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Disclaimer: We own tickets for the best music festival in the world. However, we don't own Twilight and its characters. Go figure.

Chapter 19 – I just rolled and I tumbled

Cause I just rolled and I tumbled, down a long road, I stumbled
While shooting in the dark as to what's best
And finally, I found you - without ever learning how to
(M. Ward - Epistemology)

"Oh, it's a pleasure talking to you again! I am glad that you seem to have recovered quickly."
"-"
"Are there any additional questions about the annual audit? I really hope Mr. Cullen wasn't too disappointed I couldn't help him with his request the other day. But as you know, we are bound to -"
"You talked to Edward Cullen?"
"Um-"
"What about?"
"He was looking into some money transfers, a foreign payment if I recall that properly."
"Iceland?"
"Ah, yes! Now that you mention it, it was Iceland, I am sure."

Edward Cullen

I stared intensely at the back of the sofa, inspecting the fabric closer than any human being should, until I heard the bathroom door open and close with a soft click.
Bella was now wearing my shirt.
I couldn't see it, but my imagination was very much intact. My shirt must be falling loosely over her body, ending mid-thigh, leaving the majority of her legs bare.
I had been about to search for some pants in my mess of clothing, but before I could have a proper look, she had already disappeared into the bathroom. Eager to wear my shirt, I internally joked and smirked a bit at the thought.

She tiptoed across the room, her feet making cute little noises on the tiles.
I concentrated harder on the single green fibres of the sofa, just to keep myself from turning around and ogling her. What the hell was wrong with me? Couldn't I give her some privacy at least?

It was just that I couldn't help the constant curiosity I felt towards her.
During the evening we had talked more than we ever did before, but so many questions were left unanswered, so many things were still unsaid. We avoided the topic that was us altogether. I couldn't even say I was ready to discuss any of it, but I needed to know her thoughts on everything. On what we had. What was buzzing between us.

And now all my senses were alert, tiredness and exhaustion gone for the moment.
Bella and I were sleeping in the same room. A room she offered to me willingly. Not the same sheets, not the same bed, but it felt very intimate nonetheless.
Even more so, when Bella turned the lights out and a comforting darkness fell around us.

We said our quiet goodnights and I heard Bella fumble with the blanket for a moment, before complete silence filled the room.
It didn't last long.
"Edward?" Her voice was already thick with sleep, but an urgency in her tone indicated the obvious importance that her next words might hold.
I was eager to hear them. My hopes were rising, thinking that the anonymity of the darkness might have increased her courage to say something more... private.
"Yes," I encouraged, trying to sound optimistic.
A tension hung in the air until a few seconds later she asked the most basic question of all. One I wasn't yet prepared for.
"Why did you kiss me?"

A need overwhelmed me.
Lust took possession of my body.
A desire to feel those beautiful lips on mine threatened to kill me from the inside, if I didn't follow its orders.
I care so much about you that I needed physical confirmation that you were alright.

I pressed my palm against my forehead, willing those dumb explanations to go away. All of this sounded beyond wrong. There was no simple answer. None that would explain it to her in the right way. But she waited for me to offer a response. One I couldn't give but had to if I wanted this thing between us to go anywhere. Someone had to take the first step. Put himself out there. Be brave.
I turned on the sofa, facing her, but not seeing anything due to the all consuming darkness of the room.
"I can't really give a rational reply, Bella. You looked so ravishingly beautiful that morning." I mumbled the words, my incapability once again about to ruin everything. "No, that didn't come out quite right. Always. You always look beautiful. Enchanting."
Another exhale, another wasted breath.
"But that's not the only reason, of course. What you did for me on that day can't really be put into words. I was almost broken, the day from hell behind me, an uncertain future before me. And there you were, believing in me. Helping me. Being the hope I craved for so desperately. Your warmness and your ability to just believe and be yourself was the most precious gift. But everything else is beyond what I can explain. I feel very protective of you."
I paused, letting the words sink in.
"Obviously, kissing you that day wasn't really a protection. Quite the opposite, I guess."
I shifted my weight, lifted my head and rested it on my propped up hand.
"But is it really so wrong of me to want to kiss you? I still want that, you know." I breathed a little shaky laugh. "Frequently."

