Alright, time for the Disclaimer. Uh, neither my evil-twin-sister nor I own Naruto or the Akatsuki, cuz if we did than I'm sure she would be "getting wood" from Sasori while I, being the innocent maiden I am, would be experiencing religion with Hidan! (Oh, sweet Jashin!)
This file, and all others, was originally discovered by my twin sister, Carly, with some small help from myself (I lent her aid thru our twinapathic link). I merely edited it and posted it here since she doesn't have a fanfiction user.
Tobi sits at the Akatsuki breakfast table, eating a bowl of his favorite cereal, Admiral Crunch. As he sits there, chowing down, of all the people to come and interrupt him, Kakuzu walks into the room and sees him eating.
"What are you eating, Tobi, and why are there three empty bowls beside you?"
Tobi looks up from his breakfast, his mask sliding back to hide his face, and says cheerfully, "I'm after the prize at the bottom!" He flips the box around to show the image there.
Tobi shakes the box happily, saying, "Tobi can't wait for the bottom!"
Kakuzu stares at the box skeptically now, curious, and reaches out for it. "Hmm... a free prize? Well..... Tobi, can I have some?"
Tobi snatches the box away, tucking it under his arm. "No! It's Tobi's! You just want the prize at the bottom!"
"Damn straight, I do! I wanna know it's street value! Give it over!" Kakuzu makes a jump for the special "unofficial" Akatsuki member, missing by a mile. As he skids across the kitchen floor, rolling over to glare menacingly at the spiraled mask, he shouts, "Hidan! There's a Jashin-related prize in Tobi's cereal!"
In moments, the Jashinist is there, tackling Tobi and trying to rip the box from his hands. "Give it over! I want the prize for Jashin!"
"No! It's mine!" Tobi jerks and throws Hidan across the room, sending him crashing into Itachi as the Uchiha walks into the kitchen to get him some coffee.
Itachi shoves Hidan away, looking at his mug of coffee he'd just gotten, now shattered on the floor. "That... was... my... last... MUG!!! You damn idiot!" And so, a fight ensues, Itachi wiping the floor with Hidan.
At the sounds of his partner yells, Kisame soon enters the kitchen to see Itachi on Hidan's back, dragging a knife slowly across the Jashinists throat, his legs kicking as his arms flail helplessly. "Itachi? What's goin' on?" He yawns and hastily catches the severed head thrown to him. "Ick!" He drops the bloody mass and kicks it through the kitchen window, and the sounds of Hidan's bitching travel out to the garden as he complains of glass now in his eyelids and nose. "That was nasty. Not before breakfast, Itachi. Itachi?" Kisame looks to the Uchiha and sees him looming over Tobi, who is back to eating his cereal, huddled in a corner. "Oh, not this again... Itachi, he's just an idiot-"
"You threw that rug-stain at me! I can only take your stupidity so long before you really piss me off!"
Kakuzu sees an opportunity and takes it, saying, "You know, Itachi, he did it 'cause Hidan just wanted a bowl of cereal, that just so happens to have... the secret location to the Missing Uchiha written inside!"
Both Itachi and Tobi say in a WTF way, "What?"
"You're lying!" Itachi accuses.
"You're an idiot," Tobi adds, sounding like he's talking to a real idiot about something common knowledge.
Kakuzu glares at Tobi, but now Itachi is looking at the box rather skeptically, musing lightly under his breath, "The Missing Uchiha... could it be that easy?
Kakuzu hears him and smirks behind his mask, saying with a nod, "Yes, Itachi. Get that box and bring it here, I'll show you."
"No!" Tobi hisses with a snap, pulling away. "It's mi- gah! Damn you!" Tobi growls as Pein snatches the box away.
"What the hell is going on in here? What is this, 1, 2, 3- 4 grown men and one boy in a mans body fighting over what? A box of cereal? For what? What is the meaning of it all?"
"They're after me Lucky Charms!" Tobi whimpers, getting a big WTF look from Pein.
"They're after what?!" His voice breaks at the end, his mind trying to get around what he'd said. Lucky... charms- whoa, they're after his what!? Tobi nods furiously, reaching childishly for the box, his fingers wiggling until Pein brings the box closer, and in his reach, then he snatches it, snarls at the others in the room, then rushes out.
It takes everyone a moment of gawking before Hidan says from the window ((having just brought body and head back together)), "What the fuck was that? Tobi or his fuckin' evil twin brother? I thought they fought in the womb and Tobi got fucked up 'cause of it, not devoured his brother and his evil-ness!" -((Only twins may use these twin euphemisms, or whatever the hell they are.))- "Holy fuck, that was awesome!!"
"That was unusual," Sasori nods from the other doorway, a piece of sandpaper in one hand and something else in the other.
Pein nods, saying as he looks to Sasori, "Yes, that was- are you holding your dick?!"
Sasori blinks then looks down at his hand, then gasps and looks back up with a sickened face. "Hell no, you sick bastard!" He lifts it up to show a small doll body in the making, the arms and legs still not attacked, leaving the badly shaped head and torso, which are in the process of being defined. "I think you spend too much time with Konan when she's going through her nymphomaniac phases."
"Well, if I don't do it, who will?"
"I will!" Deidara pops out from somewhere, just in time to be hit with a glass bottle ((thrown by Hidan)). The blond falls to the ground, his eyes swirling, blood slowly pooling beneath his head from the cut in his temple.
Hidan blinks, and slowly starts to lower himself out of the windowsile before he gets in trouble. "Ooh, fuck!" he says low, crouching down and slinking off.
