'd want intelligence," he stated.
"Mmm why?" I said through a mouth full of ice cream.
"Because you could go so much further if you're smart. I could be the next Bill Gates," he said.
"So it wouldn't bother you that you would be horrendously ugly?" I asked and he shook his head.
"Well I'd rather be that, than extremely beautiful and utterly stupid," he said and I laughed.
"What would you chose?"
"I don't know. I'd rather be smart, but things are different for woman. It's our job to be beautiful," I said and sighed heavily. He laughed this time and I blushed sounding a bit vain. But hey I was tired of always being the plain Jane.
"I think you should go for the beauty. Then you'd be beautiful enough for me and I'd be smart enough for you. The perfect pair," he said and shot me one of his half smirks. The one I had labeled as mine so many years ago.
"Why Mr. Cullen are you flirting with me?" I asked playing shocked.
"Of course not Miss Swan, I'm not one for taboo relationships," he teased and ate a spoonful of ice cream. I smiled knowingly at him.
"Oh and why is that?" I asked crossing my legs underneath the table.
"There is simply too much drama," he joked but I knew there was truth behind his statement. Our playful banter stopped and I began to mix the sundae I had ordered around in my bowl.
"We're going to freeze as soon as we go out," he said staring at the bowl that was partially finished.
"But it would be worth it. It's never—"
"Too cold for ice cream. I know, I know," he said and I smiled. We ate in silence for awhile.
I knew I shouldn't have agreed to going out for lunch but my oh so lovely cousin didn't help much when she decided not to stop me and instead encourage me. I knew the more time I spent with Edward; the more I got to know him, the more it was easier to let my guard down.
I was learning more and more about him and I found that I liked this newer older Edward just as much as I liked his younger self.
"So where are you spending Christmas?" I asked about the holiday only four days away.
"With Alice of course. She went to out and bought a real tree. Her house looks lovely," he said and I smiled.
"I bet it would. She always had a lot of energy," I said and looked down at my almost finished sundae.
"God she must hate me," I whispered.
"Why would you think that?"
"Why wouldn't I think that? The way I left things I..."
"You handled it the best you thought possible. I'm not angry at you Bella. I never was," he said and lifted my chin so I was looking into his eyes. They were sincere and I knew he was telling me the truth.
"Okay," I said because I don't think I was ready to have this conversation. I dropped my spoon and bushed my bowl away and then plastered a smile on my face.
"I'm done," I said.
"Yeah, I think I am too," he said and as though she was called the waitress came to our table.
"All finished?" she asked and Edward nodded. She gave us the bill.
"I got it," he said stopping me from reaching for my wallet.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yeah. I invited you out. Next time it's your turn," he teased and shot a smile my way. I smiled back and let him pay.
We stood up and walked out the small ice cream shop.
"So do you need a ride home?" he asked and I stared at me feet.
"Are you offering?"
"Are you taking it?" he shot back and I laughed.
"Okay, sure," I said and he smiled. As we walked to the parking lot I stared at the mounds of snow. Edward had gone on ahead of me, but I had an idea. I picked up a handful of snow and started to pack it. I was glad when it packed easily.
Hoping it wouldn't miss I threw it at Edward's back and laughed when it hit him in the shoulder. He turned quickly and smiled. He was already at the car. He took a handful from the roof and tossed it at me. I ducked my head, but it still got my side. I yelped in fright.
"Hey, that's not nice," I said.
"Well no one told you to throw one at me," he joked.
"I just simply had too. The temptation was far too great," I said and he packed another snowball.
"Oh?"
He tossed it at me but I ran to the side of the lot. It missed, but my foot caught onto something and I tripped into the mountain of snow. I sat there for a while trying to calm my laughter.
Edward came near me.
"I see you're as klutzy as ever," he stated. I stuck my tongue out at him.
"C'mon I'll help you up," he said offered me his hand.
I took it, but as he started to pull me up, I realized we were both standing in ice. My legs began to wobble and I clung to him.
"Whoa," I gasped as we held me up. My feet were anything but steady.
"I think we're on ice," he said staring down at the snow covered parking lot.
"Thank you captain obvious," I said and tried to steady my feet. Only this time one of my legs came in-between his making his feet wobble. I steadied myself only for him to slip and grab onto me.
I laughed loudly.
"I fail to see the amusement," he grumbled which made me laugh harder.
"Now who's clumsy," I said holding tight to his frame as he regained his height and looked down on me.
"Everyone's clumsy on ice," he told me and I raised an eyebrow.
"Whatever you say. Are you steady?" I asked so I could release him, though I kind of liked our position.
"Yeah, I'm okay, you?" he asked because he was holding me just as tightly. I nodded. I pulled away from him too quickly and my footing was lost. He grabbed onto me again, but I was too far from saving. He slipped backward and brought me on top of him.
The laughter was immediate.
