Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything. At all. Except the ideas, obviously. So…enjoy.

Sorry again. Writer's block and no time (damn my extracurricular activities!) have caused little production in this chapter, but never fear! And, sorry Dracina, with two people voting for random appearances and one vote for alternating…we must go with random appearances. (Sesshy is sexii "voted" while we were at school, so…) I'm sad as well.

Magnius and Kvar had looked high and low, but there was still no sign of Lloyd. So Kvar came up with a solution:

"One of us could PRETEND to be Lloyd!"

"You think that would WORK!" screamed Magnius. "Kratos would know his son anywhere!"

"Well, yeah, but dont'cha think Forcystus looks like Lloyd?"

"NO," said Magnius. "First, the hair. Second, the eyes. Third, the freakin' arm."

"Oh yeah."

Yuan sighed. "Wanna sammich?"

"Yes," said both of the Grand Cardinals.

"My preciousssss," hissed Forcystus.

"Oh, will you just shut the fuck up!" yelled Kvar.

"OK," said Forcystus meekly.

-Meanwhile-

"Lloydie, let's go for a walk."

"A-again?"

"Of course!" Colette grabbed Lloyd and hugged him.

Lloyd struggled free and managed to say, "Colette…get away from me!" Then he collapsed due to air loss.

Colette laughed. Then she grinned evilly. She wrote for abouit 5 minutes and taped the paper to Lloyd's forehead. She ran off, and the only thing you could hear for a seven-mile radius was: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

However, Magnius, Kvar, Yuan and Forcystus were 7 ½ miles away.

MORONS!

So anyway, 2 hours later Lloydie woke up and read the note:

"Sweep, slave."

Yes, it had taken her 5 minutes to write that. Pathetic.

So, Lloyd picked up the broom, sighed, and got to work. He was using the wrong end, though, and the sharp, bristly end was pointing up. He ended up wounding his face with the broom. He ran around screaming and bleeding until Colette came back, which was about 3 hours later. "Lloydie!" she gasped.

He started crying. "The broom, it hurt me!" he wailed.

"Oh, poor Lloydie!"

Kratos, who was randomly there, crashed in through the window. "Lloyd!"

"Daddy, the broom hurt me!"

"Again?" asked Kratos.

"Yeah…"

Kratos sighed. "Well. After we escape from the lions and the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse, we can get you healed."

"Okay, Daddy."

"Now…run!" Kratos was gone in 5 seconds.

"Damn you!" yelled Colette.

Lloyd waved "bye-bye" to Colette. Then he ran away, screaming like a little girl on fire.

To this day, the old people (most of them are senile, anyway) say they can see the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse buried in the dirt. And since Pronyma just HAPPENED to be passing by, she was nearly killed. Again. What I want to know it, why hasn't she just DIED yet?

So, after they had escaped from Colette Brunel's wrath, Yuan appeared out of nowhere. He screamed, "I FOUND LLOYD!" He looked around and spotted Lloyd's father. "KRATOS! I FOUND LLOYD!"

Kratos yelled, "LLOYD! THANK GOD YOU'RE ALRIGHT!"

Lloyd was left in confusion. "I thought YOU found me, Daddy."

"Nonsense!" said Kratos proudly. "I never do ANYTHING myself!"

"Ya killed Kvar."

"I did not…see?"

Magnius, Kvar and Forcystus were running in slow motion as dramatic music played in the background.

But where was Zelos, the Holy Barrel Man?

Well, I'd say it, but…oh, fine. Zelos was at the newly formed Palmacosta Zoo (which is weird, because Palmacosta was completely destroyed by a CERTAIN REDHEADED ANGEL COUGH COUGH KRATOS COUGH COUGH), feeding innocent children to the wyverns.

Presea was walking by and noticed Genis, picking the locks at a Crush Tortoise's cage. For a moment, sanity broke through, and she wondered, "Aren't we in Sylvarant, and don't Crush Tortoises live in Tethe'alla?" But then she looked at Fifi. "Fifi, we must see what is going on." She approached Genis. "What are you doing?"

Genis didn't bother looking up. "I'm releasing my evil army."

"With a test tube?"

"Hey, it picks locks just fine."

"But…a test tube…" She looked at the glass object. "You, half-elf, are a genius! Would you join me in my quest for world domination?"

