Hey Lovelies...
First let me offer you all a big apology for taking such a long time to update. (I believe this is a record for me.) I have had some very heavy family related issues come up lately. So, I have been spending a lot of time with them...and more time thinking about them when I am not with them physically. I hope you can all be patient with me during this time. I am fully and completely committed to this story. And as most of you know, I am a stickler for finishing what I start. My updates just may not be as frequent as you are generally used to. For that I am sorry. I promise to make it up to you by making sure this is a kick ass story.
In other news..."Grace" the novel version is trudging along...and I am so happy with how it is turning out. I have two wonderful muses who are proofreading, suggesting and basically giving me tons of support. (Long live late night e-mail pow wows!)
Taking a page out of Eccy's book (Kelsi's Secret...which is a phenomenally moving story), I would like to recommend anothersmallperson's story "So I've Fallen in Love"...this is her first story ever. She has a natural hand for writing, you won't be disappointed.
Alright then, let's get this show on the road...
The scream ripped through the air, causing Kelsi to wince for about the 100th time that day.
"LAUREN...NOOOOO!"
Kelsi let out a deep pent up sigh as she abandoned the remains of the snack she was attempting to make, to follow the trail of 3 year old screams. No scratch that, Matthew's screams had now been overshadowed by a deafening screech. The kind of noise that gave banshees a run for their money. Kelsi's forced composed walk gave way to a sprint across the dining room and into the living room.
She ran her fingers harshly through her long curls, gripping the ends tightly, as she seriously considered pulling it out by the roots.
At any other time the sight that greeted her may have caused her to laugh. Lauren was sprawled on the floor, her small tummy flattened against the hardwood floors, as her brother bounced on her back like she was a make shift trampoline.
"Stop! Freeze! Refrain! DO NOT MOVE!" Kelsi started, her stern voice raising with each new ignored order. At her final yell, she finally got their attention.
"What's wrong Kelsi? Lauren's my horsey." Matthew stated innocently, going so far as to show off his cute little dimple. But oh, no sir, she was not falling for that...again.
"K-Kelsi...p-please get h-him...off." Lauren grunted, her creamy face flushed with exertion and anger.
Matthew, knowing he had been caught, rolled off his sister unceremoniously.
"What is going on here?" Kelsi questioned, lowering herself to the floor, to be eye level with the kids. "All day today you two have been picking away at each other...and in the process me." Kelsi muttered the last bit to herself. Dear Lord, this was not the sort of day she needed....ever.
"She took my car." Matthew stated honestly, pointing an accusing pudgy finger at his sister.
"Lauren?" Kelsi asked, her eyebrows raised as she telepathically willed the little red headed girl to not be difficult.
Lauren attempted to win the impromptu staring contest with Kelsi. She hastily wiped her cloudy eyes as she felt the tears starting to form. She briskly pulled the car out of her pocket, handing it to Matthew with a muttered apology.
"Sorry Matty."
"It's okay Lala." Matthew said, placing a mushy kiss on his sister's pink cheek.
Kelsi felt her heart rate return to normal, as her stress level decreased a notch. She didn't know what was going on with Lauren. Usually the little girl was her helper throughout the day, a practically perfect example of good behavior. But lately, she had been acting up more and more. When Kelsi had questioned Sarah about it, the older woman was shocked. Apparently Lauren's less than stellar behavior was saved for Kelsi; as she was a model of perfection for her mother. Kelsi knew something was wrong, she just didn't know what that said "something" was.
"Lauren, would you mind coming into the kitchen to help me get the snacks?" Kelsi asked gently, knowing punishment wasn't going to help her get to the heart of the matter. "Matty, how would you like to watch a show, while Lala and I get the treats?"
Matthew didn't need to be asked twice. If he could, he would gladly sit stationary in front of a television all day long. "Can I watch "Backyardigans," please Kelsi?"
"You sure can Mister Man." Kelsi said, giving Matthew's rounded cheek a loud kiss.
"Kelsi, you kissed me." Matthew stated the obvious, before erupting into hysterical giggles. Dear Lord, the little boy was a charmer.
