See? I told you I wouldn't take as long this time. I actually would have updated a few days ago, but I had certain…issues with my title, and it took some time, so…here it is anyway. I was kind of hoping to get at least 100 reviews per chapter so I could be CLOSE to the amount I had before but...eh, maybe next time, right? The next update should be even sooner, maybe by the upcoming weekend even, because I'm done editing it (this one had the least changes, so it was easy). I just have to make the changes in the word document, send it to my beta (you are a goddess, Kat, really) and then I'm done.

There's not much to say about this chapter. I changed the title. Okay, that's a lie. The title is changed, but it comes from the brilliant mind of Armin. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a fitting two word phrase. I added a lot of dialogue to make it flow better, but it's basically the same. And it's a bit fluffier, because you guys deserve it.

This chapter (after the first scene) is pretty much perfect; grammar and spelling wise, and you all have Kat to thank for that. The first scene would have been perfect, too, but Kat didn't read that because, as you all now by now, I suck, but the rest of it has been Kat-ified. Seriously, the girl is amazing.

Speaking of amazing…I've got a Leditor from Madame Editor, all the way from camp, so you'd better be appreciative of her.

"Hi, biotechs. (ha. long story. Prod me to explain next chapter, k?) So I'm at (theatre) camp. Sexy, right? Right. so it's really cold today, and this internet is slower than ANYTHING IN THE FREAKING WORLD. No joke. OMFug. But I digress. I was going to write a really kickin letter, and then I realized "ohfug, I'm in camp." What else do I want to tell y'all? Well, I've got a singing part in Less Miserable (zanuzzer shouz). Bite THAT BITCHES! Anyway, I have to go, since I'm freezing. Besas y Amor! –Selly"

Thanks for all your well wishes, guys. It really does mean a lot. A few of your reviews brought me close to tears (although that might have been because I was PMSing and therefore, super emotional). But either way, thanks, seriously, it helps more than you know. Plus, RL is getting much better, so no more bitchy author's notes for the rest of the summer. Rejoice, everyone. Nice!Erica is back!

So ahem. Chapter 3. Happy reading.

Chapter ThreeRomance Novels and Crumpled Letters

"Merlin, Lily. I love this place," exclaimed Sophie as flopped onto the couch with a sigh.

"Yeah, it's great," I replied, perching on the wide windowsill by the fireplace.

"So," she said slyly, bouncing up and down excitedly. "What's it like living with Hogwart's most good looking Head Boy?"

I thought for a moment. "Surprising."

Sophie arched a delicate eyebrow. "Go on."

"It's just…not exactly what I expected it to be." I leaned my head against the cool glass off the window and closed my eyes.

"What did you expect?"

I opened my eyes and stared at the half moon. What did I expect, really? "Honestly? I don't know what I expected. But it's not this."

"My, Lily. You sure are easy to understand," she said with a sarcastic laugh.

"I don't blame you – I don't even understand myself at the moment."

"Lily, what's going on?"

"Nothing's going on. Why?"

"I just…feel like something happened. Did something happen?"

"Sophie, nothing happened."

"I think you're lying. I think something happ – OH. Oh, Oh my God!"

"What?"

"OH MY GOD!"

"WHAT!"

"OH, OH, oh my God!"

"SOPHIE, WHAT?"

"James kissed you!"

It was moments like these that I was glad I didn't have water in my mouth, or something heavy in my hands because the water would have sprayed out, and the something heavy would have easily crushed my foot. As it was, I had to hold on to the ledge to keep from falling off. "Crazy, James didn't kiss me."

"Oh. Did you kiss him?"

I tried to control the mental images that came with that question and tried to look stern, unsuccessfully hiding the blush that immediately followed. "Sophie, no."

She eyed me from across the room. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

She made a sound and picked at her nails while I looked out the window. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. "I wouldn't mind if he kissed me." Sophie said suddenly. "Doesn't he look like an amazing kisser?"

Sophie was insane, I was sure of it. "How can a person look like a good kisser?"

She fell back down on the bed, a dreamy smile on her face. "I can tell. James just looks like he'd kiss you with…passion. Like he'll kiss you with everything he's got." She sat up suddenly. "Oh my god. You have to kiss James and tell me about it."

I laughed. "Sophie you're mental. I am not going to kiss James. Honestly, of all the things…"

She looked at me knowingly. "You will."

"I think you've been reading too many romance novels, Sophie."

"Ooh! Speaking of which," she leaned over the side of the couch and grabbed the bag she had dropped there earlier. "My mom just sent me a few more. I put them in here somewhere."

