Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl or "Happy Endings;" all characters and initial concepts/structures belong to their respective owners.

A/N: I'm cranking these out really quickly, but I got inspired yesterday while watching House (I don't understand the connection either). This is actually an old oneshot I wrote, but I edited the ending to fit with the theme better. I actually wrote the next part, but I'm at least going to make you guys wait until tonight. Also, thank you for all the lovely reviews! You guys rock 3 I shall end the lovefest here before it gets any gooier.

E.

"Bass..."

"Should I be worried?"

"What? I'm just saying hi!"

"You have that look in your eyes. The one that means you're up to something."

"No, I don't. That's ridiculous. I just came to say hi to my good friend Chuck."

"What do you want?"

"My mother's soirée is tomorrow night."

"Oh?"

"... And I need a date."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Where's Nathaniel? Don't boyfriends usually do these kinds of things? I wouldn't know, I only dated you for a week."

"And whose fault is that, Bass?"

"You avoided my question."

"You're avoiding mine."

"Touché."

"Thank you."

"Answer my question."

"Nate and I broke up, Chuck. Like three weeks ago."

"Oh."

"There's that monosyllabic expression of sympathy that I can always rely on."

"Who dumped who?"

"You want the gory details? Fine. I dumped him. Wasn't working out."

"It's because he bores you."

"Thanks for the brilliant insight, Dr. Freud. Now, are you coming or not?"

"You know how much I adore giving you insight, B. And yes, I'll go."

"How is it that you can make everything sound inappropriate?"

"It's just part of the alluring Chuck Bass charm."

"Alluring? You mean repulsive. I'll see you at eight tonight. Wear a red bowtie!"

CBCBCBCBCBCB

"Oh my God."

"Oh my God, what?"

"What are you wearing?"

"An Eleanor Waldorf Original, of course."

"Let me rephrase that. What aren't you wearing?"

"A bra? I know, it's kind of revolutionary that a girl wouldn't wear a bra with an open back dress."

"Turn around."

"..."

"Can you not growl like that? It's creepy."

"It's a growl of appreciation, Waldorf."

"Oh, what's that? You like this dress?"

"Shall we go down the Chuck Bass dress checklist?"

"Ugh, no, spare me."

"Thought so."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"This is awkward."

"Is it? I hadn't noticed."

"That's because you're too busy leering at my breasts."

"You asked for it. By the way, is that a thong I see sticking out of the back of your dress?"

"That's impossible."

"Why is that impossible?"

"..."

"Why is that impossible?"

"Oh, look, there's Cyrus! I should go hug him!"

"Blair! Why?"

"Cyrus, just the person I wanted to see! How about giving me one of your famous forty five minute long hugs?"

CBCBCBCBCBCB

"Did you really just do that?"

"Push you into a bathroom?"

"No, I meant dance for my mother in nothing but your bowtie. Of course I meant push me into a bathroom."

"Oh, Waldorf, if you wanted me to dance in nothing but my bowtie for you, all you had to do was ask."

"Ask? Why would I need to ask? I already have it on tape."

"... What?"

"Oh, you don't remember that? Your blackouts are just so convenient."

"You have a video of me dancing, drunk and naked?"

"Yes."

"..."

"Stop smirking like that."

"..."

"Why are you smirking like that?"

"Is that how you get yourself off? Watching the video of me dancing naked?"

"Change of subject! Why did you push me in here?"

"Way to smoothly transition. I would have never noticed that subtle diversion!"

"Your sarcasm is so appreciated. Now answer my question."

"You answer mine."

"Don't make me kick you. These are very pointy heels."

"Geez, fine. I figured out why it'd be impossible for there to be a thong. You're not wearing underwear, are you?"

"Maybe, maybe not. That's kind of a personal question, don't you think?"

"Answer me directly or I'll take action."

"I don't believe you."

"..."

"Get your hand out of my dress, Bass!"

"Holy shit. You're really not wearing underwear!"

"You're Chuck Bass. Aren't you supposed to be used to this kind of thing?"

"Yes, I'm Chuck Bass… but you're Blair Waldorf. Does Mommy Dearest know you're going commando underneath that orgasmic dress of hers?"

"... I thought I told you to get your hand out of my dress."

"Anyone ever tell you you have quite the delicious ass?"

"Bass, hand, now!"

"Fine, fine, you're such a killjoy."

"And you're an inappropriate sleaze. Thanks for the information, Captain Obvious. Now, are you going to let me out of here?"

"Not until you answer some questions for me."

"How many?"

"Twenty."

"One."

"Twenty."

"Three."

"Twenty."

"Seven."

"Twenty."

"Do you not know how haggling works?"

"Twenty."

"Ugh. Fine. Twenty."

"Who doesn't know how to haggle now?"

"That was your first question."

"Hey, hey, I am the official judge of the questions. Stop infringing on my position."

"Just get to the point."

"Why are you wearing that dress?"

"… Because it's pretty? And that's one."

"Again, you are not the official judge of the questions. So, no, that was a half, because I obviously didn't get the kind answer I was looking for. Why are you wearing such a, dare I say it, improper dress?"

"Again, because it's pretty."

"No, because if you had asked any other boy to come with you, you'd be wearing a disgustingly prude dress. You're wearing this dress because I'm your date, and you needed something that would… seduce me."

"Wow, you're delusional. Why would I want to seduce you?"

"When is it going to get through that pretty little head of yours that I'm the one asking the questions here? But, you bring up a good point. Why would you want to seduce me, Blair?"

"I don't know, Chuck, why don't you tell me the contrived reason your oxygen deprived brain has come up with? And I say that it's oxygen deprived because I'm not sure what else could cause this sudden bout of insanity other than your pre-existing madness. Of course, I already knew of your pre-existing madness and this clearly is a new symptom, so to speak, so I conclude that you must be suffering from the likes of oxygen deprivation."

"You lost me."

"Whatever."

"You're seducing me because you want me back."

"Ha!"

"Don't deny it, Princess."

"God, your ego just grows by the second, doesn't it? We're done, Chuck. You need to understand that."

"We will never be done, Waldorf. I keep telling you that we're inevitable, because we are, and you just continuously fail to comprehend that because your mother has brainwashed you."

"Inevitable doesn't exist, Bass."

"Yes it does. We're living proof. You have to believe me."

"Why?"

"Do you have to believe me?"

"Yeah."

"Because I have no purpose if we're not inevitable, B."

"You have purpose."

"No, I don't! Without you, I'll just get old and inherit Bass Industries and be just like Bart. And I can't be. I have to do something different. You make me different. You're my purpose."

"… I don't know what to say to that."

"I've rendered the mighty Blair Waldorf speechless? … No way. I'm not Nate, I don't fall for this bullshit. You set me up."

"Set you up?"

"You're a little conniving bitch, Waldorf, tucking your hair behind you ear like that. Flirtatiously."

"It was in my face!"

"You're a great actress, you know that?"

"I'm not acting!"

"Bullshit. You asked me to be your date so that you could wear that get up without underwear and drive me so nuts that I had to drag you to the bathroom and do some kind of sick social experiment."

"And your point is?"

"You're such a conniving bitch."

"I take that as a compliment."

"I meant it as one. It was a brilliant plan. Bravo."

"Thank you, thank you."

"Shall we go announce to your mother that you're stuck with me forever?"

"Only if you do it while holding my hand."

"Gladly."

Everything continues as in A.