'Never more alone, never to forget you; not when my life was changed forever the first time I met you. You're all I know and though I've lost you you're someone I can't let go of.' – Ever More Without You, The Woman in White.
The ship shuddered as another gravitational eddy from the black hole ran across their bow but it was barely enough to make the teacup dance on its saucer let alone do any damage to a ship the size of Voyager. Chakotay didn't even look up from the PADD he was studying as the wave passed by, barely noticing them after five days in orbit around the anomaly. The had been bashed from stem to stern by the gravitational pull of the collapsed star for three days after they arrived at the co-ordinates the Doctor had given them before they faced the Borg, Voyager holding together but only barely. When the final day of waiting had past, Chakotay had ordered their retreat but only as far back as was safe for Voyager to hold orbit and maintain scanning of the area in the event of the TARDIS reappearing.
He knew the crew were growing restless, repairs nearly complete and fuel and food sources reaching a point that would usually have them beginning scans for an M class planet but Chakotay still could not give the order to head onwards, holding out hope as best he could that he would hear the ancient engines of the TARDIS and that it would not just carry the Doctor back to them. He set the PADD down on the desk before him, once more wondering how alien the room looked from the position he sat in behind the desk. He had spent more hours in the Captain's Ready Room than he would care to count but he had very rarely sat in Kathryn's chair behind the desk, the only occasions being when he would tease her about wanting to take her position before mimicking her as she sat laughing at him in the view port.
He smiled at the old memory before his face fell once more; realising that he had got his playful wish and regretting the day he had ever uttered it. He called for the computer to raise the room temperature, certain Kathryn had never kept it as cold as it felt to him but he rationalised that the two of them were in it more often than not and that meant twice the body heat as opposed to one of them alone. He knew the chill he felt had nothing to do with atmospherics, no matter how he tried to rationalise it, the cold in his bones down to fatigue, worry and heartbreak. He got to his feet, pacing across the room and up the steps to the raised platform to the view port.
He bent to run a finger over the elegant coffee pot that still sat on the low table, one of Kathryn's many treasured positions that littered the room. It looked as lost as the rest of the relics, missing the warming bitter coffee it was filled with daily even on the days when the Captain was meant to be off and therefore absent from her office. Chakotay managed a weak laugh at the thought, there had never been such a thing as a day off to Kathryn Janeway but then her job and her position had been her life's blood and she wouldn't have been half of the woman he had been privileged to know without it. He sat down on the couch that surrounded the window and stared out, recalling vista after vista he had witnessed while talking over the future of the ship. They had looked upon so many places they could have called home but Voyager had always called them back, promising that one day they would see the Alpha quadrant again.
His thoughts had begun to turn maudlin as he recalled those who would never see that sight again, Kathryn he was almost sure of amongst that number, when the chime to the door sounded loudly through the silence.
"Come," he said, hoping that it would be news but resigned that it was another report or request he would need to deal with as he balanced his old duties with those that had been thrust upon him.
The door opened and he looked down on instinct as he saw no one in the doorway, smiling at the tin dog that wheeled in with his basket carrying PADDs on his back.
"B'Elanna got you being her delivery boy again K-9?" he said leaving the view port to join his smallest but one crewmember on the lower level.
"I offered Master," said the little dog with a wag of his tale, "I had to come to see you on an errand and I told Lieutenant Torres I would take the reports with me."
Chakotay smiled as he sat in his old customary chair and bent to retrieve the PADDs from the basket on K-9's back, "Let's see what you've got for me then," he said, "And what errand are you running to me?"
"One from the Doctor sir," said K-9 as Chakotay flicked through the PADDs.
"I was only in sick bay an hour ago and I've not heard anything about a medical emergency," said Chakotay, tossing Neelix's latest request to find a planet bearing leola root onto the desk in disgust, "What did the doc send you to me for?"
"I was not sent by Voyager's EMH Master," said K-9, "My message is from the Doctor."
The PADDs clattered to the floor as Chakotay looked up in alarm at the small dog before he fell to his knees before him, clutching the slim tin body as he peered into the red panel that served as the dog's eyes, "The Doctor? Have you spoken to him?" he said frantically, "Where is he? Is Kathryn with him? Why haven't they come to us?"
"I have not been in recent c…c…communication with the Doctor, Master," said K-9 trundling back slightly from the man before him, "The Doctor programmed me to bring you a message if he or Mistress Janeway had not returned to Voyager on this day."
Chakotay sat back on his heels as a small panel on K-9's control board slid aside and a small chip appeared. He reached forward and plucked it from the dog's back, looking at the alien design but realising that it had been redesigned to fit with Federation technology.
"Thank you K-9," he said quietly as he got to his feet and returned to Kathryn's chair behind her desk.
With shaking hands he slid the chip into the console on the desk and sat back as the familiar circular writing he had seen on the TARDIS went to work before an image of the Doctor's library came into view, the chair soon being occupied by the Doctor himself. His face looked sad, a world away from the usual manic humour that accompanied him and Chakotay knew the content of what he would hear before it was uttered.
"To start Chakotay, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," said the Doctor, "I know if you're listening to this then neither Kathryn or myself returned to the ship after our battle with the Borg. She and you have just left me for the mess hall, or so I'm assuming as that's where Kathryn said you'd both head when she woke you. I've asked K-9 to deliver this to you after eight days as, with taking most calculations into consideration, that's the maximum amount of time I would be delayed even if I had to make repairs. I guess we just weren't quick enough but I hope that Voyager and the rest of the crew are safe. I hope that Donna is safe with you too."
Chakotay saw the sadness in the Doctor's eyes as he mentioned his friend, knowing the woman had been growing more and more subdued as she realised the reality of their situation and that the message would only confirm to her what she had been fearing.
"I've recorded a message for her as well, I would imagine K-9 has passed it on to her by now. I knew she wouldn't let me say goodbye before the battle so this was the only way I could afterwards," continued the Doctor, "Look after her for me. She'll be lost and she'll be frightened even though she'll put on an act and pretend she isn't. She's a long way from home, further even than all of you and she'll need a friend to guide her. Without breaking too many laws, and in the hope that the timeline has reset as it should, you will encounter a friendly time ship within the next two years I hope and they'll hopefully offer to take her home to her own time. Take care of her until then, she wasn't to blame for this but I was. I'm sorry for you loss, that I took her from you, I know the pain you're feeling now must be so hard to bear. I hope you find your way home. Goodbye Commander."
The message blanked out on the screen but Chakotay remained staring at it all the same, feeling the anger rising in him as he realised the Doctor's accurate presumption of their fate, knowing the Time Lord would only have made such a recording if he had been sure of the potential outcome. Without another thought he seized the console and launched it at the nearest bulkhead with a pained cry, the sound of it shattering doing nothing to ease the pain he felt. K-9 swiftly rolled beneath the nearest chair, clearly fearing that his master would look for more small metal things to throw around the room.
Chakotay fell back into the chair, once more biting back the threat of tears as the chime to the ready room rang.
"Go away," he said, company and reports the last things he wanted, "Computer engage privacy locks."
His visitor seemed intent to be seen however as his comm.-badge chirruped.
"Tuvok to the Commander. Are you unwell sir?"
Chakotay bit back a growl, "No Lieutenant I'm fine," he said, "There's no need to fuss."
"I was not fussing Commander. I heard your shout and the sound of something breaking and it is my job as security officer to ascertain if any member of the crew is in distress."
"Our Captain is missing, presumed dead, of course I'm distressed," said Chakotay before he caught himself, "I'm fine. Update me if there are any changes in the gravitational eddies of that black hole. Chakotay out."