"Are you okay?" he asked between hard breaths.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said and stared down at him because I was lying on top of him on a mountain of snow in a parking lot.
"This never would have happened had you been able to resist temptation," he whispered.
"Temptation," I breathed forgetting our topic and slowly tracing my eyes down every part of his face. I stopped at his lips. I wanted to kiss him.
"Yeah," he agreed.
Get up, Bella! Get up! Get up! Get up! I told myself. Instead I seemed to ignore my rational side and lean in just a bit closer. Our breathing picked up. Man, did I really want to kiss him.
A phone rang loudly stopping us from whatever was about to transpire. I scrambled off of him quickly and he stood. He had white flurries of snow on his bright red hair. He reached into his pocket and picked up his phone.
"Hello?" he answered and cleared his throat. Slowly I stood and stepped away from the ice. When I knew I was safe I walked toward his car. He followed a few moments after. The car beeped twice and I opened it. I waited for him inside his car.
It wasn't his silver Volvo. But I was surprised how it smelled just like it. Like leather and mint and him. I relaxed in the chair and clicked my seat belt as I waited for him.
The driver side door opened a moment later and he sat. He placed his phone in his pocket and started the car. He sat back and let the car warm up.
"Who was it?" I asked causally. I realized after I said it that it made me seem nosy. I was simply just use to asking who had called that I didn't think anything of it.
"Alice. She wanted to know when I was coming home," he asked.
"You stay with her?" I asked not knowing this.
"Well it's only temporary of course. If I get the internship I'll begin to look for an apartment. But if I don't its back to Forks," he sighed and rubbed his neck.
"You don't want to go back?" I questioned.
"Not really. I mean I'm pretty much set there though. Carlisle being their best doctor and everything, but I really want to get out that town. I mean returning after my schooling was…I don't know, disappointing," he said and I listened because I knew what he meant. There were few reasons why I enjoyed Forks. Ross and Jazz being one and him being the other.
"What are you…like what kind of doctor are you studying to be?" I asked not really sure how to phrase the question. He laughed at me but answered.
"Pediatrician. I like kids," he joked and I smiled.
"Even if their nose picking first graders?" I joked.
"Of course. They're my favorite," he said and I laughed.
"So…where too?" he asked and I ranted Rose's address.
It was silent for awhile. I stared out the window.
"So Alice wanted me to ask if you wanted to come over tomorrow. For dinner," he asked nervously and ran a hand through his hair.
"Really?" I asked. He nodded.
Wow. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to go, but I knew this was a bad idea. I had already let myself slip today. Being with Edward was so simple and easy but we couldn't return to what we were. Who we were no matter how badly I wish we could.
I had messed that up a long time ago. I had to accept that, but spending time with him like this was not helping.
"Um…yeah ok," I said despite the fact that a huge part of me was telling me to do the exact opposite. The smile that lit his face however quickly shut that part up. I smiled in return.
"She really wants to see you again. She's really not angry at you," he said and I gave a shrug.
"I really want to see her again too," I said and he beamed.
We drove chatting about unimportant things. How I liked my job. New restaurants that have popped up. I told him a bit more about Rosie and about a book I was reading.
I didn't even notice when we started to pull into Rosie's street.
"So which one?" he asked as the car slowed to a crawl.
"The second to last," I said pointing to the end of the block. He sped the car up and then stopped in front of the apartment.
"Well thanks for the ride," I said and he smiled.
"I forgot how fun it was being with you," he said and I blushed heavily. I placed my hand on the door knob, but I felt reluctant to leave. It was like that feeling when you knew you had to tell someone something but couldn't remember what.
"Me too. But I guess I'll see you tomorrow. What time?" I asked as I opened the door.
"Does four sound good to you?" he asked and I nodded.
"Yeah, that's perfect. Well bye," I said and opened the door.
"Bye," he replied and I slid out the car. He waited until I walked into the building. I climbed the first flight of stairs quickly and walked into the house. Rose looked up when I entered.
"Hey how was lunch?" she asked and I smiled.
"It was great," I said and she stared at me. I walked past her to the window. The car was still out there. I waved to him and he drove off.
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I shall say goodnight till it be morrow…
"What?" Rose asked and I spun quickly.
"Huh?
"What did you say?" she said and I realized I had quoted the line out loud. I blushed heavily and shook my head.
"Talking to myself," I muttered and began to take off my jacket.
"3 hours is a pretty long lunch date," she said flipping the page of her magazine.
"Seriously?" I asked. I looked at my wrist.
It was 3. Edward had picked me up at 12. Wow.
"I didn't realize I'm sorry," I said finally pulling out of my coat and placing it in the closet. She shrugged.
"It's fine," she said but her face told another story.
"I'm going to go shower. Try to warm myself up," I said and she nodded. I had done nothing wrong so I didn't know what she was trying to push guilt on me.
