This is the re-edited version of Chapter two which Lokeygirl helped with. I did another round of editing again to smooth out the corners, but as I'm not a too detailed person, there might still be some mistakes left. Do let me know if you guys spot any. Thanks! : )
It's Never Over
Part II
The piano recital of Somewhere in Time played softly from the stereo, the aching wistfulness of the melody heralding the disheartening scene that would soon erupt in the living room. Two figures were entwined on the sofa wrapped in a bubble of intimacy, their features soft and tender as they absorbed each others' presence. The man with jet-black hair and crimson eyes sat upright gazing at the person lying on his lap, fingering the fine golden hair splayed across his jean clad thighs. In his mind, the history of their brotherhood played once more, as if wanting to weaken the resolve on the decision he has made. How could he hurt another who had loved him so unconditionally for the whole of his life?
He remembered his brother's innocent fawning on the state of his health when he had contracted chicken pox at ten years old, the elation they both felt when they won the inter-high school dance competition, the first time they had gottten piss-drunk at a schoolmate's party, the road trip they had taken to Vegas and what a wild time they had. He also remembered the pride he had felt as an older brother when Fay had been chosen to represent their high school in a nationwide showcase of budding talents in Arts, and the following disappointment when Fay had been offered a scholarship from Courtauld Institute and his subsequent refusal to accept it. He hadn't understood why then, but he knew now the reasons that Fay had declined the opportunity of a lifetime. There were so many other memories that were dear to him, all of which flashed through his mind like a pictorial slide show, from the first moment when Fay was brought home and placed into his gangly arms.
Kurogane blinked his eyes as he contemplated the current situation they were stuck in. His casual and relaxed display was a bad cover for the turmoil within. He had thought about what he would say for days but he could find no way to make it easier. He knew it would break his brother more than it would hurt himself but he reckons they would survive. Especially more so for Fay so that he could find his way out of his state of life, and learn how it was to love someone without the stronghold of obsession.
"Fay… I've been thinking…" Kurogane started haltingly; he was quickly losing the eloquence to say what was needed before he had even started. The torrent of fear, doubts, and guilt ruffled his masked bravado, making him feel keenly the pain that would soon strike his brother. Fay turned his face to him and pulled away to sit up against the armrest of the sofa. He waited with the innocent expectance of a child. Kurogane swallowed the lump in his throat and braced himself for the worst.
"This thing between us… we have to stop…" His voice faltered again as he saw Fay's face fall, but this would necessary; he had to push through it. "I want you to find someone who can love you the way you want… I mean it's just too complicated… Wouldn't it be better if you move on from here?"
Somewhere in the middle of Kurogane's speech of betrayal, Fay attempted to withdraw into himself as he caught onto the gist of what his brother wanted. His soul searched for cover in the maze within his head, looking for a safe alcove to seek refuge in. There was a myth that the foolish in love had created, in their attempt to beautify and to give love a deeper meaning and intensity, a lover, meant to be your soul mate that would always be able to look through the window of your soul. They would understand your thoughts and see the deepest parts of your souls. It was all bullshit, Fay thought. If it were true, Kurogane would not be saying anything like this.
"Move on?" Fay whispered in a daze as he reached out for his pack of cigarettes on the table. He shook one out of the box and lit it with trembling fingers. As much as he had prepared himself for this conversation, he will never be ready for it. He knew this would happen one day, so why did he feel so devastated now? He couldn't hear clearly and between puffs on his cigarette, he swallowed hard and tried to rid himself of the vacuum muffling all the sounds in his ears. How could someone just relinquish their hold on somebody they claimed to love so easily? Where was the man that had held him tight in his arms, who had loved him through the night and whose lips had worshipped his skin and his flesh? It is not the man sitting in front of him right now!
"I don't want to listen to this," Fay said as he took another deep puff. "Not now… not like this." He continued as he drew his feet up onto the sofa, trying to huddle and hide into himself. But the walls around his heart weren't being built fast enough; they were crumbling even as he stacked the bricks again, and again, and again.
"There are things that I can't see clearly now. I'm not sure how to feel about you any more…if we're lovers, are we still brothers, and if we're still brothers, then this is an abomination and we cannot continue." Kurogane said softly in a grave desperate tone, his hands yearning to reach out and comfort the man in front of him but he knew any contact now will only weaken him. "We have to let this go… imagine what would happen if mum and dad found out about this?"
Fay's shuttered up emotions immediately picked up the cowardly and insulting justification of his brother's. This wasn't about their parents; it was about his inability to deal with the truth of what they had done. He did not want to deal with the consequences of their desires. It was a weak excuse, Fay thought, and there was no reason for him to accept such an unworthy retreat.
"Did you think of them then, when you are coming inside me? When you're holding my cock and telling me how much you love it?" Fay asked without expression and an even more non-emotive tone. He wasn't going to make it easier for Kurogane. If he had to face the truth about the flaws of his brother's character alone, he wanted to make sure that his brother realized his own failures too. And it worked. Kurogane felt the sear of that question like it was acid thrown onto his face and before he realized what he was doing, a resounding slap was heard and a surprised gasp mingled with pain echoed through the small apartment.
Fay glared at the man in front of him, azure eyes burning with hatred and hurt. His hand cradled his now swelling cheek that was throbbing in pain. It was the first time Kurogane had laid his hand on him and he retaliated with scathing hate as he threw himself on his brother, clawing and throwing punches wildly without any real aim, screaming and sobbing at the same time. Kurogane just stood and let Fay hit him as tears welled up in his own eyes. There was nothing more he could do right now apart from the weak mumbles of apology that choked up in his throat and tumbled out of his lips, like chunks of glass that he could no longer chew on. The meanings of his apologies are pointless and insignificant now in the magnitude of Fay's anger.
