Chapter III—Time is Not Given

"Thanks for watching Josh for the next two days," Will thanked Finn and Rachel, watching his son sleep soundly in Rachel's grasp. She shifted the toddler around her swelling belly; Finn beamed at her proudly, reaching to wrap his arm around her back.

"Anytime, Mr. Schue," Rachel told him. Though they were now adults, and Will insisted that it was fine if they called him by his first name, he realized that old habits died hard. He would always be Mr. Schue to his students. "It will be good practice for us." She winked at him, glancing down at her growing stomach.

He smiled, still marveling at the fact the newly wed couple was expecting their first child. He couldn't help but to think of the sixteen-year-olds he had coached his first year as Glee director. Life really did fly by. He followed the couple into their small apartment, carrying Josh's bag in with him.

"He'll sleep here," Rachel told Will, leading him down the hall to a small bedroom. "We're right across the hall, so he'll be close if he needs anything."

She placed Josh down softly against the pillows. He stirred in his sleep but didn't wake. Will placed his bag next to bed, exiting the room quietly.

"Well, you've babysat Josh before, so you basically know how his schedule goes, but I wrote everything up for just in case." Will handed Rachel a sheet of paper, detailing Josh's routine. "You have my cell number?" Rachel nodded. "I can't thank you guys enough—this is going to be really tough for Emma, and I'd rather Josh not have to see her fall apart more than he already has…"

"I totally understand, Mr. Schue," Rachel told him, resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I hope everything works out."

"Thanks, Rach," Will told the young woman appreciatively. "Tell him goodbye for me when he wakes up."

She nodded, and Will bid her farewell, wrapping his former student into an embrace.

"Thanks, Finn," he turned to the man who had become so much like son to him over the years.

"Like Rachel, said we're glad to help. Let me walk out to the car with you," Finn offered.

Will sighed as he left the apartment with the tall boy following closely behind. He had really made a mess of things, and this past week just proved how much he and Emma had been walking on egg shells.

She had found out about his brief infidelity.

He had toyed with telling her to the point where he felt physically ill. The guilt only grew, especially when he saw Melanie every other to day to pick Josh up from daycare. He knew Emma deserved to know, and she deserved to hear it from him.

But he knew it would kill her. She was already hanging by a thread, and to saddle her with this would only send her over the edge. Though the guilt still remained, though each time he fervently promised he loved her he felt as though a knife were cutting through his gut, he didn't want to deliver the news that would ultimately crack their marriage and family.

But Melanie had told her. And though he wanted to feel angry at her, she had only done what Will had not been man enough to do himself.

Will did not know how the exact exchange had gone down. Emma would not tell him, and he had made it a point not to speak to Melanie since that fateful day he had picked Josh up late. He only knew that Emma had been late, and the two had had a heated argument. He could only assume that Melanie's jealously of Emma and frustration at Will had gotten the best of her. She had nothing to lose from the brash confession except for the income from one child's family.

He couldn't really blame her either. He had done nothing to discourage her advances, and he had left her alone and hurt after leading her on. Will hated to admit it, but he had only received exactly what he deserved.

And he felt awful. He felt terrible about hurting Melanie, not matter how sinful her intentions had been. And he felt horrible to the point of physical illness just thinking about what he had done to Emma.

The day Emma had found out, Will had come home to find the house was immaculately clean. He hadn't seen the house in such a perfect state since the early days of their marriage.

"Em?" he had called, the heavy smell of bleach and cleaning products causing his eyes to water.

He found her in the master bathroom, sobbing inconsolably as she scrubbed the shower floor. He hands were blistered and bloody, and each time her knuckles grazed the shower floor, they left a streak of blood, causing her to continue to scrub the white tile in vain. The once white cloth was nearly soaked through with blood, and Will winced as he took in the sight before him.

"Em?"

She jerked around, noticing for the first time that he was standing above her.

"Get out!" she shrieked, her voice hoarse with tears. "Get out!"

He backed up, frightened by the burning in her eyes. But after a moment, he composed himself, reaching for her trembling form. She immediately thrashed at him, her bloody hands ruining the white material of his shirt.

"Just leave!" she sobbed, pulling away from his grasp. "Just leave, and go run off to Melanie. She'll be a much better wife and mother than I could ever be!"

