(Sorry if these dedications bore you. You can skip them if you want)

To my first reviewer, Wolfy, (WolfButler), Thanks for the encouragement,

Honorable mention to The Only Weirdo, who is bringing me to my senses, (I'll be sure to screw her up a little more. I have a "Mary-Sue" issue, it seems)

And to RealitySwitcher and Nosuchthingashappilyeverafter who seem to like it, along with The One Called Demetra who is assisting The Only Weirdo in constructive criticism.

Btw, anyone who would like to beta for me, I'd love that. Thanks for the reviews!

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The thing about neuro-beams is that they're ridiculously loud and quite painful to the person being beamed. Often times, they'll scream, (even if they're heavily sedated on my toxic mix of what mama calls "super K-O juice") which only adds to the noise. Needless to say, with the full beaming process going on for about ten minutes, I left within the first minute to save myself a major headache and a lot of Tylenol.

I shut the door to my back-room lab and slump against it, thankful for the fact that mama's antics caused me to sound-proof it so I could work late without alerting her. It made it a hell of a lot easier to forget that one of the most brilliant young minds the world had ever seen was beyond my door, screaming bloody murder. I rub my eyes with the heels of my palms and peel myself away from the door. I glance back at the chrome finish of my door once more and stride to the kitchen, hoping mama has made something decent today.

"Mama!" I shout, just as I come through the entryway leading to the kitchen, "What's for din-"

I start my question hungrily, but leave it hanging in the air when I see that mama isn't in the kitchen at all. Instead, the mysterious River is sitting at the table, nibbling on toast and reading an old newspaper I was going to use to line the cage where I keep my pet/labrats.

"What's shakin', eggs and bacon?" River asks, throwing her silver-tipped hair over her shoulder, not bothering to look up from her paper. River always knew when someone entered the room, even when she was asleep. But then, I'd also been yelling for mama, so there was an excuse for my lack of stealth.

"Oh, nothing," I mutter, a little disappointed that the ever-so-amazing enchantress is back in the flesh this time. "I'm testing my level seven containment chamber on my first prisoner right now, but I left 'cause he was screaming like a little girl."

River snorts and gazes over her paper to meet my eyes. She squints skeptically and swallows a mouthful of toast.

"Who have you managed to capture that you can test your beam-y thing on? Barney? Mickey Mouse? Really, Sofie. You're fourteen. The only person that would willingly submit to be your guinea pig is some rapist off the street." River takes another bite of her toast and smacks loudly this time as she chews because she lives to piss me off.

I lift my chin a little and stick out my chest bravely as I return her smirk and proudly answer:

"Artemis Fowl Jr."

River chokes a bit on her toast and blinks at me wide-eyed. After she finishes coughing, she spits her toast into a napkin and guffaws so loudly I think for a split second that my neuro-beam is malfunctioning. River bangs the manicured fist on the little round table and takes in a huge, gasping breath.

"You captured Artemis Fowl? As in, the Artemis Fowl? What have you been smoking lately?"

River throws her head back and laughs again, this time so that tears stream down her face, ignoring her perfect mascara-job.

"Lemme guess, you asked him if he wanted to buy some girl-scout cookies and cried until he agreed to go to the car with you where you had Lefty punch the living daylights out of him? Or did you pretend you lost your puppy? And what of his bodyguard? Did you hurl him into outer-space when he tried to get in the way?"

She wipes at her eyes with a tissue and finishes two things: laughing and insulting me.

"You couldn't have captured him if he walked in here and sat down on your little nerd chair in your freak-room. You're just a kid." I frown, close my eyes and rub my face with my hand. I take a deep breath, lean against the counter and grab a knife from the sink. As best as I can, I hurl it at River and close my eyes, hoping it's hit its mark in the wall behind her head. I open my eyes wearily and see that she's caught it, the blade embedded up to its hilt in her half-eaten toast.

"You can't even throw a decent knife," she growls, and tosses her toast down on her plate, "How do you expect me to believe you got past Artemis's brute of a bodyguard?" My shoulders fall a little and I sit down at the table opposite her. I bow my head submissively and scratch my nose. I sniff loudly and look back up at her gleaming, evil face.

"Well, I did okay. I hid in the bushes at the estate and sedated him and his bodyguard when Rico hit the lights. Then I dragged Artemis to the car and we drove off. It was simple, really." River looked at me skeptically again and leaned her chin on one of her perfect little hands.

"Is that so?" Was all she said, her eyes filled with laughter. She and I kept one another's gaze and didn't speak for a long time. Finally, her expression changed and her eyebrows rocketed to her hairline.

"How did you get rid of Butler? He was unconcious, wasn't he? A big man like that passed out on the ground would've really roused some attention. Tell me, o superior one, how you managed to take care of that little detail." She's sure she's got me cornered now--I can see it in her gleaming hazel eyes--but I breathe easily and weave my fingers into my hair nonchalantly when I respond.

"Oh, but he was never left lying on the ground. Once I had him out, I made sure he didn't hit the ground too loudly and dragged him to a closet."

River's perfect brows came together in the middle of her perfect forehead. She tapped her perfect nails on the table and hit me with another evil gaze.

"You caught a giant six-foot-something, three-hundred something pound man before he could hit the ground and dragged him to a closet? And then you scooped up a seventeen year old boy like a baby and carried him out to Lefty?" She shook her head and creased her brow again. "I don't believe you."

"Well it wasn't exactly easy!" I protest, rising to my feet this time. "And besides. I'm not stupid. I'm barely fourteen! I used my portero ray to carry him to the closet and to heave Artemis over my shoulder. It's not like I lifted them over my head."

"Uh-huh," River murmured, still not convinced, "And I suppose you expect me to believe that you caught his bodyguard with the portero ray too? Don't make me laugh. Even you wouldn't have thought of that until afterwards. You're on steriods again, aren't you?" She launched herself across the table and grabbed my arm. Her fingers traced the tell-tale punctures and she grinned like the Joker.

"Please don't tell mama! She'll kill me! I just did it so I could have a bit of an advantage for this case! Please, River!" I know my pleas are mostly in vain, but if I could I would get River to forget about this until she had somewhere better to be. River never stayed at the base camp for long.

"Alright." She says, surprising me. I top struggling against her hands.

"What?" I say, entirely confused. Did I just hear her right?

"I won't tell her. But on two conditions. The first one: You stop taking the steroids. I'm the only chick in the division allowed to be freakishly strong." Of course, I think. River is so painfully conceited. I swallow emptily before I ask her about her second demand. Her expression lightens, then grows scheming.

"I want in."