Kurogane didn't know how long Fay's outburst continued and when it had stopped. He only knew they were gripping on to each other like they would to a lifeline of hope when he brought himself back to the immediate moment, and he was burying his nose and breathing in the scent of his brother, breathing as if he was never going to breathe again. He didn't want to do this to Fay, he thought, as his heart split and warred against his conscience again. There is so much love here… so much. But words spoken can never be taken back and the hurt that you've carved onto someone else's heart can never be undone, and if something is meant to be over, there is no point in avoiding the inevitable.
Fay took a deep breath as he gathered himself and pulled away from the wistful embrace. This was his brother and no matter what was asked of him he would give, because he had never learned how to say 'no' to Kurogane. In some ways, it was very much his own fault too for developing such incestuous feelings towards his brother.
"Get out. I don't ever want to see you again, ever." He said voice eerily calm as he walked into his bedroom and closed the door. He stared at the space infront of him, and let himself fall apart. He sat down on the edge of his bed and wept like he had never wept before, broken at last. Maybe, Fay thought, he was born to die the moment he was born alive. He should perhaps consider the death of his heart as a release because the wait for this love to be requited had been killing him the moment it started.
"I love you, Fay," Kurogane said weakly from outside the door. "But I can't hurt her. She doesn't deserve it."
Fay could hear the soft slide of callous fingers on wood, tight harsh breathing muffled by the thickness of the door. He stood and walked back to the door placing his own palm on the spot where he could picture his brother's hand on the opposite side, and leaned his forehead against the it, a last attempt to capture their ties through lifeless wood. It was over, just like that, in a span of minutes. How is it that a few minutes could change one's life? This is how it is, like a building demolished by explosives. Fay did not bother to ask why it had to be him, then. He was no longer listening as he burrowed his way into the past, where he had not yet discovered the true feelings he harbored towards Kurogane, when none of this pain had existed for him yet. He brooded briefly in anger, an itch to throw everything in sight that reminded him of his brother, but the truth was, the things you threw away will only ever be things. It does nothing to lighten the heaviness within.
oooooooooo
Kurogane fiddled with the velvet box resting within the depths of his pocket. The box that was supposed to contain his salvation for his conscience is working against him instead, the weight of his mistakes bore on his heart. He felt that he had to do something right in order to repent the wrong he did. If this could prevent another person from being hurt, then that is what he would do. He wondered if Tomoyo would like the ring, a complicated knitted matte silver wire design with its row of diamonds encased within its surface. It had cost him a limb. He hoped it would be worth it in the end. It has to.
"Hey! Where are you bringing me exactly?" Tomoyo demanded as she gave his hand a tug, distracting him from his private thoughts.
Kurogane looked up and hoped he projected what he thought was a secretive smile.
"We'll be there soon… actually we're very near," He replied as he caught the distance crash of waves against the shores. "Come here, I can't have you peeking at your surprise." He continued as he pulled Tomoyo in front of him and closed his hands over her eyes, slowly guiding her to the place where he had sat up the candle-lit dinner he had prepared.
Tomoyo couldn't help but giggle as the nervousness she sensed from Kurogane rubbed off onto her, and she tripped a bit as her feet suddenly found themselves on uneven ground. She could hear a gentle crashing of waves from a distance ahead of her.
Kurogane grimaced at the sound of Tomoyo's giggling away, and his legs starting feeling like lead. He had to fight a sudden urge to run. "We're here," Kurogane whispered softly by her ear, his warm breath causing goosebumps to grow along her most sensitive area of skin, an image of Fay shivering in need, arching against him as he kissed and nibbled along his earlobe came to mind, Kurogane blinked and grinded his teeth at the memory. It's Tomoyo. Not him. He thought viciously and shoved the memory aside, but he couldn't fight the physical respond. He was already half hard. He moved an inch further away from Tomoyo, not wanting for her to feel that.
Tomoyo gasped as Kurogane took his hands off her. She stood speechless and immensely moved, and tears started welling in her eyes as she absorbed the sight infront of her: the table sat near the edge of the cliff with tea candles in glass lanterns illuminating the area, and there were a bunch of roses that laid on the table, and soft music playing on the side, completing the romantic ambience. She clutched her chest and sighed.
"This is all so beautiful…"
"I was hoping you'd say that." Kurogane replied as he led her gently by the elbow and sat her down on the opposite side of the table.
"Thank you…" Tomoyo said as she watched Kurogane take out a bottle of wine from a cooler hiden beneath the table. "I don't know what the occasion is and why you're doing this, but thank you because I love it. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me," she said, her eyes sparkling.
Kurogane looked away quickly as guilt stabbed at his heart when he saw the love Tomoyo held in her eyes for him… such a deceitful and callous man he was. An image of his brother hunched on the sofa crying alone came to mind and he shoved it brutally away again, not wanting to be reminded of anything about his brother while he was with Tomoyo.
"Shall we start?" He asked, gesturing at the food in front of them.
They went for a slow stroll by the waterfront after the quiet dinner. Kurogane was listening patiently as Tomoyo talked about her dreams and of their future at the dancing school. Kurogane listened half-interested as other thoughts filled his restless mind. His hand fidgeted with the box again and he thought he might as well get it over and done with. He wasn't sure why, but the urgency to do it and hear Tomoyo say yes to him suddenly became of paramount importance.
He slowed his footsteps to a stop and waited for Tomoyo to turn back to look at him.
"Tomoyo…" Kurogane said as he noted the confusion in his girlfriend's eyes, "I hope this is not too sudden…"
"Are you breaking up with me?" she cut in suddenly.
Kurogane barked out a nervous laugh.
"No… what made you think that? We just had the most wonderful evening…" he paused as he walked towards her, pulling out the ring from the box at the same time. Tomoyo's face quickly changed to one of dawning apprehension as she lifted her hand over her mouth after letting out a gasp. "Tomoyo, will you marry me?" he said.