Silence.
Wasn't that enough? Or did I scare her? What now? Why didn't she say anything?
"Bella?"
More silence.
"Bella, please, can you say something? It's okay if you don't... I mean, if I said something that offended you, I'm sorry."
A little snore interrupted the silence.
"Are you sleeping?"
I sat up on my sofa, trying to make out her curled-up form on the bed.
"You can't be serious!" I quietly cursed, running a hand through my hair. The silhouette of her body rose and fell rhythmically with her breathing. She was indeed sound asleep.
I stood and stalked over to her bed, determined to wake her and tell her everything again if I had to. This uncertainty was getting to me. It was one of those now or never situations.

I knelt beside her, about to shake her shoulders to wake her, when I looked into her angelic face. Peaceful. Content. Even a small smile on her lips.
Pale circles of light illuminated her face through the curtain-less window, a beautiful pattern of shadows and light on her flawless face.

I traced a line with my hand on her soft cheek and slowly put some hair behind her ear.
Maybe this wasn't the right time for declarations of any kind. Maybe we needed to put this whole thing behind us and get past all those crimes and lies first. Maybe this needed some grand gesture.
And maybe I was looking for excuses to not wake her and spill my confessions.
But there definitely were too many things that still stood between us. Her stolen car only one of them. I needed to fix this first, get everything right for her before we could talk about what we did or didn't have. I sighed again, watching her sweet face for some more minutes, before I got up and shuffled back to the sofa.
I let myself fall down on top of the blanket, any thoughts of sleep banned from my mind.
"You have no idea what you do to me, Bella," I muttered, burying my face in my hands. How we even got this far was beyond me.

"Edward?"
I jumped, the sweet sleepy voice startling me to the bones.
"Are you awake?" I raised my head to look at her bed again, not able to see anything clearly.
"Edward," she said again, more desperate this time.
I rushed over to my former position, kneeling by her side, the despair in her voice and my name on her lips enough to make me crumble right next to her. She was asleep and her eyes were still firmly closed, the long, dark lashes lying peacefully on her cheeks.
Bella was a sleep-talker.
I smiled to myself. It was my name on her lips and her unconscious mind calling out to me. It made my heart swell with happiness that wasn't justifiable. Not rationally anyway.
The crease on her forehead deepened further and her small nose wrinkled as if she was in pain. I raised my hand to caress her soft skin once again, but froze mid-movement, when the next words left her mouth.
"Edward, stop! Jacob helps..."
Louder this time, almost angry. And as always I seemed to be the recipient of her anger. Even in her dreams. And what did Jacob have to do with this? Did she mean Detective Black? What the hell was his role in her dreams?
She fisted the sheets in her hand and pressed her head further into the pillow as if to hide from something. Or someone. Me?
I sank back onto my heels, watching her face.
"Everything will be alright, Bella," I whispered in her direction. "You don't have to be afraid. Not of me."
Her fist unclenched a bit, but the wrinkles wouldn't go away. Should I wake her, free her from whatever dream she had? I decided against it and did the only thing I was sure of in my life: I hummed a song.

I sat by her side the whole night through, leaning against the bedside table and stroking her hand from time to time in slow patterns, praying she wouldn't wake and discover my pathetic self.
When her breathing slowed during the early morning hours and a peaceful sleep seemingly overtook her body, I crawled back to my makeshift bed and pretended that there might be a slight chance for me to find some sleep at last.
There wasn't any.

It was 6:30am when Bella woke. I was determined to keep my eyes closed, not yet ready to face her, although I had prepared myself the whole night for the confrontation we weren't able to avoid for much longer. But as her tiny naked feet patted across the tiles, my curiosity got the best of me. I opened my eyes.

She was looking right at me.
"You're awake," she stated and immediately fumbled with my shirt that looked much more beautiful on her body than I had imagined the other day.
I wondered if she remembered anything of last night; if she was aware of the words I had said, the things I had done, but I couldn't bring myself to ask. If she did, it was her turn now and if she didn't, it was wiser to just keep the pathetic shit to myself.
"Yeah, I am," I answered and sat up on the sofa, throwing the blanket to the side.
"Well, I better...," she began, waved towards the bathroom and turned around just to disappear behind the bathroom door.

