eMi to mAo 374- It's been an interesting few weeks, not only did I FIND a job… it was just for Christmas and so now I am yet again unemployed! Let's hope there's not such a delay in-between this chapter and the next, eh?
Gin no Hitomi- Well, since you asked so nicely, here is the first chapter with a hint of Noah! Lol, no action yet… Soon, though, I promise!
XxMissyRandomxX- Thanks for your support, knowing that people are still behind me makes this crap easier to get on with! Hopefully the fact that I am back and updating will make up for the long wait!
marufu-chan- Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad that people are so understanding. I know that being in hospital so much is a little beyond my control, but it still makes me feel bad!
Arid Tundra- Give Jo a chance! She's only been a she for one chapter! (well, actually she's been a she all her life, but you know what I mean) The reason why I did this will (eventually) become clear, but for now, just trust me! I personally only use OCs as a means to get canon characters into situations that they would not normally get themselves into, so if there is an OC that sticks around for a while (I tend to kill the ones that have served their purpose off pretty quick), they are integral to the plot somewhere along the line.
Shinimegami7- Thanks. Real life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?
knux33- Lol, cross-dressing sidekick. Unfortunately for Jo fans, she's being left behind for a while. After all, she'd only get in the way of our boys, wouldn't she?
CrimsonKitsune333- Oceans on steroids? Lol. I'm so glad that you enjoy this fic, even if I am the crappiest author on the face of the planet when it comes to regular updates!
Minato Shiki- Dense? Definitely, though being male, I suppose that they have an excuse! And asking whether I've dropped off the face of the planet or not is not bothering me, in fact, the very fact that you noticed the distinct lack of updates makes me feel tons better.
MysteriousEyez- wow, four chapters behind? I didn't think I updated enough for that to happen! And Jo will have her chance to prove herself, in time.
Kawamoyashi- Thanks for reviewing!
Harmony283- I did consider an awful cliffy, but I decided not to be too mean! And so, here you are, another excuse to procrastinate!
SeikaDragon- Kanda, jealous? Perish the thought! (laughs evilly) I love Komui, I don't think he ever gets enough attention!
Myaeve- Here you are, you can stop twiddling your thumbs now, I've FINALLY updated! Wow… computer hugging… and I thought I was the only one who ever did that. I have three younger siblings… you want one to abuse?
Kayday- Mmm, chocolate… though as a wise friend once told me, if life hands you lemons, write smut.
MiniBloodyMurder- And another one, just to make you happy!
a1y-puff- OMG she's updated again! I bet loads of people thought I'd fallen of the planet or something. I finally got onto the internet for the first time in nearly a month this week, and so finally picked up the e-card. So yay, thank you! (and Beta-Bexi-Face says more art would be welcomed with open arms and a big grin.)
xTincampi- Does this count as upating soon? Probably not, but it's the fact that I've done it now that counts, right? Right?
AnimeFreak4261- If you liked the Yullen titbits in the last chapter, you're going to go crazy-face for this one, lol. And that thing you're hopeful for, yeah, it's coming. It's coming soon…
sweetkakes35- This is going somewhere? Why did no one tell me?! And Joe's name was author's license… I know if I had to change my name to one of the opposite sex, I'd be REALLY confused if it wasn't remotely similar and Joe/Jo was handy… plus my awful beta's demand that Jo King made it into the story… despite 'King' not being the least bit French! (Beta-Bexi says: I resent that, Jo King was not my fault!)
DeathsDragon- I'm glad you like the story, but as for updates, I can only write as fast as real life lets me. I don't have a lot of free time and writing is my hobby, something I do to chill out, not something to add more stress as I try and meet deadlines, that, in the grand scheme of things, are not the be-all and end-all. And Kanda discussing hair care? I'm not ruling it out!
Melodicxstar- I haven't decided exactly what Komui did to deserve that, but it had something to do with his bunny mug. Maybe at some point I'll add a one-shot of which I have three relating to various other fics that I've been meaning to do for so long it's no longer worth doing, so I wouldn't hold your breath! Thanks for your comments. I do tend to be a bit anal about my grammar, and though I do make the odd mistake, it's something I take very seriously as I find not only does bad grammar disrupt the flow of a story, it just makes the damn thing hard to read, so I try my best! Lol, rebellious phase… one that's lasted eight years and counting… I'll die of old age before it decides to grow up and behave at this rate!
ArleneLee- I'm really glad you like this fic so much! Thanks for the review!