"Sempai!" Tobi appears from nowhere, the cereal box beneath his arm, a bowl of Admiral Crunch in his hand. He lowers to his haunches and nudges Deidara with the tip of his foot. "Sempai, you ok?" he asks in a sing-song voice.
Kakuzu takes instant notice of Tobi's sudden appearance, and grins behind his mask. 'He's such an idiot, worry over that fag instead of that treasure! It's mine!' Kakuzu lunges a split second too late as Tobi rises. Kakuzu misses the box by inches, cursing as he flies from the room to crash into something.
Tobi looks up at the noise, going, "Oh dear!" before returning to his sempai. "Sempai, Tobi will take care of you, just lemme finish my cereol. Tobi wants the mystery prize at the bottom."
"Mystery prize?" Sasori lifts a fine eyebrow to consider Tobi thoughtfully. "What prize?"
"Dontcha know nothing?" Tobi lifts the box and smacks the back, right over the announcement of the prize. "It's gonna be awesome! Tobi's after it, been eating cereal all morning!"
"Hmm... hnph, I don't eat cereal." Sasori shrugs and heads back to his room, jerking his hand ((holding the doll-in-the-making)) away from Pein as he passes, giving him a disgusted glare as he heads off.
Pein gaps after him, saying, "How could I know, Sasori? You come apart! It could've been anything! Sasori!" He follows him, trying to convince him as he walks.
Tobi watches until they disappear before grabbing Deidara's foot and looking to Kisame, who is sitting at the table with Itachi, both drinking coffee. "Kisame-sempai, can you help Tobi drag Deidara-sempai's body to his room."
"Or Zetsu's room," Itachi chuckles, looking into his mug. "Zetsu could always use the extra protein."
Tobi gasps, spinning to Itachi. "No! Not Sempai! He's too gritty and doesn't have enough meat, he's just chewy."
Kisame and Itachi stare at Tobi with OMJ ((oh my Jashin, for you heathens)) faces. "Wha? Tobi?"
"What? Tobi bit Deidara-sempai once 'cause he wasn't being nice, he was hurting Tobi. Tobi had wanted to be on top but he wouldn't let me! Said I didn't know what to do, that I wouldn't know how to handle him. Tobi's ass hurt alot after that, and Deidara-sempai wouldn't let Tobi have a turn at it, even though he promised to let Tobi be on top the next time!" Tobi sounds like he sniffles as he turns away. "Sempai is so mean to Tobi sometimes, but Tobi can't just let him be fed to Zetsu. Tobi wants to be ontop, make Deidara-sempai's ass hurt just as bad as Tobi's did that time!" Tobi turns back to say something else, then stops. "What?" He asks, looking at their aghast expressions. "What did Tobi say?"
"What... the... hell!!? What did Deidara do to you, Tobi? We know he's closer to the hetrophobic side than Konan, but..." Itachi shakes his head, looking sick.
"We thought better of Deidara than that... I mean, damn, I never thought he'd rape you, Tobi."
"Rape... Tobi? Eh? No, Tobi's not that way, and -I don't think- Sempai is, either. He wouldn't let Tobi ride on top of his clay bird, instead making Tobi hang from the feet. Deidara-sempai promised that he'd switch with Tobi, but he never did!"
"Oooh!" They nod with sighs of relief.
"Thought I would need to lock my door at night for a moment there," Itachi says with a sigh. "Of course he'd come for me, I'm too irrestistable, no matter who is on the prowl!"
Kisame's brow rises slowly as he says, "Riiiight, well, Itachi, I think it's time to get you to your room. I don't think it's natural for you to want stalkers, of any sex, male or female."
As they go off, leaving Deidara's limp form to Tobi, the lovable schizophrenic plant of Akatsuki enters, and promptly notices Deidara's limp figure. "Eh?" He blinks, taken aback. "What happened to Deidara?" "His boyfriend stop putting out and the news floored him?"
"No, that's not it," Tobi sighs. "Hidan hit him with a bottle."
Zetsu turns on his heel and starts for another room. "I'll go pay him a visit, he knows better than to pick on the less fortunate." "Or handicaped." Zetsu chuckles over his own pun as he disappears once more, leaving Tobi alone in the large Akatsuki kitchen.
"Well," Tobi grabs Deidara's leg again and starts to drag him to his -Deidara's- room. "If you weren't so painfully needed for your exploding clay," Tobi muses low, his voice deep and threatening, "then I would kill you here and now, instead of doing what I am about to do."
All the while Tobi grumbles, Kakuzu watches carefully, his eyes on the box still under Tobi's arm. "The moment of truth," Kakuzu readies himself, then jumps, snatching the box, just to have it snatched promptly back as a sharp pain goes up Kakuzu's legs as Tobi breaks his knee caps. "Gah! What the hell?!"
Tobi lets out a low hiss and takes the box back. "Asshole! Leave Tobi's prize alone!"
"Why?? You haven't done much to deserve it!"
"I put up with you, Deidara, Hidan, Pein, and everyone else! I think I deserve it after putting up with all of your shit each day!" Tobi pulls back just as Kakuzu grabs the other end of the cereal box. "Leggo!"
"I'd rather die!"
"That can be arranged!"
As they pull together, in opposite directions, what happens? The box rips, cereal flies, and between them lands a small packet of something. The two shinobi look at each other, both anticipating the others movements, and before Kakuzu can even react, Tobi has the prize in hand and is giggling like a school... err, boy?
And the prize in the box? Well, it is a.... nutcracker.
Stay tuned for more Top Secret case files from the Akatsuki arcives. If you want to see what the nutcracker looked like, go here (http:// nocturnal-devil. deviantart. com /art/ The-NutCracker- 41358641) just take out the spaces.