This had been awkward.
I ran a hand through my hair, pulling the strands a little too hard.
Our relationship was right where it was before last night. Bella seemed calm and so sure of what she was doing, while my whole view of the world seemed to have changed in between a few days.

I didn't even think about what kind of pain a relationship could provide and ignored the images I had of my broken mother after she had lost everything.
I just wanted it. Everything. Last night I wanted to hold her and be held. I wanted to kiss her forehead affectionately before I would capture her lips in a passionate kiss.
And Bella? What did she feel? Did she feel anything at all? I had no clue. None whatsoever.

Sometimes I thought she might want it too. But other times it seemed like it was all about finishing her story and I was her friend or her brother at best.

But I knew I wanted more. The pull I felt towards her didn't lessen, it only grew over time. It was so strong that my fingers constantly twitched to touch her and feel her warm skin under mine.
Although this scared me, there was nothing I desired more than to act on it.

Soon, I promised myself. As soon as we were back in England. I had to try at least.

I grabbed a couple of things from my bag and waited for Bella to return so I could use the bathroom.

She came out after what seemed like an eternity and gave me another curious glance when I passed her on my way into the ensuite bathroom.
We needed to get past this state of awkward looks and pathetic conversation. It was unnerving. If she told me to go to hell it would be okay. I could do that. I could leave her to live a happy life. But this uncertainty was breaking me slowly and steadily.

I showered, brushed my teeth, slipped into yesterday's clothes and tried to flatten the mess on my head with my hands. It was useless as always.
A brush on the small shelf under the mirror caught my interest. Bella's long brown hair was unmistakably visible between the bristles.
I took it to comb my hair, but paused before I got to it. She wouldn't mind me using it, would she? I knew women could get furious with stuff like that. I eyed the object of interest for a moment longer, before I remembered something.

"You know, you could've asked!" she had said.

"Bella?" I called through the closed door. "Would you mind if I used your brush?"

A moment of silence was followed by her soft answer: "No, go ahead. I don't mind."
I smiled, thoroughly satisfied and watched as her brush smoothed out my mess of hair in the mirror.

When I was happy with it, I hurried out of the slightly foggy bathroom and over to Bella, who was arranging our room-serviced and delicious-looking-breakfast on the small table in front of the sofa.

She immediately noticed me behind her and turned around, looking at her brush in my hand.
"Thanks for asking," she mumbled.
"I am able to learn from my mistakes," I replied smugly, while she inspected the brush, I had handed over to her, a little closer.
"There is some hair of you-"
"Oh shit, I'm sorry, give It back to me, I'm cleaning it up."
"No!" Her eyes lifted to mine. "I like it. Your hair, I mean. It has such a unique, beautiful colour." The blood flooded to her cheeks and she was about to turn away, when her glance shifted further up to my hair. A giggle escaped her lips.
"What did you do to your hair? It's so... un-you!"
"I don't know? I guess, I brushed it." I shrugged, a little uncomfortable by her comment. Was un-me good or bad? And the fact that she liked the colour of my hair was not missed.
"The brushing obviously doesn't suit you."
Without hesitation Bella raised her hand up to my head and ruffled through my neatly tamed mess.
My eyes closed involuntarily to the familiar feeling of her hand in my hair. Even a soft moan might have escaped me as her fingers trailed along my sideburns, past the too scruffy jaw and eventually left my face completely.
"There. All better." She grinned up at me, before her cheeks flushed an even darker shade of red and she turned to arrange the sandwiches once more.
I wasn't able to say anything at all.

As it turned out, Bella had everything planned out already. Directions to the next car rental service all written down, room service ordered and a couple of sandwiches, eggs, apples and sweets packed in a small bag to take away on our trip.

We didn't talk much and certainly about nothing I wanted to hear.
Soon after, we were sitting in a taxi that took us and a couple of necessities to the car rental service.
We pulled into the parking lot and Bella handed the driver a few notes and slipped out of the door as soon as the tires stopped moving.

