Jacob

As the phone rang, I conjured up the most perfect image of Jacob I had tucked away in my memory. My Jacob, sitting on the beach on a freezing cold fall day, wearing nothing but cutoffs; his golden brown skin damp with sweat. Warm. Solid.

His dark eyes had been focused on the horizon as he talked to me, his cropped black hair gleaming despite the absence of sunlight. I remember the way he had looked that day, because it was the same day I realized that he had saved me from going crazy over the loss of Edward. Jacob had been my savior. He was and is the only person I really trust not to judge me. He was really too amazing. Too good.

The ringing broke, and a gentle, masculine voice greeted me warmly.

"Bells?"

"Jake! How have you been?"

"Bella bear! I'm so glad it's you." He seemed genuine, and yet there was a note of sadness. I had to know if my Jacob was hurting.

"What's going on with you mister? I haven't heard from you in forever, and you seem kind of…" I trailed off. How did he sound? I didn't know if it was sad, but it was… off.

"Nothing really." He breathed out heavily.

"Well, I mean, I've just been thinking about some things, you know? Making some changes." He still sounded dejected. I pressed him.

"Tell me, Jake."

Evidently, my Jacob had been dating some girl from the reservation, and it didn't work out.

"Not that it was serious…" he had made certain to emphasize that part, but I could tell he was disappointed. He was frustrated with work, and with his father now remarried and didn't need him, he sort of felt alone.

"What about the pack?" I asked.

"They are here, all except for Embry. He went to college in Oregon, and he won't be back until summer, if ever. Who knows? But really, the pack is like….well, they're around me because they have to be… and I have to be around them. I didn't choose them. I don't even like some of them. I just feel stuck right now. Like there's nothing for me."

He sounded…depressed. This was Jacob Black; eternally warm, smiling, sparkly Jacob. All of a sudden, I felt worse than I had before I called. Knowing Jake was unhappy was worse than having a dream about Edward. I had to do something.

I knew it was crazy to ask Jacob to move out here; he had a strong attachment to La Push, and probably wouldn't want to leave Billy to live on the opposite cost, even if Billy had a new bride to care for him now. Maybe if I offered him lodging here on a semi-permanent basis…

"Jake, why don't you just +come here for a while? If you don't like Boston, you could always go back."

I heard him breathe out heavily into the phone.

"Bells, I wouldn't know where to live out there, I mean, I don't know…."

I saw what he was thinking, that I wanted him near me, but not with me. I cut him off quickly.

"No, Jake, I mean here, with Jill and I. You can live with us, and find a job whenever. I don't care. I want you to be happy."

"I don't want to be a leech….no pun intended." He chuckled deeply.

I winced and sucked air. He must have heard, or perhaps just suspected that the little joke had set me off.

"Sorry, Bells. Not funny." He corrected himself almost immediately. I could almost see him face-palming over the phone. It wasn't a huge deal, and it had been eleven years. He shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, and I shouldn't be such a lunatic over an old breakup or a dream.

"It actually was kind of funny, Jake" I lied, and laughed a little to lighten the mood, happy that my proposition had brightened his spirits. I wondered what was going through his mind; whether his past romantic feelings for me were making him leary of the idea. I wanted to ask, but I didn't have to. Leave it to Jake to say whatever should be left unsaid.

"Bella, you know I'd like to. And I know you wouldn't mind if it took me a while to get settled and, you know, pitch in financially and stuff, but…." There was a pause. A long one.

Here it comes.

"I just don't want you to feel awkward…I mean, you're twenty eight, and I'm sure you date, right?" He didn't stop for the answer.

" …And if you brought someone home… I mean, I'm not going to lie, it would be… hard." Jacob was breathing a little heavily, and I worried that the thought of me having sex with other men might actually make him phase, but he remained composed enough to go on.

The next part came out so quickly that all of the words ran into each other.

"Bells, I know I'm not supposed to be feeling all soft about you anymore, and that we're friends, and that I'm a grown man and not a little boy, but it would be hard for me to see you with other people still."

I grimaced. He breathed deeply.

I tried to think of what I could say in response to my best friend's admission. It couldn't be easy for a twenty six year old man to pour out his hear like that, particularly given the subject matter. I decided to try honesty.

"Jake, I don't ever bring anyone home." I kind of hoped it would be enough.

It wasn't.

"You know it would be just as bad if you went out with someone and didn't come home…only then I'd be worried for your safety. There are a lot of kooks out there." He sounded like my old man.

Okay Charlie…I have my pepper spray.

Jesus, would I need to be a little more specific about my mating habits? I absolutely hated talking about things like this. Thank God Jill had gone out onto the deck. At least she wouldn't bear witness to what I was about to say.

"Jake, I kind of….don't date. I don't go out with men, don't stay over anyone's house, and nobody ever comes here with me either." I breathed in quickly and settled myself further into the plush couch.

"I have never slept with anyone in this city, or in this state, and a man has never stayed at my house… ever. Okay?" Even though he hadn't asked me to reveal so much, I felt vaguely annoyed with him for forcing me to speak of such things.

