I sit, forty feet off the ground on a wide bough, swinging my legs and looking out over the rich, dark canopy of the forest. I don't really remember being scared of heights when I was alive, but this newfound love of sitting in the tops of trees comes solely from Edward.
I've lost track of how long I've been up here when I feel movement and smell Jasper climbing swiftly up from below, slipping silently onto a branch slightly above and to my left.
"You shouldn't feel bad at how hard it is, you know." He plucks a twig idly, twirling it slowly between his long, pale fingers. "I've been at this for over fifty years, and I still find it excruciating some days. You succeeded where I've so often failed."
"It's not that," I sigh, bringing one foot up to my perch, wrapping my arms around my leg and leaning my temple against my knee. "I mean, not killing her was the hardest thing I have ever done, don't get me wrong."
Jasper nods in sympathy. I wonder if he fed as much as I did on the way here.
"It's just...It made me realize what he went through to be near me. The impossibility of it seems...overwhelming." This is the first time I've mentioned Edward to Jasper. His face clouds a little, and his thoughts seem far away all of a sudden.
"And I just don't understand, having been through that, why he would leave. Why now?"
Jasper lets out a long sigh, and runs a hand through his hair. He is quiet for a long time, the only sounds around us are from the wind in the branches and the wildlife on the ground.
"I don't pretend to understand my brother, and I don't know why he ran."
I nod softly without looking up at him. I know this. If Alice or Jasper had reasons, if they could reassure me at all, I know they would.
"What I do know," Jasper murmurs, reaching out a hand and placing it comfortingly on my shoulder, "is that he would never have wanted this for you."
A lump rises in my throat. I shake off Jasper's hand and tuck myself more tightly into a ball, tracing my fingers along the seam of my sweater, counting my breaths. Trying not to cry out in pain.
Jasper looks perplexed, and I feel an involuntary peace spread through my clenched limbs.
"Don't do that," I growl.
"Then hear me out!" he snaps back. My eyes widen in surprise. Jasper never snaps. "Seriously, Bella. You've been an emotional wreck for a year, and I've felt every minute of it. Don't begrudge me trying to help occasionally." His voice sounds strained. I apologize immediately, and hope that he can feel the guilt rolling off me now.
"I'm not here to make excuses for Edward," he continues, finally, "but I can tell you a little bit about the way his mind works. When I say he wouldn't have wanted this for you, I don't mean for a second that he wouldn't have wanted you."
"It amounts to the same thing, though, doesn't it?" There's a full moon overhead, enough light to illuminate Jasper's features. His eyebrows are drawn together in concentration.
"Not exactly. You see, Edward and Carlisle have spent the better part of a century arguing over the finer points of particular aspects of theology." This confuses me. Edward told me a little of Carlisle's story, and I can see how the whole religion thing would be important to him, but to Edward?
"They argue about God?"
"More specifically, they argue about vampires. What we are, what our essential nature is. Mostly, they spend an almost ludicrous amount of time debating whether we have souls."
"Souls?" I stare at Jasper in disbelief. This is definitely not the conversation I expected to be having with the scent of that little girl still flaming in the back of my throat.
"Carlisle believes that we are no different to humans, that we are all God's creatures, in some way or another. Edward believes we are monsters, damned to hell regardless of how we live our lives."
"That's crazy. None of you are monsters."
Jasper shrugs noncommittally. "It's a pretty arcane argument, and I'm paraphrasing. My point is, that's what Edward genuinely believes. And if he had the opportunity to prevent you from being damned, well, that's what he would have wanted."
I chuckle skeptically. "Whatever, Jasper. It's all completely academic, isn't it? James took that choice away from both of us. And regardless of Edward's views on eternal hell and damnation, the fact remains: he isn't here. That's all that really matters."
Jasper looks at me strangely, as if he's about to say something more, as if I have missed the point. But before I can ask, he flicks the twig away into the dark, reaching behind himself to push up off the trunk of the tree into a crouch.
"You did really well today, Bella," he says, patting my knee softly, and then slipping down and out of sight.