Sophie's mom was one of those parents I would never understand. Since fourth year, her mother had been sending her cheesy romance novels via owl post to "answer any questions she might have." The books were always dramatic, always predictable, always cheesy, and always had over exaggerated sex scenes that made me blush…but it didn't stop me from loving them. There was just something so nice about their perfect endings, about knowing that no matter what insurmountable odds faced the main characters; they would always end up living happily ever after. I wanted that so much it hurt.

"Here," Sophie said, tossing me a book once we were downstairs.

I flipped through the pages. "Great. Are you going to read the other one now?"

"Can't." She grinned at me. "I've got a date."

I dropped the book. "Why didn't you – Wait, when did – Oh my god…WHO?"

Another grin; surely she enjoyed torturing me. "Jacob McLaughlin."

"You lucky cow! You have to tell me every detail, Sophie, every single detail. I cannot believe you're going out with Jacob. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Jacob McLaughlin was the Minister of Magic's son, and was such an amazement, such a wonder to behold, he was practically revered as some godly entity. He was every bit a Prince Charming. He was refined. Cultured. Dependable. He came from a good family, was brought up well, and was the most charming, smooth, and charismatic 17 year old to be found. The fact that he had crystal blue eyes and a killer smile that sent girls swooning didn't hurt things either.

A first date with Jacob McLaughlin was exceptional. A second was nothing short of a miracle. A third never happened. Every girl wanted a chance with him. Sophie was going to become the most envied girl of the week. I would've feared for my life.

She winked. "I figured the shock would really kick in best now. Just don't tell anyone, okay? I don't quite fancy it getting around."

"Why? If I had a date with someone like Jacob, I'd want the whole world to know."

Sophie smiled. "That's where you and I are different."

I sighed. "But, still. Jacob McLaughlin. I'm so happy for you – depressed for myself, but happy for you." And it was true. As much as I envied Sophie at the moment, I couldn't help but be excited for her.

"Oh, what do you have to be depressed about? You are living with James Potter, for God's sake. It's not quite something to complain about."

She just didn't understand. "James is fine. But he's no Jacob."

"No one is like Jacob," she paused, looking at her watch. "Listen, I've got to go. He's picking me up in a few hours."

She picked up her bag and I walked her out to the door. "Don't forget. Every…single…detail. Tape the date, if you have to. I need to know everything."

Sophie winked. "Don't worry. I doubt I'll forget anything," she called over her shoulder.

I picked up the book that I dropped on the floor and brought it over to the big pouf by the balcony – the one I'd long ago decided was my reading spot. With a sigh, I opened the book. It was quiet tonight; even more so than usual. Sophie was off on her date, and James was, as usual, flying with the Marauder's, and I was…alone.

It didn't normally bother me; being alone a Friday night. At most times I was content knowing that I wanted my relationships to happen a certain way, and that I wouldn't settle for something other than what I wanted. I was even resigned to waiting as long as it would take to find my knight in shining armor – as long as I found him. But it was nights like these, when everyone had something to do, and someone to be with - that I felt lonely, that I wished I already had someone. With another sigh, I opened the book and began reading.

James Potter stilled his broom in midair, looking over the expansive grounds by Hogwarts and sighed. Somehow, being here for seven years and seeing almost all that it had to offer had never taken away from the beauty of the place.

Evelien's going to love this, he thought to himself. Yeah. If she even makes it here. He cringed at thought and gripped the handle of his broom violently, inwardly chastising himself for even thinking it. Evelien'll make it, he told himself roughly. She'll be here next year and she'll be fine. She'll be fine.

"Oy! Prongs!" He heard a masculine voice call. Turning his broom around, James forced a smile at his best friend. With a quaffle tucked under his arm, hair falling into his eyes, and a sly grin on his face, Sirius Black skid his broom to a stop.

"I got it," he said, throwing the quaffle to James.

He caught it easily. "Where's Moony?"

"Coming. Wormtail got his foot stuck in the trick step…twice. Same step." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Last I checked, Remus was threatening to amputate his leg."

James threw the quaffle halfheartedly. "So why aren't you trying to save Peter from his latest calamity?"

"Do you honestly have to ask me that?"

James sighed, "Sirius. I don't…you, you don't have – "

"I don't have to do anything. I want to." He paused, running a hand through his hair. "Look, I know you don't want to think about this, much less talk about it…but, when you do – if you do, that is – I want you to know, I'm…here. I'm here for you."

