- Grieving
A/N – So, here is another chapter. I tried to get it written as fast as I could. I hope you like it should I have Edward come back? Should I have Bella give into Jacob? Please review and tell me your thoughts!!! Enjoy . . .
I woke up, expecting to feel Edward's cool touch. But, he wasn't there. I looked around, hoping to find his topaz eyes. Then, it all suddenly came back. He didn't want me, he had left me. A whimper escaped my mouth. I tightly clutched my stomach, as if I could hold myself together, make my heart stop hurting.
As if on cue, Jacob came rushing into my room. "Bella you're awake! Are you feeling any better? I made you some breakfast. Should I bring it upstairs or are you able to walk downstairs?"
"I can walk downstairs. You go ahead, I am going to go to the bathroom first." I needed to get out of my room. Everywhere I looked, I was reminded of Edward. The idea that he would never return was too much. As Jacob left, I got up, grabbed a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, and headed to the bathroom.
~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~
When I got downstairs, Jacob had made eggs, bacon, and toast. "Where's Charlie?" I asked.
"Oh, he already left for work. I stayed over last night to make sure you were okay. I told him I would wait until you woke up to make sure you were alright. He wanted to stay, but they needed him to come in early."
I sat down at the table, not knowing what to say. I didn't want to talk to anyone but Edward right now. Jacob came and sat across from me. "Well, dig in Bells. I made plenty of eggs." With that, he began to dig into his plateful of eggs and bacon. I followed his lead and picked up my fork and began picking at my eggs. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted something to keep me preoccupied. We just ate in silence for what seemed like hours. I decided that I needed to say something; I was being childish. Jacob had taken the time to make sure I was okay and I was just ignoring him.
"Jacob, it was nice of you to stay to make sure I was alright."
"I care about you Bella. I wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn't stay because Charlie needed me to, but because I wanted to stay."
"Well, that's very nice of you Jacob. But, as you can see, I'm fine, you don't have to stay." I was trying to tell him to leave as nicely as possible.
With a mouthful of eggs, Jacob said, "Oh, I don't mind staying Bella. It's fun to get off the rez every once and a while."
My heart was broken. I couldn't feel anything. All I wanted to do was go upstairs and sleep; sleep until the pain went away.
When we finished eating, I took our dishes to the sink and began washing them. I wanted something to do, to keep my mind off of him. Before I could stop myself, I felt tears filling my eyes. I wiped them away quickly, hoping Jacob didn't see. But, he did.
Slowly, he got up and stood behind me. He was so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. There was a minimal amount of air between his body and my own.
"Are you okay, Bella?" he whispered in my ear.
"No, I'm not." It didn't feel like I had said anything, but I knew those words had come out of my mouth. As soon as I said them, I wished I could take them back.
"I understand Bella. Did he do that to you?" At first, I was confused about what he meant. Then, I reached my hand up and felt the gash on my forehead Jacob had cleaned.
"He would never hurt me Jacob," I said turning around to face him. At first, I was embarrassed at how close our faces were. Our noses were so close that I could feel each breath he took on my face. When I looked into his eyes, I saw concern, sadness, pain, and love. "I fell in the woods because it was dark," I added for emphasis.
"No, you fell because he left you alone in the woods."
"Well, I really am fine, so you can leave now."
"If that's what you want . . ."
"It is." Two of the most hurtful words I knew I could say to him, but I just wanted to be alone.
He turned and left without another word. I knew I should feel bad, but I was in pieces.
When he was gone, I walked upstairs, not wanting to think about the past days anymore. I shut my door and laid down on my bed. Only then did I let the tears come. I just laid there on my bed, crying. I rolled onto my side, pulling my knees close to my chest. I felt like I was trying to hold myself together. I knew from the beginning that I wasn't good enough for Edward. I knew he couldn't love someone like me. Edward deserved someone better, someone prettier, someone less fragile.
I don't know how long I cried. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. But, when I couldn't find any more tears to cry, I drifted into sleep.
~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~
Time passes whether you want it to or not. Months pass in mere seconds. I didn't talk to anyone anymore. It was February, he left in October. I didn't listen to music anymore. In fact, I didn't do anything that reminded me of him.
