A/N: this whole one shot was inspired (somehow) by the My Chemical Romance song: Ghost Of You. I'm not sure how great i did at the characters.. but i gave it a shot. I wrote this a long time ago, but i just now was cleaning out all my old documents and found it. No matter how good it is- i loved it. it's one of my favorite things i've ever written... haha. anyway, at the end of the story i sort of made it open to another pairing although i hadn't meant to... i might try that later. anyway, for now, here this is. PLEASE PLEASE review. I would like to know how others think i did. :) thanks!
A Year Later.
-APCS.
It hadn't seemed like time had gone by so quick... But here she was standing on a familiar grave. One she wished she'd never have to see again. But this was the second time.
One year had passed since he'd died, the love of her life.
Riza smiled sadly at how cheesy it sounded. "love of her life" But it was true.
The familiar footsteps of her comrade sounded behind her and she turned to see Jean Havoc holding a small bouquet of flowers in his hands. Neither of them spoke as he set the flowers next to hers.
The silence continued until finally the anxious question came from Lt. Havoc. "Have you been doing alright...?" He asked slowly. 'Stupid question.' He thought to himself. 'Look at her... she's a mess.'
Riza looked at him and the tears filled her eyes.
Havoc began to apologize but she cut him off. "I didn't protect him, Jean..." She mumbled shaking her head. "I didn't... and... i-it's my fault..." She bit her bottom lip and stared intently at the grave of her superior. She refused to cry now, not a year later.
"Hawkeye don't-"
"I need to go..." She murmured pushing past him and almost running back to her car.
Never had Havoc seen her in such a state, holding back tears and mumbling incoherently. It was so unlike that strong woman he'd admired- although he wouldn't tell her that. Even a year ago when she'd first heard the news. She'd been professional about it. Depressed, sure. But weren't they all? When he'd arrived here today, that's what he'd been expecting.
The moment he walked up behind her he knew something was wrong.
She was hunched over, shoulders shaking a little like she was about to cry. Her hair was down and she wasn't in her uniform.
And that look in her eyes when he'd spoke... It wasn't the Riza Hawkeye he was used to. It scared him a little.
She didn't look confident or proud. She looked...
Havoc shook his head, not being able to find the right word to describe that face.
Even over the past twelve months she hadn't looked like that. Maybe she'd been good at hiding it? He wasn't sure.
All he knew is that he felt the odd need to comfort her.
Because despite what she thought... It was not her fault Roy Mustang was dead.
Riza took a deep breath, but no air entered her lungs. Instead she heard herself choking- sobbing now.
'My fault... my fault. My fault. My fault...' she repeated to herself over and over.
How had a year gone by so quickly? How... was it possible? How in the hell could her life have actually moved on without him by her side?
She leaned her head against the steering wheel and continued to sob.
Time should have stopped when he was gone. The moment his heart stopped, hers should have too. At first, time had went by slowly, everyday without him was too long. And somewhere along the way, her time decided to speed up and catch up with the rest of the world.
And then it was a year.
' Why? Why wasn't I there? I should have been there!' She screamed it to herself, over and over again, making sure she felt every ounce of guilt possible.
Because it was her. It was her fault she was dead. She'd sworn to protect him... and she'd failed.
'What good am I?'
Havoc waited. She'd come back, and when she did, he'd be there. He'd tell her what happened.
But would she believe him?
There was no guarantee. She seemed like she was stuck blaming herself.
But how would he say it? There was no way to tell her that Roy Mustang had willingly done it to himself. He'd known it'd end in failure. He had to. He was logical, but logic hadn't really made a difference in his decision.
'He wanted to protect us, Riza.' Havoc thought guiltily lighting up a cigarette.
"... And we let him do it..."
About an hour later, Riza came back down the hill. He heard her mumbling something about "a year... a year..."
She stopped in front of Mustang's grave and fell onto her knees. "You weren't supposed to die...!" She screamed, her voice muffled by her biting onto her fist.
Havoc hesitated when he approached her. Surely she wouldn't want him to see her like this... and he sure as hell didn't want to see this. He was afraid he's have nightmares...
~ "Riza..." Havoc whispered, his eyes red and bloodshot.
"Lt. Havoc?" Riza asked not bothering to cover up the shock on her face. What could he possibly be doing at her apartment at three in the morning?
"I wanted to be the one to tell you..." He began. "Mustang... He..."