He silenced the link, dropping his face into his hands, wanting nothing more than to open his eyes and find himself in his own office across the Bridge, waiting for Kathryn to summon him for their traditional afternoon coffee where they could better review the ships systems. He heard the whirr of K-9's wheels on the carpeted floor and looked up, managing a weak smile as the dog all but crept out of his hiding place.
"Don't worry boy, I'm done with throwing things," he said, "Guess you're a little stranded too and I'm hardly much of a replacement for your mistress am I?"
"Commander Chakotay will be a good master," said K-9 trundling around to his side of the desk, "And I will help him on the ship as I helped Mistress Janeway. I miss her."
"Me too," said Chakotay, "This place won't be the same without her. Its just hard to accept that she's…"
"The crew are all unhappy that Mistress Janeway has expired," said K-9.
"I don't want to believe she's dead."
"The Doctor would not have left that message if he believed they would return," said K-9 sadly, "And I would know if he was alive."
Chakotay got to his feet, "I'd know if Kathryn was too," he said bending down to pat the dog, "The shift's nearly over and I need to head down to engineering, let's see if we can get you plugged in for the night."
"Affirmative," said K-9, with a wag of his tale as he followed Chakotay to the door.
The ship was far too quiet, where once he would have passed through the corridors and heard the chatter of off duty crewmembers or those moving between the departments Chakotay now found only quiet, the forlorn looks sent his way cutting him to the quick as he was at a loss to help them. Kathryn's crew were grieving for her but they were forced to do so privately until he gave the order to make her death official. He wanted to ease their pain but he feared that action would only increase his own, recording her death and assuming her position still too much for him to bear.
The trip to engineering seemed to take far too long and Chakotay felt the weariness of the passed eight days catching up on him as he finally reached the door and stepped inside. He looked up at the swirling depths of the warp core, looking none the worse for the dampening field that had crippled it in the battle. Eight days in orbit and a grief stricken B'Elanna had clearly filled the engineering team with a new sense of purpose, every surface immaculate and every system at optimum efficiency as they idled in space. Chakotay made his way towards the central hub, stopping only when he reached the power conduit B'Elanna had rigged for K-9 and plugging the little dog in for the night. He patted the metallic head, smiling at the tinny voice that bid him goodnight with all the affection of any mutt for his master.
He got back to his feet and turned to see B'Elanna waiting for his attention, a small, sad smile on her face.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Hi B'Elanna, I thought I'd come and see how things were going," said Chakotay, crossing to her side.
"The same as it was when you came down ninety minutes ago," she said, "The engines are at maximum efficiency, warp drive is online and fully operational and the gravitational eddies from the black hole are bouncing off our shields without a worry. Now the important question, when did you last eat?"
Chakotay frowned, "What?"
"Eat," said B'Elanna, "Food. Its what humans do when they want to stay alive and what I spend half my time fixing replicators for."
"I'll grab something later," said Chakotay, feigning interest in the nearest console.
"Chakotay, you need to take care of yourself," said B'Elanna, her small hand resting on his shoulder, "I've not seen you in the mess hall since the morning before the battle, you've lost weight, you look as though you've not slept for a month and its breaking my heart. It would break the Captain's too if she could see you this way."
"Well she can't can she!" said Chakotay bitterly, before he hung his head, "I'm sorry B'Elanna, I'm snapping at everyone today."
B'Elanna rubbed his back in slow circles, feeling the tension that lingered in every muscle, "You need to let yourself grieve for her Chakotay. This won't begin to heal until you do," she said, "We've all spent eight days wishing that someone would hail the ship and we'd hear her voice when we answered it but we all know that's not going to happen."
Chakotay tipped his head back to better tame the tears that welled in his eyes, "I will not do this in here," he said to himself though he knew B'Elanna would hear him.
Her grip on his shoulder tightened as she leant into his side, "Come on," she said, softly though there was an undertone to her voice that brokered no argument, "Let's go somewhere quiet and we can talk. I'm not leaving you until I've seen you eat something either."
"I have things that need doing B'Elanna."
"And an entire crew to do them for you," said the Klingon, "Even the Captain knew when the Alpha shift ended. Its either me or I'll have the Doc label you unfit for duty."
Chakotay relented and followed her to the door, knowing fighting with her would get him nowhere even if he had the strength left in him to stand up to her. They had soon travelled to the corridor that held his quarters but he held her back as she headed to his door.
"I'm not sleeping in there right now," he said before he went to Kathryn's door and tapped in the new security codes, noticing B'Elanna's quizzical frown, "I feel closer to her in here."
B'Elanna followed him over the threshold, seeing several of his possessions set to one side of the Captain's desk while the rest of the space looked the same way it had been the last time she had been called to fix the replicator. She quickly took hold of his arm to cease his pacing and led him to the view port and sitting him down, his large hands dwarfing hers but she held them all the same.
"Talk to me," she said softly.
Chakotay kept his gaze on their entwined hands, wondering when the temperamental young woman before him had become like a younger sister to him, "What's there to say B'Elanna?" he said, "There's only one thing left for me to say about Kathryn and I don't know if I have the strength to. I just don't want to accept it."
"And that's why it hurts all the more," said B'Elanna, "When we were by the black hole, waiting for her and the Doctor, I kept hoping but as soon as we moved away I knew that she'd gone. I went to bed that night and I cried so hard, I threw things about and I blamed everyone I could think of and it hurt like hell but in the morning and everyday since, its felt a little easier. I miss her and I know this pain won't go away for a long time but she wouldn't want us to spend the rest of our lives mourning her."
"I don't know how to mourn her," said Chakotay, "I've lost so many people, this should be as common to me as breathing but how do I mourn her?"
B'Elanna freed one of her hands from his grip, reaching up to stroke his short black hair, "With your friends at your side," she said, "Hey, just think what Janeway would say if she was here. She'd tell you to pull yourself up and start acting like a Starfleet officer while trying to make you believe that coffee is the bane of all evils. She'd say, Commander if I see you moping around on the Bridge any longer I'll bust you down to crewman and have you scrape the plasma manifolds for a week."
Chakotay laughed weakly at B'Elanna's appalling impersonation, "You know Hickman can carry her off better than you can," he said.
B'Elanna cocked an eyebrow, "Should I get him up here to give you a telling off instead then?" she said before she patted his hand, "You need to find a way to grieve for her Chakotay because however harsh it sounds, she's dead, she's not coming back to us."
Chakotay looked back down at their hands, seeing the splash of a tear fall onto the back of B'Elanna's hand and realising it was his own, "I know," he said, "I think I knew the moment we saw the shuttle hit the Borg cube but last night confirmed it for me."
"Last night?" said B'Elanna.
"Every night my spirit guide has carried another creature to me, and I've taken the small thing in my hands and each night it's been weaker and weaker. Last night when she came to me it died in my hands and I knew then…" he said trailing off, "It had the bluest eyes, just like Kathryn's. I think it was her guide."
B'Elanna's eyes widened in surprise, "But you always said to see another person's spirit guide was impossible, that they were unique," she said, "How do you know it was her guide at all?"
"Because the creature that represented her was so true of her personality, quick, resourceful, adaptable and able to survive on her own, that was Kathryn," said Chakotay, "And I could see her guide because we were more to each other than simply colleagues B'Elanna, especially in the last few days before the battle."
"You mean you and Janeway…?"
"Kathryn and I were in love," said Chakotay, "I'm still in love. Getting her to admit it was like persuading a Cardassian that it was a good idea to free Bajor but in those few days before the battle, behind closed doors at least, we've been closer than ever before."
