Ouran High School Host Class Chapter 2: Lesson 2: Never ask 'Are we there yet', an ouran high school host club fanfic

Lesson 2: Never ask 'Are we there yet?'

Disclaimer
It's kind of pointless how people always have a Disclaimer section in every single chapter of their fanfics, isn't it? Seriously, nobody would actually think that any one of us owns the series, so what's the point? Ah, but I suppose writing Disclaimers would be necessary all the same, although I'm not quite sure why...And it's kind of fun anyways, how I, for one, always manage to get off topic and rant on about pointless stuff. But what the heck, I don't feel like babbling today, so let's just get this over with in one single sentence.
According to all the sources that I have gathered around the net, I own neither Ouran High School Host Club nor Fruits Basket. Oh, and I don't own 'The Scream' either, that belongs to dear old Edvard Munch.
There, a short and sweet Disclaimer for once. Hm, why do people always say short and 'sweet' anyways? Why not short and 'sour'? Or short and 'spicy'? Or short and 'bitter'? Or short and 'salty'? You know?...Eh? Why're you all walking away?! Get back here! I'm not finished yet!

Author's Note
Thank you, my wonderful reviewers! (Although there were only 4 of you but no matter, it's over half of the expected 7 anyways.) You're the best! Really! That's why you all deserve a little something from me as an appreciation gift. Here. -holds out a single red rose that has the words 'Suou Cooperation' printed on the stem-
Yes. Arigato, my fair princesses. It is to my deepest desire that you shall all enjoy this chapter, as it is the beautiful result of the love that you have given me. Thank you, for standing by my side and supporting me no matter what. Let us now make a wish upon the stars that, from the creation of this second chapter, our everlasting love shall go on till the end of the universe...
...Pft!
...G-gomen gomen! XD
That sounded so strange coming out from me, didn't it? But wow, does Natsu have potential in becoming the 'Princely Type' or what! Yeah yeah, so I got a bit carried away with the whole 'Tamaki-styled flirting' thing, but I couldn't resist; I've always wanted to say something like that!
Ahem, anyways, I'll stop rambling now. On with the fic.
Oh wait wait wait, before I forget, this is sort of a FILLER chapter, there's no point to it and we don't really get anywhere near the lovely classes. It was just something I wanted to type up to ease my own boredom. Ha ha. I hope you will still read it though, don't let my strange sense of humour and brain power go to waste. Please?
P.S.: Beware of horrible OOCness ahead!

While the rest of the hosts were recovering from their feelings of betrayal left by the Shadow King, the Sohmas gathered around to form a secrecy group just so they wouldn't get bored.

Kyou opened his mouth, wanting very much to make a smart ass statement in front of our favorite rice ball. But since he has never really made any intelligent speeches before, the neko closed his hanging mandible once more. As you have probably already realized, the authoress isn't very fond of the orange-head.

Every single Fruits Basket character was quiet now, not knowing what kind of weapons they could use in order to prevent the hosts from destroying them. Why would the hosts want to destroy them, you ask? Well, my darlings, as we all know, the brilliant Sohmas all have some kind of emotional/mental disorder one way or another. So therefore, although the hosts could never come to harm them in any way, there were still millions of tiny voices at the back of their minds, urging them to go on with the self-defending idea.

You'd think that the silence there would go on for a millennium, but unfortunately, Ritsu has never been very good at keeping promises, so 'she' inhaled and bawled 'her' head off once more. It was one of 'her' favorite hobbies after all.

"...GOOOOOO-MEEEEEEEEENNNN NAAAAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAAA-IIIIIIII!!!" screamed the monkey at the top of 'her' lungs. All the fruits rolled their eyes. Tohru didn't of course, since...well, she was a rice ball not a fruit, so therefore she did not join in on the eye-rolling contest. "I should have given authoress-sama some humble suggestions when I realized that she didn't know how to start this chapter! I should have known better than to let the readers of this fic that authoress-sama cherishes to get bored!!! GOOOOOO-MEEENNNNN NASA-IIIIIIII!!! ... I am such a lowly life form for I am now apologizing and taking up the audience's precious time in having them read this...I don't deserve to continue living in this world!!!" with that, the monkey ran toward a wall to try to bash 'her' head against it while Honey hugged his silly little pink fluff tightly and possessively, afraid of what the 'woman' might do to his beloved stuffed bunny once again.

