A/N: I am getting a lot of questions asking if Edward is ever making an appearance. Fear not, darling readers. He definitely is, just not yet!

x-X-x-X-x

Alice loves Christmas.

The house looks like Santa's grotto threw up in it. An eight-foot Douglas fir in the entrance way is sagging under the weight of hundreds of baubles and miles of tinsel. Mistletoe adorns every doorway, as if the couples in this house need any excuse. Every single room contains advent calendars, Christmas stockings, twinkling lights and wreaths.

I think seriously about buying a lock for my bedroom door, but so far Alice has managed to respect my boundaries.

Esme convinces me to go shopping with her, somehow sensing that I'm still uncomfortable with the idea of spending the Cullens' money on their own presents, but have no real alternative. At least Esme is sensible with her gift-giving. Alice seems to have packed every closet in the house with packages, complete with angry little notes taped to the outside threatening us with all means of bodily harm if we peek. Even the notes have Christmas angels on them.

She's so excited about Rosalie and Emmett returning from Europe that if it weren't for her largely indestructible physique I would worry that she might burst something. So she frightens the crap out of me one evening by dropping the Le Creuset she's been helping me wash and dry. It smashes with a resounding crack on the floor. Alice looks devastated. All I can think is Edward. Something must have happened to Edward.

Emmett is the one who breaks the news. He phones from Dublin. Carlisle takes the call in his study, and I can only hear his side of the conversation, which seems to be deliberately forced, his words too carefully chosen.

Alice is desperately trying to smile, but it doesn't reach her eyes.

"It's okay," she says, and I think she's trying to convince herself more than me. "I mean, they don't always come home for Christmas, and I'm sure they're having an amazing time in Ireland. Europe is incredible, Bella. You're going to love it when you go."

Alice is sitting on the floor, surrounded by a maelstrom of wrapping paper and ribbons. She's wearing little holly-shaped earrings. Alice loves Christmas. There is no way Rosalie and Emmett would do this to her.

Then it hits me.

There is exactly one reason why Rosalie would do this, and that reason is me. I can hear Rosalie's voice snarling all those months ago as we prepared to flee James. "Why should I? What is she to me except a menace?" It is like a punch to the gut. I sit down abruptly, not sure I can continue to stand.

Alice is still reasoning with herself. "I mean, I'm sure they'll be home by New Year, and we can have presents then...Maybe we can have two Christmases. Do you think Carlisle will let me have a new tree? This one may have wilted by then..."

All this time, and I have been blaming Edward for driving a wedge into this extraordinary family. How stupid I've been. It's not Edward that's ruined everything. He's gone because of me. Rosalie and Emmett are gone because of me. The Cullens are a broken family, and I'm the cause.

It will be difficult, I realize. I'll need to keep changing plans as fast as I can so that Alice doesn't see what I'm thinking of doing. I can only hope that her ruined Christmas will distract her a little so that she won't be paying as much attention to me.

I ride it out through our muted celebrations. Alice does her very best to inject some life into the holiday, but no one is buying. A small stack of unopened presents remain under the tree. Eventually Jasper scoops her up and carries her upstairs to their room. I hope that he can help.

I wait until the 27th, and then I visit Carlisle in his study. He's working on a medical journal article about blood poisoning, and he clicks his laptop shut when I slide into the chair opposite him. The room is decorated in dark wood, with hunter green walls and a roaring fire. I smile slightly at the cliche of Carlisle the Patriarch. He's wearing the dark blue sweater I bought him for Christmas, and I almost lose my nerve.

"What is it, Bella?"

I know I only have a few moments before this decision will dawn on Alice, and she will come hurtling back from whatever sale she is currently pillaging.

"I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am to you and Esme."

He waves a hand dismissively as if my words are completely unnecessary. "Bella, ..."

"No, wait. Let me get this out. You, all of you, have given me so much. You've given me the best possible start on an entirely new life. But I feel like...maybe just for a short while...I need to try living that life on my own."

Carlisle's forehead creases in concern.

"There's nothing wrong!" I rush to reassure him. "I love it here. I love the four of you more than I could ever express. You've created a family for me in a way that I never thought I'd get to experience. I just...I need to stretch my wings a little bit."