Tomoyo blinked hard as the tears came unbidden and she nodded her head slowly before replying with a soft 'yes'.
ooooooooo
She twirled around in front of the mirror admiring the silhouette of her body in the tight bodice of the wedding gown. Kurogane was still in the fitting room trying on his suit. Although their wedding was scheduled for six months later, Tomoyo thought it might cut down the hassle if they had the minor details ironed out first. In her mind, she was already planning their honeymoon. She had always wanted to visit Europe. She fervently prayed that they would have enough money left for a two week trip to the various hotspots she would have liked to visit. Behind her, she heard the rustling of the heavy drapes that covered the fitting room being pulled aside. She turned around and was rewarded with the sight of her soon-to-be-husband in a dashing tuxedo.
"You are looking fine, honey." She trilled sweetly.
Kurogane gave her a waned smile and offered similar praises to her listlessly; his mind distracted and his thoughts still lingering around Fay. In his mind, the image of his brother soaked in tears and wasted haunted his every waking moment. He did not know what he could do to elevate this feeling of guilt that ate at him from the inside. Even though he knew he had done the right thing, he found himself feeling even more ashamed and still unable to face his parents. He couldn't even tell Tomoyo that he loved her without looking away from her warm hazel eyes. It was the same dilemma that had him trapped from the start of his sexual awakening.
He had heard from those religious people who always preached about the power of redemption, the cleansing of one's soul when one confesses to his misdeeds, and the giving of themselves to higher powers above. But nothing had happened to him even when he had forsaken the temptation of his wrongs. He did not feel the lightness of being absolved. Maybe it was because forgiveness did not come directly from the person he had hurt.
"Is this the dress you've been looking for?" he attempted asking in a teasing manner, noting with despondence that it sounded like he was obviously trying too hard. It was totally unnatural. He didn't talk like this, ever. It was funny because he always thought Tomoyo to be a very perceptive person, but here she was missing all the nuances of his behavior, and that spoke volumes about Tomoyo being the person that he is going to marry.
Tomoyo gave him a resplendent smile and nodded her head.
"You know, I still can't believe that we're doing this." Tomoyo said softly as she looked dreamily into his eyes.
"Are you starting to regret your decision?" he asked, hardly surprised to find himself half hoping for Tomoyo to agreed, and that she wanted to get out of this ridiculous union.
"No, never… It's just that… why me?"
"Wouldn't love be enough of a reason?" Kurogane replied. Tomoyo paused for a moment, and all previous thoughts of Tomoyo not being able to read him as well as his brother were swiped away from his mind.
Tomoyo tried to prevent her brows from frowning and the disappointment from showing from her face. She had never heard those three words from Kurogane before and it had since become a natural to accept the fact that he might probably never say it during the period of their courtship. But something nagged at her. If they were getting married, he must be firm about his feelings. And if he was firm, then why wasn't he proclaiming his love to her...? Even if actions spoke louder than words, she just wanted to hear it from him, a simple affirmation of his love to her.
"You've never told me that you love me, not even when you proposed." Tomoyo stated as her eyes cleared, the euphoria of getting married to a man she wanted so much was rapidly being replaced by the shadow of a doubt. She searched his eyes, trying to read his expression so as to gauge his answer.
"Of course I do. I… I do... love you. That's why I wanted to marry you, share my life with you," he forced out, trying desperately to school his features into one of calmness and resolution, afraid that Tomoyo would see through his deceit. He felt like a thorough cad at that moment. Why was he doing this? He could have simply told her that he didn't love her, that he treasured her more as a dear friend then someone whom he truly loves. But everything had turned complicated the moment he admitted to his feelings towards his brother, and she was the only person whom he thought strong enough to tide him through this. It was at that moment that he realized how deep a grave he had dug himself into. Despite all the faith, trust, and love that Fay had for him... he had chosen to worm his way out by making the cowardly decision to marry Tomoyo in order to escape the tangles of their affair. He had gotten someone innocent embroiled in the indecisiveness of his heart.
God... he really don't know what he was doing anymore.
Tomoyo blinked as she looked away from her fiancée's face to the trail of the wedding gown pooling around her feet. The hesitant tone of his declaration had not been firm or fast enough.
He was obviously lying.
oooooooooo
Tomoyo pressed the doorbell insistently, she knew she shouldn't be here, but she needed answers to her questions. Fay must be privy to Kurogane's most inner thoughts since they were so close to each other. As she stood there waiting for the occupant within to open the door, she contemplated if this was really what she wanted, if she was ready for whatever truths that she might learn from Fay. But she would be getting married soon and living a life full of mistrust and doubts toward her other half was not an option for her.
Fay looked through the peephole, his heart palpating as his brows pulled together into a severe frown when he saw who the person was on the opposite side of his front door. Tomoyo was the last person he wanted see right now. He was sorely tempted to ignore her. He drew in a deep breathe and schooled his features into one of indifference before opening the door to greet her. He perpended the various reasons as to why she was here, ignoring the condition of his pitiful heart and remembered that he had been left behind because of her.
Tomoyo startled slightly when the door opened, no matter how many times she rehearsed the words she wanted to say, she couldn't help feeling flighty. It must have been strange for her insistence on meeting him when she could have just cleared the issue with her husband-to-be.
"Hi… Fay… is this a good time for you? I hope I'm not interrupting anything important." She greeted the blonde hesitantly, noting the irritation that flashed past those sapphire eyes, along with something else akin to resentment.
"I'm not tied up with anything at the moment but I need to be out by 4:30 for work. What is it?" Fay answered brusquely tapping on his wrist watch for emphasis on the limited time he could offer. Though in truth, he didn't have to bother about work at all. The club had terminated his services when he failed to show up for work, consecutively for days on end, a week ago.
Tomoyo gave a helpless smile, not paying attention to the look of exhaustion on the blonde's face due to her own distractions.