Kelsi quickly got Matthew settled, before holding her hand out to Lauren. Relief washed through her body when she felt the small girl's slight hand take her own. Well, that was reassuring, apparently, Lauren wasn't too mad at her.
Lauren let her small hand be enfolded by Kelsi's. She had not meant to act up, well, not really anyway. It was just that Kelsi had been spending so much time at the theater...with her new job. That wasn't to say she was spending less time with Lauren and Matty...it was just...different. Lauren couldn't help but be worried. What if Kelsi ended up liking the theater more than her and Matty? What then? Did that mean Kelsi would leave them? Loosing her Daddy had been so hard, Lauren didn't want to loose Kelsi too.
Kelsi got two green bowls down from the cabinet, as she continued to slice the remaining strawberries, which had been previously abandoned. She watched with a soft smile as Lauren wordlessly started to fill the bowls.
"What's going on Lady Bug?" Kelsi asked, her blue eyes wide with curiosity.
Lauren looked down at her hands, she didn't want to face Kelsi. She knew she had been behaving badly, she just couldn't seem to stop.
"Talk to me sweetie." Kelsi said, as she leaned over, letting her narrow finger gently graze Lauren's freckled cheek.
The tears started to fall freely from Lauren grassy eyes, as she finally looked at Kelsi.
"I-I'm s-sorry Kels Bells. I-I'm just s-scared." Lauren released with a sob.
Kelsi wasted no time in gathering Lauren in her arms, bringing the small girl's slight body to her own, as she rubbed soothing circles into her back. Kelsi felt her heart break, as Lauren's tiny arms grasped the back of Kelsi's cotton shirt tightly.
"Shh, it's okay lady bug, let it out." Kelsi soothed, as she felt her own eyes fogging up with tears. She allowed herself to take deep and calming breathes, setting the example for Lauren. Kelsi couldn't help but smile when she began to hear the little girl's exaggerated version of "calming breaths", she sounded like a mother attempting to give birth. "Are you ready to tell me why you are scared?" Kelsi asked, bringing the subject back to the broken confession Lauren had made a minute or so ago.
Lauren's shining strawberry hair bobbed up and down, as her clear green eyes lifted to meet Kelsi's large blue ones.
"I don't want you to leave us Kelsi." Lauren whispered, her breath beginning to catch, as tears once again threatened to fall.
Kelsi's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open, shock seemed to course through her entire being.
"Lady bug, why would you ever think I would leave you?" Kelsi asked incredulously, that was the last thing she had expected to hear come out of Lauren's mouth.
"You have been working more at the theater now. What if you decide you like that more than Matty and me?" Lauren took a deep breath, before rushing on. "I mean, the theater is one of my most favorite places, Matty's too."
Kelsi's lips parted in a watery grin, as she framed Lauren's small face in her palms.
"Lauren, while it is true I love the theater, there is something else I love even more." Kelsi confessed.
"What is it?" Lauren asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
"You and your brother." Kelsi supplied simply. "Don't you know by now sweetie, you and Matty have my heart tied so tightly around your fingers?"
"That doesn't seem very comfortable." The little girl countered honestly.
"It's a metaphor honey." Kelsi explained.
"What's a metaphor?" Lauren asked, her head tilted slightly to the side in curiosity.
Kelsi let out a giggle, as she gathered Lauren closely to her chest. She allowed herself to truly appreciate the feel of Lauren's smooth hair as it rested against her cheek and the sweet smell of her fruity shampoo.
"It just means that you and Matty are two of the most important people in my life." Kelsi explained lovingly.
"Oh." Lauren said softly, her lips widening in a huge full toothed grin.
"Just because I am taking on more responsibility at the theater doesn't mean I am going to spend less time with you and your brother." Kelsi consoled.
"I love you Kelsi." Lauren said, as she placed a light butterfly kiss on Kelsi's cheek.
"Oh Lauren, I love you so much." Taking the time to place fleeting kisses on Lauren's cheeks and nose before giving her a loud smacking kiss on the lips.
As Lauren's lyrical giggles filled the space, Kelsi felt a peace come over her. She had just made big promises to the little girl in her arms, but they were important promises, and she had every intention of keeping them.