Will had stiffened, his head swimming as he processed Emma's words.

"Emma, no, let me explain…it's not like that…" he weakly trailed off.

"Then what is it like, Will?" she spat harshly at him, wiping her hair away from her face, leaving streaks of blood across her forehead. "Explain it to me, because to me, it seems like I just can't be enough for you. I know I have issues, Will, god damn it, I know it! Do you think it's easy for me, to feel so inadequate, day after day? Do you think it's not hard for me, never feeling like I can be enough for you or for our son? And then to hear this, and I know Melanie only told me out of spite, but it doesn't make it any better. Will, I thought you loved me. I loved you. I always loved you, even on those days it was hard for me to show it. But now I know that I'll never be enough. Never, never, never, never," she continued to successively chant the word, sobs wracking through her tiny frame.

"Emma," Will pleaded with her, crouching down beside her. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, to hold her in his arms as he had so many times in the past, but he didn't dare touch her. "I'm sorry, Emma. And I know that those words will never be enough to fix this, but I want you to know how completely sorry I am, and how much a regret this. Emma, please…"

She only continued to shriek, and Will realized that she was inconsolable. In the past, he had been her comfort, her constant when everything else was spiraling out of control. But he had betrayed that trust, and with her in this state of hysteria, he wasn't sure how he was going to pull her out.

"Emma, please," he weakly tried again, watching her rock back and forth with her knees pulled tightly to her chest.

But she was gone, and he felt just as lost as her as she continued to moan to herself, rocking and rocking against the floor.

He had never hated himself so much as he did in this moment. He had never regretted giving into his impulses so much. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have ever led himself to believe that she wouldn't be enough?

He rose, not wanting to leave her, but he was unsure if staying to watch her fall apart would be the best idea either. And someone needed to be strong for Josh.

Josh.

"Emma, where's Josh?"

She didn't answer as she began to pick at her scabbing cuts.

"Emma," he was firmer this time, his pity and sympathy for her fading as he began to panic. When she didn't respond, he took her firmly by the shoulders. "Emma, answer me now."

"In his room," she whispered, continuing to pick at her cuts. She watched the crimson blood flow thickly through the crevices in her hands. "I locked him in there. I didn't want him to see me like this…"

Will released her from his grasp, bolting out of the bathroom door and hurrying down the hall. He jiggled the knob to open the door.

"Josh!" he yelled through the barrier, pressing his ear against the door.

"Daddy!" he heard his son's panicked voice. "I want to come out now!"

"Don't worry, Josh, Daddy's going to get you out," he promised, continuing to jiggle the lock. "Can you reach up to unlock the door, Josh? You just have to turn that little part sticking out to the left."

"I don't know how, Daddy," Josh whimpered from the other side.

Will cursed under his breath, running down the steps to grab his tool box from the garage. He found his electric screw driver, immediately hurrying back up the stairs to unhinge Josh's door.

"Daddy!" Josh shrieked as ran toward his father. Will scooped the little boy up in his arms, realizing that his pants were missing.

"Josh, where are your pants?" he asked, holding the child close to his chest.

Josh pulled away, looking sheepishly at Will. "In the laundry basket…I had an accident. Mommy wouldn't come when I had to go…" he trailed off, clearly embarrassed and upset. "Are you mad at me, Daddy?"

"No, Josh, I'm not mad," he quickly assured Josh. "It's not your fault, and I promise I'm not upset. Let's get some clean pants on and then we can go downstairs and watch some TV, okay?"

His face lit up; it was rare the couple let Josh watch TV before dinner.

"Can Mommy come and watch, too?" Josh asked one he was situated in a fresh pair of pants.

Will felt as flash of panic sweep over him as he remembered Emma was still sobbing on the bathroom floor. "No, Josh, Mommy's not feeling so great right now, so it will just be you and me."

His face fell, and Will hated to see his and Emma's problems hurting their son so much. He took Josh's hand and led him down the steps. He placed in a Wiggles DVD, sitting beside Josh on the couch as the toddler began to happily sing along to the songs.

It was only a few minutes into the show when Will could not bear to sit idly for another moment. "Josh, I'm going to go up and check on Mommy, okay?"