"I needed to talk to you regarding your brother." Tomoyo said in a tone which she hoped to be casual.
Fay panicked momentarily thinking that Tomoyo might have found out what have been going on them, but she was too poise and calm to be talking about such a sensitive subject. So he squashed the waves of anxiety as he waved her into the apartment. He didn't move beyond the doorway and left the door open while waiting for her to speak, not wanting to give her the impression that he was about to get cozy when discussing about Kurogane. Tomoyo, thankfully, seems to have gotten the hint. Her eyes darted back and forth between Fay and the door as she shuffled uncomfortably in her heels, adjusting the strap of her handbag before she spoke again
"Did your brother tell you that we're getting married?"
Fay felt the blood within his veins chill when he heard the news. This was the very last thing that he had been expecting. It was a final act of betrayal to their illicit relationship, one that was meant to force a disengagement from Kurogane's life. How many times did his brother have to fail him before he gave up any semblance of hope? Still even in his mounting despair and rage, Fay found that he had enough in him to pity Tomoyo. The disparity between their positions couldn't have been more obvious. At the very least, he was abandoned because of love, whereby she was just a pawn in their game of perversity. Yet, no matter what the outcome, it was obvious no one was going to turn up victorious.
"I think he mentioned something about it," Fay replied, his voice terse and tight with restrained anger. "Is there anything I should be concern about?"
Tomoyo flinched at Fay's reaction, unable to understand why Fay was displeased upon hearing the good news.
"What was that for?" she asked, genuinely curious.
Fay, aware of how fast he was losing control over his emotions, composed himself before he answered,
"Nothing," he answered with a tight smile. "So you wanted to talk?"
"Oh, yes…" Tomoyo continued as she blinked her eyes and told herself not to read too much into Fay's reaction, and walked into the apartment without further invitation. Fay followed dourly behind, and sat a fair distance away from Tomoyo. He noted her discomfort at his reaction and threw her a cold glance.
"I can tell you're really unhappy over this, so I'll get straight to the point." Tomoyo said, drawing to her own conclusion that Fay really was feeling disgruntled toward her for some reason or another, "I want to know if your brother is serious about me."
"He proposed didn't he? Isn't that the greatest assurance that a woman can have about a man's feelings towards her."
"I'm in love, not stupid."
"Then don't marry him if you're not sure. Isn't that simple?"
"What?"
"He wants you as his wife. How could he not be into you?' Fay replied with a caustic sneer.
"But he doesn't love me. I can see it in his eyes. He couldn't even say it to my face."
"This isn't a conversation you should be having with me?" Fay bit out impatiently, a clear declaration that he was not interested and not liking where the conversation was headed right now.
"I know you don't like this, but you're the closest person to him and I think he tells you everything…perhaps …things that he doesn't feel safe enough telling me."
Fay took a long hard look at her before leaning back onto the sofa.
"What is it that you want to know?"
"Is there someone else in his life?"
Fay felt completely mystified about how the woman's mind worked. How could a commitment of a lifetime bring more doubts? He thought she was too desperate for affirmations. Shouldn't she be content and accept what she had been offered, or was she too insecure in herself to commit? In his mind, a vague theory formed.
"Are you really in love with my brother, or is he just too good for you to pass over?" Fay asked.
"What has that got to do with my question?"
Fay did not reply as he shuffled across the seat, intruding rudely into her personal space, getting much closer then he should be. He lifted a hand and fingered the black locks framing the sides of her heart shaped face, feeling the softness of it. He gazed at those pink lips and wondered how Kurogane felt when he kissed them. Are they as pliant as his? Do they taste like his own? He continued to lean forward with eyes opened, intensely scrutinizing brown molten ones. He waited for any signs of a protest, but there was none forthcoming. So he surged past the last few centimeters and claimed her lips, pulling her into a harsh kiss. Immediately, he found himself abhorring the feel, taste and scent of her, everything that was her was a stark reminder of his own loss. How could his brother bring himself to make love to a person whose kisses tasted like cold metal?
Tomoyo knew she should have reacted violently against this, but she couldn't. Instead, she pressed into the kiss, providing a reaction that proved her weakness. Those eyes that were so beautifully mesmerizing had always held her entranced, and when she was fixed with that questioning gaze, burning with an emotion she couldn't name. She had fallen for Fay's cheap ruse. She had to admit that she always held a questionable curiosity about the younger brother. She had indeed been tempted before until he revealed that he was only interested men. And it was in that moment when his tongue swiped hers that she understood the whole point of what Fay was trying to point out. Instead of feeling remorseful about her own fault, she retaliated with unjustified anger against the blonde for spotting her weakness with such precision. She lifted her hands up and shoved hard at Fay. He landed on the floor with a bark of short, harsh laughs, looking pleased that he had managed to jar her this much. He brushed his lips with his index finger, still wet from the kiss, and stuck it into his mouth, deliberately licking it lavishly before extracting it and speaking with a calculating drawl.
"This is what I think you should be asking yourself? Are you sure you want to marry my brother?"
Tomoyo turned her face away, face red and heated from anger and embarrassment.
"How dare you do this to me?" she cried out.
"How dare I?" he hissed, "I should be the one asking you, bitch! You took him away from me!" Fay roared once he heard that accusation. His anger fueled by the fact that his brother was willing to sacrifice him for a woman who couldn't even promise her fidelity to him in return for his commitment. How could she have the audacity to take what was his and turn around to point her finger at him? He thought it didn't matter that she was ignorant to what had happened between him and Kurogane; it did not make her any less guilty from his perspective.