"But of course!" said Genis. The lock broke, and out came 10 Crush Tortoises. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! My army…they have been…SEPARATED!" cried Genis dramatically. That little ditty that's all like "Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnn" played in the background.

"Like totally," came a none-too-girlish voice…

"REGAL!" the two "warlords" screamed.

Regal giggled. "Yeah, like, who ELSE, like, would it, like, be?"

"Like, me! Totally!" spuealed Origin.

This time they were wearing green, low-cut shirts that said "Go Country." They were holding denim handbags and their jeans looked rather tight.

Zelos wandered over and looked down their shirts. "That is just WRONG!" he screamed, obviously in horror and disgust. "And I thought you two were just really ugly girls!"

"Thank you," said Origin modestly.

Zelos grew irritated and shoved barrels over the crossdressers. Then he turned to a little old lady selling automobile insurance and screamed, "YOU CAN TAKE THAT STUPID BOWL OF SOUP BACK!" before feeding her to the wyverns, too.

Presea gasped. "You must join our league of People Under the Age of 30 Who Are Attempting to Take Over the World, or PUAWAATOW, for short."

"Pwawatoe? Sounds fun! So, do we, like, cut off people's toes or something?"

"No. PUAWAATOW is designed to take over the world using intricate signals, armies of Crush Tortoises and an evil monkey that originally cost 10,000 Gald, but I stole him. Anyway, we must…" Fire lit up in the background, and Genis laughed maniacally. "We must take the world by force! And we must do it right!" The warlords calmed down. "Will you join?"

"Sounds fun, but…I have a date that night."

"Dammit!" both of them swore.

"Sorry," said Zelos, sighing.

Presea nodded. "I understand. Perhaps next time."

"Perhaps," agreed Zelos. "And now, I take my leave! Goodbye, little warlords! I wish you luck in your quest!"

After he had left, Presea asked Genis, "How much you wanna bet that date was with a guy?"

Genis smiled. "Betcha 50 Gald he's bi."

Presea nodded. "It's a fair bet. 50 says he is homosexual."

(I have nothing against homosexuals…it's just…how many of YOU have thought Zelos was bi more than once? several thousand people put their hands in the air Exactly.)

So Genis and Presea proceeded to pick all the remaining Crush Tortoise locks.

Now let's get back to the two "heroes" and Forcystus.

"Since Yuan has found my beloved son," said Kratos, ruffling Lloyd's hair, "I will join you in your quest to find Sam's dormitory."

"Just wondering…how do you know?"

"Oh. His sister, Samantha, told me."

"Samantha…" Magnius thought back to that epic battle. Well, it wasn't REALLY epic, but…once can lie once in a while, right?

For those of you who said "no," damn you.

For those of you who said "yes," have a cookie.

Kratos pulled out a map and, holding it upside-down, started to walk west. "This way," he declared triumphantly.

Then he turned around. "Or was north this way?" He was facing east.

"No…north is that way," said Yuan, pointing upwards. "Duh."

"Oh, of course!" exclaimed Kratos, slapping his head with his gauntlet-clad hand. "All right! Since Yuan, Lloyd and I can all fly, we'll see ya there!"

Lloyd, Yuan and Kratos sprouted their wings and, scattering a few feathers, started to fly directly upward. Three minutes later they fell and started spluttering. They'd gone up five miles and had nearly died due to the lack of oxygen up there. "Okay, forget that," Kratos choked.

"North is that-a-way, sonny!" cackled a strange old woman riding a bicycle.

"Who are you?" everybody asked dramatically, except Forcystus who was playing hopscotch. Which is weird because isn't he pretending to be Gollum?

Well…whatever. Anyway, while Forcystus was playing hopscotch, the others had a not-so-intelligent conversation on Tide™, socks, sammiches and brooms.

Lloyd's thoughts on brooms: "They are evil incarnate."

Kratos's thoughts on brooms: "I like brooms. What, they hurt my son! Damn them!"

Kvar's thoughts on brooms: "Brooms. Pshaw."

Magnius's thoughts on brooms: "Ewwwwww, icky brooms!"

Forcystus's thoughts on brooms: "Hopscotch! Yay!"

I could continue…but I don't think you'd want me to.

So, at that very moment, Zelos ran toward them, screaming, "The sorta valuable Zelos is coming your way!"