Bad luck just seemed to be taking a liking in following Ritsu everywhere that day, so without much success in battering 'her' own brain out, the monkey accidentally slipped on a nearby banana peal and flew out of the window like a bird.

...'THUD!'

Young Hiro and Kisa learned that day, that even someone as cracked as Ritsu could not defy the law of gravity: Anything that goes up must come down.

Three seconds later, our forever lovable Tohru recovered from her shock of seeing a flying monkey for the first time in her short seventeen years and let out a small scream as she pointed at the window. However, all the Sohmas were looking the least bit worried, and after turning their heads back emotionlessly, they carried on with what they were doing before; forming a circle in order to discuss how they could prevent themselves from being harmed by the suspicious hosts. Although clearly they have not come up with anything useful so far.

"...Uhm..." the cross-dressing host began, all of a sudden realizing that if she didn't speak now then the readers would probably forget about her existence within this fic. "You know, normally people would actually care about the death of a family member?" she said, trying to shake away the picture in her head that involved next day's newspaper headline: 'Successor of Sohma Onsen Died at Ouran High'.

"What're ya talkin' about?! Ritsu's not dead! And besides, nobody cares about the idiot anyways." the neko said as a matter of factly, then got a sudden bash on the head by our...-GASP!- darling rice ball. "Ow, wach'a do that for?!" he hissed, the hair on his back stood up. Figuratively of course, I wouldn't know whether he has hair on his back or not, nor do I ever need to know.

The rice ball scowled at him for talking ill of the monkey and with a loud obnoxious 'hmph!', she turned on her heels, walking off to find her other boyfriend.

All the Yukiru fans around the world cheered in unison and stabbed the now dumbfounded neko with leeks. Kyou screamed in pain as Honey cackled at his bozo looks mercilessly. Now all you big kids out there remember this, never take your younger siblings' toys, or they might end up suffering from the kind of schizophrenia that our tiny host was now enduring.

The neko clenched his fists as something inside of him snapped. He slowly gazed down at the strawberry blonde and cracked his knuckles. He was sitting on the tiny boy within seconds...Okay that sounded a little wrong, but you get the idea.

However, before the orange-head could perform any acts of violence on the loli-shota (Not that he'd be able to anyways.), a glinting Japanese samurai sword pointed at his nose dangerously.

Kyou looked up and saw the stoic host glaring at him, wearing a murderous expression on his handsome face. As dense as the cat may seem sometimes, he obediently got off of his original target and turned around, suddenly realizing that a certain cousin that always says 'mooooo' was missing from the mass of play-watching/popcorn-eating crowd.

Just as he was about to ask for the whereabouts of Sohma Hatsuharu, the neko spotted a strange looking group that was making their way toward him.

Somehow they looked oddly familiar...

A long-haired girl, a feminine boy in which he could recognize as his deadly enemy who was still holding that damn yellow fluff in his arms, and most unusual of all, they were riding on a black and white cow.

The strange looking bunch got closer...

And closer...

And...CLOSER...At an alarmingly fast speed!!

...If you haven't guessed why the foursome was able to get to their destination so fast, then sit tight and let me give you the basic picture.

So this is how it was. Somehow, just somehow, the cow that was carrying its group of passengers happened to manage a pair of wings that have somehow grown out of its back, and just somehow happened to be flying at the speed of light toward our poor neko.

For all those who don't believe in the Legend of the Supercow, well, you'll just have to bear with this idea because this is my fanfic, so what I say goes.

The hosts just couldn't seem to find the right reason to argue why they should not be hanging their jaws for the second time that day.

"God dammit Haru, did you get lost again and accidentally hugged Tohru while you were at it?!" the neko bellowed as the Supercow used his orange head as a boost to fly higher. Oh wonderful! Now we can all sing 'Kyou got Run Over by a Moo-Cow' during the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ!