When secrets are built upon secrets, they will become a wall so impermeable, and then, what would that make of their lives? When the secrets spill and the truth is made known, who is to say whom the real victim is and who is the real perpetrator? Maybe everyone is a little of both, we hurt and we get hurt, and sometimes one just can't afford to be the good guy anymore. Sometimes, you drive down the lethal stab that frees you from your own pain, and you do it in the blink of an eye because of damned principles, morals, and love, when you're the one who is going to lose everything in the end. Fay knew it, and so he'd had to let go once again and carry the sign of the sinner for everyone because it wouldn't have made a difference in his life when he had been already destined to lose. It wasn't hard to tell that he and his brother had only been finding convenient outlets, pushing, bending, and forcing to see who would get to the breaking point first. He was not so much of a fool to not realize that their kind of love was too desperate, too dangerous to last. Since he had nothing more to lose, why should his secrets remain sacred? There was no reason to suffer the lost all by himself.
"Did you ever sit to think about the reason he's with you?" Fay pushed as soon as he saw the weakness of doubts appearing in Tomoyo's eyes. "He's with you because you offered him a place where he could escape who he really is. Aren't you curious about what kind of person he really is under his mask?" he continued as he sat back to let the reality of the situation sink into her.
Tomoyo said nothing as her face paled and her eyes widened. She tensed in her anticipation of what she felt to be a nasty surprise waiting for her at the end of the question.
Fay leaned forward with a cold smirk.
"He likes men… and he likes me too. Did he tell you we fucked? We were doing it even when you were with him." Fay said vindictively as he continued leaning towards Tomoyo's face until he was barely an arm's length away, "Don't you feel disgusted about kissing me now?"
"How could you be so vile as to lie about this kind of thing?" Tomoyo whispered with a pained expression and trembling voice.
Fay thought that Tomoyo's naivety was astounding, and her innocence caused such envy and jealousy within him. He gave a bitter, short laugh as he regarded her with eyes that showed everything that he was feeling at the moment and defeat as well. She was so innocent, so untainted, so deserving of his brother's love. Unlike him. He only knew how to tear things apart and destroy other people's livee. That might have been the only thing he would ever have been good for. He knew he had lost everything the moment he had told her the truth because Kurogane would never forgive him for this.
"Why don't you ask your beloved fiancée instead of me? Maybe he will be able to clarify if this is a lie or not," Fay spat out at her.
Kurogane came home that evening to find both his parents out and Tomoyo sitting on the swing at the porch waiting for him. He knew immediately that something was wrong; she looked like she had been crying.
"Hey…why are you here? I thought you'll be attending Mischa's performance at Central Hall today." Kurogane said as he jogged up the short flight of steps on the front porch. Now that he was up close, he could see how swollen her eyes really were. She must have been crying for a long while.
"Change of plans, I met your brother instead." She said calmly, her eyes fixed on his, unflinching, expecting.
He was momentarily shocked but quickly schooled his expression into one of placidity hoping that Tomoyo hadn't perspicaciously caught on to that. She had noticed it of course, the shock of what Fay had said to her made her unpleasantly aware of the nuances of Kurogane's every minute expression. But the worst thing was he didn't even ask why she had visited Fay, wasn't even curious but was immediately tensed and guarded. He knows she wasn't close to Fay at all, that much was obvious.
"How is he? I haven't seen him recently." He replied and sat beside her on the swing instead of opposite her so that she couldn't see his face completely. His posture ramrod straight and tensed, his thoughts froze as he stumbled and vexed over why did Tomoyo made that unannounced visit to Fay.
Tomoyo bit the insides of her cheeks hard. She cannot believe she did not see the signs of guilt that were radiating all over from Kurogane before. She had been sitting here thinking about what Fay had told her for a long while. She has difficulties accepting the facts that Fay had so cruelly spat at her. She had thought those words were said out of jealousy of losing a brother's affection. Alas, the signs were right infront of her all this while and she wondered why she hadn't seen them earlier. All those meaningful gazes and lingering touches she had seen passed between them when Kurogane brought her with him on short dinner outings with Fay, the way he called him his baby brother. The 'baby' that was heavily inundated with such intimate undercurrents, and then, there were those times when he had touched her with a distant look in his eyes, as if he was thinking about someone else.
She wondered why none of that connected in such a manner previously. Even the blind could tell that the love and care the brothers shared, had been much deeper and intimate then normal siblings shared. She had debated on whether she wanted to confront Kurogane regarding Fay's claims. She knew whatever answer she received will tear everything apart, but to not know the truth seems to be an even more torturous decision. She was afraid that she might not have the strength to bring the relationship to an end. She fear even if the deed was true, she might still choose the deceitful embrace of Kurogane's arms if he was determined to honor his responsibilities towards her. But that thought crawled under her skin, made her want to puke and vehemently told her that would be worst mistake she will be making in her life. She wanted love, not obligations and she has no idea if she could bring herself to marry someone who had slept with their own flesh and blood.
It is disgusting.
Perhaps, she thinks, she will just have to learn how to be lonely once more. There won't be much collateral damaged left behind by this short love, her soul and heart will still be intact even if her ego and pride had been bruised, but she doubts that the actions of Kurogane would hurt Fay less. She saw how consumed Fay was with the love felt for Kurogane and, as much as it appalled her, she had to wonder if she could love someone like this. This unanswered question, like the questions she has not the courage to ask Kurogane, left a huge void in her. Yet, the void gave her the courage to accept the books of secrets that was to be unveiled to her. Her path was made easy, all she had to do was walk away. Her conscience was clear, she wasn't the weak link in their lives and neither was Fay. Kurogane was the weak link. If only he had been strong and had said no to his curiosity and had acted as a brother to Fay to talk things through instead of falling for this unnatural desire, everything would have been different. But he was not.
"Did you do it?" Tomoyo asked with façade of resigned serenity.
"What are you talking about?" Kurogane pretended to ask all the while feeling the blood in his arteries freezing over. Kurogane felt terrified. He didn't know if avoiding the question would be better for him and every one else in the long run.
"Don't play the fool with me! I deserved some honesty from you!"
