*Aries colony*

*Farmer Philips is awakes up to the faint sound of gun fire in the distance. He gets up right and rubs his forehead with his palms. Seconds later, the doorbell rings. He moves up to open the door*

Collector: "Good day, sir or madam; I am a representative of PETA's 11th Animal Liberation division. We are here to become the Harbingers of your destruction... we mean, we are here to liberate all those adorable Labrador puppies from their lives as slaves."

Philips: "What? But, Terry loves being my puppy! Why would you want to rip him away from his home?" After a moment, "Are you sure you're PETA? You don't seem as heavily armed as I'd expected..."

Collector: "We assure you sir/madam, we will take care of your puppy" *shoots Philips in the face*

*High Aries' orbit - the HERS Enkindle That enters orbit*

Comedian: "We've reached the colony, Captain"

EELs: "Sensors detect the vessel has landed on the surface, and there are signs of gun fights within the colony."

Alenkfish: "What are they after? More puppies?"

SC Williams: "It's likely. This one is surprised the colonists haven't opened fire on the alien's ship with their ship-defences."

Blastette: "True. EELs, get this one communications with the colony."

EELs: "Working... Captain, this one has head of security for the colony on the line"

Security Chief Johnson: "Hello Hanar ship; please keep this brief, we're busy down here."

Blastette: "Sir, we were detecting the combat down there, and where wondering why you haven't activated the defence towers to drive the aliens off."

Security Chief Johnson: "Aliens? No aliens down here, as far as I know. We've just got a branch of PETA trying to 'liberate' all the pets down here."

Blastette: "PETA? But their aliens! This one thinks you've been blinded by their facial hair. And which pets in particular?"

Security Chief Johnson: "Their fine, bushy moustaches are wholly besides the point. Typically, they are going for the cute Labrador puppies. Never seen one of those guys try and 'free' the rats from exterminators... Oh, the big guns? Well, its PETA, so we know their going to leave soon, and if we let the big guns loose, PETA high command will claim we attacked their 'peaceful actions unprovoked', so we're sticking to small arms. Still, if you want to lend us a hand down here, go right ahead."

Blastette: "We're on our way."

*Comms channel shuts down*

Barrus: "Those aliens must be disguised as other humans."

Miranje: "But... but... IT'S JUST HAIR! How is everyone being confused by this?"

*Mordin gives her a slap across the ... face?*

Mordin: "Hysteria is not helpful. Human facial hair, or hair at all, is unique amongst all known species."

Miranje: "Erm, what about this one?" *She shakes her long, blond hair*

Mordin: "Random expection to rule. To matter at hand; revealing nature of aliens to human authorities necessary. Additionally, land based anti-space weapons must be activated to drive off aliens. Prisoners would be useful for tttttooooorrrrtureeee..."

*The rest of the crew recoil from the brief moment of singing*

Barrus: "I once went into the womens bathroom by accident and got called 'Girly pants' for 4 weeks straight..."

Comedian: "This one hasn't washed in 6 months..."

Miranje: "This one uses hair extensions..."

Blastette: "This one envies the human Shepard..."

Mordin: "Excellent. I haven't lost my touch; smugness!"

*Landing zone, Aries colony - gunfire and energy weapon discharges can be heard in the distance. A large Collector ship is parked next to the colony*

Blastette: "Ok team, shoot facial haired humanoids on sight, and lets head for that control centre."

Barrus: "What if their just colonists who haven't shaved in a few days?"

Blastette: "Casualities of war"

Alenkfish: "But ma'am, that seems alittle harsh... also, this armour is too tight."

Blastette: "Firstly, this one knows but it is the only way to be sure. And secondly, we did not have time to have it adjusted. Just swagger from side to side more and you won't notice..."

*Alenkfish does not look convinced but bobs a nod regardless.*

Blastette: "Alright, lets move out"

*Blastette's team move through the colony, moving towards the colony defence control station - occasional firefights break out, though its pretty quiet most of the way*

Blastette: (In exasperated tones) "Barrus, what have you gotten there?"

Barrus: (In a Sombrero) "Nothing..."

Blastette: "Barrus, this one swears, you are trying it's patience."

Barrus: (Sulkingly) "Its just something I got from one of the souvenir shops on the way through the colony."

Blastette: "We are not here to shop for gifts."

Alenkfish: (With a new pair of sunglasses) "Yeah, Barrus!"

Blastette: (With a heartfelt sigh) "If you two don't start behaving yourself RIGHT NOW, this one is going to turn this squad right around and neither of you will get to murder aliens."

Barrus and Alenkfish both grumble back: "Yes Captain"

*The team eventually reach the control centre for the colony defences*

Barrus: "Eh... why did they put the centre of their defences out in the middle of an empty space, in plain view of everything?"

Blastette: "Who knows, humans are strange creatures; you can't expect them to act in a sane or rational way."

Alenkfish: "Very true! They even use the personal pronoun with non-familiars! Erm, present company excluded."

Barrus: "Thanks for that"

*Blastette walks up to the controls and attaches a data link*

Blastette: "EELs? Can you connect up?"

EELS: "Yes captain - logging in now... ah, I see the problem straight away - their software isn't compatible with Windows 10. Working on a patch now..."

Barrus: "Oh spirits, you'd think they'd have checked the software was compatible at least."

Blastette: "This one thinks some arms dealer wanted to sell 'upgrades' to make it work further down the line."

Comedian: "Captain, we're detecting incoming aliens on your position!"

Blastette: "Er, EELs, honey, could you speed this up? We're kind screwed up the ink hole if you don't..."

EELs: (hold music)

Blastette: "EELs? EELS?"

EELs: "Thank you for calling the Enlightened Enkindled Logic system - your call is very important to us, and your call will be answered as soon as an operator is available."

Barrus: (alien swearing that just doesn't translate)

Blastette: "O...k... everyone get out your murdering weapons..."

*The turrets suddenly spring to life and start firing on the parked alien ship*

Alenkfish: "Hur..."

Blastette: "Lieutenant?"

Alenkfish: "This one thought that GAIDAN defences where laser guns - so why do these ones seem to be firing shells?"

EELs: "This one can answer that one..."

Blastette: (annoyed) "Nice of you to join us."

EELs: "Captain, this one was devoting my whole CPU cycle to reprogramming the tower controls. This one had to alter the way the worked, so that 'bolts' of lasers where fired instead."

Alenkfish: "Oh, this one see's... wait, that doesn't make any-"

*The alien ship interrupts by taking off slowly rising away from the colony*

Blastette: "Damnit - EELs, send down a shuttle - Comedian, as soon as we're on board, turn the ship and chase them!"

Comedian: "Aye-aye Captain"