Finding Myself: Maximum Ride, Chapter 8

Let's review how bored I am, shall we?

I am so bored, I have sung the 99 bottles of beer song, then changed the lyrics to juice, soda, water, lemonade, and slushies.

Then my voice ran out.

So here I lay, after beating up Dylan that day, in my bed at midnight. I'm making poetry, that's how bored I am.

Finally, unable to stand it any longer , I got up out of my bed and opened my window seat door, out into my personal private upstairs patio.

Well, at least as private as you can get with flying bird kids.

Oh well.

Standing up on the patio, surrounded by a beatiful full moon and dark sky, I barely had time to soak it in before beginning to bawl uncontrollably.

Tears ran down my face, soaking my silk tanktop and even dripping on my basketball shorts.

Yeah, I know, weird pajama's. But who cares?

Wind swirled around me like my own personal tornado, whipping my tangled hair and soaked top around like a washer on tumble cycle.

Why I am crying?

Midnight reminded me of Fang, and how I missed him, thus setting off a chain reaction on how much I missed Fang, and loved him.

And, yes, now I will admit that.

Climbing up on the Patio ledge I sat down, only to cry some more.

See, this time it reminded me of us sitting on the fishing dock, him holding my hands, then me streaking away into midnight.

What I wouldn't give for the old, uncomplicated relashionship.

Shaking my fist at the moon I screamed, some how finding my voice again.

" I loved him, okay? I admit it! I did love him! I DO love him. I loved him, I loved him, I LOVED HIM!"

I screamed those words like a curse, almost like in the Peter Pan movie where Tink dies, and they all shout,

"I do believe in fairies! I do! I DO!"

But in my case it was too late, and I screamed it one more time before collapsing sideways on the ledge, voice winding out, again, like a dying animal.

I didn't want to get up and walk away. I couldn't. I really couldn't. I just lay there strength leaking from my body, being replaced my sheer misery.

This feeling wasn't like any other I had truly felt before.

Even when Fang had kissed me, and I had run away, alone and scared, I knew I still had two choices: to let myself give in, or to pretend it never happened.

But this, I couldn't have even one choice.

It was right then that I vowed never to love anyone, even Fang, ever again. I swore that into the starry night, my voice flying with the wind so all who listened could hear it.

I slowly let all my emotions, even the happy ones, go. I let them pour out of me like a bucket with holes, never to be filled again.

I let all of it go, until I lay there, an empty shell in a ledge, totally out of feeling. I was beyond that. Those types of things were for naive little kids, and it was time for me to let them up.

Thoughts along the lines of; But what I Fang comes back soon, and tells you he made a mistake and he loves you and never wants to leave you? Ran through my head, but I found it hard to focus on them.

I was so beyond caring now.

Laying there in the blackness, even the feeling of misery slowly leeching out of my body; I heard soft footsteps, padded by slippers.

Normally, I would at least attempt to hide my feelings from the flock, but now I just lay there, hoping that the earth would open me up and swallow me inside it, forever.

"Max?" came a questioning voice, one so tender and sweet, yet the one of my deathbed.

I groaned softly to let him know I heard him, but went right on crying.

He walked over to me, and touched my shoulder. I shivered and withdrew.

He, taking that as I didn't want him to touch me walked away, but came back presently with a blanket which he wrapped me up in like a baby, cradling my head.

He walked me over to my bed where he lay me down, tucked the covers up to my chin, then sat by me slowly but surely patted my head tenderly.

"I had some good news, but I guess it can wait." he said. "Unless, you want to hear it?"

I said nothing, but quietly stopped crying, listening to the sound of heavy breathing.

Dylan took that as a yes, and went on softly, as if talking to an infant.

"I was up on the roof, because I couldn't sleep, and was stargazing with my super eyesight, and looking at the moons of Saturn, which are lovely this month when I suddenly saw Fang, flying in the direction of Texas. I almost called out to him, only to foolishly remember that I was real far away from him. But I saw him, Max! So now, if you want to, we can go get him. But it's up to you."

"I don't care." I whispered sullenly, my voice almost devoid of any emotion other than that.

"I just don't care."

"Max," he said, as if trying to get my attention.

"This is Fang we're talking about." he repeated, before quietly almost unbearable even with my raptor hearing muttering, "Not me."

"What's wrong with you?" I snapped, tired of him always talking down on himself.

But then again, maybe I should cut him a break once in a while, just like I should've with Fang too.

And maybe the Cupid of love is real too.

"What do you mean, what's wrong with you?" he asked repeating my very words.

"That's just it," I told him. "Nothing."

"Nothing." I heard him repeat. "Does this mean..?"

Before I could say no, I felt the pressure of his lips on mine, and had no heart to push him away. So we lay there, kissing each other into the night, before he got up and slowly backed away when he thought I was asleep.

"I love you." was the last I heard from him.

I love you. The very words I wanted to say to Fang, and hear them said with the feeling I no longer possess back.

But my promise held me back, and I knew that now there would not only be awkwardness between me and Fang, but Dylan as well.

My life just keeps getting better.

But if by better you mean waking up and having heck exploded on you, than yes that is my better future.