"Ahhhh! M-My...My...My...beautiful face!!!" the cat jerked around to glare at the Supercow, bitching at the poor man, "...How dare you ruin my gorgeous face, bakayarou!!!" he squeaked in that manly voice of his while sandwiching his scarred feature in between his cat paws, reminding everybody of the live version of 'The Scream'. How the neko managed to squeak with a manly voice is beyond me, but then again, this is Kyou we're talking about, and as Tohru often says, 'If you set your mind to it, then you can do it.' ... Oh, does she not say that? Okay, never mind then.

The onlookers all stared at Kyou and sweat dropped in unison, obviously lost in this fanfiction like many of the people who are reading this.

"Shut up already sissy, the very presence of your being is enough." the silver-headed boy stated calmly, not realizing that he was clearly the more effeminate one here.

Before Kyou could reply anything more harmful than the one he has just received, everybody's favorite pervert inu cut in, trying to make peace between the two, "Wait a minute, wait a minute," he said, holding out both hands to prevent them from jumping onto each other. No, get your heads out of the gutter you sickos, they're not trying to jump onto each other that way. "Before you rack down Ouran the way you did with your own school, we really should ask these lovely hosts here to take us to the third music room first, don't you think? After all, that is what we're really here for."

All the readers cheered, thanking Shigure for running interference and thus making this fic get back on track.

With the suggestion of the inu, the Host King snapped back to reality from the viewing of his Inner Theatre.

Of what he was watching I have not the slightest idea, but it was something quite disturbing I'm sure. Just look at him gawking at the Hitachiin twins even after the awakening. He extended an arm, holding a glistening wooden cross high above his head while sparkles and roses oozed out of every single inch of his gorgeous physique. "...Back off you sinful demons!! I strictly prohibit thou from taking the innocence of my beloved daughter!"

As predicted, Haruhi raised an eyebrow and pondered, running a finger under her own chin. A second later she knocked one fist against the other palm and looked up at Tamaki with both of her eyes wide, "You are suffering have S&M, senpai!"

The sophomore was in his corner growing mushrooms before Haruhi realized that once again she has shattered the pride of her senpai.

After seeing the troublesome reaction of Host King, tiny little Honey decided that, being one of the two oldest hosts, he would have to take up the responsibility of escorting their guests of honor to the third music room.

So with that determined mind set to its right place, the blonde senior huffed and huffed, trying to make his masculine features to stick out more. However, by doing what he has just done, the strawberry blonde unintentionally caught the lost attention of the fangirls. They all gathered around the tiny host within a split second, swooning over his adorableness like always.

Haruhi was starting to get a headache.

And to make matters worse, a sudden puff of yellow smoke poofed out of nowhere and revealed to them a naked child not much older than 10. All the Sohmas gasped in unison.

"Oh mon Dieu!!! Child pornography!!!" the Lord got over his glooming state and hopped in front of his darling little 'daughter', forcefully covering her eyes while the child giggled stupidly, getting dressed.

Haruhi pushed her senpai's hand away violently, thick veins popping out and covering her entire forehead. Tamaki, however, did not pay much attention to her anger, instead, he went crimson by the touch of the young girl's soft flesh. So he quickly moved away from her.

The sheep was by now very annoyed with the fact that his statement of needing food all the way back in the last chapter was completely ignored. So he started to stomp one foot against the marble floor, yelling and demanding like the brat that he is. "Isn't there anybody intelligent around this shabby school?! Can't you all see that a poor child is being starved over here?! Do you really want me to go and sue you for child abuse or what?"

So, since the authoress does not wish to move into a cell for something as pointless as that, the massive group started to make their way toward the third music room that everybody-kept-on-mentioning-but-would-continuously-get-off-track-and-could-not-visit-sooner.

But behold! Another puff of smoke has just shown us a sign!

This was incredible, Jack! It was simply marvelous! It was so amazing that words like these could not be used in describing it!

It was...

THE SUPERCOW TRANSFORMING INTO AN UTTERLY GORGEOUS MALE SPECIES!!!

All Haru fans around the world fainted in unison along with the fangirls that were surrounding Honey only moments ago, as the Supercow turned into a naked young man. Yes ladies and gentlemen, our beloved Supercow has somehow poof-sparkle-sparkled his way into the hearts of the young maidens, making them lose their ravishing egos just by looking into those deep and melancholy eyes of his.