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Ryan was sitting across from Kelsi in the crowded Thai restaurant, desperately trying to pay attention as she relayed her day to him. "Trying" being the operative word. It was so hard for him to concentrate on what she was saying, when she looked so beautiful while saying...whatever it was she was attempting to get across. Her hair was partially covered by the black knit hat she wore, while her visible curls provided a lovely rioting cascade in all directions. Her features were animated and her tone of voice expressive. Noticing this, Ryan steered his thoughts past how pretty his girlfriend was and worked to focus on what she was saying.
"Can you believe Lauren would ever think the theater would take precedence over her and Matty?" Kelsi said, taking a moment to notice the bemused expression on Ryan's face. Her last comment seemed to catch his attention though.
"She said that to you?" Ryan asked, temporarily forgetting about his daydreams regarding Kelsi's hair and all of the places he could imagine it being draped....like his pillow...and his pillow.
"She did, I was really surprised by it." Kelsi stated.
"Me too. I am always amazed by how intuitive kids are, specifically Lauren." Ryan countered. He had been given the pleasurable opportunity of spending even more time with Kelsi and the kids during the last couple of weeks. They were, to say the least, spectacular little people.
Kelsi's face froze at Ryan's comment.
"Why would you say she was intuitive, that would mean her feelings were valid?" Kelsi asked, taking care with her words. She was not the sort of person who went to far out of her way to stick up for herself, but when it came to her kids...
Ryan could sense they were venturing into dangerous territory. He was not entirely excited about this certain adventure, but he and Kelsi had made the promise to always be honest with one another. He wasn't about to make an exception now.
"Well, aren't they Kels? I mean composing and playwriting has always been what you wanted to do. That was your dream for as far back as I can remember." Ryan took in Kelsi's features during his whole explanation, trying to gage what effect his words were having on her. "Has that changed?"
Kelsi was pretty amazed, weren't these the same thoughts that had been traveling at lightening speed through her own mind not too long ago? But then, it had been different, she had only had to deal with her own confused emotions. Now, Lauren and Matty's were thrown into the mix and somehow, that addition made things seem a lot clearer.
"I still want those things Ryan. I just...also want more. My nannying job was originally an escape, a means to forget you." Kelsi paused as she noticed the slash of pain that crossed Ryan's features. She quickly reached over the expanse of the table and put her hand in his. "It obviously didn't work Ryan. You are pretty near impossible to forget." Kelsi said softly, her thumb tracing a light pattern on the top of Ryan's hand.
Ryan was once again trying to stay involved in the present conversation. It was just so damn difficult when Kelsi touched him. And obviously it didn't even need to be a passionate embrace, even the most innocent touch made his body feel as if it were in some sort of inferno.
"What more do you want Kels?" Ryan asked, forcing his mind back to her earlier comment.
"Over the last couple of years something has happened Ry. I-I have found being a part of Lauren and Matty's life to be as necessary as music. I need it, it's almost like it is a whole separate part of my life source." Kelsi shook her head bashfully, realizing how silly she probably sounded. "I sound ridiculous don't I?"
"On the contrary, I was thinking your confession was actually quite beautiful." Ryan shared gently. "And I can understand where you are coming from, I have only gotten to share in a few of your "Lauren and Matty outings", yet I am feeling kind of addicted to them myself. They are just contagious sources of happiness."
A broad smile spread across Kelsi's lips, as she listened to her boyfriend put her thoughts into perfect words.
"There does happen to be another person who has come to be just as necessary in my life." Kelsi shared, leaning forward, as if she was telling a secret.
Ryan moved forward in his own chair, he felt his breath catch, as his heart started to beat at a rapid tempo.
"And who might that be?" he said with a magnificent smile.
"You." Kelsi said simply, as her honest answer causing a becoming blush to spread across her cheeks.
"I love you Kelsi." Ryan hadn't planned on saying the words, especially in a crowded restaurant. But he couldn't help it, they seemed to have a mind of their own.