Most blokes their age would have rather chewed off their arm than say that, but with them it was different. Sirius had never had a real brother or family he could show any kind of affection to. Remus had felt ashamed and outcast everyday of his life. Peter had been struggling with himself for as long as they could remember. James it seemed, was the one thing they all had in common, the one thing that brought them all together, that kept them connected. Ironic wasn't it, that the group of most known, most adored, most looked up to boys in the school were all really the most broken? But there was a sense of brotherhood between them, a friendship that went far beyond a schoolboy bond and a love for pranks and mischief. A bond so great, in fact, that even by age seventeen, they had seen and done things people twice their age couldn't imagine. Sirius once confessed that he would die for them if he had, and though James had never spoken the words, he knew he would as well.

James struggled to answer with his suddenly dry throat. "I know. I know that." How was he supposed to tell Sirius? How was he supposed to tell him that he did think about? Every goddamn second of the day, he thought about it.

James threw the quaffle again, determined not to look Sirius in the eyes, for he knew what he would find there.

Pity.

And he didn't want any of it.

"James."

He looked up reluctantly, unwilling to see the sympathy in his friend's eyes. But there was none there. Just understanding. And James was glad for it.

"It hurts me too, you know," Sirius said, turning away. "She's practically my sister. But we'll get through this, Prongs. We always do."

He nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. We'll get through this. We always do.

James shivered - hoping, praying – that they could get through this too.

"Don't leave me, Selenay," pleaded Jeremy, in a desperate voice. "I can't live without you. You're my reason for breathing; you're my sun; you're my moon – I…love you. I love you, Sel. And I'll love you 'till I die."

Her eyes watered with tears that she was determined not to let fall. "I love you too, Jeremy. You know that. It'll kill me to be away from you, but I…I have no other choice."

"Why?" He demanded, almost roughly, as she turned away from him. She couldn't bear to look at him. She knew if she did, she'd run back into his arm and abandon all pretense – and she couldn't do that. It didn't matter how much she loved him, or how loved she felt when she was with him, or how strong and secure he was whenever he would hold her. I (should this be "it" instead of "I"?)meant nothing anymore. "Well, Sel?" He asked again, turning her around to face him. "What is it?"

Selenay looked down. "I can't…"

"Can't what?" He shook her shoulders. "Can't what, Selenay? Tell me!"

She broke then; the look in his eyes mixed with that expression on his chiseled face, and she just…couldn't take it. "Oh, Jeremy," she sobbed, unrestrained into his shoulder. He held her, wiping away her tears and sorrows and she smiled, if only slightly. At least she knew she was safe, she knew she was loved, she knew she was home. Here…in Jeremy's arms.

I sighed contentedly and smiled, turning the page, quickly submersing myself into Jeremy and Selenay's story. I almost cried with the desperate need to be in Selenay's place – no matter that she was a fictional character. I wanted someone like Jeremy – wanted what he and Sel had. I wanted that romance, the stolen moments, the chaste kisses.

I wanted the love.

With another sigh, I turned the page again.

"What's going on, Sel?" Jeremy asked in a quiet voice, his fingers running up her bare thigh.

"Please Jeremy," she said, just as quietly, closing her eyes. "Not now. Let's just…be, for a while. Please?"

Her voice was desperate, and he sighed. Jeremy tightened his grip on her so that her face rested on his chest. "I'm worried about you. You've been through so much already. I don't want you have to go through anything else."

She didn't answer, and distracted herself by running her fingers over the smooth muscles of Jeremy's stomach.

"Sel?" repeated.

She looked up at him suddenly, raising herself on her elbows. "I love you."

He brought his hand up to her neck, sliding it into her black curls. "I love you, too. You know that. But, Sel – "

But the rest of his sentence was cut off...by her lips.

"Whatcha reading?"

The question came so abruptly, knocking me from my thoughts, and I jumped, sending the book flying, as I tried to still my beating heart. "What are you doing!" I searched frantically for the book, crawling around the floor on my knees, desperate to find it before James did. Oh God, I thought, cringing at the prospect of James seeing what I was reading. "Where is it?" I practically screamed.

"Looking for this?" Came the amused reply.

I looked up, my heart beating frantically at the sight. James Potter. My book. Being thrown from hand to hand. Oh Merlin, I was in for it. "Can you please hand that back to me?" I asked, as calmly as I could, reaching for it.

He held the book out of my reach, grinning as I tried to jump for it. "Now, what do we have here?"

James looked at the cover and I groaned. He'd seen the title.