Kurogane knows that there is no back peddling in his situation. He was going to lose her regardless of whether she knew the truth or not because he couldn't live with her for the rest of her life keeping this lie between them. It will never work out and it is not what he envisions their marriage to be. There was no simple solution or things that he could say to get himself off. The cards were all on the table tonight…
oooooooooo
Tomoyo's last words lingered in his mind and refused to die away. How could he be forgiven yet still hated? He remembered her face, how she looked like before she walked away. Her expression was an eerie replica of Fay's since he last saw him, numb and glazed. The only difference was that Tomoyo still had some fire left in her. He couldn't miss the hatred glowing from the pits of her eyes, the revulsion toward what he had done and the sadness of being betrayed in such a manner. He treasured her dearly and to know that he had placed all those emotions there, carved a canyon of lamentation unbridgeable in his heart. His thoughts grew more cramped and were kept truncated by interrupting images and dialogues between him and Fay. He could no longer find any clarity in his world. He growled and jerked the headphones off his head before throwing his ipod across the room, but it did little to abate his frustration.
He has nothing now. Tomoyo was gone, as was Fay and he is still caught in a deadlock between the guilt he feels over the both of them. However, he is more acutely aware of the crescendo of emotions that were directed towards Fay, all of them conflicting, as always when it comes to his baby brother. And then, there was still mom and dad to deal with. They would definitely be upset and disappointed that the wedding has been called off. They had been looking forward to the wedding of their eldest son, especially mom. She thought this would be a great excuse to get Fay home finally, to be a family again. Genius that he is managed to screw everything up! He got up and headed downstairs toward the porch, unable to withstand the claustrophobic atmosphere in his room any longer.
He sat down on the swing and pulled out the box of cigarettes and lighter stuffed deep in his pocket. It was the brand Fay smokes. He lit one up, needing to find something to rid him of the tightness in his head. He rolled the tip of it with his thumb and index, feeling the firmness of the filter, brought it to his lips and sucked. The fumes crowded his mouth, acrid, dry and pungent. He coughed a little and thought the taste of tobacco on his tongue repugnant. He had never been one to turn to drugs of any kind, for recreation or otherwise, because he never understood why so many people found drugs pleasurable. He breathed in the smoke and swallowed feeling the airy substance choke up in his airway, choke on it, coughing all the while as his lungs absorbed the toxics within. He took another puff, deeper and harder, aware of the dizziness that was causing a strange sort of lightness in him. Nothing strong but it still managed to tilt his world a little. Is this what Fay was always looking for, this lightness? As the chemicals flowed through his body and mind, he starts to understand why.
Everyone craves that numbness sometimes. He wished he could be like that forever! But he was not so fortunate to be blessed with it. People have always said that walking away is the best choice of all, but it wasn't true at all! Whatever part you play in a story, no one can truly leave behind what has been suffered by the heart; the murmurs of pain will always be there. Although it is the same story of love found and lost, the process gone through by everyone in the universe does not lose its intensity, the rules stay the same. One would have to seek closure and an amicable resolution for it to be really over. If not, one lives with the tags of misgivings thread into strings of regrets and will keep dragging it behind oneself till the end of one's life, and the memories of it will always remain painfully clear no matter how divided it was by time.
Humans are weak against themselves he guessed, sometimes, a little help and damage incurred on the body strengthens you instead.
He wonders about his next step? If he were to grovel back and apologize, how would Fay feel? How will his intentions and wants be interpreted by Fay? Would he feel like he is second best only because Tomoyo was out of the picture? He took another puff of noxious smoke and stared into the dimming daylight; the air of the cooling atmosphere refreshes him a little but did nothing to clear the chaos in his head. In his young life, making the decision to love was the worst mistake he ever made. If only his heart had not been greedy or so cowardly a fool, the right choices would not be hard to make. Seems like the old saying is true, you only treasure the ones who are gone. But the fear is still there, he is still lost in maze of life's grueling trials. Fay had always been the mainstay of his life, no matter what happens, no matter how many people passed by his life, Fay has always been there. His presence even more pronounced than their parents'. Fay never fails when it comes to him, but Kurogane could not claim the same when it was his turn to be there.
Memories of when they were young came unbidden to him again, and he was reminded of the times when they were practicing in the studio at school. They both leaned towards the more artistic side and love anything that has to do with art, but it was a ballad performance that their parents brought them to that caught their interest. Yet, like any boys who are their age then, they were affected by their peers' opinions about boys in ballad and as much as they thought those opinions to be ignorant and silly, they decided to take up contemporary dance instead. The classes had more boys in it, sissies or otherwise. Though he must say that by the time he turned professional, the opinions about boys and ballad had improved tremendously.
From the start he realized that enviable as his height was to the other boys, his build was never that great for contemporary dances. In his opinion, he was too tall, too bulky and looked just that little ungraceful on stage and boys who were more lean and lanky, like his brother seemed more suited for the activity. But Fay never gave up on his behalf. Fay never failed to give him the necessary shove, dose of constructive criticism and boost of confidence to improve his form, always pointing out the other professional and famous dancers who were around his build and emphasizing on their success. He even stayed back countless times just practice with him till he attained perfection. When it comes to their shared passion, Fay has always been the better dancer. It's just sad that his talent had turned into a form of trade.
It didn't help to know that the plight of Fay was due to him. In the last few months, it is now clear to him that his bond to Fay had always been a destructive element, boding no good, no joy, and no future. He took the last puff of his cigarette, snuffed it in his father's ashtray already full of the remains of his own pipe and stood up. There was no point in wallowing in this; he didn't want to start feeling pity for himself when he was the one at fault. He had to find a way to melt away the deep chronic sense of dissatisfaction and despise felt towards his own self and body. Even in a mire of tribulations and the distance apart, he could not stop the constant craving for his brother's warmth and body, will not stop missing the voice that even now whispers into his ears, full of wretchedness and intense disappointment and dying hope.