Sora pwns x3- I'm sorry that you think my proof-reading has been a little slack- unfortunately, I find that my mind tends to ignore these little details since I know what it's supposed to say, and I just fail to spot them. Hopefully with a beta in my employ (I'm paying her in Lucky fics) this will improve and it'll stop annoying you so much. I would prefer not to use bold to highlight text, but since I already use italics to indicate thought, I needed something that stood out. I previously tried different speech marks, but some people were failing to spot the difference between single and double, so I had to resort to desperate measures. So, with the rebuttal out of the way… on we go… Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad you like the fic so far, and I really appreciate your comments!
AlcoholicTree- I try not to get stressed- got to look this body after all- it's got to last me a while longer yet!
Silver Phoenix7- Thank you so much, I'm glad you're enjoying it so far!
And thanks a bunch to anyone I've missed (my inbox was a MESS when I finally got back on the 'net) and to everyone who has favourited me or this fic.
So yeah, I've finally updated. Took me long enough, eh? So to recap… since last time I updated I got a job, I was in hospital, I came out of hospital, I worked, I went into hospital (22nd December) I came out of hospital (discharged myself Christmas eve- like hell I was spending Christmas in there), lost a job and now, updated! Yay me!
I think, for now, weekly updates will be beyond me, so I think I'll do it fortnightly, since there's a better chance of me being able to stick to it! Thank you all for your patience!
Allen sighed. Although he had been glad enough when Kanda had told him to 'come on the mission or else', the novelty had long since worn off. Around the time that the rain had started, actually.
Water dripped from his fringe into his eyes and he huffed irritably, giving his companion a sideways glance. Ever since they'd left Jo behind in Allen's room with the promise that they return shortly (at least Allen had promised, Kanda had just grunted and scowled), he had noticed something strange (well, stranger) about the older man. He had been quiet, even by Kanda-standards, a contemplative frown on his forehead as though he was deep in thought. Allen could only guess what was troubling the exorcist- and he knew full well that Kanda was troubled- he'd been able to see it in every motion, every step, every glance, every breath that the older man took that something was seriously bothering him, but, Kanda being Kanda, nothing Allen said or did made any difference.
He tried again, hoping to draw some kind of reaction from the older man. Even an insult would be better than this silence.
"I really hate the rain" he muttered, loud enough to carry over the sound of raindrops splashing around them. He tugged his hair woefully from where it was plastered to his face. "Seriously, I don't know how you cope with your hair all the time!" he felt, rather than saw, the amused glance towards him, but it was fleeting. He sighed, but at least he had Kanda's attention. "We're not going to find anything in this weather. I think even the Akuma are taking shelter." He reached out and grasped Kanda's arm, pulling him to a stop. "Let's go somewhere dry to wait out the storm." He gave Kanda's sleeve another tug.
"Che, fine" Kanda said shortly, but he didn't pull his arm free of Allen's grip. "This way."
Allen could feel the warmth of Kanda's arm, even through the exorcist's sleeve and his own glove, and felt a blush creep over his cheeks as he tried to look anywhere but at Kanda's face, but couldn't withhold the small noise of surprise, nor help the way he stumbled slightly when Kanda liberated his sleeve from Allen's clenched hand, only to replace it with a sword calloused palm, fingers wrapping around Allen's gloved palm without hesitation, dragging him along behind him.
Allen held his peace, despite being pulled along like a child. Thinking of it that way was somewhat humiliating, but he couldn't deny that Kanda's firm grip around his hand made the feelings that he'd been ignoring for a long time bubble back to the surface.
Ever since he'd first seen Kanda, right back when he first joined the Order, there had been something about the older man, some strange, unintelligible gravity that had drawn him closer, despite Kanda's obvious dislike of him. Sure, he hadn't agreed with Kanda's views, had hated the way he treated everyone around him like lesser beings, but still, that unnameable something had caused him to try and become closer to him, until one day Allen realized that when arguing, his flush was no longer purely from anger, and that the grudging respect he felt towards the more experienced exorcist was no longer grudging at all and whatever this indescribable, undeniable bubble that resided in his chest was, it grew warm and caused his heart to swell and his breath stutter whenever deep dark eyes turned on him.
He knew what this was, he understood that he was attracted to Kanda. It was understandable, after all, the man was stunning, and at first that was all he thought it was- something physical, and Kanda was a good exorcist, one of the best, so of course Allen watched him and admired him, but then the truth about the Fourteenth had come to light, and all of Allen's attention focused inwards, trying to contain the Noah's memories, trying to stop the fourteenth erasing him and to Allen, more importantly, trying to stop his friends from realizing just how close he was coming to failing.
