A/N: You may have noticed this is not to be taken seriously. It's light, mostly personal humour that got me through an exam, nothing more.
I own nothing.
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Sodapop ordered Two-Bit, the Mirror of Everlasting Truth, from eBay. He knew that once it arrived, it would surely tell him he was the more beautiful. Because he was. He was certain of it. In fact, he didn't even need a mirror to tell him that. Nope. Not at all.
Still, it did not hurt to be reassured of one's merits, and so Sodapop waited the six-to-eight-weeks for the delivery of Two-Bit in growing anxiety. He tricked Ponyboy's friend Johnny, who was scared of him, into dying Ponyboy's hair blonde instead of just shampooing it, but unfortunately the colour actually suited him. That made Sodapop mad. He couldn't pull off that shade.
Anyway, six to eight weeks later Two-Bit the magic mirror arrived. By this time the kingdom had fallen into disarray, as Sodapop had not been influencing Darry to make any decisions and Ponyboy had been trying to tell his oldest brother to "use his best judgment". Darry had demolished a hospital as he thought it was putting his people in pain. He did not think about the benefits, but then, Darry rarely thought.
Sodapop had ordered Ponyboy to bring the mirror down to his Basement of Evil, as he himself felt far too royally awesome to stoop as low as carrying something heavy. Ponyboy didn't look so nice once he had sweat pouring from his body. Mwahahaha.
Ordering Ponyboy from his chambers with a great flourish that made Sodapop feel far more important than he actually was, the unofficial dictator of the kingdom pulled the coverings from Two-Bit's glassy surface. He gazed upon it, noting how the frame rather resembled scrunched up old issues of Playboy. He smoothed one of the sheets out, and discovered that indeed, it was scrunched up centerfolds of various porn magazines, though not the very good ones, the cheap ones like Zoo (Australian reference, readers don't get 'em), stuck onto a cheap steel sheet. But Sodapop did not care about the strange looking mole on Miss October's thigh. He cared about the mirror.
Instead of seeing his own gorgeous reflection in the mirror, Sodapop looked on a stoned looking guy who seriously needed to be recommended a barber – his sideburns were ridiculous. Still, Sodapop was not going to point this out. He needed this mirror to compliment him. Yes, he was what one might describe as desperate.
"Well, good morning, good looking," the mirror drawled. "You need a date?"
Sodapop screwed up his nose in distaste. "Judging by the literary content surrounding you, O Mirror, I would have believed you are more inclined to those who are… slightly larger in the chest department." No way was Sodapop going to destroy his class by making any lewd comments… at least, not with company, he wasn't.
Two-Bit the mirror sighed. "Yeah, but when you're 2D and haven't had a date in eons, I just want something that has red blood cells," he said. "I'm really lonely."
"Don't care," said Sodapop prissily. "Mirror mirror, covered in porn, who is the prettiest this fair morn?"
"This fair morn, it ring true, none in the kingdom has skin soft as you."
Sodapop glowed. He did moisturize, after all. It only made sense he was the more fair. Ha, stupid Ponyboy, probably up in his room literally wiping the sweat from his body! That sure showed him!
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The next day, Sodapop was just putting Ponyboy's childhood fluffy toy in the fireplace and enjoying the smell of artificial dye burning when he saw Ponyboy come out from his chamber. He had clearly copied his clothes from Lady Gaga, and it was just last week Sodapop had seen Rachel sporting the exact same hairstyle on Glee, but somehow, infuriatingly, he managed to pull it off! How did he do it? How the hell could he do that?"
Sodapop let out a furious shriek, totally losing it and throwing Darry's morning martini into the wall. He knew he'd get away with it: the castle staff let him do anything so long as he blamed it on the ADHD, and Darry was too damn stupid to realize his martini was gone for a few hours anyway. Ponyboy wasn't though, and he knew exactly how Sodapop used ADHD as an excuse to be naughty (not in that way, freaks!), so he realized at once that something had pissed Sodapop off bad. He blinked at him with those stupid large, innocent eyes, and Sodapop screamed so high that he shattered Darry's morning cup of coffee. Darry looked at the cup handle stupidly, wondering where the rest had gone and wondering where the burning sensation originated at. But Sodapop was not in a mood to do anything about that.
He stormed out of the dining hall, down to his room where Two-Bit was located. Ripping off the sheet he had put there to stop Two-Bit ogling him and his red blood cells while he dressed, he cried in a very high voice, "Mirror mirror, covered in porn, who's the prettiest this fair morn?"
And Two-Bit replied, "As true as it is that you have not bathed yet, the prettiest is the one that yesterday was covered in sweat."
Sodapop's chest heaved with fury, and the tantrums started. He began hurling things into the wall, screaming obscenities, pretending the objects he threw were Ponyboy's head. Sodapop was no stranger to murder; he had, after all, killed his father, but only because he had asked for it. But now, it was different. No one could be handsomer than him. No one. This time, it was personal.
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A/N: You know you need a life when you start rhyming "porn" with "morn".