He nods slowly, and gets up, coming around to my side of the desk and leaning against it.

"Where will you go?"

"I've given this a little bit of thought, but tried not to fix my plans so that Alice couldn't see them. I wanted to talk to you first. I think, New York City. Alice has seen me there, and I've never been. It sort of seems like the right place to try and find yourself." I grin at him, hoping that he's buying this 'teenager wanting to explore the big wide world' routine I am attempting.

"Bella, you're a Cullen now, whether you take the name or not." He hands me a small black velvet case. "I was going to give you this for Christmas, but it wasn't ready in time." I prise the case open, and nestled on the black cloth inside is a silver locket, engraved with the family crest. I draw in a ragged breath. I have no words for the emotions sweeping over me.

Carlisle reaches for the necklace. "May I?"

I nod once, still unsure of my voice.

He takes the ends of the silver chain and I lift my hair out of the way so he can fasten it.

I click open the locket, but find it empty.

Carlisle smiles apologetically. "Esme wanted to put pictures of Charlie and Renee in there, but I'll confess I talked her out of it. I think you should choose for yourself what you carry close to your heart."

Suddenly I'm absurdly grateful for this patient, sensitive man, and throw my arms around his neck. He hugs me warmly.

"Thank you, Carlisle. It's beautiful."

"It's my pleasure. Now, I have one more thing to give you, and I want you to hear me out before you say no." I sink back in my chair as he walks around to the other side of his desk, pulling open one of the drawers and extracting a thick, cream envelope. He passes it across to me.

"These are the details of your access to our bank accounts, some identification, credit cards..."

My hand draws quickly back from the envelope as if burned.

"Carlisle, there's no way..."

"Let me finish, Bella. I know you are a strong, independent young woman, and that you want to make your own way in this world. I have no doubt that you are capable. But passing for human takes time, patience and practice. It will be a while before you'll be able to hold down a job, probably longer before you become an accomplished liar."

I look out the window of the study at the snow-covered trees. The season will turn, there will be sunshine on the way. I think about unexplained absences from work or school, the need to travel to hunt. Maybe I can claim I have some sort of rare disease.

"Physically, you're still a newborn. Your progress has been remarkable, but I saw the dent in the garage door. You're still making mistakes."

I turn back to Carlisle with a guilty expression. I was too lazy to walk back inside to press the button yesterday, so I just shoved the metal roller door. A little too forcefully, as it turned out. I meant to bang out the dent when he was out, but I forgot.

"And you still get so easily distracted."

This was definitely true. Alice finally threw a book at my head last week, in exasperation. "Just finish one, Bella!" she cried. "You leave them open all over the house. Just pick one and finish it!"

I slump in my seat, feeling more and more like a resentful teenager.

"Bella, money is largely meaningless to us. But to you, it's a form of protection. While you don't have to work, you can keep yourself safe. And over time, you'll develop the skills you have to have to blend in. You won't always need us, though it goes without saying that we will always be here."

I pick up the envelope, running a finger along the stiff edge.

"Only I will see the statements, Bella," he says, in answer to my unspoken question. "No one else will know where you are."

I nod, and get to my feet, stuffing the envelope in the back pocket of my jeans, and embracing Carlisle tightly. "I love you so much, " I sob into his shoulder, because 'thank you' seems wholly inadequate.

The front door slams ferociously and Alice barrels into the room.

She would have tears in her eyes if that were possible. I know that. I know that I am breaking her silent heart.

"I am so sorry," I say pulling her close and holding her tightly to me. "I love you so much. You're my sister. That's never going to change."

Alice is gasping a little, making small hiccoughing sounds.

"But I have to go. I need to be on my own for a while. I need to get my head sorted out. You and Jasper, you need some time too. You've been babysitters long enough. Take a holiday," I try for a wry smile, "Get some sun."

Alice just shakes her head, and I gently pry her arms from around my waist and pass her to Carlisle. He gives me look which is somewhere between understanding and regret. "You know if you don't come back, we'll come find you." The way he says it, it feels like an embrace.

The long shadows of twilight stretch across the lawn as I head toward the treeline to stretch my legs before the desolation overwhelms me.