At an anonymous reviewer's (joking?) suggestion, I bring you something in a different vein, one I would ordinarily not approach, not being a fan of Carlisle/Bella (bear with me) under any circumstances. But I could not resist, ergo:

He tried to tell himself that it wasn't as serious as it seemed, but every time she came over with his son, he felt such a jolt, so deeply jarring, that it was all he could do not to jump her. He scoffed internally—it figured that he, the most controlled of all his family, would be so uncontrolled in lust. But he couldn't help it; she was so sumptuous looking, so soft and tempting. If he blocked out her voice and everything she said, she would be the perfect lover. Yes, perhaps a nice piece of silver duct tape over her mouth while making love would solve that problem…

But his son was practically joined to her at the hip, and if he even attempted to sleep with Bella, he had no doubt in his mind that Edward, Alice, and Esme would kill him. Very, very slowly.

And yet he found himself outside of her house, looking up into her window. But Edward had beaten him there. They looked like they were dancing. Or rather, like Edward was trying to teach her to dance while Bella fell against him again and again in a way that made Carlisle hotly jealous. He leapt to the roof intending to wait Edward out and to sneak into Bella's room and… and what? He was a rational, 300-year old vampire. Surely he could behave better than this! Surely he had collected enough morals over the course of his long life, learned how to use them, too, to make a more rational decision than this!

Angrily, he jumped off the roof again and paced the yard, kicking up grass as he did so, leaving bare streaks of soggy soil in his wake. If only he could have her just once! If only he could take her in his arms and ravish her one time and one time only, he was certain to be cured of this mad desire.

"Carlisle?" came a soft, though shocked voice from the porch. He froze in his tracks in absolute fear. It was too late to bolt, now, but there was no way he could justify his being there, especially at so late an hour as that one.

"Carlisle, what are you doing here?"

"I…"

Crap. Now what? And then, for the first time, he found himself thanking his strange concupiscence.

"I, uh, came to see you," he replied quickly, approaching with careful steps. "I, er." He began again, more composed this time, resting his foot up on the porch where Charlie stood. "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I lust after you," he confessed.

With his excellent vampire eyes he saw, through the dark, Charlie's jaw drop and, unwilling to wait for the human to either verbally or physically flay him, he launched himself onto the porch and planted his lips on the other's.

He kept his eyes closed tightly in one prolonged flinch, waiting to be shoved off Charlie's property and tarred and feathered, but instead he felt a hand against the back of his neck, and an eager pair of lips parting in a most welcome manner.

Carlisle walked Charlie backward until he was backed up against the screen door, the other man clinging to and kissing him with such fervency as bespoke a thoroughly bridled desire.

And Carlisle, as the two climbed the stairs of the house shedding clothing here and there, figured that maybe he didn't need Bella. Maybe her father would be an adequate substitute. He was certainly eager enough. And he was not the fruit of Tantalus, as was the buxom Bella Swan.

Charlie was eager and intense in bed, and Carlisle wondered if the two of them did not keep Bella up past the point when Henry left with the astonishing noises.

And as he watched Charlie drift away into sleep with happy sighs, he thought Yes. This will do.

See, it ended up being Carlisle/Charlie in the end, after all.

Can anyone spot the stolen Pride and Prejudice quote?