Your Sugar Sits Untouched

Willow and All My Loving

Kyo came home to a silent house. He quietly closed the door as to not disturb the peace rarely found in his home. But the peace didn't last long when he heard Kaoru walk into the living room where Kyo was standing. Kyo's heart froze in his chest at the sight of the guitarist. Kaoru smiled a sweet sort of deceptive smile. One that didn't show what was to come or the past he'd created for Kyo. But Kyo knew. Kaoru walked towards Kyo and hugged the shorter man, his arms wrapped around the small of Kyo's back.

"Kyo! I'm so glad you're home!" Kaoru said in a loving voice he only used when he and Kyo were alone. Kaoru remained in the hug as he continued, his hands roaming around Kyo's torso. "I've been waiting so long…." Kaoru whispered suggestively. Kyo winced.

Kaoru grabbed Kyo's ass and began rubbing himself almost violently against Kyo's crotch. Kyo knew the story too well; He knew what would happen next. He hated it but it was expected after so many long years of abuse. Kaoru quickly undressed himself and his long-time victim. Kyo went numb, successfully trying to block out what was happening. Kaoru pulled Kyo into their shared bedroom. Almost every night Kaoru would 'claim' Kyo as his. Kyo never spoke, never screamed in agony, never resisted. He knew every effort would only be in vain for Kaoru was much stronger than the short blonde man. Kyo had given up after the first year. He had only one escape from these horrors; his only escape was the music he created. Kyo lay cold and motionless as Kaoru screwed him violently into the bed sheets. It almost looked like Kyo was dead, they way he lay unmoving and hardly breathing as he was taken and bleeding. Dead. How much Kyo wished he was.

...

The next day Dir En Grey met with Nightmare again and this time all of the members showed up. Hitsugi was still nervous but Kyo's presence relaxed him despite the fact that Kyo looked like shit. Kyo's hair and make up had been carefully done and his clothes looked nice but something about the way he held himself made Hitsugi worry about the Warumono. Kyo loked almost sickly and kept his head down not speaking throughout the entire meeting.

When the meeting was over Hitsugi asked Kyo to go out drinking with him again. Kyo looked over at the borderline vicious glares he was receiving from Kaoru. Kyo quickly agreed knowing that later he would regret it. Kyo hoped that having a friend would be worth the pain of Kaoru's anger later that night.

...

So the two went to the same bar as the day before.

"What's wrong, Kyo?" Hitsugi asked before they even got their first drinks. Kyo was surprised by the question and stared wide eyed at Hitsugi before answering.

"N-nothing! Nothing's wrong. I'm fine." Kyo answered a little nervously.

Hitsugi was not easily convinced by Kyo's lies. "No really, what's wrong? Is it Kaoru?"

Kyo stared in shock at the red haired guitarist. He was the first person to even notice that something was off between Kyo and Kaoru. Kyo was so shocked he couldn't even answer Hitsugi's question. He didn't want Hitsugi to learn all of his dark secrets. At the moment, Kyo wanted nothing more than Hitsugi's friendship. And Kyo doubted that Hitsugi would stay his friend for long if he knew about the shameful things happening to Kyo behind closed doors. Kyo didn't blame Hitsugi though. Why would Hitsugi want to be around someone as fucked up as Kyo? Even Kyo hated himself, why should Hitsugi be any different?

Hitsugi patiently waited for Kyo's reply but he got none. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't pry like that. It's your business not mine. Forgive me." Kyo quickly nodded. "Not that it's any of my business but are you and Kaoru... Ehm... together?"

Kyo tensed up. He shook his head. Kyo figured Hitsugi wasn't really asking about Kaoru but more as seeing if Kyo was available. The two continued to talk both avoiding the subject of Kaoru. Kyo left a bit early. Hitsugi had offered to drive him home but Kyo politely declined.

Kyo didn't directly go home though; instead he went to his favorite coffee shop and had a muffin. He was avoiding going home to another night of Kaoru.

Sometimes Kyo liked to sit in the busy coffee shop and wonder who would miss him if he were gone. If Kyo one day packed his bags and ran away, who would care? Who would phone the police to report him missing? If Kyo were to kill himself, would they even bother with a funeral? Kyo had no family who cared. So who would be left to miss him? Even his dedicated fans would find another and quickly forget about their favorite Warumono. If no one cared, what was the point of Kyo continuing on? Kyo always ended his thoughts with the conclusion that if he waited long enough, Kaoru would either kill him or Kyo would find someone who did care. And every day Kyo held on desperately to that tiny hope.

That night Kyo came home to Kaoru slamming doors and knocking things around and breaking things. Kyo sighed. Kaoru came charging toward Kyo. He threw Kyo against a nearby wall violently. Then he grabbed an umbrella and began beating Kyo with it. It was the same routine as usual. When it wasn't rape, it was beatings.

Kyo curled up trying to protect himself from Kaoru's blows. Kyo gasped for breath when Kaoru managed to kick him straight in the gut. Kyo knew that if he wasn't careful he could end up in a hospital…or dead.

Kaoru continued lashing out on his defenseless victim. Kyo was fine with the beatings. It was better than rape in his opinion. Less emotional harm was done even if more pyshical harm was. At least this way he had a chance at dying. Every time Kyo thought this was going to be the time he died, Kaoru would stop suddenly. This time he burst into tears. Kyo watched emotionlessly as Kaoru sobbed, still broken from his scarring childhood of abuse.

Kyo watched Kaoru cry. He stood up to walk away but as he turned away he heard Kaoru's weak and sobbing voice, "Kyo... Please don't leave me..."

After that, Kyo walked through the door, locking it behing him. And then, for some reason, Kyo wanted to find Hitsugi.