Out of Mind/Into the Fire
I don't remember anything from the moment we step through the gate to when I woke up inside the ship. The technology they used to cryogenically freeze us is beyond anything we've seen other Goa'uld use. I remember the controls but of course I wasn't focused on figuring out how it worked as I was getting Colonel O'Neill out of there. Everything would have been entirely different if there hadn't been a Tok'ra to help and I continue being alternately grateful and regretful of their assistance and existence.
Seeing General Hammond off world was a great finale to this crazy week. When Teal'c asked Daniel what yee-haw meant I couldn't keep the grin off my face. The look on his and the Colonel's face was hilarious and very memorable. I would have loved to hear the General say that myself.
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Seth
I don't know how I feel about what happened. Logically I was left with no choice. It was instinct, when he pointed the hand device at me I knew what would happen. I didn't need to think about how to get it to work. There wasn't any time for that and I know that it shouldn't matter that he was going to kill me. It does bother me. That I used a weapon created by the goa'uld and utilized to torture and kill. It's more personal; somehow it feels more intimate than a gun or even a knife.
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Fair Game
I've never been a vengeful person. Holding a grudge is pointless and a waste of energy. I would much rather spend my energies on work and friends, something positive. In the last couple years however I've learned that there are some atrocities which cannot be forgiven or easily set aside. I can still compartmentalize enough to accomplish our goals but I find my willingness to take advantage of a situation slightly disturbing. I healed Cronus and I stood in the same room as Nirrti more than once so I know that I can control my instinctive reactions. That is as much a comfort as knowing I need that control is a burden.
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Legacy
I don't believe that the 'gate has caused Daniel's deterioration but I have no means to prove it! They put him in a padded room, the kind I've only ever imagined existed.
Janet kicked me out of the infirmary ordering me to at least rest if not sleep. If I didn't have so much confidence in her I would wonder if what Daniel said was true. Did he really see something go into Teal'c or was it another hallucination?
We came so close to losing Daniel and Teal'c. If Mackenzie hadn't trusted Daniel and waited just a few more hours we wouldn't have been able to save Teal'c … for all the trouble we get into, it's a miracle we continue to pull ourselves out.
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Learning Curve/Orban
As much as I understand the Orbanian's desire to learn as quickly and efficiently as possible I don't agree with their methods. All children should have the chance to be young. At least the children will now have real childhoods, granted it is belated, but at least they won't be shut up in a room for the rest of their lives.
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Point of View
I only made a few notes about the power generator the Colonel created and unfortunately I will never have another opportunity to study it. Of course it did help save Earth from enslavement so really it's a bit selfish to be disappointed.
Daniel has been teasing me since they came back from the other reality. Amazingly, so has Teal'c. I'm not entirely sure he's not actually serious, but as he times his comments with Daniel, I'm fairly certain he's learned the art of Earth humor. The Colonel has been taking it in stride this time and I've followed his lead.
Since the mirror is made of Naquadah, I've suggested that it be stored here but facing a wall until we discover a safe way to destroy it. With any luck that'll be the end of our meetings with alternate realities. I really don't want to meet any more Samantha Carter's married, engaged or otherwise involved with Jack O'Neill.
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Deadman Switch
Dad came for a short visit after we came back with Korra. I never realized how much he likes to gossip. It might just be Selmak's influence but I'm not sure. He and Korra had allot to catch up with and I found myself remembering more about them than before. I told him about Aris Boch and apparently the Tok'ra have already tried to find a way to help his people. Selmak promised to recommend sending any information the council has to us.
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Demons
Having a symbiote has given Teal'c as many lives as Daniel seems to have. Even without having a goa'uld to study, we are learning more about them as time passes just having Teal'c around. After this mission, we're all grateful that Teal'c has Junior. My awareness of a Goa'uld or Tok'ra has become more and more sensitive over time. Teal'c has willingly discussed this with me and on occasion been the one to broach the subject. Always privately and never begrudgingly which I am extremely grateful for.