Wiping his hands absentmindedly on his jeans, he wondered if the dampness he felt on his hands were droplets of rain, and if that rain was the same one that has been pouring in his heart ever since he had fallen for his baby brother. Taking a last look into the darkness surrounding his neighborhood, he went in the house and retired to his bedroom. Sleep was still far out of reach and, outside, the dry evening was in stasis waiting for a moment unknown, unspoken, waiting for twilight to seep between the seconds and along with it, the chill felt during the earliest hours when night progresses into dawn.
oooooooooo
Dean couldn't tell what exactly, but every sigh and creak of his bones prophesized an ominous outlook of the unknown that lies ahead. Much of it, he suspects has got to do with the blonde. It disturbs him, the amount of distance that has been created between them, not that there had been much to start with, he smiled bitterly. He asks himself everyday when he looks into those misty blues, why is he still following the blonde? He made a sardonic and an irrelevant reference between their relationships to what the characters in My Best Friend's Wedding had experienced. There is a quote that keeps replaying vividly in his mind, which George had said to Julianne: "Who's chasing you…nobody, get it?" Only difference is, their lives are not romantic comedies being played out on the silver screen; he could not foresee any ending which would end up the way they desire. He could have left it all behind the day Fay was fired from the previous club. Frankly, he could have all the boys licking from the soles of his shoes if he only opened his mouth to ask, but he could not be unfettered from his heart's compulsion toward the blue eye blonde.
He glanced at the platform where Fay was dancing on, the sensual sway of his body betraying none of the hardness a man was supposed to contain. The blonde moves like a cobra seducing the piper, luring it to its lethal fangs. Fangs that once have been sunk into you will never loosen its hold. He is caught like one of those men staring in rapture and lust at that body; with the knowledge that the feast of only the sight will never be satisfying enough. The blonde calls out to anyone who noticed, beckoning one to own him, a false cry of help from a siren. Nobody could do it, to own him that is. One can only be enslave by lust felt toward that sinful body and face, and Fay in turn was only mastered by one whose name Dean will never want to taste on his lips, and woe if he isn't filled with an epic hate toward the man Fay calls brother.
In the club, Fay attains the perfect transformation, layering a more tenacious façade. He stands against the wall, posing, always with his floppy blonde hair covering one of his eyes, dangling a cigarette from his lips, gazing at the patrons with a come-hither look all the time in his hip hugging low cuts and shirtless in his black rider's jacket. He is an actor who had perfected his craft; he creates a mirror which reflects into whomever's eyes what they wanted to see. Nobody bothers to dig deeper. Ironically, when someone does, they find themselves faced with the most daunting wall of steel in their way. Even for Dean, despite knowing Fay in such intimate ways, has barely just scrapped past the superficial surface. Even such a simple process had cost his heart grievous amount of pain. There was only ever one person who could touch that freezing heart and set it ablaze, and this truth was what Dean hates the most.
There isn't a romantic ache when he thinks of the blonde. He refused to make himself out to be a piteous character in Fay's life. He doesn't ache. He hates and he gets mad. He detests the way Fay doesn't ever notice his arms that are always wide open waiting for him. He resents the fact that he is constantly pushed away and reduced to being a mere passerby in the blonde's life. He grasps and he stretches, elongates himself so that he will be able to stand balanced on the plane of the unpredictable psychosis that dominates the scene of the blonde's world, one that has no hope of recovery. Fay's persona in the club had become a dream of gold. It is elusive and leagues out of reach from the hands of a common man, and one would do anything to seek connection with that dream, even if it is just for a night. But Dean is not one of those men. He is not a fan of disillusions and he cares not to delude himself. He sleeps in the night bearing only the unwelcomed truth, and he asks not for fairy tale kisses, but only for the simple warmth of a body to share his bed.
He has lost the appetite for a never-ending slew of nameless tricks. When he misses and yearns, he reminds himself of how it feels like when his hands roam across Fay's body. The feel of those delicate lines on Fay's fingers, the slight bump of hidden moles on his back and on the side of his neck, the barely seen freckles on the sides of Fay's cheeks, the tickling feel of fine hair, the paper like texture of his pale lucid skin, smooth against the rough texture of the skin on Dean's finger pads. The subtle curves of Fay's entire body memorized by the travels of wistful hands. But he is not a lover only a substitute. Despite the reiteration from Fay on their positions regarding their relationship, and his own acceptance of it, Dean still forgets that fact sometimes. Who he was rightfully supposed to be. Love's desires have the utmost ability to deceive what the heart should rightfully perceive. He tells himself everytime that he should stop chasing, but he couldn't stop his feet not even when the pavement stretches on for miles without an end in the horizon ahead. Fay's hopeless obsession had never been the reason to discourage the flame he had for him, if nothing, it only fuels it more. He is looking at the sliver window of opportunity, that vulnerability that would be exposed to him when Fay crushes. He hopes to be the one to lick the blood off the blonde's wounds. He cannot force his hand for an outcome but he can wait. Just like how an adoring audience waits for their star to glide down from the stage to shake their hands. They looked forward to that brief moment of connection when their hands touches the glamorous being, and hope that the star will remember, if not your face, then at least the silhouette of it.
