Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything except the ideas.

"It's a kendama!" shrieked Magnius, picking it up.

"A kendama…" Kvar looked shocked. "What's that doing here?"

"Who knows, but it's cool!"

"You always say that. And then you get in trouble and then you cry. Just like the time the killer bee swarm started killing you and whatnot!"

"Oh, shut up!"

Pronyma rose to her feet. "I'm…not…done yet!" She growled at Magnius and Kvar. "You will DIE!"

"Oh, will they?!"

"Yes!"

"Silence!"

All three of the bleeding people (in case you forgot, the blue jay made the men bleed, and Pronyma was hurt by Colette) turned. "Who are you?!" they all asked at the same time.

"I am Samantha the Summon Spirit of Little Woodland Creatures That Go 'Cheep, Cheep!'"

Magnius and Kvar gasped. "W-we need to make a p-p-pact with your brother," stammered Magnius.

"Oh, do you? Well then, do you have the Key?"

"The Key?"

"Yes. The Key of the Abyss. You can find it if you can convince the Holy Barrel Man to join your cause."

"Holy Barrel Man?"

"Well, that's what he calls himself. Until today he was known as Zelos Wilder."

"Why do we need THAT jerk?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!" yelled Samantha the SSoLWCTGCC. "Now go. Find the Holy Barrel Man."

"One question," said Kvar.

"Oh, alright, but only because I'm so nice."

"Um…why is he called the Holy Barrel Man?"

"Finally, an intelligent question! He is called the HBM because…well…he, uh…" She fidgeted nervously. "He…" Her voice became deathly quiet. "He is ruler of the barrels."

"And he has the Key of the Abyss?"

"Yep, he does."

"That's…strange."

"Well, he stole it." Samantha shrugged. "Oh, and from now on my name is Victoria."

"Okay…"

"Bye-bye!"

The two heroes were instantly teleported to Flanoir, where Zelos, a.k.a the HBM, was terrorizing the innocent bystanders. "GIVE ME YOUR FOOD, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!!!!"

Let us take a moment to view what Kratos was doing.

Kratos pulled out a bottle of hair gel. He dumped the whole thing on his head and started to shape his normally beautiful hair (A/N: Fangirl moment…) into the crude spines of Magnius's hairstyle.

He grabbed a staff that looked eerily like Magnius's and walked out the door. "Hello, fools, I am Magnius, back from the dead!" Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly because, after all, everyone was suffering the symptoms of Presea's disease Randomobia, all those Palmacosta people believed him.

Kratos took his time moseying on over to the item shop. He walked behind the counter ("Stay in front of the counter, you ass!") and stole the shop's entire stock of Palma Potions. Then he walked out of the shop, turned around and said one word…

"Eruption."

The whole place burst into flames. He stuffed the Palma Potions into a bag and went off, laughing maniacally. "Flame Lance!"

Regal showed up out of nowhere. "Why is Palmacosta burning?"

"No clue," responded Origin, who was accompanying him. "So…um…wanna go and…get some food? I'm…kinda hungry."

"Cross-dressers unite!" cried Regal. They went through a Sailor Moon-like transformation process and appeared again in pink frilly dresses. Origin giggled like a kindergartener and said in a girlish voice, "Let's go get some, like, low-carb ice cream!"

"You go girlfriend," said Regal in a valley girl voice.

Origin and Regal ran off, leaving a trail of sparkles behind them.

Back in Flanoir, Magnius had succeeded in calming Zelos down. "Alright. Holy Barrel Man, will you join our quest?"

"Why?" asked Zelos suspiciously.

"Because…I know this really hot girl…and she…wants to meet you?"

"Alright! Let's go!"

So the three journeyed back to the Temple of Earth after a run-in with Sheena, who stole Kvar's teddy bear and ran in pentagons around a random oak tree. They finally got the bear back and went to encounter Samantha, um, Victoria. When they got back, Victoria giggled. "I see you found him!"

"Yeah," said Kvar. "Sadly."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," said Zelos, bowing to Victoria. "Even though I'd rather be hurting people with barrels."

"Oh, wow," said Victoria. "You're just like Undine said."

"Damn straight!" exclaimed Zelos. "Anyways, what do you need me for?"

"You have the Key of the Abyss, do you not?"

"Oh, that? Yeah. I found it in my closet."

"Really? I thought you stole it! What was it doing in your closet?"

"Just sitting there. It wasn't doing anything."

"Oh. Well, give it to me."

"Why?"

"Because I said so," said Victoria.

"Okay!"

Zelos handed the key over. Victoria laughed maniacally. "NoW i CaN fInAlLy TaKe OvEr ThE wOrLd!1!1" she yelled.

"You? Take over the world? Don't…make…me…laugh."

"Presea!" exclaimed Zelos. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm…here to kill her. She is evil. She has lied to you."

"Oh," said Zelos.

"And, as a result…Fifi and I can take over the world!"

Fifi screeched. He pounded his chest with his fists.

"Calm down, Fifi. The world will soon be ours," said Presea calmly. "It will."

Magnius twitched. "So, wait. We're going to help Klonoa here to stop Victoria so SHE can rule the world?"

"Yeah!" yelled Kvar.

"You fool! Kvar, goddamn you, you don't do that! Either way, the world will be destroyed!"

"Oh. Never mind then."

"It is too late," said Presea.

To be continued…

So, how's it looking so far? Kvar and Magnius have a long journey ahead of them. And, Rin, thanks for reminding me. You aren't my best friend for nothing! See ya next time, and people, read Sesshy is sexii's fic "Hakkai's Journal." It's hilarious. But only read it if you're a Saiyuki fan, otherwise you might not get it at all. Well, that's all! I hope you all like sammiches! .