"Guilty Pleasures? My, my, my, Lily Evans. Who'd have thought? Are you reading…a sex book?"

I wanted to hex him, I really did. "It's not a sex book." I could already feel the blush creeping up my cheeks.

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" He flipped through the pages, and I pounced, ready to wrestle him if I had to. I miscalculated my steps though, and ended up tripping over the rug, sending us to topple over the ground – and leaving us in a position I'd rather not think about.

"Christ, Evans," he groaned. "Watch where you throw yourself, would you?"

"I was not throwing myself anywhere, James." I tried to move my leg from where it was draped around his hip, determinedly avoiding his gaze, but his palm flattened over my thigh, rendering me immobile."Can I have my book back, now?" I stood, holding out my hand impatiently as James sat up, dragging me with him.

"Say please."

He was the most infuriating man I'd ever met. "Please."

James put one hand on my hip and used the other leaf through the book again. "No, I don't think I will. That 'please' wasn't sincere enough."

"Damn it, James!" I yelled, wrenching myself away. I stood over him and attempted to look menacing. "Just give me the fucking book already!"

He stood as well, handing me the book. "Here. I'll let you read about Jeremy's "towering shaft of love" in peace."

My heart stopped pounding at that moment. "His what!"

"You find out some interesting things flipping through the pages of a sex book, I'll tell you that."

"It's NOT a sex book!"

"No?" He grabbed it from me before I had a chance to protest, and held it over his head. Clearing his throat, he picked a page and read: "He closed his eyes. 'Oh, god, Sel. That's amazing. Don't stop. Don't ever stop.' Selenay fisted her hands in his hair and moaned. 'Never, I'll never stop'." He flashed me a triumphant look upon seeing my flushed face. If that's not sex, I don't know what is."

I was afraid to see how red I was. "They are not…they're making love."

"Please. They're having cheap romance novel sex."

"This is not a cheap romance novel!" Except, it sort of was.

James rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'm sorry…an expensive romance novel."

"You are the most infuriating person I've ever met!"

He shrugged. "You're reading trash. I feel liable to let you know that."

Perhaps it was the smug tone of his voice, or the arrogance on his face, or the pompous way he was standing, but I was suddenly furiously, boiling mad. "Trash?" I shrieked, my voice shrill. "What makes…what give you the right….WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"

"I speak the truth."

I wanted to slap him. "You are such a…such a…"

"Such a what, Lily?"

"Such a boy."

"Oh, now I'm really insulted."

"All of you, all the same! You think we're so silly or so fickle and you claim not to understand us and you…and you really just don't get us because…you don't have an ounce of romantic notion in your body!"

"I have plenty of romantic notions in my body."

I scoffed. "Do you, really? You mean there are other things occupying your mind besides pranks and quidditch?"

His eyes darkened and for a moment, I wondered if I maybe shouldn't have said anything. "You have no idea the things that occupy my mind, Evans." His voice was cold, the smile gone from his face. I didn't like it.

"I just meant – "

"I know what you meant. Don't always think that everything everything's as it seems to be. Don't assume you have everyone figured out. Because I assure you that you don't."

"I never thought I had –"

"Didn't you? You never thought I was just some guy pulling pranks to get attention? You never thought that I liked flying just for lack of anything better to do? You think so much, Lily, and yet you never thought that there are other things happening in my life. Things worse than you can even begin to fathom. Had you realized not everyone lives in a perfect little world like yours, you'd see that maybe things are worse than I let in on!" He took a deep breath, running a hand angrily through his hair.

Perfect world? Who was he to say that I lived in a "perfect little world"? He barely knew me! "I don't think that I live in a perfect world. I never said that! And I certainly never thought that you did."

He crossed his arms and turned away, facing the balcony. "It's perfect in comparison to mine."

"Oh, please," I said, suddenly angry. "What's so horrible in your life anyway? What have you got going on that's making your existence so miserable?"

He turned to me, his eyes blazing with fury, his fists clenched at his sides. "Trust me, you don't want to know."

I didn't like this James - this angry, livid, fuming James. I found myself wishing for the grinning, annoying James who helped me with my speech three weeks ago. But I was too stubborn and mad to let this go.

I crossed the room, angrily. "Oh trust me, I do. Because I have trouble imagining what could be so truly wrong with your life."

His fisted clenched and unclenched, and his breathing was hard and labored. His jaw was set and he considered me through narrowed eyes before speaking. "I'm going to go, now, before I end up saying or doing something I'll regret," he practically growled before storming off to the balcony.

