Chapter Five – Not Quite Home

The place was just as he remembered leaving it; the lawn was overgrown and the privet needed trimming, the large bay windows looked dirty, but the white paintwork seemed intact and hadn't yet begun to flake or discolour, the brickwork still seemed fairly clean although it was damp from the rain that had come on earlier. The path up to the house was dusty and strewn with pieces of twigs and grass. His key slipped into the lock of the double white doors easily; he noted the dirt that had gathered on the edges of the panels and reminded himself to one day come down and clean it up.

I should have just sold this place on, he thought as he slipped inside quietly. The light sifted in through the dirty windows into the large living room area; the scarce furniture there was protected with large clear plastic covers; the walls still looked almost freshly painted although he noted that now there were a few cobwebs up in the corners up by the ceiling. He moved into the narrow kitchen and glanced in; he couldn't remember how it had looked before...he'd paid for the back wall to be tiled and new cabinets to be installed just after he'd bought the house. The job had been done but he'd never inspected it. He stepped in and ran his hand along the black granite countertop, it was cold and slightly dusty; there was still a trace of sawdust on it from the installation of the above cabinets. The tall subzero fridge had been put into place but there was a plastic cover on that too, and it wasn't plugged in. The stove was in the same condition.

He left the kitchen and began up the stairway, the wooden stairs creaked a little under his weight. He moved along the narrow upstairs hall; the bathroom door was open and he noticed the window in there was open; the blinds were swaying gently in the wind.

Someone had been here, that was for sure.

He turned and pushed the master bedroom door open.

There, upon the kingsized bed, Rogue sat folded legged; her back against the headrest, her face grim. She didn't even raise her eyes to his when he stepped into the room. She just stared into space.

She spoke first, her voice soft but sad. "I knew you'd come as soon as you could once you heard what happened..."

He hovered in the door, watching her. She looked so thin and tired, so pale, reminding him of the girl she had been so very long ago. She shifted slightly, her body making a strange sound on the plastic covering the mattress of the brand new bed that had sat unused for eight months.

"I didn't know where else to go," she said quietly, she turned to look at the mirrored closet on the wall to her left, the mirrors were slightly filmy.

"You've been here all this time?" he asked as he stepped inside.

"I flew around for hours...not knowing what to do or where to go. Then I remembered this place...it was still empty...so I let myself in through the attic window," she sighed.

He looked around the room; he'd forgotten how it looked. "This...was gonna be our home...when we got married...not quite home now, is it?" he made a face.

Rogue pulled her knees up to her chest and let her chin rest upon them, "I thought about going back home but...I couldn't..." she closed her eyes. "I couldn't face anyone..."

"It wasn't your fault..." he said softly.

"You weren't even there," she replied quickly.

"I know what Jessie told me," he sat at the very end of the bed. "She's not really the lying type. I knew just by the guilty look in those eyes of her she wasn't lyin' to me..." he turned to look at Rogue. "And...I know you so very well...you wouldn't have reached to grab her arm like that if she hadn't taken that risk..."

Rogue looked away from him, "I've been dreading something like this happening..." she admitted. "People get hurt all the time around me...in and out of the field. But...I've been dreading the day that one day...it would be one of the kids. What's worse...I was so scared that eventually it was going to be Jessie. And it did."

"Chere...your powers are so...unavoidable. You're incredibly strong...touching you can be lethal. Yet...in all the years you've been with the X-Men...in all the years you've been training the students...there are very few instances of you accidentally hurting anyone..."

"That's not the point!" she exclaimed, she stood up. "In my mind I keep going over the thing again and gain; I can't get the sound of her screaming out of my head...I can still hear the snap of bone! I can still see the tears streaming down her face! And it was my fault. I should have taken precautions! I should have kept her away from me! I should have never let her in!"

He looked up at her, "but you did let her in. And then you ran. What were you thinking?"

Rogue looked at him, her eyes glassy, "the same thing you did when you took off seven years ago, Remy. It wasn't a thought, it was panic."

He stood slowly and stepped towards her, "that's different."

"No...it's not. I could have accidentally killed her."

"But you didn't."

"What about next time, Remy?"

"Who's to say there will be a next time?" he demanded.

"You're right...there won't be. I can't go back there knowing what I did. I can't just take up where I left off with my students in the Danger Room with them all knowing what happened. I can't take the risk of being around kids anymore. They're too fragile..."

"So...that's it...you're going to throw your life away...your home...your career, your missions with the X-Men...because of a freak accident?"

"It wasn't just a freak accident...it was a freak accident with a little girl...your daughter."

He stared at her. Somehow, he hadn't expected her to know yet...he was unsure how she could have found out...unless someone had told her. "Who...told you?" he asked grimly.

"You did," she answered carefully, "when you thought you were dying...you told me in French."

He rubbed the back of his neck, "shit."

"Yeah," Rogue moved to the window and looked outside.

"It wasn't like I went out of my way to not tell you," he admitted. "I just didn't know how to go about it," he moved over. "What a conversation that would have been...out of the blue...Jessie is my kid..."

Rogue edged away from him, "Which is why I don't understand how you can be so...so calm about all of this...I hurt your daughter...probably the only child you will ever have in your life...and you're standing there so...so chilled as if this kind of thing happens every day...how can be so blasé about the whole thing?"

"Because Jessie is fine! Yes her arm is broken – yes I'm...pissed...that she's in a cast for a couple of months but I'd rather have a daughter with a broken arm than a daughter in a permanent coma," he frowned.

Rogue refused to meet his eye.

"Y'know how I found out about how this happened?" he asked gently, "I eavesdropped on a conversation Hank had with someone on the phone. I had to hear over the phone that my daughter had broken a limb...and you...you had just taken off...like a flash...no one could find you..." he sat upon the bed again, folded his arms and let them rest on his knees. "I flew for hours...stole one of Excaliburs new planes...took the risk...I knew it hadn't been properly tested out yet. Even without knowin' the whole story...in my gut I knew that this had to have been an accident. I knew you'd never hurt anyone you cared for..."

She considered these words for several moments, then came to sit beside him. "But I did...I made a very bad choice and hurt her. I could have rolled away, or...taken some other action."

"You did what you thought you had to, chere...it wasn't ideal, but...you did what you had to protect Jessie..." he offered. "How can I ask of you anything more than that? I knew when I left here that I was leaving Jessie in capable hands. Hands she was completely safe in. My opinion hasn't changed..."

Rogue turned to look at him, tears trickled down her cheeks.

"Jessie is my only living blood relative," he said softly. "And I put her in your hands...you...the most powerful woman I know...because I knew in my heart I couldn't trust anyone more..." he reached out to brush her hair from her cheek, being careful to not let his skin caress hers. "And I would do it again. And again. If I died tomorrow...you would be the person I would want to be there for Jessie in my place."

She tried clumsily to wipe her tears on her gloved hand. "What about Kitty...and Jean."

"You," he reconfirmed, he put his hands on her shoulders and shook her, "and only you."

Rogue pulled away, "but I can't be a mother," she stood up and walked towards the window again, she let her hands rest upon the sill and stared outside into space.

"That's fine, chere, 'cause honestly...things I've done...right now, I'm not really fit to be a proper father...and Jessie will never be able to know who I am, she's far too young to understand. All I can do is just be there...that's all I can ask of you too."

Rogue turned to look at him; her chest swelled with a deep breath and she exhaled slowly. "Okay..." she said softly. "I'm ready...to go home now."