Kelsi's eyes widened, and her lips parted in a gentle "O". She kept trying to say something, to respond, all she got was her breath coming out in frantic gasps. She felt the tell tale moisture gathering in her eyes, and didn't even attempt to wipe the tears away as they fell uninterrupted down her face. The moment the first tear hit her lap, her voice came back.
"You have no idea how long I have been waiting to hear you say that. I think I had given up on it. Even though we were together, I didn't want to hold out hope that you felt that way about me. I was so scarred of being disappointed." Kelsi stared rambling, letting all of her pent up fears loose. It was as if Ryan had suddenly unlocked the box where she held all of her insecurities...they were free and out in the open, never to be locked away in her mind again.
"Kelsi, you should know, I plan on working so hard to never disappoint you." Ryan leaned over the small table, to kiss away his girlfriend's trailing tears. "And if and when I do, I will work equally hard to fix that said disappointment."
Kelsi looked into Ryan's steady blue gaze, recognizing the truth in his words. How did this happen? How on Earth did she manage to get this lucky? Never in her wildest imaginings had she pictured this exact moment. This was so much better than any fantasy she could have come up with. The man she loved, had always loved, was offering her perfection.
"There's something you need to know." Kelsi stated, forcing a serious tone to her voice.
"What's that?" Ryan asked, a little hesitantly.
"I love you too, have I mentioned that yet?" Kelsi stated proudly. She had never said those words to a man before. She had always thought by uttering them she would all of the sudden be more vulnerable. And it was true, she did just heighten her vulnerability to Ryan, but she had also strengthened their bond and relationship. Somehow by completely putting her heart on the line, she had come back stronger.
All of these revelations swirled through Kelsi's brain...and then they stopped. Because then Ryan's lips met hers, and all she could do was feel.
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As they walked back to Kelsi's apartment, their hands linked and their arms swaying gently, Kelsi brought herself back to their previous conversation.
"So, I made a promise to Lauren today." Kelsi began, giving Ryan an expectant look.
"I believe this is the part where I ask what kind of promise did you make?" Ryan stated, his blue eyes smiling into hers.
"I told her that I wouldn't leave." Kelsi relayed softly, with feeling.
Ryan stopped suddenly, almost causing Kelsi to loose her delicate balance on the still icy sidewalks.
"As in ever?" He asked, disbelief echoing throughout his features.
Kelsi met Ryan's gaze, as she braced herself for the upcoming conversation. She was expecting this to serve as a bit of a roadblock. But it was better to get it out in the open now, then to push it away until later.
"I definitely want to stay until Matty is in school full time. I don't want them to have to acquire a new nanny."
Ryan had not been planning on this. He understood Kelsi' need to see her job through and to be a source of support for the kids. But he had always figured they would end up back in New York...eventually.
"What about New York?" Ryan asked.
Kelsi took a deep breath before answering Ryan. "Actually Ryan, I don't really want to move back to New York. I love it here. New York was so big. Chicago still offers the city feel and a great theater district, but on a smaller scale. Not to mention, by staying here, I am always available to Lauren and Matthew."
Kelsi looked deeply into Ryan's eyes, trying to decipher what was going on inside his head.
Ryan let himself feel the disappointment that traveled through his body at her words. He needed to do that. It was better to acknowledge those feelings and let them free, as opposed to bottling them up, just waiting for them to erupt. As the small dose of sadness passed, he truly considered what Kelsi had just shared with him. Not only "what" but also how difficult this confession must have been for her. While Kelsi had made great leaps regarding speaking her mind and sharing her feelings with him, he could still tell it was oftentimes a difficult occurrence for the petite girl.
He had to admit, Chicago was a great fit for Kelsi. She had never really settled into a New York lifestyle, the pace of the city had always been a tad unhinging for her. But here, she flourished. And not just in a musical sense, even though Ryan had been so pleased to know she hadn't let that side of her personality go when she had fled years ago. She had a family of friends, people that were as important to her now as the ones she had previously left behind.
Ryan had the sudden realization that he could never ask her to leave this. He could never be a source of the unhappiness a move like that would cause her. There was really only one possible solution.