"Can I come see her too?" Josh asked hopefully, looking up at his father with big brown eyes identical to Emma's.

Will's heart felt heavy, feeling awful that Emma was not even fit to see her own son at this point. "Not right now, Josh. You just keep watching the Wiggles, and I'll be back down shortly."

When he pushed open the bathroom door, he saw the Emma was still there, though she had calmed down considerably. She rested her head against the wall, her knees pulled tightly to her chest.

"Is he okay?" she whispered hoarsely, glancing up at Will with swollen eyes.

He nodded. "He's down watching the Wiggles." He didn't mention Josh's minor accident. It would only send Emma into hysterics once again.

He noticed her bloody hands had now dried, though the blisters and cuts still looked extremely painful.

"Let me help you clean up," he offered, surprised when she didn't put up a fit when he approached her with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide.

She winced slightly as he cleaned her wounds, but she bit her tongue to keep from screaming. He found a box of band aids in the medicine cabinet, and he gently placed them over the worst cuts.

"All better," he whispered, bringing her hand gently to his lips.

She looked up at him with a pained expression in her eyes. If only those simple words could be true.

Now, as he walked out toward his car, he turned to look at Finn.

"I've really messed up, Finn," he sighed, looking the young man in the eye as he leant against the car.

"We all make mistakes, Mr. Schue," Finn reassured him. "And you're doing the right thing now—stepping up and taking Miss Pillsbury to the hospital."

Finn always said things as they, and his simple logic comforted him.

The previous day, after watching Emma sit in bed for the better half of the day, rocking as she picked at the edges of her band aids, Will had called a psychiatrist. After explaining her condition, the psychiatrist explained that it was probably too late to merely stick her in therapy a couple times a week. She suggested that he check her into the psychiatric ward at the general hospital where they could keep a close eye on her condition as they tried to reverse the damage.

So with a shaky hand, Will had called the hospital, who suggested they check her in as soon as possible. And Will had agreed that he would bring her in the following day. In the meantime, a room would be prepared for her, and the hospital would contact their family doctor to check her files.

Emma had been surprisingly nonchalant when Will broke the news to her. Tears had filled her eyes as she nodded, but she didn't have a fit like he expected her to.

They hadn't told Josh yet. Will had called Rachel and Finn to see if it would be okay if Josh stayed for the next two days while they settled everything, and he had ended up breaking down over the phone, admitting the entire situation to the young adults who had become his closest friends.

Josh was more than excited to spend the following days with Auntie Rachie and Uncle Finn, and Will was only glad that they wouldn't need to bring Josh with them when Emma was admitted into the hospital.

"Thanks, Finn," Will told him, leaning over to give the boy a hug.

"You're doing the right thing, Mr. Schue," Finn told him again, giving him a faint smile.

Will felt morose as he drove home, realizing how upside down his world had become in just three days.

He found Emma still in bed, staring dejectedly at the peeling paint of their bedroom wall. Will had meant to repaint ages ago, but it was one of those things that just never ended up done.

He hated to see her this way, and he hated it even more that he was the reason she had fallen off the edge. She was spent; he had ruined her to the point that she couldn't even make herself fight back.

"Hey, Em," he said softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

She didn't acknowledge his presence.

"Do you want me to get you anything to eat?" He tried to remember the last time she had eaten, wondering if he should force her or not.

She shook her head, glancing down at her bandaged hands. As she began to pick at the beige strips, Will's heart broke even more.

"Well, try to get some sleep. We have a big day tomorrow," he told her, fighting the urge to wrap her in his embrace.

She nodded, continuing to pick at her band aids.

"He's going to miss me."

Will sighed heavily. He was already dreading the moment when Josh found out his mother wouldn't be coming home for a long while.

"You're doing this for him," he told her, watching as her red hair fell across her face. She still refused to look at him. "We're doing this for him. When you get back, you're going to be able to give him so much more."

She didn't say anything at first, bringing her knees to her chest. "He loves me. He loves me so much even when I don't deserve it. I just want to be able to give him even half the love he gives me…"

"You do, Em," Will quickly told her, watching her shoulders slouch as she leant her head against her knees. "You do love him—that's why you haven't given up yet. That's why we're going to make everything right. I promise, Emma, we're going to do everything to make things right."

