"Turning Back" and the general plot of Turning Back is copyright Orin Drake 2006. All characters and the world contained within belongs to Square-Enix and Disney. And they seem to own me, too. I am their bitch, apparently.

Background: Dealing with some stuff. And then this idea popped into my head and I just had to write it. Yay catharsis. Let's just say... I feel disturbingly close to Riku sometimes, and delving deeper into his mind is always an interesting thing. Poor kid. Heh. I think you might be able to call this angst-sap. ...Until you pay a little more attention. Then it's just a little painful.

Turning Back
by Orin Drake

It was the understanding, compassionate, perfectly loving smiles that drove him away. He could have dealt with them hating him, or even not being able to look at him in some half-conscious effort to avoid the subject entirely. But those accepting eyes... he couldn't handle that.

Didn't they remember what he'd done? The choices he'd made that very nearly tore all aspects of the fucking universe--nevermind just their lives and their friendship and their own world--apart?! There couldn't be that much honest love in all of existence... it was wrong. It wasn't real. Wasn't anything that he deserved. The casual thanks of the villagers on the mainland didn't hurt nearly as much, didn't cut as deep as casual laughter and teases from... friends. Like nothing happened that couldn't be fixed.

He couldn't be fixed. He was a battered toy, finally cast aside and barely able to stand on his own legs.

He hadn't stood on his own legs.

He gave them both a mild smirk--what passed for the replacement of his old smug grin--and wished them an early goodnight. He was just tired, he'd said. Just a long day and maybe he was getting sick, he insisted. Had to rest. So he could see them in the morning.

He was just untying the boat from the dock when he heard the soft voice behind him. "Riku."

With perfect, practiced motions, he turned and sort of smiled and pretended to be innocent. Rope in his hands, boat at his side in the dark of night. Having snuck out of his house to get there, using each and every one of the skills he'd learned during the journey to pass quickly and quietly through the dark without leaving a trace.

But of course Sora would be able to track him. Sora knew--and when their eyes met, Sora's were trying so hard to hide their horror and sorrow. If he hadn't stayed up, if he hadn't had the urge to take a walk along the beach... he may never have suspected. And just the thought of letting his best friend slip through his fingers...

Riku swallowed at the look in the younger boy's eyes. It was heart-wrenching... which was almost funny, in a vaguely disgusting kind of way. "Hey." He greeted like he still retained his old cockiness, voice artificially steady.

Sora's throat closed for a moment, seeing each and every thing about the situation that had gone horribly, achingly wrong. He swallowed, urged his voice to work, ignored the burning behind his eyes and tried so hard to unclench his fists. The words came out far deeper and more softly than he'd intended. "What're you doing, Riku?"

"Goin' fishin'." He responded just as naturally as he could, forcing the words, forcing the fake laughter and feeling his stomach clench painfully. Don't make me say good-bye...

"You're running." Whispered realization.

When Riku didn't hear accusation in Sora's tone, he turned back to the boat. "I... I can't stay here. I don't belong."

"That's not true..." So soft, just a rush of breath...

He knew if he didn't do it right then, he'd never find the strength again. He'd get caught up in blind hope, in the ridiculous faith that maybe things might ever be okay. He tossed the rope into the boat, grasping the side and readying to cast off--

Sora grabbed his wrist. He hadn't even known he'd stepped forward that quickly, but the solid feel of Riku's wrist in his hand gave him strength. "That's not true." He repeated, more confidently. "This is..."

"Not home." Riku finished, almost inaudibly. The truth of his statement shook him--and he was not the only one if the slackened grip on his wrist was any indication. His teeth clenched as he winced, realizing... "I... I can't stay, Sora." His eyes closed tightly against the world, a false edge of laughter drowning in the words. "I'll just wind up destroying everything. I don't deserve this."

Instead of letting go, the grasp on the older boy's wrist only renewed. "How can you think that?! Riku, you saved us! You helped to save everything!"

"I was also part of the destruction." He hissed, trying to yank his hand away--but being unable. Despite his strength and Sora's smaller stature, they were just about evenly matched. Unless the younger boy was feeling extra righteous, that was. "I fucked up."

