Chapter 4: the same (Ziva)
Disclaimer: "and the word to spell is no." uhh, that would be a big fat N.O.!
A/N: this took me awhile. Hope it's good. This is Ziva's memories and more backstory. Also sorry NCIStwin1 about the flashback thing, I didn't know how else to put it. I just wanted you to get the general idea that that part also happened. I won't be doing that again anyway and thanks for the reviews. Also this and the next chapter that should be up in the next few days are probably my least favorite but I gotta have them. I promise it will get better. Please stick with me :)
Tony was the same. A few grays on the sides of his face and some white and black speckled stubble. He wanted to talk about… it. I wanted to talk about it too but than again, I didn't. Because that would mean that I had to talk about him. I never told anyone about him. Not even my father. It hurt too much. I guess Tony had a right to know at some point but it has been too long. It doesn't matter anymore. Why burden him with the knowledge. He might not even care. I don't know. It's been too long to tell. But seeing him still had the same effect on me. I loved him just as much as I did then.
***(flashback)
I had been imprisoned for almost 7 monthes. I had to keep track of time. It was difficult at times because there were no windows doors leading outside. They fed me two meals a day. They were small and anything but nutritious or delicious but if I wanted to keep my son alive, I had to eat it.
I realized I was pregnant about a month after being captured. I tried to keep it from them for as long as possible but they found out a few weeks after. They reacted exactly how I feared they would. They were happy. Beyond joyful and elated, in a completely sadistic and twisted manor. They had the biggest thing possible to hold under my head.
For fun, they would hold a gun or knife to my stomach to hear me beg. I would not beg for my own life but I would for my baby's. The only thing that kept me going was knowing who's baby it was. Tony's. The timing was spot on. It could not be Rivkin's. I was terrified the whole time that I was pregnant. I had little idea of what to expect. I wanted the time to fly so I could make sure my baby was alright in the world but then again, I would be sentencing my baby to death. I tried to hold on for as long as possible but I knew when my baby was coming. I was terrified and in denial. I prayed that someone would find me and rescue us.
Saleem came in a few hours in. "so Ziva, are you ready to be mother?" he smiled maliciously.
I would not answer. I refused to give him any satisfaction.
"it does not matter anyway. You will never truly be a mother to this baby." he threw some rags next to me. "I have never killed a child on purpose, but if it must be done, it must be done. Then maybe you will tell me what Mossad knows about operation Pack Mule."
"I will never tell you." I hissed as another wave of pain rocked my body.
"huh. we will see. I am leaving for a few days. When I return," he started but didn't finish. He smirked and left. No one returned. I shuttered at the thought of what he would do.
I could handle the pain. I could not handle the fact that I was giving birth in captivity and without any help. I wished more than anything that Tony could be there but I knew that he could not be. He was probably at work, or on a date. He probably already forgot about me. I was a jerk, the way I acted towards him was horrible. He was nosy and annoying at times but he was doing it because he cared.
I lost track of how long it took for him to finally be brought into this world but I knew it was at least 14 hours. His first cries were by far the best thing I had heard in a long time. He was alive, he was fine. He already looked like his father. His greenish blue eyes were all Tony. I wrapped him in the rags which were surprisingly clean. Saleem had some form of conscience.
"shhh, Anthony." I whispered and he quieted. I found it a fitting name. He needed to be strong yet have compassion and I knew no one with a bigger heart than Tony even if it hurt him sometimes.
We were fine for a few days. Then Saleem came back.
"well, well, well, what a...heartwarming, sight." he smiled.
I tried to shrink back into the corner with every step he took toward us. I held Anthony to my chest for dear life.
"I see that you two are fine, healthy." he said slowly. "what is it?"
I did not answer. He took out a small, old revolver and pointed it at him. It seemed odd for a man with countless machine guns only about 20 feet away but he was doing it more for dramatic effect. He was giving me a small chance.
"Boy." I squeeked.
"what is his name?" he asked.
I didn't answer. He cocked the gun.