He left after that, making himself a microwave pizza and eating it in front of the television. With Josh away at Finn and Rachel's, Will decided he'd sleep in Josh's room instead of on the couch. He didn't want to disturb Emma, and pushing aside Emma's condition, he wasn't sure exactly where their marriage stood.

He crawled under the Thomas the Tank Engine sheets, falling into a fitful slumber.

"Will." Though her voice was only a soft whisper, he awoke immediately, seeing Emma standing above him.

"What's wrong, Em?" He asked, sitting up at once.

"I can't sleep," she mumbled, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Will hesitantly reached out to place a hand on her arm, relieved when she didn't jerk away.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, leaning against his shoulder. He cautiously wrapped his arms around her body.

"What are you sorry for?" Will scolded her. "I'm the one who made a mess of things."

"But it's my fault too—and don't try to tell me that it's not. Even though I have a…problem, I should've gotten help for it years ago."

He didn't say anything at first as he continued to rock her small body in the darkness.

"I left him on purpose," she told him.

At first, her words confused him, but she continued. "Every time I said I forgot Josh at daycare, I really left him on purpose."

He confession hung in the air between them. Will waited for his anger to rise, but he couldn't be angry with her. Not now.

And somehow, if he were being honest with himself, he had always known.

"I felt awful doing it, and I still feel awful even thinking that I could do anything that horrible to my own child. I knew what I was doing was wrong—and I can't just go blame my actions on my condition. I want you to know that, Will, because," she paused her to suck in a breath, "because I forgive you. I forgive you for what you did with Melanie. I'm no better than you, Will. I've just made different mistakes than you and hurt people in different ways. And I can't just be hypocritical because I understand exactly why you did it. When you feel so low, so needy—it's a selfish feeling, really, which makes us do selfish things we ultimately regret."

He couldn't speak at first, undone by the sincerity in her words. He throat felt dry as he opened his mouth to speak—to somehow tell her that he didn't deserve his forgiveness, to tell her that he forgave her as well.

But she spoke first. "I love you. I mean that, Will. I love you despite what you did with Melanie. And I'm so sorry that it was my inadequacy that led you to feel that desperate."

"Em, please don't put the blame of my infidelity on yourself. I was perfectly aware of what I was doing, and I'm certainly not proud of my weakness. Please stop beating yourself up. Emma, we've both made mistakes, the biggest being how long we've waited to actually fully admit our weaknesses. We should've gotten things taken care of a long time ago before everything got this out of hand and hurt us both so much."

She was silent for a minute as she slipped her hand in his, the band aids on her hand rubbing against his skin.

"I'm scared to go to the hospital."

He hugged he tighter against him.

"I'm so scared, Will. I'm scared of being away from you, away from Josh. And I'm scared of not knowing how things are going to turn out…"

"I know you are," he finally told her. "But you're a strong woman, Emma. You're a strong woman for even going to get help, and I'm going to be there for you every step of the way."

The couple slid under the covers of the small bed, curling up tightly against each other, feeling whole as they held onto what little they had left.

"I love you, Will," Emma told him, burying her head in the crook of his neck. "I want you to know that, no matter what happens."

He remember saying those very words to her not so long ago. Though the phrase was cliché, it was a powerful phrase if the emotion properly back it up. And Will was ready to make those words mean the world.

"I love you, too."

XXXXXX

"I don't know what to bring, Will," Emma was on the verge of tears as she packed a small suitcase the next morning.

He didn't know what to tell her. They didn't know how long she would be staying, what she would need to stay comfortable, what the hospital would provide. "Just pack what you think is best," he eventually told her. "And I promise I'll bring anything you need if you don't decide to bring it now."

She nodded, throwing a few outfits and personal items into the bag. He watched her in silence, unsure of what to say.

The couple didn't speak on the drive to the general hospital. Emma sat with her head resting against the cool glass of the window, staring at the hazy June sky.

Once they were checked in, a nurse led them to the psychiatric ward where a doctor met them.

"You must be Will and Emma Schuester. I'm Dr. Garrison." the doctor addressed them.

