A/N: Further warning for jokes about people with germ phobias. No offence intended. I have a phobia too and I do know in reality it's very hard to deal with.

X X X X

"So, what exactly is it you wish to do?" asked Ponyboy sweetly as he followed Steve out of the horrendously dilapidated castle. Darry was too stupid to collect taxes to fix it, and any taxes Sodapop collected went into his David Bowie shrine. Sodapop loved David Bowie.

"Oh, we're just going to collect some… things for my, er, clinical study," Steve finished lamely. He was speaking from behind a surgeon's mask, for as a misophobic, Steve was absolutely terrified of germs. He never went outside, but he made an exception this time, as Sodapop was his best friend – yet another thing his shrink classified as a "crazy symptom". His shrink did not like Sodapop.

Steve had been asked to take Ponyboy out into the woods to kill him. His cover story would be that he was collecting dirt samples to study the germs in them. Steve's motto was "know thy enemy".

Ponyboy took in all the wonders of the world around him. As they went further from the castle, his heart grew freer and more pronounced with the utmost purity he had been bestowed with in his ecstasy induced birth. Soon he could not but help grazing petal soft fingers against petal soft flowers, and even the great trees seemed to sway with the power of his wonderfulness.

In fact, Ponyboy felt so good he just had to let it out. And what better way to let it out then to just… sing… "The hills are alive with the sound of music…" he began.

"ARRRRGGHH!" Steve yelled, spinning and grabbing Ponyboy's head, slamming his jaws together. "Do you have any idea how many germs can be released from your throat and lungs when you sing?" he hissed.

Not feeling quite so wonderful and pure now, Ponyboy was a little subdued as Steve released him and went to wash his hands in a nearby brook. He decided against singing again, which disappointed him as he had the entire soundtrack to Grease memorized in preparation for this outing. Ponyboy was the most humble, modest person in all of the kingdom Tulsa, but even he knew he had a singing voice like a box of Ferrero Rocher.

They walked and walked, further and further into the woods. Ponyboy began to worry about Darry; it was nearing time for lunch and he had to get back and make sure Darry knew the difference between fork and knife.

Steve finally stopped. "I'm afraid you must stay here," he said solemnly. "You will surely be overcome with germs by the end of the day, and die. I have been told to kill you here, as none may be more beautiful than the prince, but I know you shall die shortly, and have no need of my assistance in that regard. Prince Sodapop is too ADHD to have listened in class to the health risks of being left in the forest, alone…"

Steve wandered off into the bushes, still mumbling to himself. Alone now, Ponyboy wrung his hands in trepidation. As the narrator of a famous book that would one day become over five thousand stories on a website for amateur writers with not enough creativity to create their own characters, he knew he possessed Main Character Immortality, unlike those poor suckers Johnny and Dally and to a lesser not-quite-canon extent Soda, so he was not entirely afraid. However, Ponyboy knew authors did not like him much, and many gained much pleasure from putting him in uncomfortable, dangerous, or painful situations. Thus, Ponyboy wrung his hands in trepidation.

Well, as long as he was young and there was no Steve hanging off him, he might as well sing. He decided not to sing some stupid Julie Andrews song this time. He sang some off little song about sexy bitches as he skipped through the forest, never a thought as to where he was going. After all, he had Main Character Immortality. He was the one person in the entire Realm of Fandom who could actually afford to play in traffic.

As he moved further and further into the forest, he began to notice something. The beat of the song was no longer imaginary. He could hear it, coming through the trees. Someone was having a party!

If there was one thing young Ponyboy liked, it was a party. All the lights and sounds, and the pretty boys and girls in pretty outfits, the food, the atmosphere… He supposed it had something to do with being conceived by ecstasy pills.

He skipped towards the sound of the song. As he broke the trees, he spied the largest house he'd ever seen. It was bigger and better than Castle Tulsa, which was actually fairly small and run-down. This house had a fountain in the front. As Ponyboy approached, he realized it was a fountain of beer.

The fountain made a choking sound, then spurted a huge stream of beer up into the sky. Ponyboy clapped his hands in glee. "Oh my!" he cried. "It's literally a beer blast!" He simply couldn't wait to explore the rest of that wonderful, wonderful house.

X X X X

A/N: I'd update my other fic, but I have loads of homework I wasn't able to do on the weekend because I busted my spine. Now it's all bruised from the chiropracting I got… So I'm way behind on homework, I wanted to update something and my other fic requires too much thought and therefore time. Sorry.

Also sorry to FFN authors. That reference to you was mostly a reference to me.