If I'd been in my right mind, I would've stayed where I was and let James rage in peace. But that wasn't the case. Instead, I stalked after him, slamming the door to the balcony. "Come on, James. Tell me what this big, terrible disaster is. Have the Wasps not made the World Cup?" I asked sarcastically.

"Lily," he warned in a menacing voice. "Just stop."

"Or perhaps Snape'sunderwear turned blue instead of pink when you paraded it around the school?" It was like standing in front of an incoming train. You knew it was stupid, and reckless, and dangerous, and that you should move before something terrible happened, but you somehow couldn't. You had this…this inner montage that was keeping you in place, telling you to just wait it out, to see what happened, to see just how far you could push the limit.

I saw him clutch the railing. "You don't know when to give it a rest do you –" It was getting closer and closer and it was as if I could hear the train rumbling as it came near, warning me.

"Or maybe your sister sent you an owl tday. She wanted that dress you sent her in a rose color, not red. Tragedy, James. However will you survive?"

His entire posture stiffened, and he turned around, practically burning me with his gaze. "Don't you dare talk about my sister."

"Why not James?" I taunted. "Worried that when she goes here next year they'll all forget about you? Forget all about your stupid pranks and quidditch talent?"

"My sister might not even get to go to Hogwarts next year!" The lights were coming closer, and I could see itgaining speed, charging towards me, practically screaming, "Move the hell out of the way, you crazy psycho, while you still can!"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "Oh? And why not?" I braced myself, I think, only just realizing that there was about to be an impact.

"Because she's fucking dying from cancer, all right?"

And then…crash. That's what it felt like. Like a terrifically huge freight train crashing right into me. I knew I had pushed the limit, but I somehow hadn't expected the limit to push back, "No. No, you're joking. You're not serious." My voice was shaking just as badly as the rest of me. "Please tell me you're joking."

He turned around again, shaking his head. "Why the hell would I joke about something like that?"

I couldn't believe it. I placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm so sor-"

James brushed my hand off, his voice shaking slightly with barely suppressed rage. "Don't touch me." He stormed off the balcony, his angry footsteps echoing from the next room before I heard a door slam.

I slid down, hugging my knees to my chest, trying to ignore the voice in my head screaming at me to go after him. I felt like dirt; no, I felt lower than dirt. I was a horrible, cruel, person who didn't deserve to exist. I was fighting with him about his life, his feelings, histhoughts; telling him that I knew exactly what was going on in his world, when I didn't know a blessed thing. I insulted his sister, for Merlin's sake. His sister who was very possibly dying. Congratulations, Lily, I told myself. You've reached an all time low.

Sophie always told me that my stubborn streak was going to get me into trouble. My mum told me that my inability to quit while I was ahead was going to land me in a tight spot. James – James, himself had told me to stop. He told me to stop. He even walked away when I didn't.

And I didn't listen. I never listened.

The only thing I could do now was apologize and hope that James wouldn't hate me for long. Admitting mistakes never came easily to me – no matter how bad they were. This went far beyond a mistake. And yet, the concept of facing James and apologizing was the most terrifying I ever had. He could quite possibly hate me, a sentiment I could certainly understand, but that didn't make the notion of it seem any less painful.

Still, I had to apologize. I owed him at least that much.

I allowed myself a few more minutes out on the balcony before standing up. I walked out into the common room, starting when I saw a figure sitting by the fire. I thought he'd have left. "James?" I asked softly. He didn't turn around and I walked closer, my heart nearly ripping at the sight of him. His sleeves were rolled back past his elbows, his arms resting on his propped up knees. He was staring into the fire, tie hanging loosely around his neck, a bottle of butterbeer dangling limply from his fingers.

"James?" I asked again.

He took a swig of the butterbeer. "I didn't make it up." He wouldn't turn around.

"Make what up?" I inched closer, almost afraid to go near him.

"About my sister." He took another drink. "That's why you came back in, isn't it? To make sure I wasn't lying about it? Wanted to prove your point that nothing's wrong in my life, right?"

I shook my head furiously. "No, that's not –"

"Because it's true. I really do have a sister, she really is ten, and she really does have cancer." He barely flinched at the words, but I saw a look of pain flash across his features for a brief second, and I was suddenly overcome with the image of a younger James standing in front of his mirror, repeating the words over and overalmost like a mantra. Cancer, cancer, cancer. I imagined him with that same look of pain every time he said it. My heart went out to him.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out, sinking into the plush carpet, next to him. "That's why I came in here. I just," I paused, looking for some sign that he heard me. None came. "I just wanted to say sorry."