I would sleep and he would be there. We would be in the forest, me pleading for him to stay. I thought that if I could get him to stay in my dreams, he would come back. But, he would always tell me that I didn't belong in his world.
I would lie awake, unable to breathe, feeling as if I had been broken in more pieces. There were no more tears to cry. I had shed all the tears I had.
~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~
"Bella, wake up. You need to get out of bed." I cracked my eyelids open ever so slightly. It was bright. The only thing that allowed me to keep track of time was the sun. Other than that, my days had meshed together into one. I knew it wasn't normal to shut down when someone broke up with you. But, my relationship with Edward was so much different; he meant so much more to me than anyone could even begin to imagine. "Bella, this is just sad, you NEED to wake up." I still didn't know who was talking to me, but I figured that if I ignored the voice long enough, it would just go away. But it didn't
"BELLA, you NEED to GET UP," the voice screamed.
"Okay, fine," I said rolling over and sitting up. I was shocked to see not Charlie, but Jacob. The last time I had seen him was when I told him I didn't want him here. But, I was happy to see him.
"Jacob, I'm so sorry about last time . . ."
"Shhhh . . . I understand, Bella. It's okay." With that, he scooped me up into one of his bear hugs. He had grown even more since the last time I saw him. In the sunlight, the skin on his armed glistened, his muscles flexing.
"Jacob, what happened to you? You've gotten so much . . .bigger." He set me down and stepped back.
"I've grown up Bells. See, I may be younger then you, but I sure look older then you," Jacob said, smiling. When he smiled, I had to smile. There was something about his presence that was able to lift my mood. I don't know why I had tried to push him away.
"Why are you here Jacob?"
"I thought I should see you Bella. I haven't heard from you in months. I missed you." I didn't know what to say, so I instead proceeded to find some clean jeans and a clean T-shirt so that I could change out of my pajamas.
"I think I'm going to run to the bathroom to take a shower and get dressed. You can wait here, I will be right back." I started to head out of my room, but I paused in the doorway and turned around to look at Jacob. "I just wanted to say that I am really glad you came. I know I haven't been myself lately and I pushed you away that last time you were here, but I am glad you came."
When I got to the bathroom, I turned to water on as hot as it would go and undressed, folding my clothes and putting them on the counter.
Slowly, I stepped into the shower, the steam engulfing me. I leaned my head back, letting the water cover my face. I couldn't believe that Jacob had stopped by. I was surprisingly excited to spend some time with him. I needed to stop sulking around the house, thinking about Edward. The only way to ever get back to living was to forget about Edward, however hard that might be.
I quickly washed and grabbed a towel, eager to get back to my room and see Jacob again. I got dressed and walked down the hallway to my room. Before I made it to my bedroom door, Jacob ran out of my room, grabbed my hand, and rushed me downstairs.
When we got downstairs, I noticed that he had made us lunch.
"Jacob, why did you make lunch? You didn't have to."
"I know. But, I figured you haven't had a good, home cooked meal in a while." He tugged me toward the table, pulling out a chair for me. Obliging, I sat down. "Dig in, the food is going to get cold soon."
Jacob had already piled his plate high with pasta and salad. "Jacob, we really need to talk . . ." Slowly, he set down his fork, swallowing his mouthful of pasta. I now had his full attention, but I wasn't sure what I intended to say.
"I don't like this," I suddenly blurted out.
"You don't like what?"
"This. You and me. I don't want it to be awkward between the two of us. You're as close as I have to a best friend."
"Bells, I can be your best friend, I'm here for you. I will never hurt you like he did." I didn't know how to respond, what to say. "Bella, please tell me you see what he's done to you."
"Jacob."
"When he left you in the woods, alone, I was here for you. I'm never going to leave you if you don't want me to."
"Jacob," I repeated once again as a tear slowly slid down my cheek. Jacob quickly came and sat next to me, grabbing my chin in his hand and turning my face towards him.
"Bells, I'm sorry." Delicately, he wiped the tears off my cheek and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me towards his chest. His strong embrace comforted me.
