DISCLAIMER: Crack.
AN: as the final chapter I need to leave you with enough Robet Patterson to last you FOREVER so it will be CRAZY and AMAZING and full of the hottie we all love.
CHAPTER 5
As I walked into the magnificent entrance hall of the Cullens' house, I could hear screaming.
"Edward!" a shrill voice cried, "Who is she? I'm your girlfriend!"
Edwigd was arguing with a girl I had never seen before – she probably went to my school, but she was very plain, not ugly but unremarkable, so in all probability I just hadn't noticed her. If she was Edwig's girlfriend, I couldn't imagine where she had been the whole time – maybe she fell into a plot hole on the way to his house. The roads in Forks were full of pot holes.
But I didn't have much time to worry about Hedwig and his mousy-haired girlfriend's woes, because right at that moment the guests began to arrive.
The first guy through the door sent a shiver down my spine – he was wearing a fireman's outfit. I can't tell you what kind of effect that uniform has on me since my parents' accident, but I smiled, hiding my inner torment as the fireman shook my hand and said;
"Hi – I'm Sam Peyton."
I gasped – I recognised his accent! He was from Pontypandy, my home town!
Next through the door was a girl with long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reached her mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears – she kind of looked like Amy Lee.
Several more guests turned up, including a strange man in a bow tie who seemed to appear from nowhere, a Selena, a Kenny, a skinny blonde woman, some doctors from Carlisle's hospital, another Edward (but this one wore purple and green; he was nothing like my fashion-conscious angel), a funny French guy called Hercule, an Eskimo and some kittens.
Later on, I noticed that Carlisle and Esme had disappeared (as had bow tie man) – but I wasn't worried. It was a great party, despite the loss of the bow tie (bow ties are cool). The Amy-Lee-lookalike girl was sobbing happily in a corner; I heard Hercule shouting about how he was not French (apparently he was Belgian – how were we supposed to know?); the Fireman had to go early, he was on call. Even later, bow tie man returned with a fez, which was excellent – fezzes are cool too.
I got to talking to Edwig's "girlfriend" Bella – she was very dull, and she had no understanding of English literature. I couldn't see what Edwidg saw in her.
"You know," I said, "I would make a better girlfriend for Edwina than you!"
"OMFG NOOOOO!" she said – then she jumped on me and tried to gouge my eyes out with an ineffective metaphor.
I bitch-slapped her, then she hit me over the head with a steak! Then, I cut her ear off with a lightsaber, then she cut my legs off and stuck them to my head, then a bear ate her.
Then Edward ran in, yelling;
"Stoooooop! This behaviour is highly unattractive, ladies; I expected better from you. See my effective semi-colon use."
(I wondered if Edward's colon use was as good as his semi-colon use).
Just then, the skinny blonde woman stepped into Edward's path. She had a thin, pointed bit of wood in her hand, and she seemed to be trying not to laugh.
Then Buffy staked Edward.
The end, bitches.
P.S. RIP Mary and Edward. Mary died from sheer stupidity, and Edward was staked by Buffy. They remained in separate graveyards until the great zombie uprising of 2014, when a mutant peach turned into Cthulu and destroyed the known universe.
P.P.S. The bear is content.
P.P.P.S. Happy bear.
FINAL NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: We admit it, this was a trollfic. Total crack. We had great fun writing it at 4AM, especially the last part. We hope you had fun reading it.
Please flame, we could do with a laugh.
Special thanks to Tara Gilesbie.