The world had begun to fall to pieces and no one was safe. Once a week students all throughout the Great Hall would check what became known as "The List of the Dead". The list had the names of everyone who had died as a result of Death Eaters and Voldemort since the last list was published. A creepy silence always descended upon the Hall when the owls started to fly in and it didn't lift, usually, for the rest of breakfast. Of course if you had lost someone you would get a visit from Professor McGonagall who would escort you to Dumbledore's office. You didn't want to see the strict professor walking up to you with a grim face. James would never forget the day that McGonagall walked up to him with that face…

Sirius saw McGonagall walking up to them first. He went to yell out to her but the words froze on his lips when he saw her face. Sirius prayed that it was no one that they actually cared about, but he knew better. Remus noticed the look on his face and alerted James and Peter to McGonagall. When she reached them she shot Sirius, Remus and Peter a small look before turning to James.

"James, please come with me." James remained rooted to the spot, not wanting to hear whatever it was. He didn't need to. He could live in ignorant bliss for the rest of his days. James felt a hand touch his shoulder and instinctively knew that it was Sirius. James turned his eyes on his best mate who gave him a small smile that said "We'll be waiting." James nodded and dumbly followed McGonagall. He could feel everyone staring at him as he followed along in the professor's wake. It was all he could do to keep his head held high and his eyes dry. His easy swagger was gone for the moment and he could see that even Snape had a sympathetic look on his face. James almost lost it then. It was only the soft green eyes staring at him that forced him to pull himself together. James looked directly into Lily's eyes. She flashed him a small smile and James' heart soared slightly. But only enough to keep him walking forwards.

When they reached Professor Dumbledore's office McGonagall ushered James onto the revolving staircase and stood a step down from him. The whole way up James held his breath, hoping (just as Sirius was at that moment) that whoever was dead hadn't died at the hands of a Black. It would put a considerable strain on their friendship. James was relieved to note that there were no Ministry officials awaiting him in Dumbledore's office. It was a well known fact that if a parent or sibling had died someone from the Ministry would give the news. James took a seat opposite Dumbledore, and only glanced up at the Headmaster once he was comfortable. Dumbledore's face was kind but clearly sympathetic and worried.

"How are you feeling, James?"

"I've been better, thanks." James knew that he should ask how Dumbledore was but the words wouldn't form themselves, so he simply sat there looking down at his hands.

"I'm sure you've realised why you're here so I'll skip all the nonsense and get straight to the point. There was an attack on a small Muggle village in Wales last night." James looked up at the professor frowning. He didn't know anyone in Wales. Dumbledore held up a hand and continued. "The Death Eaters destroyed the town, killing everyone that was there. The Aurors didn't arrive until they had gone, not on purpose of course. But word didn't get to them until after the actual attack. The Death Eaters were callous and cruel to the people, even those staying in the inn for the night. James, you're here because you're aunt Imogene, your uncle Bill, and your cousins Julie and Matthew were there. I'm sorry, James."

James sat in his seat trying to process what had just been said. It didn't make sense. His aunt and uncle lived in the south of England and had never had any desire to travel to Wales. And as for Julie and Matthew… they were four year old twins. It didn't, couldn't, wouldn't, make sense to him. The room became stuffy and James was finding it difficult to breathe. Professor Dumbledore was talking to him but he couldn't make out the words. He had to get out… he needed air… he needed to be in the open… he needed to run… he needed to hide from the world… he needed… he needed to be Prongs…