"I guess I'll just have to move here then." Ryan said cheerfully and with a dose of finality.
Surprise and shock filled Kelsi's expression. She hadn't been expecting that. She wasn't exactly sure what she had been expecting, but it hadn't been that. The way Ryan made the statement, it had been so sure and...final.
"You would do that? Just drop everything and start over here?" Kelsi asked incredulously.
Ryan moved forward, taking up as much of Kelsi's space as he possibly could. He gently traced her features with his fingers, relishing the pleasant chills and becoming blush that spread across her body.
"Don't you get it by now sweetheart, my home is where ever you are."
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As the neared the entrance to her building, Kelsi couldn't help but wish the walk had lasted longer. She simply wasn't ready for the night to end. In truth, she was never ready for any night spent with Ryan to end. They had been apart for such a long time; she was cherishing their new relationship. And not just the romantic aspect of it, but their friendship too. She had missed that...the security of having someone in her life that she could connect with on so many different levels. While it was true, she had numerous close friends, and she was so grateful for those relationships, her relationship with Ryan had always possessed an extra...spark...or something equivalent to that description.
She was still shocked by how easily Ryan had made the decision to stay indefinitely in Chicago. And while that shock, or surprise was still quite a prominent revelation, it was heavily overshadowed by the thrill that had rushed through her being at his announcement. How did she get so lucky? Seriously? Kelsi was still trying to figure out what she did to deserve the bushels of happiness that were tumbling all around her, like a summer storm.
Ryan was quite certain Kelsi had not yet realized they were standing on her doorstep. And he was in no rush to fill her in. He was more than content to let her continue staring at him with the bemused expression that was presently riding her features. He had not realized how empty he had been...until he saw her again. So many of his dreams were connected to the beautiful pixie standing before him.
Kelsi couldn't stop smiling, she felt like her face was going to be plastered in a perma-grin, if she didn't get a hold of herself soon. As she attempted to shake her happily dazed state off, she recognized her surroundings.
"Um...Ryan, how long have we been standing in front of my apartment?" Kelsi asked, her voice a soft murmur, as embarrassment began to take over.
Ryan bent down and brushed a feather light kiss upon her forehead.
"Awhile now." He answered.
"I guess it is a fair assumption that neither one of us want this night to end?" Kelsi stated evenly, while in her head an endless refrain of "no, I don't, no' I don't"...was on repeat.
"I wish it didn't have to Kels, but we have unfortunately reached your destination." Ryan said, wrapping his strong arms around her tiny body.
"What if it were our destination?" Kelsi asked timidly, choosing to ask the question to Ryan's shoulder blade.
Ryan gently brought his hand to Kelsi's cheek, bringing her gaze to his.
"Are you sure?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper. He wanted to go upstairs with her. He could think of nothing he wanted more than to wrap himself around her all night long. But that was a big step, he knew he was ready, but he needed her to be also.
"I'm sure. I mean, I-I've...never, you know...um..." Kelsi paused. Curse her nervous behavior. This was a time when her inner smoothness needed to come out. Obviously she had no smoothness whatsoever...inner or outer. Kelsi rushed through the rest of her explanation, before she lost her nerve. "I've never invited anyone up to my apartment before. Well, I mean I have, but they were all girls...and Charlie...but they weren't invited in the way that you are...invited...Oh God."
Ryan threaded his hands through Kelsi's curls, making her hat fall off in the process. He brought his chin to rest on the top of her head, letting the silky tresses tease his chin, making sure his sweet smile was hidden from Kelsi. He didn't want her to think he was laughing at her, she was just so damn cute.
"It goes without saying Kels, we don't have to do anything you aren't ready for." Ryan said, framing her face in his hands, while he gazed into her eyes.
Kelsi saw the truth and understanding in Ryan's unwavering gaze, and just like a light switch, she knew, she was ready.
"Don't you know by now Ryan, my home isn't a home without you in it."
A soft laugh escaped Ryan as he recognized her words. Taking her hand in his, he followed the woman he loved more than anything up the stairs.
Hope it was worth you wait! Thanks for taking the time to read.
Love,
Jen