Complications

Dear Edward,

I'm sorry. For everything.

I know that I left you alone when you needed someone around, but I know you've seen Alice's vision. Something is coming…Someone is coming. She'll replace me and you'll realize, I'm not the one you think I am. Right now that's what I want. You need, you must realize…

I'm not the one.

She'll do the things that I couldn't and still can't.

Once again, I'm sorry. I love you, but with a different light.

You'll understand soon. Hopefully.

I miss you.

too much

I cradled my head in my hands. I had no idea what I was talking about. The thoughts in my head were too jumbled and mixed with everyone else's thoughts that comprehension was practically unattainable.

My hands twisted around the paper and threw it into the trash can. I'd spent too much time here in Maine. I wasn't in Waterville, not even close, but all the feelings and memories were returning. Edward's differences that made him shine from the rest. How he saved me from my parents, from death. He helped me from a situation I believed I'd never be able to get out of.

He made me happy.

I smiled to myself, lost in thought then sighed. My fingers clenched my hair and a scream escaped my lips. Venom sealed my eyes but did not escape. I needed to go back. I was unhappy and being alone wasn't helping at all. Neither was being in Maine where my life ended and began.

But right now, I knew that wasn't possible. She was coming. Bella was coming and she would replace me in Edward's life, in the Cullen coven. She was better for them. She would make them happy again and I couldn't fight with that. I wouldn't fight with it. I wanted Edward to be happy, even if it was without me there.

Slowly my hand reached for the phone. Just one call. Just one conversation. That's all I needed. My hand snapped back. That wasn't what Edward needed. Edward didn't need me right now. He'd gotten on fine without me. Of course, he was upset to begin with. I'd been Edward's comfort. Aside from Carlisle, I'd known Edward the longest. I'd come when life was hard for Edward, when he was second guessing himself. But after about a month, things began to get better. He started playing baseball and taking trips with the family. Sadly, he wasn't fully happy. Maybe that was because I wasn't there. No. I had to stop doing that. Just because I wanted Edward, no, I didn't want Edward. I might need him, but not want or crave.

Do I love him? Was that even a question? Of course I loved him, it was impossible not to, but what kind of love. And how sure was I that he loved me in that way? How could I even think he love me that way when Alice's vision was so clear. He was going to love someone else and she was going to be changed to better fill his needs.

My body moved from the desk and grabbed the key to the room. Maine wasn't helping. I went to the lobby and returned the key. The women at the front desk smiled and nodded, then thought of calling the cops to report a run away. I smiled to her and left. Waterville was only a few quick miles to me from here. A visit to the grave then to a new spot. Outside snow covered the ground and coldness was set to a deathly setting. The children outside were playing, building snowmen, laughing as they threw poorly made snowballs at one another. I tucked my hands into my coat pockets and set off.

My grave hadn't changed from the last time I'd been here. A part of me wanted change. I needed to know time was still moving and hadn't frozen solid from my coldness. I wanted to run, but my feet didn't want to move. My body didn't want anything to do with me, it had its mind on someone else. I need to slap myself. I wasn't going to force myself in to his life.

Julia, I do need you.

I turned quickly and became face to face with Edward.

"What are you doing here?" came out with no warning or thought.

"You act like you didn't want to see me." he smiled as he stepped forward some.

"No, I have wanted to, I do, I'm glad you here." I sighed.

"You didn't hear me coming?"

"No…are you worried or upset?" I questioned as I turned back around to look at the grave stone.

"Yes. Terrified actually. I think this human is going to be hard to work with. I don't think…I know I'm not going to be strong enough." he sighed. "I don't want to hurt anyone Julia."

"I know that Edward. You know your going to change her."

"No. I'm not, I refuse to allow that." he demanded.

"You are going to try and prove Alice wrong?" I chuckled at the thought. "You really are getting stupid." I turned to him. "Why don't you think you'll be strong enough? You never hurt me, ever. Granted I only knew you for what, a week?"

"Yes, but you never fell in love with me."

I laughed at the statement. The irony was too bitter. "Well Edward, I suppose you'll have to work on that. It will help you pass the time."

"Haha very funny, but please be serious."

I made a face. "This serious enough?" I grunted.

He smirked. "Do you think I'll hurt her?"

"I think, you might, but you won't mean too. You'll never mean to, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. No man ever means to hurt a woman…especially not one he loves." I looked up and smiled at him.

"Does that go for women too?" he questioned me.

I thought about that. "No, women mean there words almost all the time. Why?"

"Just wondering." he looked up.

"Let's walk." I encourage. There was no reason for us to be talking in a graveyard, especially not in front of my grave.

"So what are you extremely worried about Edward?"

"In thoughts of?"

"The girl."

"I'm afraid of her scent. It was easy for me with you. You cant fall in love with something you don't lust for. But she'll be different. I wont be able to control myself."

"I think you will be able." as hard as it was to say it, I did. He would, some how, be able to control himself around her. She couldn't smell that good. No ever smelt good enough for Edward to fall in love with. But who was to say that this time wouldn't be the one time.

It would be.

"I think I need to go." I sighed to him.

"You aren't going to return with me? You know Alice is dying to shop with you. Em wants to spar. Jasper wants to be calm like he always is when you're around. Esme wants to redecorate, she refuses to change any house until you come back. Carlisle needs a new apprentice. I'll need your help."

"I know. But it will be better. Right now, I need to find my place."

"Your place, is with us."

"Soon my place will be taken." I smiled. "Tell everyone I miss them."

"They'll be mad I didn't bring you."

"They'll get over it. Everyone always gets over it."

That was it. After not seeing each other in so long, we only talked about being able to control himself for her sake. Life was going to get difficult, but that was for the best. It had to be.

So, as you can see I'm still alive
and I've deleted ... all the chapters I had up.
They might ome back but they might not.
The truth is I didnt like the chapters, they werent the way I pictured the story of going.
I know its been ALONG time but I've had horrid writers block and I've been trying to help it by writing poems and such.
Thankfully my friend took me on a trip and I think I might be cured ... hopefully the disease wont come back.
So, yeah, I dont think I skipped anything.