James kept staring into the fire. "Why?"

"Well, because." I sat down next to him, wiping my sweaty palms on my thighs. "I feel horrible, James, I really do. I had no right to assume I knew anything about your life or what happens in it. No right."

"No, you didn't."

I wrung my hands, nervously. "Really, I had no idea. I wouldn't have even said anything…I just…I'm sorry."

James took anther drink, not saying anything.

"Can you please say something?" I pleaded desperately.

"I don't think you'll want to hear anything I have to say to you right now."

I swallowed, my heart sinking. "Right. I don't think I would." I stood up. "I don't want you to be mad at me, James, but I'll understand that you are. I really am sorry."

I was halfway to the staircase when I heard him speak. "I'm not mad at you."

I turned back around, my heart beating frantically. "You're - you're not?"

"No." James shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "I probably should be, but I'm not."

"Why aren't you?" I asked quietly, walking back towards him.

"Because, I can't say I blame you. You had no idea really, did you? You were just mad. We all say stupid things when we're mad."

I sat down again, staring at my hands. "Well, either way, I'm sorry."

James nodded, "I know. Thank you."

We sat in silence for a long time. James stared into the fire while I studied him, almost unabashedly. If he saw or felt uncomfortable, he didn't let on. There was just…something about the way he looked at that moment, as if he was much older than his seventeenyears. He sighed and took off his glasses, rubbing a hand over his face. James turned to me and smiled, and I was momentarily struck dumb by the way his eyes looked without his glasses. I felt dizzy,and grabbed hold of a thread on the rug. He just sort of looked at me for a while. I should have stopped looking at him. I didn't. After a minute or two, he turned away and put his glasses back. I just barely suppressed my sigh of relief and went back to looking at him. This time, I was sure he was aware of it. That should have made me look away. It didn't.

Maybe it was just the light forming shadows on his face, but for some reason I noticed just how strong his jaw looked, and how there was the tiniest hint of stubble there, and this…this heat, almost just slammed into me out of nowhere. I gulped and finally looked away, my thoughts roaming back to little, younger, James because that was far safer than big, grown up James and his strong jaw. But those thoughts soon led to ones about how old he might have been when he found out about his sister, and the thought of a younger James crying alone in his dormitory nearly broke my heart.

I wondered how many people knew and realized that it couldn't be many, otherwise it would have been all over the school. I would bet all the sugar quills in Honeydukes that Sirius knew. So that meant most likely Remus and Peter, too. It was more than likely that Professor Dumbledore knew (absolutely nothing escaped that man), but I was fairly sure that was the extent. The fact that I was now part of this tiny group made me strangely happy even though James hadn't exactly told me because he wanted to. Actually, the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I would have ever known had we not fought.

I wondered a lot of things. I wondered when that strong jaw of his showed up. I wondered why I was wondering about that. I decided to wonder about something else. I wondered who told him about his sister. Was it a doctor? Maybe he found out from his parents? The need to know everything was nearly overpowering.

"James?" I asked tenatively.

He turned to me without saying anything. I wasn't feeling brave this time and dropped my gaze. "How…how old were you? When…" I trailed off, thinking that this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe he wouldn't know what I was talking about and we could forget that I ever brought it up.

"Twelve." I looked up, surprised. He cleared his throat and looked down. "I was twelve…when I found out. On Christmas holidays our second year. It was after our Christmas party, actually. I was in bed already, and Evelien just…crawled in and hugged me and I remember that…that her eyes were so damn watery. I thought she had a bad dream, you know? She always came to me when she had a bad dream." He picked at a stray thread on the rug again, and his voice dropped down to a tortured whisper. "She thought I was her big protector or something. I always loved that, you know? Thinking I could save her from anything. Any monsters in the attic or scary dreams… I remember…I remember I reached for my wand, because I always liked to make these ridiculous shadow puppets for her when she was scared, to make her laugh. But she just went, 'Jamie, I have to tell you something you won't like.' And it was like…like my heart just stopped when she told me. I felt like I let her down somehow. This was the one thing I really needed to save her from, and I just…I couldn't do that. I couldn't make it go away, not with a million shadow puppets. I'd never been that scared…in my life, ever. But Evelien...she's…Merlin, she's strong, stronger than any of us, I think."

"Evelien? Beautiful name."