"That sounds familiar," muttered Lloyd. "I can't recall where I've heard it though…"

Kratos said, "Who knows?" rather mysteriously.

"Exactly," said Zelos, beaming. "Now let's go! Let's go let's go let's go!"

"SHUT UP!" screamed everyone else.

"Yes sirs," said Zelos meekly.

Kratos drew his sword, and by some miracle of nature, started to walk north. Yuan and the rest of the posse followed, Magnius playing the bassoon, Kvar on the drums and Forcystus on the flute. Yuan sang a song about Kratos, and this is how it went:

"Kraaaaaaaatoooooooooos the miiiightyyyyyyyyyyy! Kraaaaaaaaaaatooooooooooooos the braaaaaaaaaaaave! Goooooooooing toooooooo a colleeeeeeeeeeeege to geeeeeeet soooooooooomething niffftyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Um…from a Summooooooooooooon Spiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit oooooooof…hey, do you know what Sam is the Summon Spirit of?"

"Sanity," chorused Magnius and Kvar.

"What's sanity?" asked Yuan.

"Something we don't have," said Kratos. "I think."

"Oh," said everyone.

Yuan went back to his song. "Oooooooooooh Kraaaaaaaaaatoooooooooos! What would the wooooooooooooorld do withooooooooooooooooout yoooooooooouuuuuuuu! We would diiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee paiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinfullyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Oooooooooh Kraaaaaaaaaaaaaatoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos!" sang Yuan. Then he burst into an Italian song about sammiches again. The group stopped to listen.

"Aw man. I liked it better when he sang about me," said Kratos, looking slightly put out.

"Oh, well," said Magnius, sighing. "Nobody has ever sung about us."

"You poor people," said Kratos sadly. "At any rate, we must be vigilant! We must…what does 'vigilant' mean?"

"…Crunchy and good with cheese?" suggested Forcystus. "My precious," he added.

"That's what it sounds like," said Lloyd, shrugging. "Now, let's go!" he said, jumping into the air like he does whenever he uses that Wing Pack.

Kratos posed, cameras went off, and then the group started to head north again.

"So, wait. If this is north, then what's fribbledehoozot?" asked Lloyd uncertainly.

"Fribbledehoozot? Is that even a word?" (It's pronounced frib-bull-dee-WHO-zott.)

"It's somewhere between southeast and northeast," said Kvar smartly.

"So, that'd be east, right?"

"NO, it's fribbledehoozot!" yelled Yuan. "Don't you get it?" He hit Magnius over the head with one of Zelos' barrels.

"So should we walk fribbledehoozot?"

"No, we should walk north. But we can go fribbledehoozot afterward, okay dad?"

Kratos shrugged. "Whatever."

"Yay!" He and Yuan linked arms and started do-si-doing, singing, "We're going fribbledehoozot, fribbledehoozot, fribbledehoozot, oh yes!" and did an Irish-looking jig. It was really weird.

Kratos yelled, "That's my boy!" and patted Lloyd on the back.

Lloyd said, "Ow."

Magnius screamed, "IF WE'RE ALL DONE NOW, I'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO THE GODDAMN JOURNEY!"

"Why? Don't you like life like this? I mean, come on! Sammiches made at our beck and call! Dancing monkeys!" said Kvar, pointing at Lloyd. "We even have a crazed Barrel Lord!"

Zelos grinned proudly. "Yes I am!"

"You know, you have issues."

"I know," said Zelos. "And I am sorta important, too!"

"Yes, yes you are," said Kratos distractedly. "Hey, who's that?"

"I think it's Pronyma. Again," added Kvar.

"Oh, her. Wait, wasn't she killed by the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse?"

"That's what I thought, too," said Magnius glumly.

Pronyma spotted them and came over there. "Well, hello, boys," she purred.

"Shut up," said Yuan. "I will NEVER make a sammich for you! NEVER!"

"Oh, we'll see about that!"

Allow me to explain. You see, this situation was caused by a pretty funny occurrence back before chapter 7, in which they met entered the Temple of…oh, never mind. Anyway, that marked the first appearance of Pronyma. But Pronyma had before been trying to harness the holy power of the sammiches. That is when Yuan found out that Pronyma was lactose intolerant, and that's why he gave her a cheese sammich. But this stuff happened before all that.

