Rachel perched on the end of the bed, sucking her lollipop contentedly while House grumbled about how long it was taking her. They'd been gone for about fifteen minutes already and House knew that Cuddy would get suspicious soon and come looking for them, and would certainly not be pleased that he was giving her additional unrefined sugar. She'd already given her some cookies in the car to stop her whinging and as she enforced Sugar Consumption Law with an iron fist House knew that she would be mightily pissed off as he'd disobeyed her.

But it was necessary. While House knew that secretly - though it may take her a while to realise this - Cuddy was going to enjoy him being nice and normal, Rachel wasn't going to pretend. She would blow the whole operation by blurting out that House was mean and refusing to interact with him in a normal way. Therefore, bribery became the best option. House had used sweets and chocolate manipulation many times before, especially when Cuddy left him to babysit.

It did amaze him how she actually believed that Rachel was happy to bathed, changed and tucked in by him. During the day she wanted nothing to do with him, but at night, that's when she needed him? Not bloody likely. House thought that Cuddy knew on some level that it was too good to be true, but she overlooked it. She spent so much of her personal time trying to get House and Rachel to interact nicely that when it happened anyway - even aided by confectionary - she was just going to turn a blind eye and pretend for a few hours that her daughter and her boyfriend didn't hate each other's guts.

On the contrary, House didn't hate Rachel. Sure, he disliked that she was always around, asking incessant questions and pedantically asking about everything, but he guessed that if he had to have a kid in his life she wasn't the absolute worst option. She was relatively quiet, but curious, and she didn't move his things or eat his food or act overly affectionate to him. No, she lived her little five year old life, with nothing to worry about other than whether Jimmy at school meant to leave a heart on a piece of paper on her desk or whether it was really meant for Rose and how the lunch board saidthat Wednesday would be roast chicken but was actually pizza and that if she'd known that she would have bought instead of bringing a pack lunch.

Tiny, insignificant things that Cuddy relished listening to and House blocked out, purely because he might go insane if he was forced to hear about Caitlyn's new pink high tops one more time. Honestly, those bloody shoes had been the sole receiver of Rachel's want and affection for days.

While Rachel and Cuddy would curl up on the couch together and Rachel would describe in unnecessary detail her entire day, House would not sit with them. He didn't have to, she wasn't his kid, blah blah blah. But he would often find himself sitting at the table or reading in the chair, so he could still hear and see them. He would block out the noise - it held no interest for him - but he liked to watch Cuddy's face while she listened.

Her eyes would sparkle and she would grin, relishing in the mundane joys of motherhood. And while House would never really understand it, he knew that she needed this. She needed Rachel to make her happy in the ways that House could never. He knew that she loved him, and that he did, in fact, make her happy. It may sound unrealistic - especially when the two of them were screaming at each other - but that was the way they were. It was how they functioned, and how they worked.

It was dysfunctional and convoluted and honestly, he wouldn't have it any other way. But he knew that they only reason that Cuddy didn't need all her happiness facilitated by him was because of Rachel. Rachel gave her that unconditional unadulterated love and need that Cuddy craved. As Rachel was still young, Cuddy was her entire world. Mommy this, and Mommy that, and no matter what happened, she must check with Mommy first, because Mommy knew everything.

And while he would never understand Cuddy need for that, he knew it was very real. And so he enjoyed having the kid around as long as it kept everything that way it was. He didn't like change, he didn't want change, and as long as this worked for them, there wouldn't be change.

He was shaken out of his reverie by Rachel pawing at his jacket sleeve and staring at him imploringly. "House," she pleaded, big eyes wide and shining, "I need to pee."

House nodded, remembering why he'd brought her up here in the first place. And watching her cross her legs and squirm he guessed he was getting close to having one unhappy urine soaked child standing in front of him. "Come on," he said gruffly, taking her little hand in his. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Out there," she hopped in front him, looking extremely uncomfortable, and pointed to the door leading into the upstairs hallway. "It's by Nana's room," she muttered, pulling on his broad hand until he began to shuffle along behind her.

Together they went down the hall, Rachel squirming and wriggling more and more with each step. "House," she said urgently.

"Alright, kid," he agreed and hoisted her up onto side. He moved as quickly as he could, knowing that if she peed it would go all over his jacket. Plus, then Cuddy would ask what the hell he was doing up here for twenty minutes that resulted in Rachel peeing herself, and no doubt Rachel would be so upset that she would blurt out everything, lollipop deal and all, to her disapproving mother.