It wasn't until it had become too much to hide that Allen realized that Kanda had never been fooled by his act, not like the others had, and he wondered whether that meant that Kanda cared more, or cared less than everyone else.
Apparently it meant he cared more, in his own brusque way, and the little bubble of something that resided in Allen's chest had once more grown warm and bright and Allen realized that what he felt for Kanda was more than just respect and admiration, though that was certainly part of it, and though yes, he could definitely appreciate the fact that Kanda was good-looking and physically perfect in every way possible, he was no longer purely lusting over his body (though he'd be stupid to even attempt to deny that just looking at Kanda caused reactions in his own body). What he felt had sailed beyond physical attraction, leapt over the safety of a crush and settled on the stormy seas of more. He wasn't ready to put a name to it yet- that would acknowledge it and make it more real somehow, but he could at least admit that there was something there. He wondered if Kanda felt it too- sometimes their gazes met and held for a little too long, touches, though brief, still lingered longer than a purely platonic brush, but before Allen could even begin to consider what to do about it, he'd been forced to run and staying alive and staying himself had taken precedence over thinking about what could have been.
But now Kanda was here, with him, holding onto his hand as though it was the most natural thing in the world.
He had to know what even such a simple touch was doing to Allen, had to, because the darkness only hid so much and the weather could not explain everything away, but if he had spotted Allen's reaction, he said nothing, instead searching out some kind of shelter.
"Here" Kanda's voice jerked him from his thoughts and Allen glanced up to see that they had arrived in front of a dilapidated church. The doors sagged on their hinges and the interior was dark and uninviting, but the roof was mostly whole and it was dry and sheltered, so they pushed inside, closing the doors behind them as much as they could.
Allen led the way down the central aisle, looking around curiously as he tugged off his gloves and shivered in the cool air. He arrived at the front, standing beside the pulpit and turned around. "We should probably light a fire…" he shrugged. "I hope God won't mind us burning some of this stuff."
Kanda looked at him like he was stupid. "I'd rather piss God off than die of hypothermia" he said, stripping off his coat and eyeing a wooden chair critically, looking between the potential kindling and his sword, a though debating whether to use Mugen for such a menial task.
Allen grinned, just about managing to tear his eyes away from Kanda's bandaged chest, and decided to help Kanda out before he decided to forego the fire just to save Mugen the dishonour of being reduced to the status of a common wood axe.
Activating his innocence, he sliced through the chairs next to the altar as though they were nothing. He ignored Kanda's look, deactivating Crown Clown and looking down at his left hand, flexing his fingers slowly. It had been a while since he last invocated, but that didn't explain the slowness of his reactions, nor the sensation of pins and needles running from fingertip to shoulder with every movement.
A hand on his arm jerked him back to reality and he looked round at Kanda wit slightly wide eyes. A crackling noise made him realise that he must have been zoning out for longer than he thought, since Kanda already had a merry fire blazing and his exorcist coat lying beside it drying out. Kanda was frowning at him and Allen realised that the other man had said something and he hadn't heard a word of it.
"Uh, sorry Kanda, I was miles away. What did you say?"
"Che, stupid idiot. I said give me your coat before you die of pneumonia or something." He didn't quite meet Allen's eyes as he spoke, as though by not doing so he could deny the fact that he was bothering to do something about Allen's bedraggled state.
"Thank you" Allen said quietly as he shrugged out of his coat, handing it to the other man. As Kanda reached out to take it, their hands brushed lightly and they both froze, letting the coat fall to the floor between them, forgotten.
Allen cleared his throat and ducked his head, hiding his blush as Kanda collected the coat from the floor, straightening quickly and turning to place it near the fire to dry off. Allen followed, sitting on the floor as close to the flames as he could in an attempt to dry off his clothes. Kanda took a seat on the opposite side and for a while no one spoke, the only noise was the crackling and snapping of the fire and the rain leaking through the holes in the ceiling.
"So…" Allen began. "How is everyone doing?"
"Che" Kanda sniffed haughtily. "The same as always. The damn Rabbit is still annoying, the idiotic supervisor is still and idiot and-" A subtle shift from the person sitting opposite made him pause in his off-hand reply. "What?" he snapped, sounding a little harsher than he meant to, but he sensed that his words had somehow upset his companion but couldn't for the life of him figure out why, and his confusion presented itself as anger.
Allen did another shuffle, pretending to be getting closer to the fire in an attempt to disguise the awkward motion. "Nothing" he said dismissively, gathering his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them, gazing into the fire intently. In the firelight the brown of his eyes reflected a soft glowing gold and Kanda stiffened slightly, his fingers twitching as he realised that his sword was just out of reach.