Without a word, James leapt up from his chair and bolted from the office. He ran down three flights of stairs before he came across anyone but he didn't stop. He just barrelled through them and ignored their angry words. James knocked into people, and sent a first year flying but still he didn't stop because he couldn't stop. It was an impulse. He needed fresh air, he needed to run. James flew past a bunch of Slytherins who yelled taunts after him but he didn't even acknowledge their existence. James took the stairs on the marble staircase three at a time. He stopped only to push open the heavy wooden doors and he was off running again. He could see the Marauders sitting amongst the roots of a tree near the edge of the lake. The three of them looked over when they heard angry yells and stood when they saw him. On the other side of the lake he could see Lily watching him concerned but it didn't click. James reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest and, to the amazement and shock of everyone, kept running. As he ran through the thick trees James transformed into Prongs and picked up pace. The forest air refreshed him and he could feel the wind blowing past him. It invigorated him and he ran faster and faster and faster until he couldn't have stopped suddenly even if he had wanted to. After a time, James realised that the forest was echoing with the barking of a dog and soon after that he was joined by Padfoot. Padfoot didn't try to stop him, he merely kept pace. It made for a sight: a stag and a dog running side by side… pace for pace… stride for stride… turn for turn… leap for leap… bound for bound… breath for breath…

As James' breathing becoming heavier he began to slow down and eventually came to a stop in a clearing. He collapsed onto the ground and didn't bother turning back into his human form. Padfoot sat dutifully by his side, waiting for the others to turn up. When they did he stood up and went over to them, transforming on the way.

"He won't turn back." Sirius said glancing over at his friend and keeping his voice low. "He only started to slow when he could hardly breathe anymore."

"Relax, Sirius. He's only blowing off steam." Remus walked over to the lifeless stag and knelt down in front of him. Remus held his hand in front of the stag's nose and let Prongs breath in his scent. When Prongs recognised the smell he opened his eyes and looked up at Remus. "It's okay, buddy. You need to turn back." The stag snorted and stood slowly. When he was on all fours, Prongs slowly but gradually turned into James. As soon as he was himself James promptly fall back down to earth with a hard thud. James sat there staring at the ground. If he said anything it would only make things real and he didn't want to do that. So he stayed quiet. The boys allowed him to remain like that for a long time, simply sitting on the ground with him. As the sun began to set James raised his head slightly.

"Imogene, Bill, Julie and Matthew." The boys didn't need to ask what he was talking about. They had been there when James had gotten a letter from his mother telling him about his new (and only) cousins. "They were in Wales, for Merlin's sake. Aunt Imogene hated travelling what they were doing there is beyond me. The entire town was destroyed." James ran a hand through his hair and then grabbed at clumps of his hair with both hands and pulled. Sirius shot Remus a worried a look but Remus only shook his head. "Julie and Matthew… they were four… I just don't…" James stood abruptly, let out a frustrated yell and slammed his fist against the trunk of a tree.

"You need to calm down, James." Remus said standing.

James turned on him. "Calm down!? Don't tell me to calm down. They killed them. Murdered them because they felt like it. They were four for fuck's sake. They hadn't had the chance to live and now they never will. And you're telling me to calm down? Breathe right? Take a deep breath and everything will be okay? Well, it doesn't work, Moony. That shit doesn't work for those of us who aren't a half-blood." James stopped speaking suddenly, staring at Remus as he realised what he'd said. Remus, to his credit, didn't look offended. "Bugger. Moony, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that that doesn't work for me, that's all."

"It's okay, Prongs. I know."

"No, it's not okay. Nothing is okay." James leant his head against the tree he had hit and closed his eyes. "I just don't understand why they do it. Why they kill people who aren't like them. What the hell kind of threat do four year olds pose? It doesn't make sense."

"James, these aren't people. They're monsters," Sirius took a small step towards James. "They don't think. They just follow the orders of a deranged lunatic."

"But why? Why do they believe the crap he peddles?" James looked directly at his friend, begging him for answers.

"I don't know. I think many of them had those… beliefs years before this dude came onto the scene. Others are just scared and so they join him for protection. Others do it because they're pathetic and want someone to follow. Some follow his orders to the letter for their own gratification. And some do it because they're cruel and nothing else."

James appeared to ponder this for a minute. "So Bellatrix is cruel, Snape is pathetic, Malfoy's an arse. What about Regulus? Scared?"