"Anthony." I said.
He laughed. "a weak name. He will not last long, but if trained properly, he may be useful. A suicide bomber. No one would suspect a young boy saying that he lost his mommy."
"No!" I yelled.
"then tell me what you know about Pack Mule!" what does Mossad know? Why is NCIS involved?"
"I do not know! I was never involved!"
"you lie!" he screamed. "how else did you find me?" he shot a bullet a few feet away from where I sat. Anthony started to cry.
"we gathered intel. I do not how or from who! That was not my assignment! Please do not hurt him!" I cried. I rocked him gently and whispered to him and he soon quieted.
"that is nonsense!" he yelled. "there was no way that you could have found me! We are too careful!"
"I don't know." I surprised myself. I sounded so weak, so small.
Another man walked in and whispered something in Arabic in Saleem's ear. I barely overheard it. New prisoners. Americans. They wanted them to take them to Saleem. In the interrogation room.
"I will be back. And then you will tell me." Saleem said. He and the other man moved quickly. I was too weak to react fast enough. Saleem's man hit me across the face and kicked my side. I doubled over against the wall sandwiching Anthony to protect him. The man pulled me off with ease.
"NO!" I screamed and tried to fight back but then I felt a needle go into my arm. I dropped like a brick. I couldn't move. I watched helplessy as they took my screaming son. I couldn't move, I couldn't yell out. I watched Saleem smile and then everything went fuzzy and faded to black.
I do not know how long I was out. My estimation was about a day and half. Maybe more. I gained feeling and movement back gradually. I was exhausted. I could barely get up but I had to find my son. I hoped that he was not dead. He could not be.
I was working my way up against the wall when Saleem walked in quickly. He looked angry. He shoved a bag over my head and pulled me with him.
"we are going on a little field trip."
He shoved me into another room and dropped me in a chair.
"questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents, concerned, that U.S. forces might mobilize." Saleem said angrily. I could sense other people in the room. "one of you, will give me the identities and locations of operatives in the area, and the other one will die." he ripped off the hood and there before me sat Tony. He looked dirty and a little rough around the edges but otherwise unharmed.
"I will give you a moment to decide who lives." he said and walked out.
There was an akward moment until he spoke.
"so, how was your summer?" he smirked.
I didn't know how to respond. It took me a few moments to find the words.
"out of all the people in the world, who could have found me, it had to be you." I said without breaking eye contact. I was already responsible for the death of our son. I could not take being responsible for his death as well.
"you're welcome. So are you glad to see me?" he asked, smiling.
"you should not have come." was my only response.
"alright. Good catching up. Oh oh yeah I forgot! Taken prisoner." he said as he tried to get up and fell back down dramatically.
"are you alright, McGee?" I asked. I couldn't keep talking to him like this.
"I'm just glad that you're alive." he said from behind me.
"you thought I was dead?" I was surprised. If they thought I was dead, then why come?
"oh, oh yeah." Tony said. He looked slightly crazy. Other than that it was hard to decipher his emotions.
"then why are you here?"
"well, McGee, McGee didn't think you were dead.." Tony started to squirm and wouldn't look at me.
"Tony. Why, are you here?" I had to know.
"couldn't live without you I guess." he said.
It took me by surprise. Maybe I was not the only one that realized their feelings that night. "so you will die with me. You should've left me alone."
"ok tried, couldn't, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum so if there's any questions you don't want to know the answer to.."
"I did not ask anyone to put themselves in harms way for me. I do not deserve it." I said. And I didn't. I couldn't even protect my own son. I hurt everyone I loved. If they stayed around long enough, they died or betrayed me.
"so uh, what are you doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience? Doing penance?" he asked.
"it is justified." I said. The truth was that I really didn't know anymore. I had given enough of my family to people like this. I do not even really remember why I went. Michael seemed like such a stupid reason. Maybe I was trying to figure out some things, which ended up just getting me into more trouble.
"get over yourself." he said seriously. It almost hurt.