"Do you guys want to book this week's couple-special? It allows the both of you to drive with almost no extra costs and full assurance for you folks and the car. If you take the single rate, only one of you is allowed to drive, except in an emergency."
The salesperson eyed me expectantly and pushed the documents over the counter in my direction, assuming I was responsible for those kind of decisions.
But it was clear anyway. No need to spend more of Bella's money than necessary.
"I think the single rate will do, thank you." I grabbed a pencil from its holder and began to read the form when I sensed Bella's narrowed eyes fixed on mine.
"So you don't want to drive, Edward? That is odd since your hobby is to drive around as you once told me."
The eyes of the salesperson shifted towards her. As did mine.
"Well, of course I intend to drive, but you don't have to drive. We don't need to spend the extra money."
She huffed in annoyance, her shoulders slightly shaking and I was wondering what I did wrong this time. Wasn't it in her interest to save money? It was bad enough that she had to pay for this in the first place.
I mentally made a list of how much money I had to return once we were back home when her little fist made contact with the counter.
"Jesus Edward, this is so typical. Did you get the message that I'm going to pay for that car? Doesn't that fact entitle me to be the driver? I think it does. But you're right. We take the single rate since I'm driving. I alone. I'm not even sure you can drive a real car since your fancy vehicle does all by itself. I bet you don't even have to push a button for the wipers when it's raining."
"Yeah actually they have sensors for-", I began, but Bella grabbed the documents from under my palm and tried to snatch the pen out of my hand. "What the hell are you doing?"
"I'm going to rent us the damn car. Give me the pen."
"No, wait, I'm not going to let you drive!"
"You won't let me? Are you serious, Edward? Do you ever listen to yourself?"
"I didn't mean it like that. What I meant is that I can very well drive myself and you don't have to-"
Bella ignored me completely and turned towards the confused salesman.
"I'm sorry Mister, do you have another pen for me? I have to excuse my friend, he is-"
"Please, listen to me, Bella. Why do we always have to argue? Here, you can have the pen." I stretched my hand towards her, the pen presented openly on top of my palm, but she just continued to glare at me.
"Because you are arrogant, stubborn and rich and you're driving me nuts. That's why."
"Rich? Because I'm rich? You are driven by prejudices? Right now I don't have anything. Not a fucking penny."
I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried to calm down, while Bella watched me expectantly.
"Fuck," I cursed after a second and slammed the damn pen onto the counter.
The fact that she wouldn't let me drive her around and take care of her made me angry. And that something as unimportant as money was even worth an argument even more so.
But most of all, it hurt that Bella still saw me as an arrogant, rich idiot. She made her point: I had to back the hell off. I turned on my heels, leaving her to fill out the form. This argument was over, even if I had lost it. I was getting tired. Tired of arguing and tired of fighting. I was physically and mentally exhausted.

As I reached the parking lot, where the rental cars were all lined up, the sun was slowly warming the cold asphalt and the blue sky promised a beautiful day for a road trip. Except that I wouldn't be driving. Except that Bella and I had fought again and nothing about this trip would be beautiful.
I sighed, kicking some pebbles across the lot.

After I had inhaled a couple of lungs full of fresh air, Bella returned with keys dangling from her finger and a copy of all the papers she had filled out in her hand.
"I would say I'm sorry," she said, as she moved past me towards the rows of cars, "but actually, I'm not. Why do you have to be so... bossy all the time?"
She suddenly stopped, turned around and glared at me as if she expected some kind of apology. But what was there to feel sorry about this time?
"I'm not bossy," I complained. "I was trying to save us money and well, what is wrong with me wanting to be your chauffeur?"
"You not letting me drive is wrong. Different shades of wrong. And you know what's worse? You don't even realise what you are saying, what you are asking of me."
"Yeah, I guess I don't. I'm not bossy, I was just suggesting, not ordering-"
I tried to defend myself, but it was useless. Before I could finish my sentence, Bella interrupted.
"Just stop this nonsense, Edward. Everything's done now and this is our car."
She gestured behind herself, towards a middle-aged white Japanese car. Two doors, approximately 60hp, no remote, but a central locking system at least. I eyed the little thing sceptically. It wasn't much better than what Bella had at home.
"I'm going to drive and you can play with the radio or something. That's the only compromise I'm going to agree to. Now take the damn seat before we waste any more precious time." She fumbled with the keys before she unlocked the doors and slipped behind the driving wheel.
Words of disgust and doubt tingled on my tongue, but I kept them all to myself. Instead I climbed into the passenger seat and put my seatbelt on. Who knew what her driving abilities would be like.