"Yuan! Yuan, where are you?" called Pronyma.

Yuan appeared in a puff of purple smoke. "You called?" he asked pleasantly.

"No," said Pronyma.

"Liar," said Yuan.

"Listen, Yuan…Lord Yuan," she amended, "would you make a sammich for me? I have heard they contain mystical power!"

"Well, yeah, they do. What's it to you?" He blinked and wrote it down, for it rhymed.

"Um, I am trying to obtain the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair. Do you know if consuming enough sammiches would allow me to get this power?"

Yuan scoffed. "Well, if you kill enough innocent people, will they come back to life?"

"No, said Pronyma.

"Well, I actually have no idea. Sorry."

"You lie," hissed Pronyma. "I know you lie!"

"Nope," said Yuan cheerfully. "Honesty is the best policy…unless you break something."

Pronyma wrote these words of wisdom down. "Now then…will you make me sammiches?"

"I…I don't know, Pronyma," said Yuan carefully. "I mean…I've never used my sammiches for evil purposes before."

"Oh, come off it, Yuan! I'm not evil! You know that, don't you?" she asked, blinking in a feminine way at him.

"Stop trying to seduce me! It will not work, witch!" said Yuan angrily. "Because you're ugly," he finished.

Pronyma felt rather hurt. "But…Lord Yuan…"

"Silence," said Yuan forcefully. "You have heard my decree. Now go!"

"But…"

"Fine! One sammich. Which type would you like?"

"One without cheese or dairy…I'm lactose intolerant."

"Oh. I will keep that in mind."

"Thank you, Yuan."

Yuan prepared a turkey sammich and handed it to Pronyma. "Here…it's got no mayo."

"Okay," said Pronyma. "And…thank you, Lord Yuan."

Yuan shrugged. "Making sammiches is…a hobby of mine."

Pronyma bit into the sammich and said, "What a weird, I mean, delightful hobby."

"Weird!" screamed Yuan. "You don't mean it!"

"Of course not," said Pronyma nervously.

"You WERE using my sammich for an evil purpose! You must die!" screamed Yuan. Pronyma screamed and ran away.

And that was the end of that.

Yuan sighed. "Pronyma, I can't make sammiches for you! You are evil!"

"Weren't you evil at one point?" wondered Lloyd. He then abruptly forgot about that moment and said, "Never mind." (You probably have figured this out already, but while they were under the effects of Presea's strange disease, the victims remembered little, if not none, of their lives before they were infected. I merely included this note to make sure a certain someone named Rin remembers. Sometimes she's a little scatterbrained.)

Yuan scratched his head. "I was?"

"Pish-posh!" scoffed Magnius snootily. "Onward ho to victory!"

"You're freakin' British and you got 'tally ho' mixed up with 'onward'? That's pathetic."

"SHUT UP!" wailed Magnius.

"Okay, whatever," said Zelos airily.

"Vateva, vateva, vateva," said Forcystus, speaking like Dracula. (That means, "Whatever, whatever, whatever," in case you didn't know. Although I suppose you figured it out. You're not idiots, although you are drastically lowering your social status by even reading this - Ha ha! I made a funny!)

"What the hell?" was everyone's immediate response.

"If you do not tell me where the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair is, I will be forced to kill you!"

"But I do not know!" insisted Yuan.

"Is this going to result in another drastic twist in the quest to force us to yet again become sidetracked?"

"Probably. Think of how the storyline of the game went. Seriously! It started as 'save the world.' Then it went to 'kill the Desians' to 'Kratos betrayed us oh nooooo' to 'save Colette' to 'save both worlds' to 'stop the Great Seed' to 'kill Mithos and destroy his Cruxis Crystal'! C'mon! And don't even get me started on the 'Kratos is Lloyd's father' thing!" Forcystus sighed exasperatedly.

"Whoa! That's, like, a lot."

"I know, precioussssssssssss," hissed Forcystus.

"Okay, whatever," said Zelos again.

"Vat—"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" screamed everyone else.

"Sorry…"

"Now…prepare to fight!"

To be continued…

Sorry it took so long, guys! I ran out of ideas…huge writer's block! But as you can see, I got over it. I never could've done it without my best friend, Rin. Okay, so I probably could've, but I want her to feel special. So, Rin, you'll let me borrow the manga, right? RIGHT?