Will nodded, reaching out to shake the man's hand. Emma only started at her feet.

"Meryl," the doctor turned to the nurse. "Why don't you take Emma to her room and get her situated? I need to have a word with Will."

Meryl nodded, beckoning Emma to follow her. Emma glanced at Will, a steak of panic shooting through her eyes.

"I'll be down as soon as I can, Em," he promised her, giving her a reassuring glance.

As they disappeared down the hall, Will took a moment to look at his surroundings, surprised by the mellow green paint on the wall. "I never expected it to be so…green," he spoke aloud.

Dr. Garrison chuckled. "Green is said to be the most soothing color, and most of the patients seem to enjoy it. White, cushioned walls are a thing of the past."

Will nodded, still feeling uneasy. He wondered when he'd be allowed to join Emma.

"So I just wanted to talk to you—let you know exactly what to expect in the weeks to come," Will flinched slightly at the word weeks. "First of all, we're very glad you made the decision to take your wife in. It sounds like she's been struggling with varying levels of mysophobia, depression, and anxiety for a while now. In this ward, we have various therapists to help struggling individuals with a plethora of conditions. We also have an exercise unit, an outdoor garden, and a common room for patients to interact with other patients to help enhance their recovery here. In the first week or so that Emma is here, we're going to evaluate her thoroughly and make a decision as to which treatment method would be most beneficial to her. In that time, unless she desperately needs you, we do not typically allow visitors, and the rules often remain that way even when her therapy begins. We find it best to keep her focused on recovery without outside interference because seeing family members can often lead to emotional breakdowns. And I know that this isn't going to be easy on you—and I see here that you have a three-year-old son that will be without his mother, but until we begin to make significant progress, it would be best to let Emma heal without interference."

Will swallowed hard, realizing for the first time just how much things were going to change. But he composed himself, nodding dutifully. "Thank you, Dr. Garrison. But will I be updated on her condition even though I can't have contact with her?"

"Absolutely," Dr. Garrison told him. "We can update you daily if you'd like. Of course, there will be some things that will remain confidential in Emma's therapy process, but we will be able to at least give you an update on the basics each day if that's what you'd like."

Will nodded, his head swimming. He reminded himself of Finn's words. He was doing the right thing.

The doctor led Will down the hall to Emma's room, knocking softly. Meryl opened the door, letting them in. Emma sat on a plush chair near the window.

"Look, I get to see the garden, Will," she told him, smiling fainting as she gazed out at the serene view.

He was glad this simple thing made her so happy.

He approached her, pushing away the lump in throat. "I'm going to have to leave now, Emma, and I don't know when I'm going to get to see you next. I want you to focus on getting better—don't worry about me or Josh. We'll be fine, and we have Rachel and Finn to help us out if we need anything." He paused to take in a shaky breath. "I love you, Emma. I love you so, so much."

Tears filled Emma's eyes as she gazed up at him. "I love you, too," she managed to mouth.

She looked small and helpless as Will left the room. It wasn't until he rounded the corner that he allowed the tears to spill from his eyes.

XXXXXX

Dear Emma,

I know that I'm not allowed to contact you, but somehow pretending that you're going to read this keeps me sane. I miss you so much already, and I hate not knowing how long it will be until I see you again.

I brought Josh home from Rachel and Finn's today. Of course you can guess the first thing he asked as soon as I picked him, and I felt horrible that I couldn't give it to him. Em, he just wants you, and it hurts me that as we slowly try to mend all this damage, he's going to suffer in the process.

I told him you were in the hospital. We've lied to him so much in his short three years that I thought he at least deserved to know the truth. He asked if you were sick or hurt, and I told him that you were a little bit of both. He knows that it might be a long time before we get to see you again, and right now, he's dealing surprisingly well with it. That might also be because I gave him ice cream for dinner.

Did I mention how much I miss you already?

I love you.

Will

…

Dear Emma,

I can't believe you've only been gone a week. It already feels like an eternity. Everyday, I wait for the doctors' update. They don't day much, but they do say you're doing pretty well. They say they've found a psychologist for you to talk to and that you've begun to work on some techniques to help you cope with your anxiety and mysophobia.

I'm so proud of you, Em. I know this must not be easy for you, but you're doing it. You're such a strong woman.

