-Twenty-Five Days-

A Psychonauts Christmas Fanfic by Digitaldreamer

Day Twenty: A Very G-Men Christmas

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So I have six drabbles to write in two days, not counting Christmas itself.

...This should be interesting.

So right, here's the first chapter of my panicky"Oh-God-I-Am-Three-Days-Behind!" update day. I'm not sure how well it came out...just remember to follow the rule one much always follow when reading G-Men quotes, it must be in monotone.

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"I am a grieving widow. Why God why?"

The G-men's monotone chorus of grief rang through the graveyard in a certain, rather twisted area of the suburbs. The tall men in their typical trenchcoats wandered in front of gravestones, carrying long-wilted flowers and playing air guitar with them. They were still looking for the milkman, and they still didn't know where he was.

As the "widows" continued their grieving, a lone rainbow squirt happened past, humming to herself as she skipped along.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the..." She trailed off as she happened past the graveyard, pausing to watch the G-men "grieve". Now, this rainbow squirt was rather new, and wasn't quite yet initiated to what exactly was going on there in suburbs. Thus, she was incredibly puzzled, and this time she decided to voice her puzzlement.

"Why are you trying to play guitar with those flowers?"

"I am a grieving widow." A G-man explained simply.

"You've been grieving for a month straight now. Don't you ever have to...you know, go to the bathroom?" The rainbow squirt asked.

"I wish my loved one were not dead and in the ground, but here and alive." The G-man said.

The rainbow squirt cocked her head to the side, large eyes blinking in confusion. "I don't see why you're so sad...I mean, Christmas is coming soon!"

At this the G-man paused in his "grieving", blinking in confusion as well. "Christmas?"

"Yeah! You know, the holidays? Gift-giving, family, food, Santa Clause?" The rainbow squirt asked.

The G-man stared at her for a moment. Then his head opened up and several microphones popped out. "Tell me more of this...Christmas."

And so, the Rainbow Squirt, apparently oblivious to the microphones, began to talk.

A few hours later found that particular G-man wandering the sidewalks with a Santa hat placed upon his head, ringing a bell as he walked along.

"What are you doing? You are a grieving widow. You are supposed to be wishing that your loved one were still alive." A road crew worker said, walking over.

"No, I am not a grieving widow." The first G-man stated. "I am a sidewalk Santa Clause. By merely standing here and waving this bell, I make others feel guilty and donate useless pocket change. I wear a rental suit that smells of ham and vomit. I really wish I had graduated so I could do something with my life beyond standing on this street corner waving a bell. I spread Christmas Cheer."

"...Christmas?" The road crew worker repeated, confused as well. "What is this...Christmas?"

And so the story was spread to the road crew workers, whom then spread it to the sewer workers, whom then told it to the hedge trimmers, and soon enough the entirety of the secret agents had been informed of this mysterious "Christmas" business. Thus, in hopes to blend in a bit more, the G-men all changed their roles for these..."holidays", as they were called.

"I am a Christmas tree." One G-man declared, wielding a pine branch as if it were a cutlass. "I smell much like the air fresheners hung in cars. My branches are uneven. I seem to be shedding needles. I am too pointy. Soon, a family may come, chop me down, and take me to sit in their living room to die a slow death."

Another G-man rushed past this one, wearing an empty shopping bag. "I am a last minute shopper. Why oh why did I wait until now? Though I have had ample time to find gifts, I have procrastinated, and now find myself panicking. The mall is a nightmare on Christmas Eve. That salesworker lady has large breasts. I do not particularly care for the holidays, but I must find objects to offer to my loved ones out of social obligation."

Several G-men were gathered at street corners, waving their carol booklets as if they were wings. "We are Christmas Carolers. Jingle bells, jingle bells. Though many of us are tune deaf, we continue to spread Christmas cheer. Most citizens find us to be aggravating, but this is because they do not have Christmas spirit. Many of our songs are religious. The lyrics are ';round yon virgin', not 'Ronjohn Virgin'. Though we cannot feel our toes, our hearts are warm. Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la."

Meanwhile, the housewife G-men were hard at work, cooking at top speed. "I am making pie. The holidays are a stressful time. I really wish someone would give me a hand. I am likely to only receive dollar store jewelry and chocolates for Christmas yet again. Though I remain unappreciated, the holidays are still a time for family and friends."

A few of the rainbow squirts wandered the streets at this time, appearing positively baffled as they passed a "street Santa" mumbling in monotone.

"What...what's going on?" One of them squeaked.

"It seems...yet another one of THE SECRETS has been released to THEM!" Another shrieked.

The rainbow squirts all gave simultaneous screams. After a few moments they all quieted again and just stood there.

"...What are THE SECRETS, anyway?" One rainbow squirt finally asked.

Another shrugged.

"Come, sisters! The Den Mother already has the cookies...we must bring...THE MILK!" A rainbow squirt declared. The little girls all gave cries of agreement and began their march back to their mistress.

Sure, those creepy guys in trenchcoats were scary, but they had other things to worry about. Like protecting the milk.

And so the G-men continued their preparations and celebrating of their first holiday ever without incident. Well, except for that one housewife G-man who finally snapped and attacked a Hedgeworker-turned-Christmas-Tree, but we aren't supposed to talk about that.

After some time of this holiday business, a lone sewer worker was seen walking down the street, a pile of gifts in hand.

"Where are you going?" A Street Santa asked.

"I am going to the Sewer Worker Union Christmas Party." The Sewer Worker explained. "I do not enjoy these parties, but I must go anyway to show my support of the union."

"Oh. Well, ho ho ho, Merry Christmas." The Street Santa said dully as he spoke into his bell like a microphone.

The Sewer Workers all gathered on a random street corner, where a table had been set out and piled with pies, as that was all the housewife G-men actually knew how to make. Various G-men stood around conversing with each other in monotone.

"I hope to leave as soon as possible. I would not want to miss Desperate Housewives." One declared.

"Yes, agreed. The food is bad, I am glad I ate fattening fast food before I came." Another stated.

It was then that a third Sewer Worker popped in, carrying two gifts. "Hello, fellow sewer workers. Though you both smell of excrement, you still deserve my respect, and thus I bought you both presents."

"Hurray." Both G-men said dully, taking their gifts. With mechanical movements they both opened them, revealing half of a computer keyboard and a bent beer can respectively.

"Oh, thank you. It is lovely." The first said.

"Yes, I do love my gift. My excitement makes the ridiculous amount of money wasted on it all worth it." The second stated.

"Yes, indeed. Now let us eat, drink, and be merry."

And so all the G-men, the Street Santa's, the Christmas Trees, the Last-Minute Shoppers, and even the Hosuewives, sat down for their holiday meal of pie. They all particularly enjoyed the rhubarb pie, in spite of it being a controversial pie flavor. More gifts were given, and there were monotone exclamations of excitement, happiness, and...love all around.

Thus, the first G-men Christmas came to pass. It was a...holly, jolly Christmas. Sort of.

And in the words of the Tiny Tim G-man,

"God bless us, everyone."

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To Be Continued...