"I have. Now you tell Saleem everything you want to hear, and you try to save yourselves. I am ready to die." and I was.
"that's not how it works." McGee spoke up.
"how what works?" I asked.
"the plan."
"you have an escape plan?" I asked in surprise.
He clicked his tongue and winked in response.
"Tony, they have 30 men, heavily armed. Anti tank, anti aircraft weapons. What do you have?"
"well that's where things get a little tricky." he said.
"wait, so you got captured, on purpose?" how could he just be so uncaring, about his own life when I was so close to killing him last time I saw him?
"mhhm." he said.
"These men, are killers. Tony." I said.
"I know. That's why we have to stay alive long enough to not get dead." he smiled. I think he went crazy.
"that would involve being rescued." I said.
"yes it would." he nodded.
"how long will it take?"
"I don't know. How long do you think I've been talking?"
"so what's the plan?" I hissed. If there was a chance of getting out I was taking it. I had to get out to find my son.
"well, we fail to contact Dubai, word gets to the carrier group in the Med. and they scramble after like two raptors that burn sand into glass. How long that's gonna take, I don't know. Hours or days." he said. "Ziva, can you fight?"
I was about to answer when Saleem walked back in.
"oh hey Saleem. What's all the commotion?"
"we are moving out." he said quickly.
"oh good I was getting a little tired of this place." Tony replied.
"we are not taking prisoners."
"oh it was nice talking to you then." he said.
"we are not done yet." Saleem yanked my hair and put a knife to my throat. I saw a glint in his eyes that crushed everything.
"if they do not check in, their people will come looking for them." I said.
"Ziva shut up!" Tony said.
"kill me, you'll need the Americans for leverage." I said.
"I don't make bargains. Plus, the torture will end if you die. Living with the guilt of his death..." he was saying. That's when I truly knew that my son was dead.
"do you make pizza?" Tony interrupted.
"huh?" Saleem was confused.
Then McGee kicked out making Saleem fall. McGee reached for his knife but Saleem was faster and held a gun to McGee.
"Stop, Stop!" Tony yelled. "there's something I haven't told you yet!"
Saleem got up without taking the gun from McGee's direction.
"and what is that?"
"well, I've told you about the brains, I've told you about the guts, the muscle, the scientist, the politician, the leader. I've told you about every member of the team except myself. The part I play." he said quickly.
"yeah, which is?"
"I'm the wildcard, I'm the guy that sees the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. I mean like right now I should be terrified but im not, 'cause I can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. Where Arnie's strapped to the chair shot full of truth serum, he breaks out of his cuffs and kills everyone. You have 30 seconds to live Saleem."
"no. You're still bound. You're lying." he said.
"I can't lie remember. And I never said I was gonna be the one to kill ya. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?" Tony said.
"whooozzz." the glass broke and Saleem fell back. Blood was rushing from his chest.
"look out!" Tony yelled as another man rushed in but was shot like Saleem.
"alright let's go!" Tony said. McGee cut him free and they helped pick me up.
"Tony...wait..." I tried to say but he shushed me.
"shhh. Ziva it's ok. We're getting out of here now. Don't worry." he said as we arrived at the corner and there stood Gibbs.
"let's go home." he said.
***(on the plane)
"Ziva, I know that...when we last saw eachother," Tony started. I finally looked at him and broke. I couldn't bare to look into those eyes. I could barely say his name. Because my son was dead.
Tony was struggling to find words. I just looked away and he stopped trying. I was leaving. After I got myself back together I was going back to Israel. Try to go back to when everything wad alright. Before I killed Ari. Before I met Tony. Before Rivkin. Before I lost my baby.
A/N: whew! That took forever. I was actually going to make it longer but I just couldn't. If you have any ideas it would be nice. I'm thinking about a beta too but I'm not completely sure... Review and tell me what you think! I know, I know ooc. But hey Ziva is pretty broken up here. I mean we all saw her in Somalia and when they brought her home. Just add a baby and impending doom.