"Kahless, Chakotay I'm so sorry," said B'Elanna, "I thought you said there was no chance of anything happening between you."
"I guess I was wrong," he said before he met her gaze, "How am I meant to let that go B'Elanna? I loved her so much but I hate her for what she did, throwing her life away like that. I just want her back."
B'Elanna sat up, pulling him into her arms feeling her own tears break loose as she felt the evidence of his through the material of her uniform, "She did it so we could get free, she was always going to give her life for this ship Chakotay, we all knew that," she said, "She'd already decided that the moment the Doctor came up with his plan."
At the mention of the Time Lord's name Chakotay pushed back from her and got to his feet, anger swiftly replacing grief, "Well he should have stopped her taking that shuttle. All he went on about was how it was Voyager that had to get back, he filled her head with that and she wasn't thinking straight," he said, "I knew he'd be trouble the moment he stepped onto the ship but he dazzled her, made her believe those damn stories of his where he was the hero because he risked his life for the people he was helping. He should have stopped her; he knew what losing her would do to this crew. I'm only glad he's dead too because if he was alive right now and dared turn up on this ship I'd soon find out how those regenerations of his worked."
B'Elanna got to her feet, quickly stilling his pacing and taking her face in his hands, "Don't think about him," she said, "He's dead, he doesn't matter. What matters is that we honour the Captain and let this crew mourn her. You need to lead this Chakotay, they're all looking to you now that she's gone, she'd want you to help them."
Chakotay shook his head, "I can't be half the captain she was," he said, "She was this ship."
B'Elanna smiled, "She always will be," she said, "No one will ever forget her, I know there won't be a day when I won't think of her but she would want us to move on. Set a course for the Alpha quadrant and get this ship home. If you want to honour her memory and your love for her that's what you have to do Chakotay. Get her crew home."
Mournful brown eyes met hers, a pain deeper than she had ever seen radiating from them.
"She's really gone isn't she?" he said as B'Elanna's thumb gently wiped away a stray tear from his cheek, "Kathryn's dead."
B'Elanna nodded, "I'm sorry Chakotay," she said sinking to her knees with him as grief finally broke him, holding him tightly, "It's alright, it'll be alright."
"We don't even have her body," he said, brokenly, "And her memorial, I don't know the protocols for a captain's funeral. She'll want it done properly. She'd have wanted to be in her dress uniform. A proper Starfleet funeral."
"Chakotay," said B'Elanna sharply, hoping to keep his full attention, "We can make all the arrangements we need to in the morning and I'll help you. All you need to do tonight is open yourself up to grief and mourn the woman you love, not the captain of this ship. Mourn Kathryn tonight."
Chakotay let out a shuddering sigh and sat back from her, "Spirits B'Elanna how do I get through this?" he said, "I haven't got a clue where to start."
B'Elanna released him before getting to her feet, "First you're going to eat something because I'm damned if I'm having her decide to haunt me because I let you waste away to nothing," she said, "And then I'm going to sit with you and talk to you until you either fall asleep or tell me to get lost? Sound like a plan?"
"Sounds like a plan," said Chakotay leaving the floor and moving to the view port, his hand absently stroking one of the blankets Kathryn often settled under when they had been talking over ship's business until late in the night.
B'Elanna soon returned from the replicator with bowls of soup from the both and she acted every inch the matron as she made sure he ate, Chakotay soon realising that refusing her would result in her doting giving way to her fiery Klingon temper. They talked of the ship, its running neutral territory against the minefield of the recent days they had gone through but beneath talk of warp coils and misaligned injectors Kathryn's ghost seemed to linger around them, Chakotay often growing distant and distracted before B'Elanna pulled him back to the conversation. Finally, with dinner over and the conversation run dry, B'Elanna broached the subject they had been so studiously avoided.
"You should pick some of her favourite music," she said gently, "You could play it before the ceremony and afterwards."
"She gave me access to some of her personal files," said Chakotay, "There's some music on there that she liked, saying that though I guess I have access to everything now. She told me her command codes before she…left."
B'Elanna covered his hand with hers, "Chakotay, do you want me to arrange things for you? I don't know how well I'll do, the Captain and I weren't exactly close when it came to being off duty but if it makes things easier for you."
He shook his head, "I want to do it," he said, "Its just getting started. I know everyone has been thinking it for days but it will be hard telling the crew that we're recognising that she's dead."
"It will help them grieve," said B'Elanna, "We should move on from the black hole too, start heading towards the Alpha quadrant again."
Chakotay nodded and got to his feet, picking up a photo from Kathryn's desk, the smiling faces of her mother and sister looking back at him, "If we get back I've got to find a way to tell the people who loved her," he said, "I guess announcing her memorial will be somewhat easier."
"The people on this ship loved her too Chakotay," she said before she followed him to standing, "There's one more thing we need to discuss, you need to tell the crew when you expect to be referred to by your new title, people are getting confused. You need to let them know when it will be ok for them to call you Captain."
Chakotay set the picture back on the dresser, "I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that," he said, "It would be like taking any other part of her name. It doesn't feel right."
"Voyager needs a Captain," said B'Elanna touching his arm, "She'd be saying that to you if she could. You know she'll be relying on you to finish what she started, you know the Marquis will be behind you and so will the Starfleet crew, they saw her faith in you."
"Let me think about it," said Chakotay, "I wouldn't want to even consider it until after her memorial anyway. I'll speak to the senior staff about the service in the morning briefing. Any ideas would be welcome as to what people want said, I won't know where to begin."
B'Elanna smiled, "You'd be hard pressed to stop the crew speaking once they get going," she said before she raised herself up on her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek, "Why don't you get some sleep? The crew will cope until morning. Will you be alright?"
Chakotay nodded as he followed her to the door, "I'll be fine," he said, "Thank you though, I didn't realise how much I needed to talk to someone about all this."
"Anytime," said B'Elanna softly, as she opened the door, "Give the Captain my love won't you."
Chakotay smiled as he realised just how well the young woman before him knew him, "I will," he said, "I'm sure she'll be glad of it. Goodnight B'Elanna."
B'Elanna reached up and hugged him tightly before she headed out of the room, "Goodnight," she said as the door slid shut.
Chakotay lingered a moment at the door, the familiar sound of the engines the only noise in the dimly lit room. He contemplated returning to the Bridge, there was plenty he could do with the gamma shift but he knew he was only making work for himself in the hope of driving Kathryn from his mind. He frowned at the thought that not even one of Tuvok's mind melds would be able to erase her and he knew, despite the pain, he didn't want to. He looked over to where his medicine bundle lay wrapped on one of the view port chairs but for once he feared the images the visions would bring him that night, the thought of Kathryn's guide lying dead in his hands all too real now he had admitted it to B'Elanna.
"Computer, lights to night levels," he said leaving the living area and heading into the bedroom.
Kathryn's things sat undisturbed on the dresser bottles and boxes that had the spark of humour that remained in him wondering at why even a woman as practical as her needed so many pickles and paints to get through the day. He retrieved his nightclothes from the back of the chair, the upholstery still carrying the heady scent of her perfume despite it being days since she last sat on it. He got ready for bed swiftly in the bathroom; avoiding sight of his own reflection for fear of realising just how unwell he looked despite B'Elanna's care.