Crash, bang, wallop, Cuddy mad and them fighting and family thinking he's a selfish bastard who has no place being with their daughter/sister. And that would put an abrupt end to this week, and forever more have him seen as prick.

"Which one?" He asked her when confronted by a sea of doors. Jesus, he could see six doors in front of him and judging by Rachel's squirm rate he didn't know if he had time to check all of them before it was all moot.

"Uh..." Rachel deliberated, biting her lip. "That one," she decided, pointing to the closest door. House rolled his eyes. She obviously had no idea which one, but her guess was as good as any, so he opened the door and peered into the room.

He was met by the most extensive collection of toys and games and books and general kid crap that he'd ever seen. Piles and piles of stuffed animals and robots and dolls littered the floor and the shelves and the couch in the corner.

It was an explosion of kaleidoscope colour and it was burning House's eyes. He thought Rachel's piles of toys were too much, but this? This was something else. No child could need this many toys - especially since none of them actually lived here.

He knew that Julia's husband's sister's children were also here, but he knew that that was a one off. Usually the Cuddy family weekends were exclusively Cuddy, but this week was apparently a massive family deal... Which meant that this horrific display unnecessarily spent money was only for Rachel and the other five spawn. Really, who needs two two-metre-long emerald alligators?

No amount of children needed this many toys. While House was standing there in awe of the room, Rachel was squirming and hitting his shoulders. "House!" She said shrilly. "I have to pee!"

He rolled his eyes. Damn kids with their damn minuscule bladders. Leaving the rainbow room - which had made him feel a little ill, baby paraphernalia always evoked an unpleasant physical response in him - he raced through, banging open door after door until he arrived in a sea life tiled bathroom.

"There you go," he exhaled, placing her down. "Do your thing."

She nodded and he stepped out, waiting outside for her. If she needed help, he'd give it to her, but since she was a very capable five year old he had no doubt she could pee, wipe and wash all by herself like a big girl.

He leaned against the wall, feeling as if he'd dodged a bullet. A bullet made of kid pee, that is. He was jerked back to the world when he heard the sound of footsteps pattering up the stairs. Straining his ears, he ascertained that it wasn't a child, there was no screaming or giggling and the sounds of the feet were too dense to belong to kid. Therefore, it was an adult, which left him with six options. Cuddy, Mother Cuddy, Julia, Julia's husband, and the other two.

Either Cuddy or Evelyn would have been acceptable, so he hoped that it was one of them. The thing was, Evelyn was quite old and whoever this was bounding up the stairs so he doubted it was her. He tried to remember whether Cuddy had been wearing heels or not - the sounds were too light for stilettos - and decided that he had no clue, and that he should pay more attention to her feet.

But, thankfully, he heard, "House?" Called up the stairs, in a voice that was unmistakably Cuddy's.

"Yeah?" He called back, amused by the frown he saw on her face when it came into view. "What's up, snookums?" He crowed, smirking at her expression.

"What have you done with my daughter?" She crossed her arms. "I only let you take her because I like you two interacting. If I thought you were going to kidnap her then I would have taken her myself. Where is she?"

"Kidnap her?" House said with mock outrage.

"It doesn't take anyone twenty minutes to pee." Cuddy reasoned, and House nodded agreeably.

"No, it doesn't, and she's just in there," he nodded, "we took a detour."

"A detour?" She repeated incredulously. "A detour where? Down the hall?" Cuddy was confused. It wasn't like there was anywhere to go up here. She wasn't annoyed - in fact (whatever his motives) she liked that he'd volunteered - but she was wondering what was going on. Whether he had some elaborate plan to woo her family or not, he didn't have to woo Rachel. She had her opinion of him, and he of her.

"To the, uh, puke inducing toy factory," House answered, and Cuddy furrowed her eyebrows.

"You mean the playroom?" She clairified, smiling. He must have willingly sat with Rachel and listened to her, or even played with her for a little to have taken this long. Maybe this happy House act might have some lasting impressions.

"Yeah. That."

She chuckled. "You think it's too extravagant?"

"I think that it is a display of craziness and loneliness to have an entire room full of crap because you feel like you need to buy children's affection," he said after a moment, with a light edge to his voice, quasi serious but mainly jokey.