"Huh?" Jacob seemed surprised, and curious.

In a split second, I recognized that he probably took my statement to mean that I hadn't ever had sex outside of Forks. Obviously he didn't realize that I had had boyfriends in other countries.

Well, nobody really knew that. I kept my intimate life well guarded, and there was no way I was going to tell Jacob something that would be so hurtful. He probably thought too highly of my character to consider it anyway.

What an awful human being I was. I couldn't believe I was doing this, that I was letting him think this; if Jacob knew that I had never had sex here in Massachusetts, and if he hadn't considered the possibility that I had slept with men during my layovers in Europe and Asia, then he must have concluded that I had only been sexually active in Forks.

And of course, Jake knew with absolute certainty that the only person I had slept with in Forks was…

Jacob.

Oh my god.

"Uh, Jakey? Do I really need to go into this? I mean….shouldn't you be happy with all of this?"

There was another long pause.

"Oh…My….Godddd bells." He cracked up. "Are you serious?"

"As a heart-attack" I muttered. "Glad you're so amused."

"I cannot believe you haven't had sex since last time you came to Charlie's for Christmas!"

He was laughing hysterically.

What in the hell was I doing? I ask him to move across the country to be with me so he'll be happy. He admits that he still cares for me romantically; and now I am telling him that he is the only man I've ever had sex with in my whole life. Which is a complete lie.

I. Suck. So. Bad. Change the subject.

"Jacob…ugh, whatever. Don't fuck with me. Do you want to come or not? Really, the door is always open. I don't want you all depressed and lonely in Forks."

"I seriously will give it some thought" he told me genuinely.

"Anyway, I can see why you might want me for company" he joked, but he was likely half-serious. I knew it was something that would probably land in the 'pro' category on the mental 'pro and con' list he'd make later on.

"Ha ha. Well, I'm headed to bed. Call me tomorrow?"

"You betcha Bells…."

"Love you Jake," I tried to make it sound innocent.

"Love you."

An hour later, I was perched on the edge of the couch, with a cupcake in one hand and the glass of Malbec in the other. My thoughts were primarily of Jacob. I felt insanely guilty for misleading him, but during our discussion, I hadn't conceived of any other reasonable things to say.

Jacob and I had probably had sex a dozen times between the time that Edward left and my High School graduation. Every time I went home for the holidays or for any other reason, I would always end up in his bed, and I was never sorry about it.

Honestly, Jake was amazing. When we were together, it was always clear that he was balancing his animal instinct with a real tenderness. He was warm, passionate, and he always wanted me so badly. He'd tell me that he thought of me every day that I wasn't with him, and I really believed him. It made me feel incredibly powerful to know that I had so much control over this supernaturally strong man.

Unfortunately, there was a serious complication. Jacob loved me. He didn't even have to say it anymore, I just knew. When we were together, he was making love to me, pouring himself into the experience with everything he had. I was just there, feeling amazing because he was so goddamned good, and because all that love he projected felt…nice.

But I couldn't make love back to him. The most I could do was to give him my body… I could fuck Jake and Let him make love to me.

God, I was so awful.

Afterward, I'd always felt like I had used him. I had allowed him to bear himself emotionally during our intimacy, and I had never reciprocated. I wondered if he had noticed. He probably had, and was decent enough not to give me shit over it.

I had to be firm. If Jacob came here, we could not be together in any sense of the word. I couldn't use him like that anymore without hurting him immensely. In a way, I had been lying to him with my body all this time. It wasn't fair to him.

I further resolved that Jacob could never, ever know about my other encounters.

In a way, it seemed like telling him the truth about the others could be beneficial; after all, the worst part about my having slept with him over the years was that I had let him think it was special to me. Maybe my honesty would put our past into perspective… he was special to me, but sex was never really special to me, even if it was with him.

Ya, that would help. Maybe I could also tear his heart right out of his chest and stomp it into the ground.

No, Jacob would never, ever, find out about the others.

I stopped for a moment to consider how many men I had slept with over my last five and a half years as an Air Marshall. After about two minutes of thinking, I came up with a number.

Forty two, not counting Jacob. Sixteen of them I still saw, regularly.

There was Jackson in Brussels, Alexi in the Ukraine, Robin from Bangalore, India and Sami from Cairo, Egypt. I also had lovers in Ireland, France, Finland, Germany, two in Russia (they lived in different cities), Hong Kong, Monaco, Spain, Portugal and two more in Great Brittan. I had been with five men in the past thirty days. This was my secret life, the reason why I carried a wallet full of international business cards with secret telephone exchanges scrawled on the back.

Sex had never been anything more than escapism, a cure for loneliness and a way to avoid dreaming of the hard past. Even my sexual relationship with Jacob was meaningless, a string of physical encounters that had occurred because of our proximity; having nothing to do with how much I cared for him. But now I was really lying to my closest friend, and it was making me feel physically sick.

Maybe Dr. Randall was right.

No.