Riza raised her eyebrow. "What about Roy?" She asked seriously. "What happened?" She demanded. When he didn't answer her panic overflowed. "Havoc!"
"He..." Havoc shook his head.
"..." Realization dawned on Riza. "Havoc..." She whispered. "What... happened..."
It was no longer a question.
"Roy's... Roy didn't make it..."
She shook her head, trying to comprehend what she'd just heard. "What?"
"Roy's dead..."
Her eyes widened. "No." She said quickly. "There's got to be some sort of mistake. He can't be... he's not..." She shook her head again.
"I saw it, Riza... He's gone... I'm sorry..." Havoc was the one shaking his head now.
"It's a mistake." She said finally.
"No."
No. "Roy's dead...?" She choked out, her face blank.
He nodded, not wanted to say the words again.
She didn't say anything for a moment, just stared at the ground blankly. "Thank you... Lt. Havoc..." She mumbled in monotone opening her door for him to step out. He walked out and she closed the door slowly. Leaning against the door, she let out a small cry of shock and horror, then cupped her hand over her mouth tightly while she sobbed. Her other hand dug into the wooden floor until her fingers began to bleed...~
"I... I..." Riza couldn't find the right words to say.
"Hawkeye...?" Havoc asked quietly.
Riza tried composing herself as much as she could but was unsuccessful and said nothing.
"It's not your fault."
She let out a dark laugh, one that made Havoc stop in his tracks and reconsider walking up to her. Then she laughed again, more hysterically than before and finally he heard her soft sobs.
It dawned on Havoc then. There had been more to the Colonel and Hawkeye than they had let on. Of course, everyone had suspected it. But his suspicions weren't confirmed until this moment. Riza Hawkeye hadn't only sworn to protect her superior... but her lover as well...
"It's mine."
She looked over at him, tears still falling from her eyes. But she didn't care anymore. She was tired of pretending she was okay. Now a confused looked covered the pained one, which Havoc preferred.
"I... was in trouble. We all were." He said, referring to the rest of their close military comrades. "And it was all of us... or him." Havoc's voice grew quiet and his guilt grew higher as he continued. "He volunteered really, we told him he was more important... I mean, he was the Flame Alchemist..." Both him and Riza winced at the past tense. "They said they were going to kill us... all of us unless he gave himself up. They said they'd let us go... if they could have him. And he..." Havoc shook his head at the memory. Looking back, it hadn't made sense really. There had been no guarantee they'd live if he died in their place.
"They?" Riza asked quietly.
"Homunculi..." He replied slowly.
Why was he willing to risk it?
"They needed a way to get rid of him." Riza said in a disgusted tone. "And you fell right into their trap!" Her face was a mixture of shock, horror, and disgust. She looked liked she was going to be sick.
Havoc opened his mouth to deny it, but realized with another jolt of guilt that it was true. He said nothing.
"Why would he do it?" She demanded, anger in her voice now. "Roy wouldn't-" She shook her head frantically. She stood and walked toward Havoc, threatening him a little bit. She searched for the right words to say, to make him feel guilty, and when she found none she simply slapped him across the face. "I..." She, once again, had no words to explain what was racing through her mind. 'I never got to tell him...' She thought, tears coming back into her eyes. She grabbed his shirt collar and dug her face into it, crying again.
Embarrassed, Havoc gently put his arms around her.
It was then that Riza realized it wouldn't have mattered if Jean Havoc had showed up that night and told her the truth. It didn't change anything. It might have eased his guilt a little, and she knew it wasn't her fault. But that didn't change the fact that she'd failed to protect him. That she hadn't been there to fight against him in protest. To tell him how insanely stupid he was. Roy was still dead, she was still alone, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She sank back to her knees, and Havoc crouched down a little bit to meet her gaze.
"Riza..." He said with a small sigh. "He asked me to tell you something..."
This had been eating away at him for hours now. Roy's last few words, and he'd entrusted them to Havoc for Riza.
Surprise flashed across her face, but quickly went back to it's original pained look.
"He said to say... 'I'm sorry.'"
Riza smiled ruefully. But it disappeared quickly as her gaze drifted back to his grave stone.
Roy Mustang.
"I never did get to tell you..." She whispered to the stone.
Havoc's curiosity got the best of him. "What's that?" He asked.
She looked at him and with a sad smile she said, "That I loved him."