"This may come as a surprise to you," she replied, "but Julia brings the kids down a lot. I don't, because I have no time and the drive's too long and it's just a giant pain in the ass, but the other's are here almost once a week. So it makes sense for them to have toys here."

While she was trying to keep her tone light, House could sense some animosity in that statement. He assumed it was the bit about her not visiting so much... And whether it was a simultaneous dig at him, he wasn't sure.

She was her own woman, she did as she wished. And she wanted to visit her mother, then that was her choice. Sure, he preferred her being around but just because he didn't share the same family spirit as her didn't mean she couldn't have her own values.

In fact, if she was mad at him, he was going to be royally mad at her back. She had no right to be angry because he didn't want to do cutesy family things with her. If she wanted them, then she had to make them happen.

"I know I should come down here more often," she said sadly. "I just...never find the time."

And then House realised that she wasn't mad at him. She was mad at herself. And that wasn't fair either.

He didn't ever say this to her - he assumed that it went without saying - but no matter how much they fought or what he said to her, he did respect her. And he understood that she dealt with a uge amount, both personally and professionally.

He knew that no matter what she did, she felt like she was always putting something on a side burner. And then she felt guilty about not visiting her mother enough? Come on, her mom was obviously not bitter about it, and he hated that Cuddy might feel that.

"You're busy," he shrugged, "it's not a big deal that you don't drive three hours every weekend to stay for an hour and then drive all the way back."

"I know," she sighed, alerted to the sound of flushing and a tap being turned on. "Honey, are you okay in the there?" She called to Rachel.

"Yes!" She called back, sounding a little hurried.

Cuddy turned to House. "Do you - "

"She is fine," he said with finality. "It's not like the greatest feat of mankind. Eons of people have mastered this."

Suddenly, the door opened. Rachel stood there, looking a little sheepish as they both turned down to look at her. It wasn't because she'd done anything wrong, but because she knew that they had been talking and had stopped 'cause she came in.

She hated to feel like they were keeping secrets from her. It was like when Mommy had been upset and had been telling House why, but as soon as Rachel had come in - just because she wanted to give Mommy a big hug to make her feel better! - they acted like nothing was wrong.

She didn't like it. She hated to feel like she was out of the loop, just because she was little! She knew what was going on most of the time, and even when she didn't - like when House used big medical words - she could understand if they explained.

Narrowing her eyes, she said, "what were you talking about?"

"Nothing baby," Cuddy smiled, scooping up her daughter and placing her on her hip. "We were just going to go downstairs. It's lunchtime."

House gave a mental groan. An entire lunch time of joy and family happiness? Ugh, he wasn't sure if he could handle it. But nevertheless, he put a brave smile on his face and nodded at the two of them. "Yes, let's go and have lunch."

The three trooped downstairs, Rachel babbling something about one of her cousins who'd pushed her in the pool, so she'd splashed him. Why Cuddy enjoyed hearing this drivel House would never know, but there was that trademark grin again, relishing in what Rachel was telling her.

They entered the dining room where everyone was already assembled. "Oh God," House muttered, quietly enough that nobody else heard. At one end of the table were eight chubby little faces, smiling and cooing and gurgling, and banging for their food. Rachel scrambled down and joined them and watching her merge with the sea of faces, he couldn't help but be thankful of Cuddy's apparent lack of desire for another one.

"Greg!" Julia smiled, "you can sit here." She pointed to a chair beside another man - one who House noticed didn't seem too thrilled to be there. He had a despondent expression and was wearing a matching wedding ring to Julia.

"You must be the husband," House shook his hand.

"Matthew," he said gratefully, glancing at the other people at the table. "This is my sister Tess and her husband Nathan."

"Pleasure," House answered, sitting in the assigned seat and watching as Cuddy took hers across from him. He realised that Julia - or probably Evelyn - had set it this way so they couldn't talk to each other without everyone else hearing.

Then Evelyn appeared in the doorway, covered by some shimmering lemon sarong - which House admitted she was brave to try and pull off - and holding a large wooden bowl filled with salad. She placed down on the table beside the rest of the meal. "Let the feeding commence," she smiled, and laughed as the children lunged for their food.

As House found himself sprayed with lettuce and saw a spattering of ketchup splash onto his shirt, he raised his eyebrows. Let the feeding commence indeed.