a/n…I know this is short. I had to set up for the next chapter.

I don't own twilight, I just love the hell out of it.

Back on the couch

Two days before we were slated to leave for our vacation, I was in a state of panic. I had decided to call an emergency session with Dr. Randall, who wasn't pleased to hear that I was spending so much time with Jacob. The conversation had been painful.

"Bella, you mentioned that you have company?"

"I do. Jacob is living with me."

"Is this a temporary arrangement?"

I wanted to lie to my therapist, but that isn't why we were here. I decided on honesty, figuring it was a step in the right direction.

"No, I had asked him to come stay for a while. He was depressed at home."

"Bella, that's very thoughtful; but it's not prudent."

I considered. Her comment was just that, a comment. But it begged for response.

"I don't have to sleep with him. I haven't."

"Do you feel the urge to have sex with him?"

She obviously hadn't met Jacob.

Reaching into my handbag, I withdrew a small leather wallet. Inside the wallet, under my license, I kept a picture of Jacob and I hugging. Emily had taken it after one of the campfires at LaPush.

Even though the photograph was four years old, Jake looked the same. My hair was different. That was the only thing that dated the snapshot.

I handed the dog-eared picture to Dr. Randall, and watched her as she surveyed the picture.

"He's very handsome." She said it objectively, as she had been trained to do. I secretly wondered if he inspired her with the same type of feelings that I had struggled with.

"Of course I feel the urge," I joked.

She laughed, then became serious.

"I know you love this young man, Bella; in a way. It's important to me, since you're my patient, that you get well. And moreover, I want you to eventually develop healthy relationships in your life. I think you have something here, with Jacob."

Her eyes became soft.

"I don't want you to go there too soon. That will ruin your healing process, and it will probably cause you to isolate this person you care so much about If you value your relationship; if you can see yourself with Jacob, you must not be intimate with him. You need to stop having sex altogether for now."

"I guess I knew that" I said, evenly.

"It's critical, Bella. Sex means nothing to you right now. Or rather, it's something you use in a very unhealthy way. You have to separate yourself from that part of your life for now, or you'll never get better. Once you've developed a sense of self outside of your sexual-compulsivity, you might be able to work your way into a healthy relationship, and enjoy intimacy that means something."

The thought was actually frightening, which I supposed was part of my dysfunction. I huffed.

"And you know, you'll have to tell him. If you think you'll want him to be your partner." She eyed me, looking for a physical response.

"How could I tell him?" I asked her forcefully, pulling myself to the edge of the couch.

"You need not tell him everything, Bella. But you will need to come clean, to a degree. He'll need to know that sex has been an issue for you."

I was quiet and fidgety for a few moments, as I considered everything she was saying. I wasn't certain whether I was more afraid of the idea of telling Jacob that I was a slut, or sleeping with him in a meaningful context. I wasn't sure I was capable of either. And worst of all, I was conflicted over the direction of the foregoing conversation; about Doctor Randall's assumption that when I was ready to get past my compulsive behavior, Jacob and I would ultimately be together.

I had to address this.

"Doc, I'm not certain about me and Jacob as an item. It's not…"

"Bella, I'm not trying to make assumptions. Of course, you could meet someone else. It just seemed like it might be the natural course of thing; that you'd fall for Jacob when the time is right. You seem very comfortable with this man, and you'll need to get involved with someone very forgiving, if you are going to be straight about this addiction."

"Right, right."

"Anyway, you'd never mentioned anyone else."

That part set me off, and I suddenly realized what I had been withholding. The protective part of my heart, the part that kept me from thinking of Edward during waking hours, begged me not to speak of him. But Dr. Randall's good little patient knew it was relevant. I had to tell her about him. Well, what I could.

How to introduce it, without sounding like a lunatic?

"There was someone, once."

"Oh? Tell me, if you think you can."

I breathed deeply, and started to well up with tears before I had even uttered a word. I noticed right away that my voice had become quieter and meeker when I talked about him; as if mentioning him aloud might have made the pain in my chest worse.

I told her about his love. How all consuming it had been. How his love had been everything; his family my family, his life my life. I told her how perfect he was, how gentlemanly. How divinely handsome. I had planned to spend forever with him, because he had made me feel perfect and beautiful and special. I told her about his obsession with my safety and my virtue.

I told her about his leaving me; the things he said. I told her about the rejection, the humiliation, and the incredible pain. That was when the story of Edward ended, and the story of Jacob began.

That was when I stopped.

"Bella, we haven't got much time left, but I want you to know it was very brave of you to discuss something that you find so painful. I'm so sorry that happened to you."

"You must think its stupid. I know I was young, and I know it's been a long time…but I was so in love with him. I was so certain that he was made for me."

"No, Isabella. Your emotions are not stupid. He hurt you."

"Yes" I breathed out. My eyes were burning now. I was angry.

"You weren't intimate with him, because he wouldn't let you be. And then he rejected you. You were hurt."

I nodded.

"Was that the only emotionally intimate relationship you ever had?

"I think so."

She jotted something down, and nodded once, as if to confirm something.

Looking directly at me, she spoke.

"This is why, Bella."

And suddenly I knew…that when Edward had left me, it had destroyed me. It had affirmed that all of those times he had rejected my body, he had done so because I wasn't enough.

I had never bared myself emotionally again. But I had beenwanted, and I had been taken. I had wanted to feel powerful; strong. Yet every time I gave myself away it was worse.

This was my moment for change, and in some freak way, I saw Jacob as the prize, the light at the end of my tunnel.

I slumped out of the Doctor's office with a heightened awareness of my responsibility toward Mr. Black. I had to keep him safe, which meant avoiding his abs, his ass and anything else I found sexy until I was 'repaired'. That would be hard, but do-able.

It would probably help if I found some time to be honest with him about the past several years. Either it would help, or he'd never speak with me again. That thought was unbearable.

Just then, I got a very sweet text from one very sweet wolf.

DINNER IS READY… XO

It would probably not be tasty, but I looked forward to it just the same.