Allen looked up at the motion and his eyes were back to normal- plain, brown and desperately sad.
Kanda tried not to feel guilty- he never felt guilty about anything, but he regretted being so hasty with his actions. He watched Allen hug his knees tighter to his chest and wondered if there was anything he could say that would make up for his mistake. He'd never apologise, but if he could figure out what he'd said in the first place that had caused the sudden downturn in mood then perhaps whatever this nasty nagging feeling eating at him was would go away.
"No one understands what's going on" he began quietly, hesitantly. "Leverrier won't allow the truth to be spoken, so everyone in the Order has been forced to make up their own theories."
Allen said nothing, though he was watching Kanda steadily, waiting for his next words. "No one…" Kanda took a breath. "No one believes you deserted them, okay?" he snapped, crossing his arms and looking off to the left.
Allen gave a light chuckle, feeling his coat where it was stretched out beside him. Deeming it dry enough to put on, he wrapped it around himself and moved to sit on the first pew, several feet away from the fire, legs stretched out in front of him and arms spread along the back of the wooden bench, head tipped back and eyes closed.
'He looks so tired' Kanda thought as he too put on his coat and sat beside him, crossing his arms over his chest, looking up at the vaulted ceiling without really seeing it.
He heard Allen shifting beside him and glanced over at his companion. Allen's eyes were half-lidded, lips parted as he gazed at the ceiling that Kanda had been staring at blankly before.
He took a moment to study the younger teen closer. Allen was only sixteen, but right now he could been ageless. It was strange to see him looking so peaceful, and the indolent pose, slightly parted lips and relaxed expression reflecting the soft glow of the dimming fire made it difficult for Kanda to tear his eyes away.
He thought back to what Lavi had said to him, back before he'd left for Paris. Over the time he'd known Allen he'd felt a lot of things toward him, but love? That was not an emotion that he knew much about. His childhood was a blur, though he supposed that the way that Tiedoll had treated him while under his tutelage could be called 'love'. But this was different, wasn't it?
Well, whatever, it didn't really matter – an exorcist didn't have time for such things.
Next to him, Allen sighed lightly, a soft smile on his face and Kanda's resolve wavered slightly. Would it really be so bad? Did the fact that they were soldiers struggling through a war they had been thrust unceremoniously into mean they didn't deserve some happiness? Both of them had their personal battles to fight, so was it such a stretch to turn to each other for support?
Kanda scoffed to himself. He didn't need support from anybody! This was all Lavi's fault, putting stupid ideas into his head. This was not the time to be having such thoughts. Right now they were on a mission, in the middle of a war. Perhaps, if they were both still alive when this was all over… he knew how unlikely that was, but if this whole fate shit had any foundation, then it would happen, right?
"It's really quiet" Allen said after a couple of minutes of comfortable silence.
Kanda raised an eyebrow. "We're in an abandoned church, Moyashi."
"Hmm" Allen agreed, brown eyes now fully open. "But I meant in here." He tapped his temple with his ungloved finger.
Kanda turned to face him fully. "You hear voices?" he asked, apparently concerned for the younger man's sanity.
Allen laughed, but the sound was bitter. "No, that would be crazy!" he said with a smile so sad that Kanda almost reached for him. In fact his hand twitched before he managed to control it.
"Just the one voice" Allen added in a whisper so low that Kanda had to strain to hear it. "All the time, talking to me, and the piano playing- always, and I can't sleep without hearing it and sometimes I remember things that I shouldn't know…" his voice was cracked and hoarse as it trailed away. Allen scrubbed his face with the heels of hands and he visibly tried to pull himself together, forcing a painful smile and planting his hands on his knees, shoulders hunched. "Sorry. You don't want to know all this. The rain's stopped, we should get going." He made to stand, but a firm grip on his wrist halted him and tugged him back into his seat. "Kanda? What?"
"Shut up Moyashi." Kanda wrapped his arms awkwardly around the slighter frame, tucking his chin over Allen's shoulder as he pulled him closer.
Allen decided not to argue. It wouldn't take much for Kanda to go from hugging to homicidal if he said the wrong thing and there was just something so… right about being clutched almost desperately to Kanda's side. With a sigh he allowed his arms to wrap around Kanda's back, clinging to the exorcist coat and turning his face into Kanda's neck.