"We all did at some point." He stared, hard, waiting for the aqua-marine gaze to meet his own. Finally Riku looked at him, and he sighed with the broken look his eyes held. "But it's all forgiven--"

"I don't want to be forgiven." The older boy growled, finally yanking his wrist away with the intensity of his words.
"It's not about that!" Sora shouted, willing himself to be angry... but failing. "Riku... it's not... what you're taking it to mean."
"I don't even know what I mean." He sighed raggedly, staring out to sea.

"We love you, Riku." The words were a rush of consciousness; he hadn't planned them, hadn't even quite been thinking them... but when they were met with a surprised silence, Sora tried to find the courage to keep speaking. "It's true. Kairi and I... we understand, dammit."

"You love a memory." Riku whispered, his voice cracking. He was no longer anything like that cocky little bastard he'd once been. And he may never be able to return to that.

Sora grasped his wrist again--more gently, that time. He tugged, turning the older boy's body until they were facing one another. He didn't care that he was shaking with the fear that he'd already lost his best friend, with the rage he felt toward himself for letting it happen; he just needed to speak. "No, Riku. We love you. As what you are now. And what you will be. We're friends. That doesn't end because someone makes a mistake."

"It was a big damn mistake." He countered, not quite managing to glare down at the younger boy. He remembered... the things that were said and done... There was no erasing those.

"Look, Riku..." Sora took a breath, dropping his head as though it were just too heavy for him. With all the things swirling in it, it might well have been. "We don't... want you to change, if that's what you're thinking. Do you know what I went through the find you? I didn't do it because I thought I could change you back to what you used to be! I... You're Riku. Your heart... will always be the same. And that's all I needed to know. I wish you'd understand that."

The older boy felt a burning is his throat, his lungs. "You don't... you can't know... You can't mean that, Sora..."

"I do!" he half-shouted, fists suddenly clenching in Riku's shirt as he met the other boy's eyes with all the fierceness of a battle to come. "Do you know how worried we've been? How much it hurts when you walk off by yourself and we have to pretend not to be worried or we'd only wind up worrying each other more? Do you have any idea how crushed Kairi would be if you took off in the night and we never saw you again? And... and I wouldn't..." He looked away, clearing his throat and finally letting go, hands falling limply to his sides. "I know you... you're not one to stay in one place by choice. I understand that. But... I'd really like it if... you'd think of this as home. And come back once in a while."

Riku's breath caught painfully. He felt as if he'd just been punched in the gut... but there was warmth, too. After a moment of trying to breathe, he finally managed to whisper, "Do you mean that? Even with... even with the Darkness that's still inside me..?"

Sora nodded, unable to look up just then. So stupid... he was so emotional and childish and... "Darkness is just... the other side of Light, right?"

He wasn't sure he liked where that was going... but Riku made a sound of acknowledgment. It wasn't all dark inside, anymore. But, sometimes... he felt it more.

"Friends share." Sora finally managed to raise his head with a timid smile. "So... if you share your Darkness with us, we'll share our Light with you."

He was scared. Gods but he was terrified--it'd been so easy to give into the Darkness that first time... but he'd learned so much since then. As had Sora, and even Kairi; not to mention the knowledge that their Nobodies imparted when they'd been joined. They all knew the signs to watch for... and had the strength and skill to stop things before they started. Somewhere... somewhere in the depths of his being... he felt that almost unfamiliar confident smirk rush to the surface. "Yeah." He responded, stomach fluttering in an entirely different way. "But if it's anything like the way you usually 'share', Kairi and I are gonna have to chase you around and fight to get anything."

The sheer shock of the words caused a moment of slack-jawed silence--right before Sora delighted in the laughter that roared through him so naturally. "Hey! Them's fightin' words!"

Good. Good. It felt good, right? That was what the warmth spreading through him was... it'd been a while. That time on the beach after Xemnas... it felt like a million lifetimes ago. "What are you gonna do about it?"

Sora immediately put on a "serious" face. "I think I'll have to challenge you to some button mashing video game insanity. At Kairi's house!"

That idea rattled an unexpected chuckle from Riku. "Oh she'll love that."

"She doesn't have a choice!" the younger boy cried out joyfully. "Last one there has to... has to wake her up! Ha!" And with that, he turned and tore off across the sand.

Riku shook his head, wondering just what the hell had happened... and how Sora was always able to bring about the impossible. He gave a lingering glance back to the sea... then followed.