Although the half woman half man hebi had never tried to design any outfits for its dear cow cousin, but Ayame suddenly found itself feeling an epiphany strike in the brain and took out a notepad to record its ideas in which we now recognize as the 'Supercow costume'.

After seeing the reaction of his silky white-haired yaoi partner, the perverted dog took out his cell phone and started dialing a number that the authoress is unfamiliar with. "Moshi moshi. Is Mit-chan there?...Ah, greetings Mit— ... Well, about that—...No I'm now at Ouran High—...What? You know I'd never lie to you Mit-chan!...Yes yes, I'll get the 48392710 paged script done for sure. Now please listen to what I have—...Yes Mit-chan, please don't worry anymore...Mm hmm. Yes...No...Okay anyways. I was just wondering. You know how you sometimes see a cow wandering about in my backyard? Yes, the one that always roams around after a puff of smoke...No, we don't raise any other cows...What? Whatever gave you that idea?!...Um, right...Well, ahem, I was just thinking. Do you think it's possible for you to help me find some reporters who could possibly put up a newspaper headline of my cow?... Yes, for my cow! Because you know what? It has just turned into the world's one and only...Superc—...M-Mit-chan?...Hello...?..."

Shigure stared unbelievably at his cell and grimly put the machine back into the chest pocket of his kimono.

Hatori, being the flat character that he is, was still not losing his calm and emotionless self even while he was involved in a rumble such as this one. The dragon/seahorse quietly drank from his teacup, observing the messy scene in front of him as if he was the God of the universe watching down on His children. But the God suddenly found himself being glomped by one of his annoying school friends from years ago.

"Haaaaaaaa-chaaaaaaan!" the inu wailed, "Mit-chan hung up on meeeeee!"

Sighing from the whimpering of Shigure, Hatori got up from his comfortable seat by the window frame and held out his own cell phone to call the head of the Sohma family. Within seconds, the medication that the dragon/seahorse has entreated from his main patient got delivered into his hands.

He thankfully injected a strong doze into the weeping dog, and the perverted inu soon fell into a deep sleep, causing the fangirls to once again direct their infatuation from the cowboy (No pun intended.) onto him.

Realizing that everybody's attention was somehow transferred from him to the cursed (Super)cow then to the idiotic dog but never back to himself, Hiro sat on the floor and began whining like a three-year-old. "...Now listen up all you lowly hosting maggots! Bring us to that stupid abandoned music room of yours or I'll make you drink my piss!" it was kind of strange how my narration says that the sheep was 'whining', but clearly, what he just said sounded more like 'ordering and bossing people around'. Oh well, at least one of the characters hasn't been so OOC.

The tiny scaredy-cat of a tiger turned around to look at her friend with tears in her eyes. She held onto the sheep's hand and spoke in that weeping voice of hers, "Hiro-chan...It's not nice to tell people to drink your...urine..."

But unfortunately for her, the sheep for once, did not pay one bit of attention to her sobbing. Instead, he screamed at her for interfering, which caused the tiger to lose her temper as well, "Why do you always have to be so damn stubborn you bastard?! Frigging quit your dumb ass demanding already because people don't have to pay attention to your every single -censored- need!!!" like what they say, those who are normally peaceful can become the scariest when angered.

During this moment, the boar that was, of course, clinging onto her favorite toy cat, felt the need of making an astonishing statement as well, so being the one that did not know how to think before act, she screamed the sentence that she would be remembered forever by.

"Kyoooouuuuuu-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" she squealed as she clenched onto the neko's neck with her little hearts flying around and him bellowing while trying to pry her off of his body. Ah, look at those two lovebirds having a lover's quarrel.

Although I hate to interfere with the newly budding romance, I have to narrate that, the shriek of the boar was really, really loud. So loud, that if there were any dead people present, they would have woken up. Oh and, before I forget, when I say 'people', it probably works the same for 'monkeys'...

As expected, our lovable Ritsu-chan woke up once the switch of the Kagura alarm was turned on. Of course, the monkey began bawling 'her' strings of 'gomen-nasai's along with the screeching of the boar.