"She's a beautiful girl. I'm going to have to hex the boys away from her in a few years." He bit his lip and closed his eyes as if strained. It must have been horrible, thinking that, and knowing deep down that she might not even be there in a few years. To have those thought plaguing you, torturing you every minute of the day…

"How do you deal with it?" I asked before I could stop myself.

It took him a while before he answered. "What do you mean?"

I looked at him before speaking, making sure he wasn't angry. "How can you even act happy, knowing what's going on? I'd never be able to handle it."

He shrugged. "We deal with things differently, I guess."

"I'd probably haul myself up to my room and cry for days on end."

"I've wanted to do that on more than one occasion, believe me. But I've got good friends; they won't let me wallow in my misery. Sirius has been a big help, though Merlin knows he's just as messed up as I am. Pranks are certainly one way of getting things off my mind. Flying has been the best help, lately. And then there's…well," he mumbled something and looked embarrassed.

"What was that?"

"I said…" he cleared his throat again. "I said…you. And then there's…you."

I nearly fell over myself with surprise. "Me?"

James looked at me, the smallest hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Yes. Don't look so shocked. You'd be surprised at how much teasing a pretty girl will get you to stop thinking of things."

I tried not to feel too flattered that he called me a pretty girl. I still was. "Teasing me really helps you get your mind off things?"

"Yes. You're stubborn Lily, and you don't give up easily. And you look cute when you blush – always an added bonus."

I wasn't sure what to do with the string of compliments. Ducking my head, I mumbled, "Thank you. And if teasing me really does help you, then you're welcome to tease me whenever you'd like."

James laughed, a sound that seemed foreign to my ears at the moment. "Whenever I'd like? So, I could walk in while you're showering and tease you then?"

I lifted my hands to my face, covering my flaming cheeks, and groaned. "No. Tease me about whatever you'd like…just not whenever you'd like."

He nodded, and turned to face me, taking a sip of the butterbeer. "Even about your books?"

"Yes, even about my books," I laughed. "Do you really think they're trash?" I asked, without thinking.

"They're not trash," he said carefully. "But they have absolutely no concept of what love really is."

I scoffed. "Explain."

"They're just…completely unrealistic. Love isn't like that."

I cocked my head. "Love isn't like what?"

"That dramatic, that intriguing. Love is much more…natural."

"So you're saying that it's boring?"

James shook his head, and settled his back against the couch. "I'm saying the opposite – that love is amazing because it's not some elaborate plot, because it hasn't be carefully constructed beforehand, because it just…happens."

I sighed. "Oh, no. I have my entire love life planned out. It's been carefully constructed beforehand, and it's exactly what I want. And once I find it, it'll be amazing."

"Love isn't something you plan, Lil. It's not something you can jot down on a "to-do" list. That's the beauty of it. That's what makes it so special; it happens when you least expect it to. No amount of planning will suffice. It just happens…and when it does, it's incredible and powerful and mystifying. Better than any plan you think of, better because it's not a plan you thought of."

"How do you know?" I countered. "Have you ever been in love?"

James closed his eyes and fiddled almost nervously with his hands. "No," he said finally. "I haven't. Have you?"

I sensed there was more to it, but I let it go. I'd learned enough secrets about James tonight. I didn't know if I could handle more. I decided to answer his question instead. "No, I've never…either."

"So then I guess neither or us are qualified enough to make a fair assessment on love."

"True, but, I still think I'm right."

James opened an eye. "That's what you thought about your speech, too," he teased.

I groaned as he laughed. "Not the damned speech. That was almost a month ago."

"Yes. But you never admitted I was right." He smirked at me again, and if today's "incident" had never happened, I might have been angry at it. Instead, I was happy to see us falling back into our old routine. I was even more thrilled to know that we had a routine.

"Well, I used it, didn't I?"

"Ah, but, you never said I was right." He poked me in the shoulder. "Come on, you're a month overdue, admit it – I was right."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "No."

"Do it. Or I'll …I'll tickle you." He grinned smugly.

I tried to ignore the little voice in my head – one that sounded suspiciously like Sophie – that was thrilled to pieces at the prospect of James tickling me. "I'm not ticklish," I said, almost proudly.

"Fine, then, I'll read out all the naughty bits from your sex books."

"They're not sex books!"

James rolled his eyes. "Right, I forgot - your "making love" books."

"You wouldn't do it," I challenged.

He grinned at me, his eyes sparkling. "Is that a dare, Lily?"

I met his smirk with one of my own. "You're supposed to be smart, James. Figure it out –"

Tap.

"What is that?" I asked, looking around the room when I heard it again.