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Rules of Engagement
We finally evacuated all the men to their home planets. Some of them didn't want to go back to their own world and instead joined friends. We've promised to try to keep in touch as much as we can, however most just want to reacclimate into their society.
Acquiring their weapons has given me a great idea for training new recruits. The General agrees but we still have a year or more before it could conceivably become a reality.
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Forever in a Day
Even though I didn't know her well I know of her through Daniel and I am relieved that Shar'e is no longer suffering. It hurts to see his suffering. He hasn't spoken much except to absolve Teal'c of any guilt and what little he said in the infirmary. Teal'c is either in his quarters meditating or standing just outside the infirmary. The Colonel spends his time in the commissary and I don't know where I should be. So I'm writing and trying to come to terms with her death. Or maybe I'll just join the Colonel.
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Past and Present
I wish I could call Donna or visit somehow. However much I want to, I know how awkward it'll be. She still doesn't remember much and she doesn't remember me at all. I still remember the missions, the overnighters... all the time we spent at pool halls because she believed I should at least be able to put my smarts to some devious use. She doesn't remember teaching me to hustle, or pick locks. She only knows who I am because of all the pictures and I was there in the beginning. It's still hard to remember the look on her face when I would mention something she knew she should know but didn't. I still miss my best friend.
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Jolinar's Memories/ The Devil You Know/Netu
I had to take several steaming hot showers just to rid myself of the heat and grime of that planet. I'm glad we found Dad but if I never had Jolinar's memories of that place… I couldn't tell them just how much I do remember. Even before this mission I remember more than I'm willing to admit. It's just so jumbled and the memories so powerful sometimes. I've found that work keeps the memories from overwhelming me, but that only works for so long. The Colonel and Daniel haven't questioned me about it but I get the impression when it comes up that Teal'c realizes exactly how much I remember.
I had fun with Mark and his family. His kids are great and we spent a lot of time talking and catching up. It's a relief to know he doesn't begrudge me my career and has learned to accept the decisions I've made. He's so relieved to know I work with satellites that he doesn't even consider the possibility it's a cover. Maybe now we can get to the point where we can have an actual conversation.
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Foothold
I haven't gotten nineteen hours of sleep at one time since... ever! The good thing about that is I didn't have to help clean the gate room and I don't feel as guilty about that as I probably should.
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Pretense/Tollana
I have the distinct feeling I lied to Narim. I really hope I didn't though. Jolinar's feelings, while strong, have also given me the ability over time to more clearly distinguish different emotions. I want to ignore the revelations I've had because of this, but I don't want to lie to myself.
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Cassie is starting to ask more questions about this world now. Some of them are more difficult to answer and I'm glad she seems to understand and appreciate the differences. Of course Janet has told me that she does still have trouble with some aspects than others.
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Urgo/P4X-884
I am very grateful to have my mind all to myself again.
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A Hundred Days
I did lie to Narim.
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Shades of Grey
As much as the Colonel's behavior baffles me, the General's confuses me more. I've noticed when no one is paying attention they both seem anxious and contemplative, which, especially for the Colonel, is not normal except on missions. He is going out of his way to push us away and I think I know why.
Daniel came back from the Colonel's very out of sorts. He ranted for a couple hours, but really I think he was hurt and confused. I wish I could reassure him that... just reassure him, but I can't. I am very glad I didn't pull the short straw.
The Colonel hasn't said anything more about the mission and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it anyway. Since he said that in front of Teal'c, it's been hard to avoid the new dynamic that's cropped up. Daniel of course is still oblivious and will stay that way as long as possible. Teal'c doesn't seem to feel the need to broach the subject and I think the Colonel feels the same as I... ignore it as long as possible.
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New Ground
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Maternal Instinct
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Crystal Skull
Daniel insists he's alright with his grandfather staying and I really hope he is. One more life down, I wonder how many more he has?
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