After a while, I lifted my head out of his chest, slightly embarrassed at my break down. My face was soaked with tears. Jacob lifted up the corner of his shirt to wipe my eyes. It was then that I noticed how dramatically he had changed in the past months. Jacob was no longer a child. As he slowly wiped to tears off my cheek with the bottom of his shirt, I took in the beauty of his muscles, his firm stomach, for the first time.
We just sat there in silence for a while. Jacob was giving me the time I needed. To help comfort me, Jacob abruptly grabbed my hand, pulling it to rest on his lap. Gently, his thumb traced circles on my hand. We just sat there, holding hands. His grip felt strong and secure, it felt comforting. But, for me, it was a friendly gesture. I knew, however, it meant more to him.
After some time, Jacob broke the silence. "Are you feeling any better, Bella?"
"I am, thanks. I needed that time, I just needed a moment to sit and think." I stood up, but Jacob did not release my hand. Instead, he too stood, still clasping my hand.
"Bella, tonight I would like to take you up to the rez. Maybe you should go upstairs and take a quick nap. I will wake you up when it is time to go." Jacob tugged on my hand, leading me upstairs to my bedroom.
After he left, I laid down on my bed, feeling alone once again. Instinctively, my hands wrapped around my stomach, and closed my eyes. I tried to fall asleep thinking about anyone but him, anyone but Edward.
~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~ JACOB ~
Edward was there. He was just standing there, looking at me. His topaz eyes locked with my own. But he looked different. His eyes looked sad, helpless.
"Bella," he said, desperation in his voice. "Bella, I still do love you, you have to understand that. But, it was for the best. I only did it to save you."
"You left me . . . you left me," was all I could manage to whisper.
Slowly, he began to walk towards me. But, he didn't seem to be getting any closer. "But don't you see that it was for the best? I only did it because I love you." Tears were falling down his face. I didn't know that he could cry, but his tears glistened like diamonds, leaving a wet trail down his pale cheeks as they fell. The sight of these tears made my heart flutter and my stomach drop. I no longer felt like I had to clutch my stomach just to hold myself together. Seeing those tears made me want to run and hold him. I had never seen him this sad.
"Don't you see that it's not for the best? That I am unable to function without you? It hurts too much to wake up and not be with you. I will always love you, but I don't see how you can love me so much that you can want to leave me."
As more tears fell down his flawless face, I felt tears begin to fill my own eyes, threatening to fall. But, my tears would not look like diamonds; my tears would just run down my face, leaving a trail of anguish and sadness. After all, I am not perfect, not flawless. That is why I can't be with him.
Slowly, he began to fade. "Edward, wait!" I said as the tears fell out of my eyes. "Come back . . ."
I awoke with a start, my face soaked with tears. Instinctively, my arms wrapped around my stomach. I now tried to hold back more than tears. I was coming apart and I couldn't keep myself together anymore. Whatever I do, Edward will always be there to torture me.
Slowly, I sat up and tried to release my grip on my stomach, but the dream was still not leaving. I didn't want to remember the tears streaming down his face. But, I could never forget them. Soon, tears began falling down my own face.
When I was finally able to stand up, I walked down the hall to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I hardly recognized the face I was seeing. My eyes were blood red and puffy. My cheeks were drained of colour, the red that Edward loved because it reminded him that I was alive, that blood was still coursing through my veins. But, that blood was what kept him from me.
I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water on my face. Just then, Jacob appeared in the bathroom.
"I heard you wake up." Jacob said. I knew that I couldn't hide my blood red eyes from him. "Bells, why are you crying?" He pulled me into a bear hug. He was so warm. I just closed my eyes and let myself cry.
"He left me." It felt like that was all I knew how to say.
"I swear, if I ever find him, he will pay for what he has done to you."
I was too tired to say anything. I just embraced him even tighter.
Unexpectedly, Jacob swept my feet from underneath me and carried me downstairs, out the front door, and sat me in the passenger's seat of my truck.
"Jacob, what are you doing? Where are we going?"
"I am getting you out of this place. I have a surprise for you down on the reservation."
A/N – so, here is my second chapter. I am having a tough time deciding where to go with this. I don't know if I want Edward to come back or not. . . Should Bella finally get together with Jacob. . . or should I keep Jacob hanging. As usual, REVIEWS are always welcomed