Well, I'm back. Again. I bet all you fans were waiting on the edge of your seats for this day. As my best friend Rin-chan can tell you, I was on an idea death thingamabob. But now I'm back. In action. With fruit. And I don't own this. TOS, I mean. Duh.

Yuan giggled from the bush that everyone was randomly hiding in, which makes me wonder how they all fit. "Isn't it awesome?"

Pronyma was still screaming in pain(?). "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Magnius whispered, in the authoress' sad attempt to remind her poor readers that he is British, "What the bloody hell?"

Kvar, in the authoress' sad attempt to remind her poor readers that he is wearing puppy dog pajamas, said, "I think I need new pajamas."

Everyone stared at him oddly. "What brought that up?" asked Lloyd.

"No idea."

Pronyma was, by some divine intervention, still screaming…and still alive. Her face was an awful shade of burgundy, but she was alive. (A/N: what color is burgundy, anyway?)

Kratos sighed. "So…what are we going to do now? Unless this divine intervention that has been brought down by angels who are obviously not Yuan, Lloyd, Zelos or I is eliminated, Pronyma will continue to live."

"Yep," said everybody else.

"So we must kill every other angel that's here."

"Well, there's Colette," said Lloyd, pointing fribbledehoozot to where Colette was standing for no apparent reason. "Hey look, Dad's there too. No wait."

Kratos harrumphed. "I'm RIGHT HERE, Lloyd."

"I know. That's why I said 'no wait.' Also, doesn't that kind of look like a girl?"

"Kind of. Hard to tell from here. That leather armor is kinda tight, though," said Kratos. Ah yes, quality time with Dad, trying to figure out if that person has breasts or not.

"While you two PERVERTS are enjoying the view, I would like to point out that Pronyma is inside," said Zelos.

"Is she?" asked Yuan. "Now all we have to deal with is…well, Bo—"

"NO!" yelled everyone else, causing their location to be given away, which caused the female version of Kratos and Colette to rip the bush up.

"Hiya Lloyd," said Colette shyly. "This is my new subordinate, Rotaks. We are going to capture you!"

Rotaks rolled her eyes and murmured something under her breath.

"What was that?" asked Colette happily.

"Nothing," hissed Rotaks. (A/N: By the way, it's pronounced "ROW-talks.")

"Well, would you please engage the plan?"

"Certainly, my…mistress," said Rotaks through gritted teeth. Obviously she didn't like Colette very much. And then, I shall take her body and live forever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! she thought.

Yo lady, I'm the ONLY one allowed to have italic print, foo'.

Anyway, after the interruption from the crazy disembodied voice, Rotaks whistled shrilly, and everyone with good hearing (ie: all of them) cringed.

There was a loud THUD…THUD…THUD noise as is typical of evil plans. Then a huge, 5,000,000-foot tall Dora the Explorer wielding a 3,000,000-foot tall strip of bacon showed up out of nowhere! Huh? What's that? It wasn't 5,000,000 feet tall? It was only 1 foot tall? And there was no bacon? What the hell! I spent YEARS researching this, don't you DARE tell me I'm wrong!

Okay, so…it was only a foot tall and there was no bacon present.

Yuan stared at it. "Um…what the heck is that supposed to do?"

Kratos was looking at Rotaks closely. "You know, you look familiar. If you get rid of those melons on your chest, you might be as hot as me," he added for no reason at all, for it was put in for comedic relief.

Rotaks slapped him. HARD.

Zelos flinched. "I felt that!"

Magnius blinked. "And how in the bloody hell would you be able to, you tosser?"

Everyone gasped.

Botta looked at the Dora thingy and ran away screaming. He paused halfway, stole a fluffy bunny (he IS the FBS after all), and continued on his merry way.

"Well what was the point of having him even show up then?" asked Kvar irritably.

Well, duh. To distract you while Rotaks puts her plan in action.

Everyone stared at the sky for a moment in disbelief, and then turned attention back to Rotaks, who was indeed chanting something that sounded malevolent.

"I know where I remember her from now!" said Kratos.

"Oh…she's that bitch who blew up our treehouse when we were little," said Yuan, sniffling. "Wasn't her name—"

"SILENCE!" yelled Rotaks. "Now is the time you die, Kratos!"

Kratos turned to Lloyd. "Important lesson in being a hero number 17: When someone says that, you often don't die."

30 seconds later Kratos was floating there, translucent and pissed off about it. "Anyone got any Life Bottles?"

Colette tossed one to him. Everyone, especially Rotaks, stared at her oddly.

"YES! I AM ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE AGAIN!" screamed Kratos.

Lloyd said, "Yay, Daddy!"

Rotaks glared. She put her hands in a praying position. "That is IT!" From her hands came a mystical light…

Pronyma slammed her door open. "The Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair!" she screamed.

…and a piece of bacon appeared in her hands. This was, in fact, the very piece of bacon involved in the plan.

"Ooooh, bacon," said Zelos, who had a known weakness for bacon.

The 1-foot Dora ate the bacon. NOW is it 5,000,000 feet tall? Oh, good.