Sirius stared at James and considered hitting him until he realised that he was simply trying to understand things. "Yes but he's not scared of Voldemort. He's scared of not upholding the family honour or something like that."

"I see. None of those are very good reasons."

"Never said they were."

James was silent as he tried to process the information. "So, you're telling me that they join him and kill people for no good reason? For fun?" James cocked an eyebrow and waited for Sirius to answer. When he didn't James snorted. "So you actually don't know either. Typical, I turn to you for help but you're no better. I'm trying to understand why my four year old cousins were killed and all you can give me is speculation? Thanks for your awesome help. Goodbye." With his piece said, James pulled his Invisibility Cloak out of his pocket, draped it over himself and walked away.

…

Hours later, James returned to the castle and went straight to the Gryffindor common room. As expected, when he walked into the room everyone turned to look at him and then quickly looked away again. James was covered in dirt and what people hoped was his blood. He had a slightly crazy look in his eyes that was creepily offset by the tired look of his body. James looked around and saw the Marauders sitting at a table. It appeared that they were the only ones who hadn't looked away. James ignored their worried looks and continued scanning the room for a spare table. It was then that he noticed that Lily hadn't looked away from him either. James stared straight back at her, but he was the one that ended up backing down from their little staring competition. James quickly found an empty table in a corner, shrouded in almost complete darkness. He could feel everyone's eyes on him as he made his way over to the table and slowly lowered himself into one of the two seats. James closed his eyes, leant his head against the wall and quickly succumbed to sleep.

Almost two hours later, James woke to find that apparently everyone had gone to bed and left him there. In a way, James was glad they had. He didn't think that he would be able to explain the way he looked and where he had been. Plus, he was pretty sure that there was an excellent chance of him yelling at some more people. James stretched slowly and winced as pain shot through his body. James ignored it and stretched again, hissing this time when pain clouded his vision. When he opened his eyes again there was Lily. James jolted up and promptly fell off his chair. He heard Lily laugh lightly and he quickly leapt to his feet.

"I didn't know anyone was still here."

"That's because I only just came down here." Lily smiled and then James saw that she was wearing what were obviously her pyjamas: short shorts and a silk camisole. James quickly looked at her face and was surprised to find that she was blushing slightly. The blush, however, disappeared the instant she caught James watching her.

"Sit down, James. Let me help you clean up." Lily walked towards him and James obediently fell into his chair. Lily moved the other chair so that she was sitting closer to him. James swallowed when he felt her knee brushing against his.

"I don't need any help. I'm fine." James managed to croak out.

"Don't be ridiculous," Lily looked James' into eyes. "Is this your blood?"

James looked down at his hands and clothes. "Some of it." He looked guiltily at Lily's face and saw her grimace. "You don't understand. You don't know what happened."

"Remus told me everything. I'm so sorry, James." Lily frowned in sympathy and James had to look away otherwise he would start to cry. "I remember you talking about them, Julie and Matthew, I mean. On the day you got the letter from your mother. You were saying that they would be the most perfect kids in the world and that you'd never let anything or anyone get to them. You said that they were miracles and you would protect them if it killed you." Lily watched James closely as he slowly turned his head towards her.

"I couldn't do it though. I couldn't protect them. They were murdered and I wasn't there to help them. And now they're gone and I can't… I can't…"

"Say you're sorry."

"Yes, I can't tell them how sorry I am. I can't tell them anything because they took them away. They killed them for fun… for something to do. They hurt them and now they won't ever come to Hogwarts or get married or do anything worthwhile because he took them." For the first time since getting the news James broke down in tears. They cascaded down his face and no matter how hard he tried they wouldn't stop flowing. Lily reached out to him and gently held his hands between hers.