While all this was going on, the twin devils, who have so far made no movements within this story at all, concluded that at this rate the fic would be going nowhere. And in order to get to the part where they could make fun of the foolishness of their Tono, they would first have to bring this grotesque group to move to the host club room.

So, as they came to the understanding of this matter, the twins decided that they must now take the dominant roles of persuading everybody to get together to form a group much like the ones that you see during kindergarten activities and lead them to where the Shadow King awaited.

A breeze of wind that came from an unknown source blew through the beautiful locks of the twins as their eyes set with determination. They were now standing on top of a monstrous piece of rock, dressed in karate robes and had white cloths with huge red dots in the centre tied around their foreheads, written on them were the Japanese characters 'hisshou'. A chorus of the sentence 'Gan batte!' could be heard at the background along with the indistinct sound of a random monkey, screeching with every single strike of the intense drumbeat.

Let us now join Kyouya at the third music room.

It has been quite a while after the Shadow King got back from the hallway where the hosts did their propaganda of the upcoming class.

Although clearly the host club room was too far away from the North Wing, but it struck him as a strange thing how all the clamours and rumbles from a few moments ago had just vanished into thin air.

There was not a single sound stirring right now. None at all.

Kyouya could not even concentrate on his work with this awkward silence.

What was bugging him the most was that, according to his precise calculations, the 'woman' named Ritsu was supposed to be apologizing continuously for having used the ravishing toilets of this school still. Or some other nonsense that 'she' could always think up and make a huge fuss over. He wouldn't know what was in the monkey's head, really; someone as jumpy as Ritsu could also be as unpredictable as the Shadow King himself.

That was a scary thought. Having another 'woman' that looked so much like the leader of the rabid fangirls and at the same time having some kind of relations with a mysterious outlander like himself.

So anyways, as he has been thinking before the authoress got off track, that technically, being exactly 65.394857352849201835 kilometres away from the North Wing, he was supposed to be able to hear the howling from across the school.

But no.

All the sophomore's ears could pick up at the moment were the scribbling noises that his fountain pen was making.

Sure it's true that Kyouya has always favoured serenity over the kind of uproars that he always manages to finds himself getting surrounded by; he would be able to finish patronizing a lot of business deals in a couple of hours without having to listen to his best friend wailing over how their 'daughter' was acting improper, or every once in awhile, hearing the shattering sounds of the majolica as it kisses the floor. But right now, he would have felt more than thankful if only he could get the chance of putting up with the little devils' childish pranks, than to deal with this sort of dead silence.

The sophomore took a deep breath and tried, for the fourth time, to focus his mind on the bunch of host class plans in front of him...

But somehow his eyes refused to stay open...

And his head...was feeling so...heavy...

His fountain pen...rolled onto the floor...

But he lost all his strengths and will of picking it up...

Maybe...

Maybe he'd just take a short nap while he waited for the others to return...

...ZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzz...

...ZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzz...

...ZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzz...

...ZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzzZzzz...

"KYOUYA-SENPAI!!!"

The doors of the third music room swung open, revealing the confident looking Hitachiin clones leading their fellow hosts, guests of honor and all of their fans into Kyouya's private territory.

By now the Shadow King was starting to regret ever longing for the noises that these maniacs were making.

Wonderful, now he could hear Ritsu's howling oh-so-very clearly!

Author's Note
Thank you for all those who have finished reading this filler chapter. I sincerely hope that you have enjoyed it.
Another great thank you goes to Joan-sama for giving me advices on how to improve my writing techniques. I owe her a tremendous amount for that. Eh, but somehow I can't get rid of my habit of rambling on and on...Ugh..I suppose I do need to consider about dividing my sentences into paragraphs, don't I? Like what she said, it's distracting to the eye to have humongous chunks of monologues. Oh, I'll try not to be so chatty next time, since I just totally went with the flow for this chapter, although I can't guarantee that I'll be able to master it any time soon.
So anyways, I shall be leaving now wishing you all a very merry Christmas, and don't forget that your reviews will be the best presents one can ever get! X3
And yes, the next chapter is going to dedicate to everybody's favorite princely blonde – Suou Tamaki! So tell me what you want to see during his lecture please, because so far I have thought of nothing yet...