Fay has not said anything to him, only disallowing his entrance to his home, but he knows. Often times, the truth isn't thrown onto your face like a bucket of freezing cream that clings uncomfortably to your skin. What it does instead, is to creep upon your most remote consciousness and lay there bidding for time, and you can feel the gnarled tendrils of it occupying the back of your mind letting your mind's eyes absorb the story yet unheard by your ears. You would think it is intuition, or, gut instinct but it is not. You watched the story unfold and you walked beside the protagonist like a good member of the audience you are, feeling for him and then falling in love with him. You see the path ahead from a third party's perspective and already you could guessed the outcome before the ending reveals itself. It is very much akin to having exceptional foresight, and Dean muses, since he has that foresight why won't he head toward the exit before the end? Isn't that a better option before everyone starts scrambling to escape from the narrow doors of the cinema called, Love? Most times, he is able to pick up the sharp masculine spice from the blonde's skin, it pricks at his nose like a foul intrusion to his senses, so unlike the sporty scents that he personally prefers and uses. He knows intuitively what ails the blonde, yet, he was not able to do anything. He saw it too in Fay's misty blues, no longer was there the haunting look that speaks of hopeless hopes, no longer was there pain that flashes with the specks of gray that would appear in his irises between a deep ocean of blues when the sun shines on his face, a pain that manifests everytime Fay woke to see him instead of his brother. There was nothing but emotions long dead and glassy pupils that reflects a vast emptiness.
Dean heard the DJ switched the music; it is a cue for the next performer. Dean's eyes trailed the trickle of sweat meandering down the blonde's naked torso and, watched Fay end his routine as he slide down the pole and ended in a smooth kneel on the platform. Glazed blue eyes focused on a young man standing infront of the platform. Tonight, the blonde's choice is an Asian and his build is an exact replica of Kurogane. Dean turned away clenching his jaw. He shouldn't be feeling so enraged because he does not have the right to be jealous of whom the blonde chooses to spend his night with. But he needed to vent his anger somewhere, and ever in his mind, there was only one person whom he could think of. It is that person who had captured Fay with his uncaring heart and snuffed out that tiny flicker of whatever life that was left in the blonde, rendering him to be one of the living dead. Fay has never been a promiscuous person, but recently the amount of bodies that shared his warmth has increased. Almost every night, he leaves with someone else with jet black hair and brooding dark looks. Dean was no longer the only one he seeks. He recognizes this pattern of behavior; he knows the need one seeks to fill the desperation of fending off the end. In some ways, this might be the only way Fay could deal what had happened to him. But still it fills him with blind rage to know that those strangers have gained the right, without any merits, to leave their mark in Fay's home, on his skin and the air that he breathes in, while he is pronounced as an exile. It made him feel as if Fay was trying to forget about him too and, maybe, that was what Fay is trying to do.
There were times when he was tempted to ask Fay just what it is that he is lacking, what made him incomparable to Kurogane, for how could the touch of a lover feel better than the touch from one's sibling? His existence had been one big maudlin blob ever since he started falling for the blonde. He thought he could be satisfied just by being there, even if it is just to be used by him. But he realizes now that he wants more, needed more, so much more. His initial attraction for the blonde's androgynous form of beauty had given way to something more profound and with each passing moment he spent with Fay, that feeling intensified. Every time they come together, he thought he had gained a foothold in Fay's life. He wants to laugh at himself now. He had gained nothing ultimately. Fay's heart was not something tangible to be captured. It slips through his fingers as if he was trying to gain a solid hold on water, or, smoke, or light. They were all insubstantial. You can soak up the fundamental nature of them only in their element but you cannot seek to control them. He is confounded on why the blonde would choose a love that would have him turn his back against the rest of the world, where he is alone and reminded of the weight he bears everytime the wind blows across the barren land of his heart.
He glanced at the mirror behind the bar, keeping his eyes glued to the exit, knowing that any moment now Fay would walk pass it with the stranger swaging along behind. The unfairness of the whole situation spiked his resentment once more. He observed his own heated glare reflected from the mirror, disliking how his features twist with bitterness, how it hardens his normally gentle features. Fay's mindless exchange of flesh inflicts a certain pain in his heart, not the kind that makes him scream but the kind that hurts with thousands of tiny stings derived from paper cuts. As his eyes followed the two men exiting the club, his heart palpitates in a crazy pace, feeling like its dropping down the tallest skyscraper, weak with dreadful anticipation. There truly is no respect gained from suffering the pain of unrequited love; the person suffering from it deserving neither sympathy nor empathy. After all, they chose with the knowing that nothing might be returned. Without sparing a second more on his thoughts, he turned on his heels and chased after Fay.
TBC
Moro-moro: : ) Thank you for being such a loyal follower of this story and for always taking the effort to leave a review, it means a lot!
Melissa Brite: Thanks again! : ) I hope you'll like this update too!
Wanda Dido: I'm really glad that you kept reading this story! Thanks for leaving a review!
Anath Tsurugi: Carpe Diem! Well, I don't think this story will have a sad ending, but it's not going to be happy too... : ( Thanks for your adorable review and I hope you will still find future installments as interesting! I don't think the fandom will stay depressing for long! Maybe clamp will come up with something to snap the fandom out of the funk...but really I think (personally) that KuroFai is so suited for angst!
Amarante-ai: LOL! I won't say that society will be disappointed by those who marginalized the sins of incest, I guess it's a concept that is generally unaccepted by most. Thanks for pointing out the 'then' and 'than' errors. I sometimes confuse myself on which to use and in which context they should be used. 'Than' is use in comparative statements while 'then' is used as a time marker, or, with a sequence of events. I tried to correct them while editing the story but I'm not sure if I spot all of them, do point them out if you managed to spot them! ; ) I appreciate the offer to be the beta of this story, but as it seems, I'm rather rusty with communicating with beta(s) so I rather edit my stuff myself. Thanks so much though and for the review as well! : )
rain: Thank you for your wonderful reviews! I hope you get more hooked on this as the story progress! : ) Yeah, it's a given fact that I'm pretty weak in grammer and stuff, but thank you for your patience too on finishing reading what has been posted!
Gloomy Gloo: Kurogane will be a man definitely but I can't assure that by then Fay would still want him! Opps, I shouldn't be saying this really...Thank you for leaving a review by the way! : )
Puri-Chan: Thanks for following with the story, I hope you're loving it still! : )