I love you.

Will

…

Dear Emma,

They say they've begun the tedious task of finding you the right medication. They informed me this could be quite a task between finding you the right kind and the right dosage. It scares me a little, thinking about them experimenting on you, but they assure me that once they find just right kind and amount that the benefits will be extraordinary.

Josh keeps asking about you, but he's doing well. It's nice school out, and I don't have to worry about finding him a new daycare yet. And Rachel's been more than happy to help out when I need to run a few errands.

She's getting so big now. Can you believe her due date is right around the corner? I must admit I'm excited for the birth. I'm curious to know what the gender is—I still can't believe Rachel has made it this long without finding out.

I started seeing a psychologist myself. I just wanted you to know that. I've admitted that I have problems of my own, and when you are ready to come home, I want to be as prepared as I can be. I'm not going to fall into the same bad habits again, I promise you that.

I love you.

Will

…

Dear Emma,

Rachel had the baby today after going into early labor yesterday afternoon. Josh and I just got back from visiting them at the hospital. It felt a little weird, thinking you were just a few floors away yet I wasn't allowed to go see you.

It's a girl. A beautiful, healthy girl who weighted exactly 6lbs. They named her Arabella Marie, a name fit for a star, I think. She'll be taking after both Finn and Rachel in the vocal department—she's already demonstrated that she has quite a set of pipes while screaming for Rachel to feed her.

On the way home from the hospital, Josh asked if he would ever get a little sister like Arabella. It was the sweetest thing. I told him maybe someday. Emma, that is one of my dreams, if its one of yours as well. When we get through this, I would love to expand our family.

Of course, it's just a dream right now. And I would never want to put more on you than you could handle. Your needs come before any of my desires.

I love you.

Will

…

Dear Emma,

Today was Josh's fourth birthday. We had a small party with a few of his friends from daycare. Finn and Rachel also came with Bella. I can't believe she's already a month old.

Josh got some nice new toys, and Finn and Rachel got him a karaoke machine, and though he can't read the lyrics yet, he's already catching on to the words of the songs, and he loves it. I think we might have a future singer in the family.

When I tucked Josh in for the night, I asked him what he wished for when he blew out his candles. He told me he wished that you would come home.

He misses you so much, and so do I. I can't believe that we've survived nearly two months without you. They say you're doing well. It shouldn't be long before we can see you again.

I love you.

Will

…

Dear Emma,

Less than twelve hours until I get to see you again. I almost dropped the phone when they told me you were doing well enough for visitors today. They still told me it was best to wait to bring Josh, so I told him he gets to go visit with Rachel, Finn, and Bella tomorrow. He's so excited that he didn't even ask where I am going.

I can't sleep. I keep reminding myself that I've waited this long to see you, but these last hours seem to be dragging by.

On a side note, I painted our bedroom the other day. Pale green. I chose it because I remember Dr. Garrison telling me it was a soothing color. I also find it to be a hopeful color-it reminds me of spring, and spring always brings new hope.

I love you.

Will

…

Dear Emma,

Josh can hardly contain his excitement that he gets to see you today. You've been doing great these last few visits with just me, and I'm confident that this one with Josh will go just as well.

It's been so great to see your smiling face, and I even noticed you've been styling your hair last time I went to visit. The old Emma I know is slowly coming back.

I love you.

Will.

XXXXXX

Will watched Josh sitting in his room, playing with the train set he had received for his birthday nearly a month ago now. He couldn't believe how grown up his son looked. He was beginning to look less and less like a baby and more and more like a little boy.

Will had taken him for a haircut just yesterday, and he had watched almost regretfully as his ginger curls fell to the floor.

But Will reminded himself that change didn't need to be bad, as these past few months had proven.

"Hey, buddy," Will address his son, and Josh looked up from his trains, smiling at his father. "Why don't you put your shoes on?"

"Okay," he told Will, happily complying to his father's wishes as he strapped his light up Power Ranger sandals to his feet. "Where are we going, Daddy?"

Will was going to wait and surprise him, but he was bursting with excitement as his son scrambled to his feet, reaching for Will's hand as he led him down the hall.

"We're going to the hospital. Today we get to bring Mommy home."