Nahant
It really was a perfect day for lying out. I had hoped to get a little color, but I still had to apply an SPF of ten if I wanted to avoid lobster-esque burns. God damn my skin tone.
Because it was a weekday, I assumed that Nahant Beach wouldn't be all that crowded. It was about a quarter mile from our house to the beach, which meant that I could easily walk down with my beach bag instead of driving down and trying to find a meter to park at. After dressing myself in a bandeau top bikini and a light cover-up, I located my bag and flip-flops, and headed down the road toward the bay.
A set of narrow stone steps led from the end of my road to the sand. When I got to the top of the stairway, I surveyed the waterfront to find a suitable place for my blanket. I liked to arrange things near the old coast guard station so I could use the bathroom if I needed to.
Clearly, I had been correct in thinking that there would be plenty of space today. Most of the beach goers were the same retirees that went to sunbathe daily. The woman on the blanket next to mine had a face like a leather handbag. The idea of turning into one of those wrinkled, brown senior citizens prompted me to apply extra sunscreen. It was probably just as well.
I sprawled myself out across the old white blanket so that the sun could hit me all over, and adjusted my ipod to a reasonable volume. Having found a comfortable, tan maximizing position, I attempted to relax.
I could not.
In fact, the moment that I closed my eyes, my mind drifted to the conversation I had had with Doctor Randall earlier in the day.
She had told me I was 'hurting myself'. Well, by and large, I just didn't care. I mean, it would be terrible if I was hurting Jacob; but as of right now, even that was under control. He didn't know about my escapades or problem or whatever it was, and he didn't need to. It was still my secret.
I reasoned further that our sexual encounters together had been one hundred percent consensual, and that it wasn't fair for anyone to blame me when he so willingly chose to take me to his bed absent any official relationship. He chose to have sex with me too, right?
The rational part of my brain began speaking in the soothing, even voice of Dr. Randall.
"No Bella. He chose to have sex with a woman he thought her knew, because he wanted to love her."
Fuck me.
"He wanted to make her love him back. He loved her well, for the right reasons. His intentions were pure. What were your intentions?"
Gratification? Power? Escape?
Dr. Randall was right, I am insane.
No not insane, sexually dysfunctional. I am fucked in the head.
I am dirty. I have been promiscuous and loathsome, and I have let my best friend make love to me repeatedly without letting him know where I've been.
I have been so dishonest. There is no excuse. No way to rationalize it. I am a bad friend.
I cannot believe myself.
What would he think if he knew? What would he say to me?
He'd be angry.
No… he'd be angry first, but then he'd be disappointed.
God, that's worse.
I knew he'd be calling soon; that we'd be discussing his possible move to the area. I had promised myself last night that if this worked out for him, I wouldn't lay a hand on him ever again. No more Jacob/Bella nookie.
Great Job with that one Bella. Great idea inviting the poor guy to live with you when you have zero ability to keep your pants on.
I wracked my brain, but I didn't even know what I could say to him without having a full-on break down. I was on the verge of tears right now just thinking about his deep, soothing voice. Could I hold it together for a full conversation?
There was always the option to un-invite him, but I didn't want to. If I was going to get past this pervert-disease, I'd need him for support.
Good. That would give me all the more reason not to cross the line with him.
Once I had managed to put the raw feelings from today's counseling session aside, I began to feel human again. I consciously tried to erase the guilt and confusion that had taken root in my heart by focusing on the cool ocean breezes that lapped over my heated, sun soaked body.
I drank in the air, the music drifting through my ear-buds. I stuck my hands off the side of my blanket into the coarse sand, and felt the way it slid easily and quickly through my hands when I spread my fingers out. If there was heaven, it certainly felt like this.
Once my mind was clear of the angrier thoughts, I decided it would be healthy to make plans with Jill for the night. It felt like a margarita night, but maybe that was the beach talking.
Turning to my side, I rose from the blanket and went digging through my straw bag for my blackberry. The sun had messed with my eyes, and I couldn't focus them to see, so I relied primarily on my sense of touch to locate the device. Good thing I could use the keypad blind.