As Bella adjusted the mirrors, the tension in the car was thick and uncomfortable again. It was hard not to comment on the missing side airbags or on the lack of an adapter for my iPod, but I kept my mouth shut, determined to find some kind of truce with Bella.

Before she started the car, she threw a map into my lap.
"I asked the shopman about the address of Fagur Alit. He looked it up on the internet and marked it on the map for us. I hope you can read directions."
I fought the urge to roll my eyes at her and began to study the map instead. The directions seemed easy enough.

We followed the signs, leading us north and left the city soon after.
Bella shifted the gears much too late every time she brought up speed and I noted to self to buy her an automatic when the time would come, but kept my mouth shut – as hard as it was. I could be nice. The more urgent desire, besides giving out driving advice, was the constant longing of my hand to lay it right on top of hers on the gear shift. But I didn't. I could be nice and good.

My place in the passenger seat left me with lots of time on my hands as soon as we reached some sort of highway that we needed to follow for what looked like five hours.

Even when the silence began to kill me and I began fumbling with the radio, she didn't turn her head.
"You don't mind classical music, do you?" I tried.
"No, that's fine. I told you the radio is all yours."
I scrolled through the frequencies, eventually finding a channel I was happy with.
"So, uhm-," I cleared my throat. "You liked the music on my iPod?"
"Sure, it's alright."

I tried to keep my ogling to a minimum, but couldn't help to chance a couple of glances in Bella's direction. She was cute when she drove. She always was. But the concentrated look on her face was a sight to remember. Her eyes were not leaving the road for just one second. I began to appreciate my new role as passenger.
She blushed when she noticed me watching. I sighed.

"Do you-"
"About last night-," we began simultaneously.
I smiled at her.
"Ladies first. What about last night?"
It wasn't my chivalrous nature to let her go first, of course, it was plain curiosity. My fingers got sweaty when I thought about which part of last night she might want to talk about.
"Yeah, last night. It was... nice."
"Mhm." What was nice? Her date? Our evening? The declaration I made. Her shouting at me in her dreams?
"You know, us, not arguing."
"Oh that. That was nice, yes, for lack of a better word."
I audibly exhaled, thinking about what happened last night and that she should never find out. It was about time to change the subject.
"So, tell me about that date of yours. Did Newton, I mean, was he forceful before?"
"Oh no, of course not. Do you think I would have stayed that long?"
"God, that weasel. I should have never let you-"
"Edward, stop it right there. If you ever say what you would and wouldn't let me do again, I might turn violent."
"He didn't even offer you something to block the rain. I was about to run across the street and hand you my jacket," I muttered under my breath.
"It was just rain, Edward," she answered, fortunately ignoring my stupid rant. "But thanks for your text message, that was kind of nice, although if I had known you were right outside, observing-"
"Honestly Bella, I know you have every right to be angry with me, but you seriously can't expect me to let you meet strangers all on your own when we're in the middle of some murder. And it really would have been wise to put that stupid red umbrella of yours to some good use for once. I bet you're going to have the flu sooner or later."