He headed back into the bedroom, discarding his clothes without a thought as he extinguished the lights and climbed into the bed, Kathryn's scent immediately surrounding him as he did so. Where on previous nights it had brought him comfort it now felt like shards of ice in his heart to be surrounded by her and get have such a distance between them. The reality of her death finally hit him full force and he broke, pulling the covers up over his head as he finally gave into his grief and wept for the woman he had lost.
xxxx
Chakotay stirred, pressing his face closer into the pillow as he groaned in protestation at being woken, the only comfort being the familiar warm scent of perfume that filled his senses. The insistent noise however refused to cease and he reached up to silence his own comm.-badge only to find it missing from his chest.
"Kathryn…your badge," he said groggily before reality flew at him from all directions of the dark bedroom and he sat up to find himself alone with the smell of her as a reminder that she had ever been on the ship.
"Security to Commander Chakotay , do you read me sir?"
He rolled out of the bed and stumbled sleepily to where he had tossed his uniform, tugging his badge from his jacket and opening the channel.
"Go ahead," he said, his voice still rough from sleep.
"My apologies if I woke you Commander," said Tuvok, "But your presence is required in the Brig."
"The Brig?" said Chakotay, tossing off the remnants of sleep at the word, "What's happened?"
"An altercation sir," said Tuvok, "One that I believe would benefit from your intervention as it involves our remaining guest."
"Donna?"
"Yes sir," said Tuvok.
"I'll be right there, Chakotay out," he said severing the link before he ran his hands over his eyes, his mind already turning over the possibilities of why Tuvok would send for him, the Vulcan more than capable of handling issues of ship security.
He dressed quickly, his mind cruelly throwing up a thought of him and Kathryn spending a morning crashing into each other when they had woken late for duty, jackets, boots and badges getting mixed up in the fray. Any other time the thought would have amused him but as he stepped out into the brightly lit corridor he was reminded all too poignantly that he would only ever be alone in her quarters. He forced back his melancholy as he headed to the turbo-lift, not wanting any of the gamma shift to see his grief.
The journey was brief and he was glad of it, not wishing to dwell on the memories of the battle that played on a loop in his mind whenever he could not find any other occupation. He could almost understand Kathryn's character all the better for it, realising her need to forever throw herself headfirst into her job to avoid the memories of the decisions that had brought Voyager to the Delta quadrant. He drew on his own professional persona as he stepped into the Brig, seeing Tuvok and two of his security team awaiting him. He looked over to the cells, Donna in one and, to his surprise, B'Elanna pacing the other, her expression darker than he had seen it in a long time.
"Report Lieutenant," he said.
"She started it Chakotay," said B'Elanna, before Tuvok could speak.
"I'll come to you B'Elanna," said Chakotay a single look enough to quiet her and he turned back to Tuvok as she stepped back from the force field that surrounded the cell, "Go on Lieutenant."
"Security were summoned to the holo-deck at two hundred hours to deal with an altercation between members of the crew," said Tuvok, his words identical to what would appear in his official report, "Lieutenant Torres and Miss Noble were involved in what can only be described as a brawl, despite both Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim attempting to separate them. After intervention by three members of security personnel Lieutenant Torres and Miss Noble proceeded to be resistant to questioning and so were escorted to the brig. I was contacted after they continued to be uncooperative with security personnel."
Chakotay sighed in exasperation, "And I gather as you've sent for me they've been as cooperative with you."
"You are correct, Commander," said Tuvok, "Lieutenant Torres I am willing to handle under standard Starfleet protocols for her insubordination but…"
"Insubordination!" cried B'Elanna, "Chakotay she was going around the resort telling everyone who would listen how she blamed the Captain for everything that happened. She said she hoped the Captain was dead."
"I did not!" said Donna, having to stagger back as she came into contact with the cell's force field, "It was you lot who were blaming the Doctor. I only said it was her own stupid fault for flying at that cube thing, he didn't make her do it…"
"It was his plan that had her out there in the first place you ignorant little…"
"That's enough the pair of you," said Chakotay, his tone having even B'Elanna shrinking back from him, "Squabbling like children. Torres you're a Starfleet officer and you're hardly doing the Captain's memory any justice behaving in a way you know she would find abhorrent and you Miss Noble might not be a member of this crew but I would hope you know how to behave like a lady."
"Chakotay the things she was saying about the Captain…" said B'Elanna, fury stilling her words, "I was defending her honour, the honour of my Captain and of my friend. Just the way Janeway would have done for any of us."
"Tell me the last time you saw the Captain brawling on the holodeck?" said Chakotay, "I don't care which one of you started this because I expected better of the both of you. Torres you're on report and you're lucky I'm not finding you a duty shift in the exhaust ports."
"But that's not…"
"B'Elanna, don't push me, not tonight," he said, "You're on report Lieutenant and confined to quarters until your duty shift starts tomorrow. You'll report to the Bridge as soon as the alpha shift starts because I'm far from done with you. Lieutenant Tuvok, kindly escort Lieutenant Torres to her quarters. The rest of you are dismissed, I want to talk to Miss Noble alone."
"As you wish Commander," said Tuvok, releasing the force field on B'Elanna's cell, "Lieutenant Torres, I trust you will do as ordered."
B'Elanna squared her shoulders as she scowled across at Chakotay, "I'll behave like an officer," she said darkly as Tuvok led her passed him, "Just remember that there are more people on this ship grieving for Kathryn Janeway than for anyone else."
Chakotay said nothing as Tuvok led her and the security team from the room, waiting until the door had slid shut behind them before he turned back to Donna's cell.
"She started it you know," said Donna, "It wasn't the Doctor's fault. Kathryn decided to fly into that cube…
Chakotay held up a hand to quiet her, "Donna I'm on a short fuse right now so let me say what I've got to say and let's leave it at that tonight, do you understand?" he said.
Donna nodded solemnly as he dropped the force field and she stepped out into the main part of the brig, "You sound like her," she said quietly, her eyes cast to the floor.
"Who?" said Chakotay leaning back against the command console.
"Kathryn," said Donna, "You sound like her sometimes, I've noticed it from time to time since I got here. Saying that I reckon I sound like the Doctor sometimes too…I sounded like the Doctor sometimes."
"I receive a pre-recorded message from him today," said Chakotay, seeing Donna's eyes brighten but he waved her down, "He recorded it before the battle Donna. He left it with K-9, knowing that by the time it was delivered there was no way he'd be coming back to us. He knew Kathryn would be dead too."
Donna sniffed quietly, "He left me something too," she said, "He said you'd get me home. I was hoping that yours was more positive but I guess he said the same to you. Can you get me home?"
"I'm not sure how he expects us to," he said, "But there is a place for you on this ship Donna for as long as you need it, though I think we need to establish a few ground rules."
Donna frowned, "Ground rules?"
"When the Marquis came aboard this ship we all promised to adhere to the protocols and principles of Starfleet, even those who had never been to the Academy," said Chakotay, "It was something Kathryn valued above anything else and something I intend to honour in memory of her. If you want to stay with us then you would be expected to become part of the crew and keep to those protocols."
Donna shrugged, "I don't know much about spaceships but I'll try," she said, "Do I have to wear a uniform?"
"The choice there is yours, we don't ask Kes or Neelix to," said Chakotay, "But the protocols and command structure of this ship apply to them as much as they will to you and they respect them. I need your word that you'll do the same and one of those protocols would involve you resisting any urge to scrap with one of your commanding officers on the holo-deck. You weren't a member of this crew tonight so there's little I can do in punishment but should an incident like tonight happen again the treatment B'Elanna received will be the same for you."
Donna's expression darkened, "Is that a threat?"