James shrugged. "I have no clue."

The sound came again. "It sounds like an –"

"Oh God," James breathed, looking towards the balcony doors.

I followed his gaze, barely making out the small, tawny owl hovering by the doors. "Oh, it's just an owl." I got up to let the owl in, but his warm hand wrapped around my wrist, stopping me.

"Don't," he whispered.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. "Why? It's probably got a letter –"

James stood up on shaky legs, staring at the bird. "That's Evelien's owl."

"Oh." I stood where I was, watching as James opened the doors and took the envelope from the owl.

"Hello, Ollie," he murmured, stroking the owl before it flew off.

I bit my lips nervously when James took out the parchment and began reading, his hands practically glued to his hair. His eyes scanned the lines quickly, his face quickly returning to the defeated, haunted look I'd seen when I saw him in front of the fire. He looked up suddenly, crumpling the paper before shoving it into his pocket and striding angrily across the room.

"James," I called, grabbing his arm as he shot by me.

He shrugged out of my grasp, grabbedhis broom, and stalked off. I told myself not too feel too hurt, that he probably needed to be left alone, that he didn't meant anything by pulling away, but it didn't help. He paused only when he reached the door. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, not turning around. "I just…I have to go," he whispered feebly.

I walked towards him uncertainly. "James, what's going on? Is she–"

"Please, Lily. I need to…fly. I've got to go and–"

"But is-"

"Just leave it," he murmured. "Please."

I couldn't, though, even though I should have known by now that the safest thing to do was to listen to him. "But-"

"Here," he sighed, fishing the crumpled letter from his pocket.

I took it, surprised. "Are you sure?" I whispered. I wanted answers, desperately, but I didn't want to force James to give them to me.

"Yeah. Lily, I've got to," he murmured in a strained voice. "I have to get out of here."

I nodded. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know. I have to get out there, Lil, I've got to…fly. I need to be in the air. I've got to go," he repeated before turning to the door again.

"James," I whispered, unsure of what to say, or do, or even think.

He opened the door, looking back towards me. He looked as if he was trying to decided something, and quickly, almost as if he wanted to do it before he changed his mind, he crossed the few feet that separated us, and before I could even begin to think about what he would do, he kissed my forehead so softly that I wasn't even sure I felt it.

Then he was gone, and I was left standing by the door, my forehead tingling and a strangely pleasant feeling humming through my body, a crumpled letter from a child I didn't even know lying in my hand…feeling more lost than ever.

Dear Jamie,

I was checked out by another medi-witch today. Mum won't tell me what she said, so I know it's bad. I don't think she told you, either, or I'd have heard from you by now. She just doesn't want you to worry; so please don't be upset with her for not telling you. I don't want you to worry either, Jamie, but I know you will. I know you're going crazy reading this…your hands are probably in your hair right now.

I know you're all worried what'll happen to me. I can see it in your eyes, even though I know you'd never say anything. Sirius especially. And you…you just try so hard not to even think about of it. Well, don't, Jamie. It's okay to sometimes. And it's okay to be scared and worried. I am, too, a little. I'm just afraid of time, of not having enough of it, not being able to do all that I want. But everything's going to be okay. And even if it won't…well, it still will be.

I love you, Jamie. No matter what happens.

Love Always,
Evey

PS – Tell Sirius that his good luck charm loves him as well.

I folded up the letter, dabbing at my eyes. How could a ten year old girl be so strong? Knowing that she could die at any moment, knowing all that she was leaving behind – how could she handle it? How could James handle it? How could anyone? The Potter's were the strongest people I could think of. And James? He was…amazing. To be so strong, so unwavering through all this…it was unbelievable.

I couldn't in a million years imagine being able to handle half as much as James and not become bitter about it. He took life as it came, accepting things for what they were, helping other people when his problems were so great.

I'd never met anyone like him before.

And for the first time, I was glad for it.

So I guess this chapter was a bit surprising for new readers? Not to worry though, there will be plenty of fluff to balance out the new angst, and while Evelien is in the next chapter, the clear focus will be Lily and James. In fact, we are going to see…a whole new side of James, one that isn't normally…viewed. .:snickersnort:. That was probably a most terrible pun, but those of you that have already chapter four (KAT!) know exactly what I'm taking about.

Don't forget to check my live journal for review responses in a few days, and I'm giving away sneak peaks, for both new and old readers. So, if you're interested, the link's in my author bio, as always.

Reviews are love. Winkwink.

Love all you lovelies.
- Ers