"Which umbr... oh gosh, the umbrella, yes." I studied Bella's face as she spoke and now that familiar shade of red was creeping back into her cheeks. "I might have lost that one."
"Lost it? Didn't I just give it back to you a couple of days ago? I haven't seen you use it since that day in my office."
Bella threw her hands in the air in exaggeration, leaving the steering wheel unoccupied.
"Oh yeah and you would've seen, because you're stalking me. I almost forgot."
"Hold onto that wheel! Jesus! It was just once because that bank clerk seemed suspicious. The other time was just by accident."
"Alright, if you want to know the truth, I threw it away. Right outside Gateshead into the next best waste bin. Happy now?"
"You what?"
"Threw it away. Rubbish, garbage, trash. If I remember correctly, you didn't want it. Well, me neither."
After a second I recognised that my mouth had fallen awkwardly open at her words. She threw that little thing away while it still haunted me? I even saw people with red umbrellas everywhere, thinking of it as a symbol for her.
"Get over it, Edward. It was just an umbrella. Why do you even care? You better tell me where we are now. This direction doesn't look right anymore."
Bella slowed the car and looked out of the windows, searching for god knows what, while I grabbed the map off the dashboard, still dumbfounded by these new revelations.
I started comparing the streets, tracking the ways we already drove, finally coming to the conclusion that we took the wrong turn about twenty miles ago.

"Alright," Bella said and stepped onto the brakes right in the middle of the street, "that's it."
"What are you doing? You can't just stop here!"
"Relax, there's no one coming."
"But you-"
"Get out."
"Excuse me?"
"Get out! I'm reading the map now, you're driving."
"No, what? I can read the map just fine. I was just distracted for a second."
"Obviously you can't. And you better be more versed in driving than in reading maps if you want to get anywhere today."

And so it was settled, insurance ignored, I was driving.

Houses were getting fewer and fewer along the roads, only small cottages for sheep and horses were built in between fields of green. The landscape was a mixture of the greenest green and the bluest blue I had ever seen. Occasionally bits of white snow could be seen on the higher hills and mountains we were passing. Our arguments had died down as we started to admire the beautiful scenery around us. It reminded me of the Scottish Highlands, just much more intense. More quiet, more peaceful, more lonesome.

We had driven for about seven hours by now, taking breaks when necessary, talking about random things like roadtrips and music and life, ogling each other every chance we got. Or that may have been just me.
"I think we're almost there." Bella lifted her head off the window and took another glance at the map. "Actually, I think we just need to pass those hills in front of us and then we should be able to see the coast. But I don't know what kind of company we are supposed to find in this nothingness. It's not really the epitome of industry out here."
"True," I agreed. "Bella, I don't think it's a good idea that you're out here with me. What if something happens to you? I could never forgive myself. What if Fagur Alit is a weapon factory?"
"Sure, why not nuclear weapons? The centre of terrorism maybe? It's a little too late for those thoughts, don't you think?"
"I can bring you back. We'll find a nice hotel for you to stay in."
"You shouldn't worry about me, but more about yourself." She paused for a second and then added with a silent voice: "Because that's what I do."
I glanced over to the passenger seat, where Bella was watching the outside world passing by, the sun making her hair glow.
"My alternative is to rot in jail, Bella. Yours is to be happy and forget about everything."
"I can't just forget. And I can't leave you here. I just can't, alright? So you better live with it now."
"Why? Why can't you forget? Is this about the story? Because it isn't. Not anymore."
"Well, it is. And it's going to be a good story at that. Why are you slowing down?"
"I'm not-," I tried to argue, but the motor was already coughing and stuttering, eventually shutting down altogether. "What the fuck?"
I boxed the steering wheel with my hand, internally cursing the stupid old car for being unreliable and a whole lot other things.
Bella leaned over to look at the last glowing lamps on the dashboard.
"The gas is empty."

"Let's get to the point, shall we? I don't like people wasting my time."
"Me neither. I need a gun."
"Well, well, what tells you that I'll get you one?"
"I have the right amount to convince you, trust me."
"You need to watch what you're saying. Tell me what you need the gun for."
"That's none of your business. Count the money."
"Listen, mate. I'll count the money when I want to count the money."
"-"
"I already told you that I don't like it when people waste my time. Jane, dear, remove him from my office."
"What? Get real. Okay, I'll raise my offer."
"Jane, go ahead."
"Come on! Is this really all about the reason? What could I possibly need a gun for? Damnit, I need to find that son of a bitch Cullen and put him in his place. When I'm finished with him, he can rot in Iceland."
"Pretty Boy Cullen?"
"-"
"Well, now I'm interested."

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