"James, they know that you loved them. They know that had you been there you would have done everything possible to save them. You should take comfort in the fact that because they were so young they didn't truly know what was happening to them." Lily reached out with one hand and placed it gently against his tear-stained face. "They loved you, James, and you should be glad that they never had the chance to feel heartbreak, or misery, or anything else bad. They only knew goodness and happiness. And I'm sure that you gave them some of their best memories."

James nodded and closed his eyes. "You're right, Lily. I know that but I still can't help thinking about all that they're going to miss." Fresh tears began to stream down his face and Lily manoeuvred herself even closer to him so that she could put her arms around him. James sobbed against her neck but began to calm down when Lily started to rub small circles on his back. Once he was calm Lily let him go but kept hold of his hands.

"James, what did you do?"

James stared at her for a second before what she was talking about clicked. "I left Hogwarts. There's a tunnel that takes you to the Shrieking Shack. I went to Wales, to where they were killed. There were Death Eaters there," James stopped speaking and waited for Lily to interject. When she didn't he took a deep breath and continued. "I didn't use magic. It seemed wrong to use magic where so many had been killed by it. I just attacked them. I beat them, Lily. I physically beat them. I didn't kill anyone but I came close to killing the last guy. But I stopped myself because that's not who I am. I'm not a killer and I don't like hurting people. Even if they deserve it. I came back after that."

Lily remained silent, holding onto James' hands. Although she couldn't condone what he had done she wasn't going to tell him off for it. "I'm glad that you didn't kill them, even if they deserved it. Besides the fact that that behaviour isn't you I don't think that your aunt and uncle would have liked it very much. Now," Lily let go of his hands and moved back in front of him. "Let's clean you up."

Lily took out her wand and cleaned the dirt, grim and blood off James' hands and arms. When that was done Lily turned her attention to James' face which was a mistake. The entire time that Lily had been focusing on his arms and hands, James had been intently watching her and hadn't looked away when she looked up at him. Lily's lips parted slightly in surprise at the intensity on his face. James smiled slightly to get rid of her obvious unease. Lily smiled back but she couldn't help the blush. She cleared her throat and began to clean and heal his face while determinedly not looking into his eyes. When she finished Lily sat back and sighed.

"All done."

James flashed her a smile. "Thanks, Lil. I appreciate it. I should probably go to bed, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, we both should." Lily stood up very quickly and fell backwards. James leaped up and caught her around the waist with both hands, drawing her body tightly against his. Lily's breath caught and James felt her chest rise against his.

"You need to be more careful, Lil."

"Uh-huh." Lily could barely speak. She was too focused on the fact that she was caught in a tight embrace with James Potter and she didn't mind one bit. James, she saw, was enjoying the moment and it didn't seem as though he was going to let go of her anytime soon.

"Um, James, I think you can let go of me now." Lily said softly. She didn't really want him to let her go but she didn't think she would be able to control herself much longer.

"If you like." James let go of her carefully, making sure to slowly move his hands against the bare skin of her back that had been revealed when he caught her. Lily's skin tingled under his touch and she couldn't help but shiver. James grinned when he noted the reaction that he could elicit from her. Lily closed her eyes and only re-opened them when she had regained her composure.

"I want you to know that if you ever find that you can't talk to your Marauders, you always have me. To talk to I mean!" Lily quickly added when he grinned.

"Of course. I'll keep that mind. And same goes for you, by the way. If you can't talk to your friends about whatever, you will always have me." James smiled. "And thank you for your help, Lil, and for not telling me off for what I did today. It means a lot."

"Any time. Night."

"Night." James watched Lily smile, turn around and almost run for the stairs. When she got there she turned to look back at him.

"By the way, you stink."

A/N: Sorry if anyone took offence to the swearing, it just fit the moment. I also appologise for the length! I didn't think it be this long but once I started typing I couldn't stop myself.

Also sorry for the long time between updates! I've gotten really busy so I don't know when I'll be able to write anymore. But please bear with me on this and I promise that I will see it through!