The older man was sweaty and still a little damp from the rain, and really didn't smell all that nice, but he was warm and solid and strong and, though he didn't speak a word, Allen could hear everything that Kanda was saying. 'You're not alone' the arms around him said, 'you don't have to bear this on your own.'
Allen pressed his face further into Kanda's neck and tightened his own arms briefly around Kanda's back in a silent, but heartfelt 'thank you'.
0o0o0o0o0
Kanda glared at the far wall over Allen's shoulder feeling both extremely angry with himself yet absurdly pleased that his uncharacteristic action had not been rejected.
He felt Allen's grip on him tighten for a moment and wondered if he felt like he needed this just as much as Kanda did. He'd die before he admitted, even to himself, that he was enjoying this closeness, but the feeling of Allen's slighter frame cradled against his own felt so incredibly right that he couldn't bring himself to let go just yet. As well as the fact that, with his face out of sight over Allen's shoulder, the faint blush that he was sure had taken over his features could not be seen, and therefore was easily ignored.
Allen's quiet sigh stirred the short hairs on his neck moments before the younger man pulled away, slumping on the pew like a puppet with cut strings. He didn't look up at Kanda, instead rubbing his nose in an awkward gesture of embarrassed unease.
Kanda stood wordlessly and stomped out the fire, kicking ash and sparks everywhere as he vented his frustration. Just what the hell was wrong with him? He was Kanda, he never went around hugging people! And he hardly ever got hugged either- the only person who dared to do it with any regularity was Lavi, and maybe his general if the frizzy-haired man artist was feeling particularly emotional.
So what on Earth had possessed him to grab hold of the stupid Sprout like it was the most natural thing in the world?
Damn, he was thinking himself into knots, and his frustration must have shown on his face because when he turned around Allen was watching him with a bemused expression.
"What?" he snapped defensively, trying not to seem embarrassed by his actions.
Allen's confused expression changed into one of sly amusement. He didn't think he'd ever seen anything as funny as Kanda having a temper-tantrum like a five year old, even the time Lavi got his head trapped between the bars of a fence couldn't compare to the sight of Kanda stomping over the fire like it had wronged him somehow. He snorted a little laugh that he quickly tried to smother when Kanda snapped at him, a flush of anger and embarrassment spreading over his pale features.
"Nothing" he said blandly, just about managing to get his facial expression under control as Kanda stepped closer, glowering down at the slightly smaller teen as though daring Allen to say something about his uncharacteristic childish display.
Allen met Kanda's eyes but instead of thoughts as to whether he should start running for his life, his mind went completely blank, and for the life of him he couldn't look away. He swallowed reflexively and almost took a step backwards, but a strong hand caught him around his elbow, holding him in place.
"Kanda…I…"
the hand on his arm twitched and he fell silent. He wasn't sure what Kanda wanted, and, if the frown on the older man's face was anything to go by, he didn't quite know what was going on either, but Allen knew what he wanted and reached to entangle the fingers of his unrestrained hand in the lapels of Kanda's coat, urging the taller man nearer, pressing their bodies closer as he turned his face upwards.
Kanda's look of confusion cleared when he felt Allen's body against his own, and couldn't quite believe what was going on when he realised what the hopeful look in the still unfamiliar brown eyes and upturned face meant.
Was this really what he wanted? Sure, he'd thought about it, but that didn't mean that he should do anything, did it?
He frowned when he realised that while his mind was trying to work out when the hell everything had become so surreal, his body had decided that thinking was overrated and the hand not holding Allen's arm was tangled in his long brown hair and their mouths were hovering a hair's breadth apart, just waiting for one of them to make a move and close the distance.
Then suddenly Kanda was being pushed away.
Allen wrapped his arms around himself, backing away and shaking his head in horror, tears gathering in his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he kept muttering under his breath, not meeting Kanda's eyes, eventually turning his back on the other man.
Kanda stood there, his mind so full of 'what the fuck?' that at first he couldn't do anything other than stare dumbfounded at Allen. He couldn't work out whether he was disappointed or not, but he did know he was angry- though whether it was because he's been nearly kissed by the other teen or because he'd been nearly kissed even he didn't know. Eventually he just grabbed Mugen from the pew and belted the sword around his waist. "Che, whatever" he growled, turning on his heel and striding down the aisle, flinging the broken doors wide and glaring his confusion into the night.
Only his eyes did not meet rain soaked streets or French pedestrians.
"Well, well, well," a smooth voice broke the still evening air. "What do we have here?"
Kanda's fist tightened around Mugen's hilt as he growled out the name of the tall figure standing in the churchyard.
"Tyki Mikk."