"A warning," said Chakotay, "I can appreciate your grief but you will find little sympathy from me or the rest of this crew if you try to blame Kathryn for the lives lost in the battle. The loss of the Doctor, however painful for you, won't be felt by Voyager's crew as much as Kathryn's will."
Donna bristled, "Because she was so much more important than the Doctor!" she said, "Do you even know what him dying means? Kathryn was just another human, the Doctor was…"
"Kathryn Janeway was not just another human," said Chakotay, "Even the Doctor knew that, the same way he knew that his plan was going to kill her. I don't know what he said in his message to you Donna but in mine it was quite clear that he knew that he was taking our Captain out there with him to die."
"He didn't make her fly into that cube," said Donna, "She was stupid enough to do that herself and he begged her to stop. He only flew after her to save her. She killed the Doctor."
"You'll be hard pressed to find anyone on this ship who agrees with that," said Chakotay, "And if you want to enjoy the rest of your journey with us I suggest you keep that thought to yourself from now on."
"Oh I get it, the Doctor's dead so I'm the one to blame!" said Donna stepping up until she was toe to toe with him, "Well I'm not going to take it, believe me. She flew into that cube Chakotay because she had to be the bloody hero and do you know what, I'm glad she's dead. I'm glad your precious Captain is dead because it was her stupidity that killed the Doctor."
"Well if you think that then maybe her ship isn't the place for you," said Chakotay his voice dangerously low, "And I would be quite happy to let you leave us on the next hospitable planet we come across. I will ask the crew, those who are willing, to provide you with the training you will need and I will inform the senior staff in the morning. Until then I would ask you to return to your quarters and remain there until morning briefing unless you would prefer the brig for the rest of the night."
"Fine," said Donna proudly though tears threatened behind her words, "I wouldn't stay with you or on this damned ship even if you begged me, especially when you want to make it her tomb."
"What I do with my ship is my business Miss Noble," said Chakotay, "Now I suggest you return to your quarters before I summon security to escort you there."
"Don't worry, I'm going," she said, "I might be from a time before all this technology was dreamt of but I know when I'm not welcome."
Chakotay didn't stop her as she turned and headed from the brig, her absence soon deflating his anger and making him realise just how fruitless fighting between themselves was. He knew he was unfair to blame her for the Doctor's part in Kathryn's death but his compassion was still too far stretched to forgive the man himself despite Kathryn's autonomy in her actions.
Knowing that sleep would avail him for the rest of the night he considered touring the departments once more but knew that he would only make his already on edge crew even more nervous. He reached up and tapped his comm.-badge, the request he was making feeling too alien but he knew it was a necessity.
"Chakotay to Tuvok."
"Go ahead Commander."
"Have you retired for the night yet?"
"Negative sir, I thought it prudent to remain on duty until I was certain that the situation between Lieutenant Torres and Miss Noble was resolved," said the Vulcan, "Do you require any further assistance?"
"Not with regards to B'Elanna and Donna but I was hoping you could advise me on another matter," said Chakotay, "My knowledge of some Starfleet protocols are still a little rusty and I was hoping you could assist me in arranging a captain's memorial service."
The line was silent for a moment and Chakotay was about to check it was still active when Tuvok spoke once more.
"Aye sir," he said, in his familiar measured tones, "I am well versed in the necessary protocols, should I meet you in your office."
"Please," said Chakotay, "I'll be there shortly. Chakotay out."
He silenced the line and looked around the empty brig, the silence of the comm.-line as he had spoken to Tuvok reminding him that he was not alone in his mourning, however the Vulcan failed to demonstrate it. He turned to leave the brig, knowing his grief was a long way from leaving him but knowing he was taking a step that would help his friends and his crew begin to heal.
xxxx
Chakotay looked out over the briefing room, the view producing another alien feeling to him despite the number of times he had led meetings sat in the same chair but the thought of it being Kathryn's chair still riled at him, the same way he still commanded the ship from his own chair on the Bridge. He knew he didn't have long until the rest of the senior staff arrived and he had little doubt that most of them knew what would be on the agenda, the mood of the ship gravitating more towards grief than hope when he had given the command on the tail end of the gamma shift to move away from the black hole and continue on a course to the Alpha quadrant. He reached into his pocket, his hand closing around the four small pips he had found on Kathryn's dresser that morning, spares to the ones she had been wearing on the shuttle and now an amulet to him as he tried to draw strength from them.
Removing his hand he rubbed his weary eyes, sleep having proved elusive since he had been woken by Tuvok. He had stalked around the ship aimlessly when his discussions with the Vulcan had ended, keeping to the less populated areas for fear of worrying his already struggling crew. He had found himself in the shuttle bay and had spent several hours sat in the space the Sacajawea had once occupied, hoping against hope that the small shuttle would one day return.
He looked up as the door to the briefing room open, Tuvok as ever the most punctual of the crew as he took his customary seat. Chakotay smiled, knowing that it would be the last time they would take their established seats before the command structure of the ship altered officially.
"Good morning Lieutenant," he said.
"Good morning Commander," said Tuvok, "I trust everything is in order for this morning as you requested."
"I'm sure everything will be fine," said Chakotay, "I've yet to officially enter the details into the ship's logs but the announcements of the necessary promotions will completed this morning and formalised after the appropriate amount of time."
"I must say, despite my initial misgivings, I believe you have made considered and accurate choices," said the Vulcan, "Decisions I'm sure Captain Janeway would have approved of."
Chakotay smiled weakly, "I hope so Tuvok, I want this ship to run as well under my command as it did under hers."
"You intend to keep fully to Starfleet protocol in that case?"
Chakotay nodded, "As much as we ever have," he said, "I promised the Captain the day we began this journey that the Marquis would be part of a Starfleet crew and her absence won't have me break that promise."
The arrival of the rest of the senior staff ceased their conversation, Tom and Harry entering from the Bridge while B'Elanna and Neelix entered from the other door with Kes not far behind. They all took there seats, looking up in confusion as the door slid open once more to admit Mike Ayala, the man's bravado failing as he met their scrutiny but rising as Chakotay invited him to join the group. Silence reigned for a moment before Chakotay got to his feet, not wanting to fall behind time as he waited to see if his final invite was to go unheeded.
"I won't pretend that I expect you to be surprised with what I'm about to say to you," he said, "You're all aware that the time allotted for our rendezvous with the TARDIS has expired and that we're moving away from the black hole. I haven't wanted to make this announcement but not doing so is detrimental to the crew and despite what has happened we still have a long way to go. I have reviewed Starfleet protocols and, in the event of us being unable to medically verify the death of Captain Janeway, it is up to the senior members of staff to unanimously decide that she is irretrievable and announce her death. I have already spoken to the Doctor as he is unable to leave sickbay whilst Gerron is still under observation and he is willing to vote in the affirmative that Captain Janeway is deceased. I now need you all to answer the same question. If the decision is unanimous then I will formally record her death in the ship's logs. Lieutenant?"
Tuvok got to his feet as Chakotay returned to the head of the table, the Vulcan for once almost displaying his own struggle at relaying the words he had prepared for the moment.
"As chief tactical officer I have reviewed the final flight path of the Sacajawea and that of the TARDIS and I can only conclude that in all likelihood that both vessels were destroyed in the impact with the Borg Cube," he said, "It is my belief therefore that Captain Janeway was killed in the resulting explosion. Would all those in agreement please raise their hands now."
Chakotay watched as slowly all those gathered around the table reluctantly raised their hands, tears in their eyes as they acknowledged the shared belief that their captain had been lost in the battle. He bit back the rising emotions at the scene, knowing that the decision was unanimous and therefore official.
