73. I Can't

Juliet was curled up on the white cushy sofa in her apartment. She stared numbly out the window right across from where she sat. It had been three days since she had been tied to the edge of that clock tower. Every time she closed her eyes, every time she fell asleep, she was back on that chair with the clock ticking closer and closer to the end. Dark circles were quite clear under her sad, empty eyes. She was absolutely exhausted, but was nearly too terrified to fall asleep. Juliet listened as cars passed by on her street. She hadn't talked to anyone since the incident. Basically everyone had called. Everyone but Shawn.

Why do I have to love him? She asked herself with pain in her heart. He was smart, funny, attractive, and everything Juliet could never have. She had realized she had been too little, too late last time she tried to do anything about it. She remembered that night, the night she poured her heart out just to face a hurtful rejection. He was dating Abigail, and there was nothing Juliet could do to change that. She sighed looking down at her cell phone which lay on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

Juliet still wasn't sure when she would be going back to work. Just the thought of going back to being a detective, and possible future dangers made her want to crawl inside a hole and cry. After sobbing shamelessly into his shoulder, Lassiter had mentioned that she might want to take some time off. Juliet had dismissed the suggestion, and said she'd be back by Monday, which was two days away. But now that it was getting closer and closer to that date, she was more considering of Lassiter's idea.

The door bell to her apartment suddenly buzzed, and she quite literally jumped out of her seat. Heart beating frantically, she walked nervously up to the door. She nearly expected it to be Yin or a minion of his. She peered out the peep hole. It was Shawn. What is Shawn doing here? Juliet thought, shakily opening the door. Shawn smiled sympathetically at her as she gestured for him to come in. He stepped in and looked around the room. It had light blue walls with a large poster of three horses galloping framed on the wall. Shawn smiled, he didn't know Jules liked horses.

Shawn stood awkwardly in Juliet's living room. It was adorned with a soft, light gray carpet. It seemed fitting, for gray would probably be the color used to describe her right now. He fiddled with his hands, searching for the right words to say. It was time. He decided he couldn't keep putting off telling Juliet his feelings. When he had heard of the news that she was being held captive by Yin, he was reminded why he was going to say what he had planned on saying when he thought she was dying of Thornburg. This recent case made him realize that being a detective, she really could die any day, illness or not. He couldn't let that happen, not without her knowing all he was feeling.

"Jules?" He asked.

"Hm?"

"Remember what I said at the hospital, about cereal and impatience?" He asked, butterflies fluttering about in the pit of his stomach. He was afraid to tell her, but he had to. He had to let her know.

"Yes." How could she forget? She had analysed and re-analysed that conversation until her brain hurt.

"Well," Shawn said, taking her hand in his, "What I was trying to say was that I-" Juliet was surprised but didn't pull her hand away, she looked right into Shawn's eyes, and they gleamed with pure honesty.

"I-I love you." He finally managed to stutter. Tears threatened to spill out of Juliet's eyes, but she quickly blinked them away. In all truthfulness, she would love to finally be with the one guy she truely loved, but there just too many scars between them. The hurt was too deep.

"Shawn..." She said, unsure what to tell him.

"Shawn. I have been waiting years to tell you that I love you. That I'm in love with you." His face broke into a grin.

"But I-I can't be with you, even if you weren't with Abigail." She said, not believing that she was turning him down. The one she had been waiting for her whole life.

"What? But I'm not with Abigail. Not anymore." Shawn said, his voice dripping with confusion and hurt. Her eyes pleaded with his to understand.

"I really want to Shawn. I really do, but I just can't" She dropped his hand when she realized she was still holding it tightly. He nodded, his eyes glazed with pain.

"I understand." He said, his voice cracking as he walked out of her apartment, softly closing the door behind him.

Juliet stood there in shock for at least five minutes without moving an inch. What have I done? She asked herself, collapsing on the couch. Tears dripped down her face as she realized that she had just turned down the one person she didn't want to live without.