MARGARITAS 2NITE? XO-BELLA
I lied back down and rested the phone on my stomach so that I could feel its vibration when she responded to me.
It wasn't long.
FROZEN? ILL GET THE BOOZE IF YOU DO TACOS! 3 J
Frozen? Oh hell yes.
FROZEN. SEE YOU AT 7. XO
Well there, Doctor R… that's a nice, normal night.
Satisfied with my plans, I set my phone back on top of my beach bag and lied back down, rotating to my stomach. The heat felt like a blanket over my bare back. I adjusted my head set and was scrolling through my playlist when the blackberry rang. In the first instant, I assumed it was Jillian calling to make certain that I remembered to pick up some guacamole, but the tone was distinctive. This was Jake's song. He had chosen it himself.
In touch with the ground
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Smell like I sound I'm lost in a crowd.
And I'm hungry like the wolf
I chuckled, and picked up singing.
"You know that I'm always hungry like a wolf, baby. What's for dinner?"
"Hey Jacob," I laughed. "It's always about food, huh?"
"Damn straight."
"And to answer your question, Jill and I will be having tacos and margaritas this evening."
So take that, wolfie.
"Well that sounds fun and delicious. I'll be there in a month."
"Jacob, the tacos will be gone in a month."
He laughed heartily.
Apparently, it took me a few moments to realize what he was saying.
He's coming!
I shrieked loudly, causing the leather-faced woman nearby to glare momentarily in my direction. I shrugged at her, and returned to my conversation with Jacob, who just laughed at my stupid outburst.
"You happy, Bells?"
"Oh my god, yes. I am so happy."
"I figured that I would feel pretty much at home living near the beach still, and Billy seemed okay with it."
"And Sam?"
"He'll deal. He didn't favor the idea, but he won't command me to stay, either." He sounded… relieved.
"I can't wait to see you! Oh god, Jill will be so thrilled. She loves you."
"Bella, I've only met her once…" he seemed perplexed.
Come on, everyone loves Jacob Black. I decided I'd tell him as much.
"Jake, you know everyone loves you. You're awesome."
"And what else?"
"You are totally awesome, and kind of beautiful. Fucking beautiful, Jake."
He laughed so hard, it made me want to cry. I wanted him here now, and I wanted it all to be okay.
We had decided to go over the rest later, when I had collected myself and could focus on logistics. He had seemed genuinely happy at the prospect of this move, and I really wanted that for him. It could be a new leaf for both of us. I knew that I had a lot of work to do; that I had a long way to go in fixing the "sex problem." I would not let this affect Jacob. He was not to know.
As I trudged home from the beach, I couldn't help but think about our upcoming reunion. I imagined meeting him at the airport; showing him around the city. I imagined bringing him to Bricco in the North End, and shuddered at the thought of my werewolf's dining tab.
Oh shit. What about the wolf thing? There's no forest here…no space.
Mental note: ask Jake about phasing. He'll have to stop before he comes.
Thinking about Jacob as a wolf made me sort of warm and fuzzy, if I was being honest. It made me think about Forks; about the woods, about him running around the wood shirtless like a crazy person. It made me think of the camping trips we had taken on my college breaks, and what we did underneath the stars.
I started to feel a little warm at the thought. Jittery, almost. I had to block it out. This train of thought was not healthy, particularly when I was trying to avoid the possibility of any further 'romantic' encounters with this wonderful person whose happiness I genuinely cared about. Better to think of something or someone else.
Focus. Put him out of your head.
Tacos.
Of course, tacos with Jill.
Walking onto the tiny front breezeway, I traded out my beach bag for the car keys, threw on an errant pair of denim shorts and headed to the grocery store.
Yes, this would be a normal night. Margaritas, Tacos; nachos with Velveeta and salsa, and fresh guacamole. Jill and I would watch something corny on Netflix, and talk about things that were of little consequence.
Hopefully I'd fall asleep drunk. It was the only way I'd be able to avoid thinking of Jacob that way.