"I'll enter the Captain's death into the log as soon as the briefing is over," he said glad his voice didn't waver as he thought it would, "We will hold her memorial this afternoon at fourteen hundred hours. Although we may not have her body we will offer her every honour that protocol dictates and I will offer any member of the crew who wishes to speak about her the opportunity. The crew will be discouraged by the news but we need to prove a strong and united front to them and a full compliment of senior staff will see to that. From today, much is it will take me a long time to get used to the title, I will stand as Captain to this ship and Lieutenant Tuvok has agreed to act as my First Officer. Tuvok's position as chief of security and at the tactical station on the Bridge will be taken by Lieutenant Ayala. I will address all other personnel issues and promotions when the Captain's memorial is over, much as they are needed I don't think today should be cause for any sort of celebration other than that of Kathryn's life."
"Commander…Captain, if I may," said Neelix, stumbling over the title, "I have a list in the mess hall of some of Captain Janeway's favourite recipes, if you would like I could rustle a few of them up for after the service."
"That would be appreciated Neelix, thank you," said Chakotay, "I'd like you all to spread the word amongst the crew that anyone is entitled to get up and speak about their memories of the Captain and let your departments know that I expect all Starfleet and Marquis personnel to be in full dress uniform."
"Will everyone be there?" said B'Elanna, her eyes meeting his with a familiar determination.
"If we are in a safe part of space where we can come to a full stop then I am happy for all crew members to attend if they want to," said Chakotay, "Those whose beliefs do not accommodate memorials will not be forced to attend if they don't wish to."
"And what about Donna?" said the Klingon, bristling as she said the name, "After what she said last night…"
Chakotay raised a hand to silence her, "If Miss Noble wishes to attend than she may, she's already aware of the conduct I expect from her. She may elect not to however considering her decision last night," he said, "She has requested, despite the Doctor's wish that she remain onboard Voyager, to be put off the ship at the next hospitable planet and I've agreed to her request."
"What?" exclaimed Tom, "She's not exactly Miss Popularity right now but she'd never survive. She's from three centuries ago, she can't even pilot the simplest of shuttles."
"I'm quite aware of that Lieutenant but I'm not about to hold her captive onboard this ship when she has no wish to remain here," said Chakotay, "Until we find a suitable planet for her though she is under our care and therefore any crew members who wish to may offer her training in survival as you all learnt at the Academy. I have already provided her with holodeck simulations that will assist her. I appreciate that her opinions on the battle do not sit well with any of the crew but you are all Starfleet officers and a repeat of last night's fiasco will result in a fairly long sojourn in the brig, am I understood?"
All those gathered answered with a quiet affirmative except for B'Elanna who had turned her gaze to the tabletop. Chakotay knew he should call her on her attitude but his understanding of her feelings cooled any anger towards her insubordination and he continued without a reprimand.
"The next few months are going to be hard," he said, "Captain Janeway held this crew together through thick and thin and I know everyone will miss her in their own way. We have to rely on each other to get through this and support the crew as best we can. I may be assuming command but my door is open as it has always been and if anyone has anything that needs saying then they can bring it to me, however trivial. We will get this crew home, that's the greatest honour that we can offer the Captain. Unless anyone has anything else then I suggest you prepare yourselves for the ceremony."
Silence reigned in the room but Chakotay gave them all a chance to speak up, knowing there would be a reluctance in all of them but when no one stepped forward he continued.
"We'll meet in the mess hall at fourteen hundred," he said, "Dismissed."
They slowly filed out of the room, closer than usual and Chakotay couldn't miss the small comforting touches they offered each other as they realised the acknowledgement of the Captain's death. Only Tuvok remained behind when they had all left, silently getting to his feet and stepping to Chakotay's side.
"I have served under your command before sir," he said, "Despite my true purpose in the Marquis and your integrity and knowledge, however misplaced, proved successful until you encountered the Caretakers Array, as Voyager did. Captain Janeway could not have left her ship in more capable hands and it will be my honour to serve alongside you."
Chakotay got to his feet and shook the Vulcan's hand, "I'm glad you agreed to do so," he said, "We may not agree on all occasions in the future but I know Kathryn trusted your judgement and I will endeavour to do the same. We will get this crew home Tuvok, that's what her sacrifice was for."
"Then we shall endeavour to honour that sacrifice, Captain," said Tuvok, "If there is nothing else sir, I must speak with my former security team and Lieutenant Ayala."
Chakotay nodded, "Dismissed Lieutenant."
He watched Tuvok go, knowing that he would be an able First Officer but any friendship would be a long time coming between them. The silence of the room was almost palpable as he thought of what was going on beyond the doors, members of the crew learning that their former Captain was now being formally mourned by the entire ship. He knew only one task remained for him to complete but the thought of officially recording her death in the ship's log kept him in his seat, wanting to cling for a few more moments onto the hope that she could still be alive. He didn't look up as he heard the door open, assuming it would be one of the senior staff returning to speak to him and hoping they would have the common sense to leave him alone when they saw him but it was a now familiar London accent that cut through the quiet of the room.
"You've given up then?" said Donna folding her arms over her chest, "Tom told me about the memorial."
"Its time that we all tried to move on," said Chakotay, "I imagine Tom also told you that I have asked the senior staff to assist you in preparing to leave us."
Donna nodded, "He's offered to give me some piloting lessons on the holodeck and Neelix said he'd teach me some of his legendary survival skills."
Chakotay managed a weak smile, "I would suggest maybe speaking to Ayala or Tuvok with regards to help in that area," he said, "I'll help you where I can but I have to give the majority of my attention to the ship right now."
"I understand," said Donna, "Thank you for asking them to help me."
"As I said last night Miss Noble, the Doctor requested that we keep you in our care and I will until we find a suitable place for you to leave us," said Chakotay, "If you are still in need of training I will assign crew members to help you, all are well versed in Starfleet training and could pass the information on to you, you needn't rely on the senior staff."
"Thank you," said Donna, heading to the door, "I'll come back to you if I need any help. Commander?"
"Its Captain now Miss Noble," said Chakotay sadly, "Was there something else?"
"At Captain Janeway's memorial, well I was wondering if you planned to say a few words about the Doctor," said Donna, "If not I have a few things I'd like to…"
"The memorial service this afternoon is for Kathryn Janeway. The crew would not take kindly to me mentioning the man who led her to her death whilst they are mourning her. If you wish to hold a similar service for your friend then you may request the use of the mess hall and make your own arrangements, anyone who wishes to attend may do so."
Donna bit back a sob, "Please Chakotay, I only want to say a few words," she said, "He was a much a part of saving this ship as Captain Janeway was."
"I'm sorry Donna but the crew would object," he said, "You already know their feelings on the issue. I know you're hurting but I have to put this crew first."
Donna nodded sadly, "I understand," she said, "He never meant for her to get hurt you know, she was his hero and I've not met many people he's been so fond of. Even if you can't say anything today I just want you to know that he never meant for her to get hurt."
Chakotay was silent for a moment but spoke as he heard her turn to the door, "I'm sorry you lost your friend Donna."
"I'm sorry you lost Kathryn," she said, "If it's alright I'd like to be there at the service this afternoon."
"All personnel aboard the ship are welcome," he said, "And I think Kathryn would have liked you to be there."
"Then I'll be there," said Donna, "See you later."