So the Dora the Explorer grew at an extremely rapid rate to 5 MILLION FEET TALL! It boomed in an extremely deep voice, "EL AMOOOOOOOOOOR!"

Kratos' eye twitched. "'The love'? WHAT LOVE?"

Lloyd said, "Maybe it's just a catchphrase. You know, like…'Blame your fate'!" He posed just like Kratos.

"Good job, son."

"Say, uh…how can you speak Spanish?" asked Magnius.

"Oh, well, you see…um…IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

Rotaks raised her still-glowing right hand and yelled, "Destroy Kratos!"

Colette, in the confusion, kidnapped Lloyd…again.

Lloyd screamed, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"LLOYD!" shrieked Kratos. He tried to get to his son, but to no avail, for the giant Dora said, "EL AMOOOOOOOOR," and knocked him out of the way.

Yuan saw he had no choice. Whipping out his huge-ass weapon, he spun it over his head several times in a rather sexy fashion. "THUNDER EXPLOSION!"

Yes, my friends, THIS…is a REAL fight scene. Not like that joke of a fight between Samantha and Presea.

Magnius noticed the television, forgotten in the plan. Then, uncharacteristic for him, he got a brilliant idea! He is, after all, the hero. "Zelos! Um, I mean, Holy Barrel Man!"

"Wha?"

"Well, I have a plan, but I need you to help! Do you see that television?"

"Um, yeah."

"Okay! Could you fly over there and get it?"

"Using what? I can't fly!"

"Aren't you an ANGEL?"

"Oh yeah." So the Holy Barrel Man retrieved the television.

Kvar walked over to them. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Kvar! Do you conveniently still know Spark Wave?"

"Yep!"

Well, ain't that a kick in the head?

"Okay. See that weird tail sticking out of it? I want you to use Spark Wave on it."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

Yuan had launched into a killer combo. The little combo sign read, "1,529,512,888,923,740 hits!"

Kratos was casting Judgment.

Rotaks was watching, with sorrow in her eyes, oddly enough.

Magnius turned back to the television, which now had enough power for 2 mere minutes of broadcast.

Kratos finished casting, and several rays of light shot down from the heavens. Kratos wondered aloud, "Who is DOING that?"

Magnius flipped channels until he came to a particular one. In this, a badly-drawn monkey with red boots was asking an empty spot next to him, "What do we do now?"

Kvar said, "I love this show!"

Forcystus was eating a popsicle. "I like popsicles. Woot!"

Magnius handed the television to Zelos. "Throw it at the monstrosity!"

"What, you mean Yuan?"

"NO! The giant, 5 million foot thing!"

So Zelos aimed, and, with the television having but 10 seconds left of power, threw.

The effect was instantaneous. Yuan's combo sign, which read, "An infinite amount of hits!" blinked for a moment and disappeared. Yuan was rewarded with 7,000 GRADE.

You see, Dora had been sucked back into the television realm from whence she came.

Rotaks was left standing there in shocked silence.

Magnius said, "Bloody hell! That was intense."

Kratos walked over to Rotaks. "So. Where has Colette taken my son?"

"I don't know…"

"DON'T LIE TO ME, BITCH!" roared Kratos with a rare moment of sanity.

Rotaks looked at him with a hurt expression. She ran off.

Yuan looked at his huge-ass weapon. "What are these things called, anyway?" he asked Magnius.

"Like I'd know."

"I think they're…swallows…or sparrows…or something," said Zelos.

Kratos sighed and joined the rest of the group. "So let's see. We know that Colette has, yet again, captured my beloved son."

"And that she has successfully mastered the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair," said Yuan, a worried look on his face.

"What is that, exactly?" asked Kvar.

"Well, the Ultimate…the UPGLC is a special type of magical energy. It's remarkably similar to mana in that it allows the user to cast various devastating spells. The difference is that it's much more powerful."

"So, what can we do to stop it?"

"That…nobody knows. I have a few suspicions, but we'll have to wait until she comes back, because God knows that all the villains come back after we open a can of whoop-ass on them to get revenge."

"It seems like she wanted revenge already," said Forcystus. Everyone stared at him. He looked at them all and then remembered his insanity and added, "The Precioussss."

Everyone was satisfied.

"So, how are we going to find Colette, and more importantly, Lloyd?" asked Kratos worriedly.

"Well, we could ask several random townspeople that obviously know nothing about what we're saying, we could guess, which wouldn't work considering we're all idiots, or we could follow that glaringly conspicuous trail of pink angel feathers that probably belong to Colette."

Everyone thought about it.

All of a sudden, a squirrel ran out in front of them. It chattered for a moment.

Kratos stared at it. He took three steps toward it. Picking up the squirrel, he said, "It's sooooooooooo cute!" He blinked twice. Then he ate the squirrel.

"EWWWWWWWWWWW!" shrieked Yuan in a transvestite-ish way.

Pronyma stared at him for a moment. Nobody knew she was still there.

Zelos hit her.

She cried.

All of a sudden, Regal popped up in front of Kvar. Turning to Magnius, he screamed, "HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEXY!"