We were just friends after all.
. . .
"What time is he coming?" she asked flopping down on top of her bed.
"Four," I mumbled as I twirled part of my hair and held it back with a small barrette. I combed through my hair quickly and fluffed it.
"How long are you staying?"
"Not long, I don't think. It's just dinner," I said and she sighed.
"You're falling for him," she said I spun on her. I rolled my eyes.
"Don't be stupid. I'm doing what you told me. We're reconnecting," I said and turned to sit on the bed with her.
"Okay Bella. Say what you want, I know what I see," she said and laid back.
I rolled my eyes and walked out toward the kitchen. My phone rang and I rushed to get it.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Hey. What's new?" Jake asked on the other line. I laughed a bit in shock.
"Hey I wasn't expecting hearing from you."
"Sorry. I was just wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me," he asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well Rose has a webcam and I wanted to see you. I guess it would be dinner for you, but a meal is a meal right." I could hear the smile in his voice.
"That's sounds really great," I said.
"But…"
"Huh?"
"Well that sentenced sounded like you were going to add a but," he explained. I should cancel with Edward and tell Jake that I would have lunch or dinner or whatever with him, but… I didn't want to cancel.
"It's just…that I have plans with Rose," I lied and felt the heat on my cheeks. Thank god he couldn't see.
"Oh…well maybe tomorrow," he said defeated. I felt guilty.
"Yes I promise. I really want to see you too, but we were going out and I just…I feel bad canceling on her," I lied and surprised myself on how easy it came out. I bit my lip.
"Well okay. I understand. I have you all year anyway. I would feel bad taking you away from your cousin," he said and I smiled. I loved that about him. He was always understanding.
The doorbell rang and I knew who was there.
"Thanks. I have to go now," I said.
"Okay. I love you."
"Me too. Bye."
"Bye." He hung up and I shut my phone. I stared at it. What in the world was I doing?
The door bell rang again.
"You going to get that?" Rose asked from behind me and I jumped.
"Shit Rose! How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough to know that we have plans to go out to eat," she smirked evilly and I flicked her off.
"Oh whatever! I can't tell him I'm going with Edward," I said and reached for my jacket.
"Why not? I thought you guys we're just friends?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
"We are," I said and slid an arm in my jacket.
"So why can't you tell him?" she asked as I walked near the intercom.
"I'll be right down," I informed him and let go of the button while putting my other arm through.
"Because he'll over think it and probably tell Charlie and that would start unnecessary trouble," I informed her. I pulled my hair out of the coat and zipped up.
"Right…" she said dragging the word out.
"If he calls again will you cover for me?" I asked.
"Sure I mean we wouldn't want to start unnecessary problems," she said and walked over to the sofa.
"You're impossible," I grunted and swung the door open.
"Don't I know it!" she said and I closed the door on her. I rested against the door for a moment taking a deep breath and clearing my head. I was allowed to reconnect with a friend. Even if he was an ex. And my first love. And still incredibly handsome.
I was okay to do this. I could do this.
I climbed down the stairs and was surprised when I found him waiting at the bottom. I jumped a bit but smiled.
"I thought you would go back to the car," I informed him as he opened the door. I walked out and he followed behind me.
"That would be rude."
"I wouldn't have cared."
"I would. You look lovely by the way," he said as we approached the car and again he opened the door.
I slid in.
"You haven't even seen my outfit," I quipped.
"It doesn't matter. You always look lovely," he said and I blushed heavily. He closed the door and went around to his side.
"I missed your blush," he said and started the car. He pulled out of his parking space and began to drive.
"I remember you told me it bothered you," I said with a laugh.
"That was before I never saw it again," he blurted and a silence came between us. This was the first awkward silence that had settled between us since I had seen him on the curb. Heat rushed to my cheeks making my ear burn. I didn't know how to respond. An immediate guilt came over me, along with a bit of indignation and sorrow.
He cleared his throat and shot a smile making me forget everything and evaporating the tension.
"So I hope you're ready. Alice hasn't changed since you last saw her," he teased and I laughed.
Alice I was ready for.
What was happening between us?
Not so much.
. . .
You know what sucks? Mosquito bites.
You know what sucks worse? Mosquito bites in places you can't reach. Like your back.
Know what makes it bearable? Reviews!
Okay so I admit. I lied. I said we would figure out what Edward was talking about…but I had a problem. It got like super long. So long in fact that I was able to split it and come up with 2 chapters. :) So the good news is that it is partially finished.
Now I surprised my reviewers with a sneak peek last chapter and I might do it again, but I'm not promising anything. I'm sorry I couldn't publish this earlier, but things got in the way and I was actually very lucky my main computer decided to work today or else it would have been a late update! :O
If I don't publish the next chapter early and if my computer decides to stop malfunctioning expect an update on Saturday. June 12, 2010.
Review!
T-Tanya