Chakotay watched her go, the slump of her shoulders paining him as he recalled the vibrant woman they had first welcomed aboard the ship. He wanted to call out to her and ask her to stay but he knew there was little left to be said between them and the prospect of a fight still loomed as her loyalty remained staunchly to the Doctor whilst his lay with Kathryn's memory. When the door finally closed he got to his feet, heading to the opposite door and out onto the Bridge. He saw Tom turn from the helm, clearly expecting a reprimand for having contacted Donna but Chakotay knew the younger man was struggling between his ship and his friend and offered him a familiar nod of acknowledgement, seeing him relax as he did so.
"Report," he said, almost taking his customary chair before he settled in the Captain's chair.
"We're currently at warp five Captain with a clear run ahead," said Tom, "All engines are functioning at maximum efficiency."
"Acknowledged, maintain current speed until we find a suitable place in space to halt the ship before fourteen hundred hours," said Chakotay, feeling more than a little out of place with his new title, "Ensign Kim, I want to keep all short range and long range scanners on the look out for anything remotely Borg in nature. We also need to find a warp capable M Class planet where Miss Noble can disembark and a place to trade wouldn't go amiss, the battle ate up quite a few of our supplies."
"Aye sir," said Harry, the boy's voice holding none of its usual enthusiasm for his job.
Chakotay looked up as he heard the turbo lift door open, Tuvok and Ayala both returning to the Bridge, the Vulcan directing the former Marquis to the tactical station before descending to the lower level. Chakotay waved him into the chair beside him, realising that he would soon grow used to a Vulcan profile to his left as they continued their journey.
"Lieutenant Ayala welcome to your first day at tactical," he said, "I want a full check on the weapons array and on our defences, we may have got passed the Borg but that does not mean that they won't choose to pursue us. Have a report on my desk by the end of the shift."
"Aye Captain."
Chakotay looked out over the Bridge, everything running as smoothly as it should and realising he had no reason to remain when he had duties to attend to elsewhere.
"Commander Tuvok, you have the Bridge," he said, getting to his feet, "I'll be in the…my ready room."
"Aye sir," said the Vulcan, his face not showing any sign of having noticed the slip in his words.
Chakotay left the Bridge and headed to the ready room, the scent of Kathryn's perfume and the sight of her things paining him once more as he headed to her desk and sat behind it. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the stone she had given him as she headed into battle, setting it on the desk in front of him and knowing it would be the first of many talismans to her memory that he would gather there.
He tapped on the console before him, swiftly overriding Kathryn's former controls and altering them to his own as the Captaincy of the vessel passed to him. With a final breath to control his raging emotions he opened his first log entry as captain, the star date he gave feeling a world away from the last he had entered in his personal logs the night before the battle. The entry then had been full of hope for what lay ahead of them, Kathryn's willingness to pursue a relationship despite there positions leaving him in little doubt that their journey home was not to be as lonely as the first two and a half years had been.
He paused a moment, pushing away the lingering memory of old hopes before he began to speak again.
"It is with regret that my first entry as Captain of the ship should be to report and formalise the death of Captain Kathryn Janeway who was killed in battle against the Borg. She gave her life for the safety of her ship and her crew and I'm sure her heroism will be noted in the logs of the majority of her former crew. It is my intention, when we succeed in returning to the Alpha quadrant, to recommend her to the Admiralty for a posthumous medal of valour," he said forcing back the tears from his eyes, "I will keep any further comments with regards to the officer we have lost for my personal logs but I will state here that it is my full intention to maintain her honour and her memory onboard this ship and complete the task she appointed herself in getting this crew home. I will ensure that Kathryn Janeway did not give her life in vain. Computer end log."
He sat back in his chair, rubbing his hand over his eyes as the computer beeped to acknowledge the saved entry. He tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling willing himself not to cry for fear of someone walking in from the Bridge. He heard a beep but ignored it; the thought of crew reports unappealing to him but the voice that rang out had him nearly leaping out of his chair.
"Chakotay if you're listening to this then it means that at least part of my plan failed and the shuttle I was in has been assimilated or been destroyed and I'm so sorry that I broke my promise to you."
Chakotay sat up, regarding the screen and Kathryn's image upon it, recognising her clothes from the night he had first kissed her. He pressed a hand to his mouth, placing a barrier against the rising emotions as he realised she had prepared for her death almost as soon as they had decided upon their plan for facing the Borg.
"I've encrypted this message to play when you and you alone formalise my death in the ship's logs, so if this is playing then I'm happy because you're safe and I'm hoping Voyager and her crew are too. As I'm recording this you're no more than a room away from me and you don't know how hard it is for me to resist calling you back, I'm only ever comforted when you're at my side now. There's so much I want to say to you Chakotay but I don't have the courage to now and I don't know if I'll find the courage to before we face the Borg. Even if I haven't though I can tell you now that you have been the best friend I've ever had and I am so glad, despite everything, that we have gone through this journey together. I'm only sorry I can't be with you until the end.
"I only have one request because I know you too well and I know how you'll be reacting to things. Don't blame the Doctor for my death. He warned me about the risks when I decided to take on the piloting role. I made the choice to fly out and meet the Borg, it was my decision and not his. He and Donna are our friends and they should remain yours. I did this to us Chakotay, not him. I know you're hurting right now and I would give the world to be able to put my arms around you and tell you it'll be alright. It will be alright Chakotay."
Kathryn paused to wipe away the tears that had been flowing down her cheeks as she spoke, Chakotay absently mimicking her as she did so.
"Take care of the crew and do all you can to get home. I don't know much about what lies beyond this life, I used to believe everything was so black and white but your faith and your belief have made me hope for so much more, so I'm hoping now that somehow, someway you and I will always be together some how. I wish you all the happiness and luck in the world and I know you will get home. Take care my friend, maybe one day I'll see you again. Goodbye Chakotay."
Chakotay watched as she laid her delicate fingers on the screen before it cut off, her smile sad but resolved as she offered him her final farewell. As the image blinked out he had to hold his hand back from the irrational urge to snatch for it in mid-air, wanting to keep hold of her voice and her image if only for a moment longer. He tried to get the message to play again but the computer refused him, the message clearly coded to play once for him and never again; Kathryn in her foresight knowing that he would torture himself with it.
He dropped his face into his hands, feeling numb rather than any distinguishable emotion as he thought of the brilliant life that Kathryn had so willingly sacrificed for them all. Her message of farewell and her expression of relief that it found him well felt almost humbling, to be the most treasured friend and companion of the woman who had set out to be his enemy and jailer. He knew if he could have the time again he would have insisted upon his life being given for hers.
He drew a deep breath, the lingering scent of her that still clung to the room assaulting him but he allowed the brief comfort he brought. He allowed himself a small smile as he imagined her stood before him, hands on her hips as she playfully ordered him to pull himself together. It had been a necessary game between them as their friendship grew, convincing and teasing each other out of any melancholy that threatened to take them as they shared the burden of Voyager.
"I'll do you proud Captain," he said to thin air, "If not you can haunt me though I might just fail so that I can see you again. I don't want to say goodbye to you Kathryn."
He almost expected her to answer, her voice coming from across the room as she sat cradling a cup of coffee in the view port but as he raised his head he realised that it was a silhouette that he had to accept he would never see again. He got to his feet, deciding that his best course of action would be to ensure Neelix had everything in order for the ceremony rather than dwell upon melancholy thoughts away from the rest of his crew. With one final look across the ready room he allowed himself a small smile at the memories he and Kathryn had shared there before he left to help his crew heal for the future.
xxxx
Chakotay was sure he had never heard quite so many muffled sobs as he stood before his assembled crew in the mess hall. Were it not for their reddened eyes and tear stained cheeks they would have looked resplendent in their dress uniforms, ordered neatly into rows as they offered their final honours to the Captain. The formalities done with, Tuvok's help invaluable as Chakotay found himself stumbling over the necessary words, he had opened the floor to the rest of the crew and had not been surprised as one after another they stood to offer their own memories of the Captain.
He shared their melancholy laughter at the funnier stories and felt his pride in Kathryn double each time someone spoke of her bravery and her grace. He knew that the Starfleet crew would speak fondly of her, many of them having served with her from her first placing as a science officer and in her other roles as she moved up through the ranks, but the number of his own former Marquis crew who stepped forward surprised him. Finally the column of crewmembers willing to speak seemed to cease and Chakotay moved to end the ceremony only to see a familiar figure struggle to his feet at the back, clinging onto Kes' arm as she helped to steady him.
"Captain Chakotay, sir?" said Gerron, the title tripping easier off Marquis tongues who had previously served under his command, "I'd like to say something."
Chakotay nodded, waving him to the front of the room, "I opened the floor to anyone, if you're sure you're up to it?"
Gerron limped slowly to the front, his injuries vastly improved since the battle but set to plague him for several weeks even with the expertise of Voyager's EMH. He waved away the chair that Chakotay offered him, standing to attention and loosing his hold on Kes' arm. He wrung his hands before him before he shook them and held them at his sides, standing as straight as his injuries would allow.
"When I woke up and the Doctor told me that the Captain was dead, I didn't want to believe it," he said, his voice trailing to a pitch that was almost too low to hear before he hauled himself straighter still, "I thought it was an hallucination, I guess that's what I wanted to believe. How could Captain Janeway be dead? I asked myself that for hours, trying to work out how it was possible. She'd survived so much, while we've been here and before. When I came onto Voyager people told me things about her and the more I learned, the more I came to respect her. I'm not ashamed to admit when I came onboard I thought I hated her but what I hated was her uniform, what I thought Starfleet stood for. Captain Janeway was Starfleet but that wasn't all she was.
"She was tough as old boots at times, I remember when she thought we weren't up to scratch and she had Lieutenant Tuvok making us run laps around the ship. We all acted like children about it but afterwards, when we'd proved ourselves, she called us all into her and she told us that she was proud of us and we were proud of ourselves. From then on I wanted to make her proud everyday. I'm not sure if I ever did but I tried. I know though, that I was proud of her. I'll never forget Lieutenant Ayala talking when we flew out to battle, his story about our Starfleet Captain finally proving her mettle and Captain Janeway did prove her mettle. She gave herself to save all of us, that's a bravery I could never match. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm going to miss her."
Kes was quickly at his side as his leg failed him and he stumbled, holding him up but he quickly righted himself. He stood tall, proudly to attention and the action passed like a ripple through the room until they were all on their feet. Chakotay knew the sight would have warmed Kathryn's heart, the crew demonstrating in the simplest way possible how she had succeeded in merging them into a fully functioning crew.
"Tradition would usually have us release the pod containing the Captain's body but we can't offer her that honour," said Chakotay, half glad he would not have to watch her float away from them while part of him longed to be able to say that final goodbye.
He was about to continue to request those who knew how to offer a traditional parade salute but the faint sound of clapping from the back of the room quieted him. The sound seemed to travel through the room, passing from one crewmember to the next until the room thundered with rapturous applause. In shock he looked over to Tuvok, the Vulcan raising an eyebrow in question at the unorthodox salute before he too brought his hands together to joined the applause. The sincerity in the gesture astounded him and he soon joined the masses, barely able to suppress a laugh that Kathryn should be treated the same way they had a star going supernova, amazed by its brilliance.
He scanned the room, watching the faces of the gathered crew until he saw one now familiar red head stood at the back, her cheeks tear stained but her applause as loud and meaningful as anyone else's. He raised a hand to quiet the applause, the crew slowly trailing off but they remained on their feet. He reached into his pocket and closed his hand around Kathryn's pips, remembering the words she had left for him when she had predicted her own fate.
"I'm sure the Captain would be proud to see the crew she has left behind," he said, "She and I often spoke about how lucky we were to have you all and I'm sure I still will be when we finally reach the Alpha quadrant. That will be the day we truly honour Kathryn Janeway but as we travel we need to make sure we hold to the values she taught us. Kathryn believed in giving credit to all those who stood for what was important and I know if she had survived the battle she'd be standing here today speaking about the Doctor. I've come to realise in the passed few hours that no one could have convinced Kathryn to take the actions she took but at the same time no one gave the Doctor the command to fly after her. He died trying to save her and trying to save the Alpha quadrant and for that we should salute him."
The applause didn't materialise as it had for their former Captain but the crew remained at attention, the lack of protest to his words was salute enough from the crew. He heard the ship's whistle sound that would have accompanied the release of the burial pod, letting the lingering echo of the sound die before he ended the service, reminding the crew that the memorial was as much about celebrating the lives of the people they had lost as well as mourning them.
As the service ended the people gathered began to separate off into groups, the volume gradually increasing as stories and memories were shared amongst the crew about both the Captain and the Doctor. Chakotay stood to one side watching them all, knowing that once they passed the difficult weeks ahead of them they would all be alright. He felt someone come to stand behind him but almost jumped in surprise as a warm hand slipped into his own.
"Thank you for saying that about the Doctor," said Donna with a small smile as she looked up at him, "I know it was hard for you."
Chakotay smiled, "I came to realise that Kathryn could never be persuaded into anything," he said, "She wanted to fly out into that battle and she knew the risks. I'm only sorry that we had to lose the both of them."
"I guess its time to stop hoping that they're alive now," said Donna, "Even though I don't want to."
"Me either but neither of them would have wanted us to spend the rest of our lives in mourning," said Chakotay, "I have a crew to get home and you need to learn all you can for when you leave us."
Donna bit her lip as she removed her gaze from his, "About that…" she said quietly, "I was always getting myself into trouble with the Doctor and my taste in men is appalling, I'd probably end up running away with some mass murderer alien with hidden tentacles. So I was thinking that maybe I don't want to go."
"I see," said Chakotay, "Are you asking for me to give you your bed and board for nothing knowing full well I already have a full crew to support?"
Donna blushed crimson, "I know the things I said were…"
Chakotay laughed, "Donna I'm more than happy to have you aboard with us," he said, seeing the relief in her eyes, "Its not sat well with me you wanting to leave anyway. I want you to stay with us, as part of this crew until we can get you back to your own time or we reach the Alpha quadrant."
"I doubt I'll be much use to you, I don't know anything about wark cores or tri-recorders. All I did in my own time was admin," she said.
"We'll find something for you," said Chakotay loosing her hand and placing an arm around her shoulders, "Even if it just keeping Tom out of mischief with stories from the twentieth century."
Donna smiled and laid her head on his shoulder, "Thank you," she said, "Its good to know I still have a friend."
"More than one," said Chakotay, "You're part of a family now."
"Yeah I guess I am," said Donna, "I ain't getting no Yank accent to fit in though, mate."
"We like you just the way you are," said Chakotay, "Though what would you say to a uniform?"
Donna reached up and brushed some invisible lint off his shoulder, "Just not the red," she said, "Not with my hair."
"Not the red then, crewman Noble," he said, "Welcome aboard."
Donna stepped away from him and offered him a playful salute, "Thank you Captain," she said before she took his hand, "Come on, let's raise a glass to the Doctor and to Kathryn."
Chakotay followed her, catching B'Elanna's glance from across the room and knowing even she would come to offer Donna a home with them as she raised her glass to him with a smile.
xxxx