Okay, this story is kinda Crenny, but not exactly a romance story. It's just...well, you'll see. And I usually try not to make direct references to specific episodes, but I watched Insheeption just before writing this, and, well...if you haven't seen Insheeption, one section in here won't make sense to you.
I don't own South Park.
Love the One You're With
Saturday, 1:04 P.M.
Baker Hall, UC
Boulder, Colorado
"Morning, babe," Craig greeted the face on his computer screen.
"Morning?" the ebony-haired girl responded, chuckling lightly. "Craig, it's one in the afternoon your time."
"Yes, and I just woke up, which makes it morning."
"Lazy ass."
"Hey, my roommate's still asleep, so I'm doing better than him."
"Yeah, well that's to be expected from Kenny, isn't it?"
At the sound of his name, the blond head of Craig's roommate poked out from under his sheets, glaring daggers at the computer screen.
"Will you two keep it down? Some people are trying to sleep here."
"Hello to you too, Ken."
Kenny rolled his eyes. "Hi, Wendy. How's New Jersey?"
The girl frowned. "New Hampshire," she corrected. "And it's fine. How are you?"
"Dandy, now that I've woken up to your chipper voice."
"Your sarcasm is noted."
The blond groaned, throwing off his covers and stumbling out of bed wearing only his flimsy gray boxers. He yawned, stretching his arms and scratching his chest sleepily.
"Dude!" Craig cried, his hand flying to his computer to cover his webcam. "Could you not expose yourself to my girlfriend?"
"What? I'm wearing underwear, aren't I? Besides, it's not like she doesn't see random guys naked all the time."
"Just because I can't see you doesn't mean I can't hear you," Wendy reminded him, crossing her arms.
"Let's be honest here," Kenny replied, tugging a black T-shirt over his head. "Is this relationship totally monogamous?"
Craig groaned, dropping his hand from his webcam. "Kenny, don't start this."
"Wendy, come on," Kenny continued. "You're two thousand miles away, surrounded by a bunch of Dartmouth guys who are undoubtedly smarter and better looking than my roommate, and you talk to Craig maybe three times a week via Skype. Everyone knows this long-distance thing never really works."
"Kenny, shut up," Craig warned, as the blond slipped on a pair of jeans.
"I'm not seeing other guys," Wendy added.
"Okay," Kenny replied, holding up his hands in surrender. "You're not seeing any sexy Dartmouth guys."
Craig turned back to his computer screen, and he and Wendy exchanged annoyed glances.
"But," Kenny went on, pulling his orange parka from a hook on the wall and slipping his arms into the sleeves, "that doesn't mean Craig's not sleeping around."
"Go suck a dick, Kenny," Craig shot back, flipping his roommate off.
"Oh, I intend to," Kenny replied with a wink, slipping out the door.
Sunday, 4:40 P.M.
Tweak Bros. Coffee
South Park, Colorado
"So," Craig said, stirring his coffee absent-mindedly. "How's life in South Park?"
"Oh, you know," Clyde replied. "Same old, same old. How's Boulder?"
"Full of hippies," Craig replied. "And it seems to get smaller the longer I stay."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"I don't know," Craig replied. "I don't really think it's a good thing."
"Huh. What about Kenny? You like living with him?"
Craig shrugged. "You know. It's Kenny."
Clyde nodded. "You probably miss Wendy, right?"
"Sure."
"That's it?" Clyde asked. "Sure?"
"Well of course I miss her, dude. But I do have a life outside of Wendy."
Clyde stared suspiciously across the table at his friend.
"What?" Craig asked, squirming under Clyde's gaze.
"You have a life outside of Wendy?" Clyde asked carefully. "Or a love life outside of Wendy."
"Dude, are you asking me if I cheat on my girlfriend?"
"Well it has to be tempting. I mean, I'm sure you get pretty…lonely sometimes. And you're girlfriend is all the way in New Hampshire. And she'd have no way of knowing if you were hooking up with someone else."
"And you think I would do that?"
"I didn't say you were, Craig. I was just…asking," Clyde said, bringing his mug to his lips.
"If I'm banging other girls behind Wendy's back?"
"Or guys," Clyde mumbled into his coffee.
"What?"
"Look," Clyde said, setting his mug back down on the table. "Everyone knows Kenny swings both ways. And…well…you've been rooming with him for almost two years now. People start to wonder."
"If I'm gay? Dude, I have a girlfriend!"
"Yeah, a girlfriend who lives two thousand miles away. We've been over this."
"So just because my girlfriend lives out of state and my roommate is bi, I must be screwing him?"
"I didn't say that, Craig. It's just that Dartmouth is really far away. You only see Wendy during breaks. It has to be hard."
"So hard that I resort to fucking Kenny?"
Clyde shrugged. "Well, you know what they say. If you can't be with the one you love…"
"Bone your roommate on the side?"
"Something like that."
"That's fucked up, Clyde."
"Yeah, well, so are you."
Monday, 7:33 P.M.
Baker Hall, UC
Boulder, Colorado
"Argh! I can't find it!" Kenny cried, scrambling across the cluttered floor on his hands and knees.
"Find what?" Craig asked boredly, strolling over to his desk chair.
"My watch."
Craig eyed the worn object on his desk as Kenny crawled under his bed.
"That leather one?" Craig asked, studying the old watch. "With the broken clasp and dead battery? Stuck at 8:46?"
"Yeah. Have you seen it?"
"Nope." He watched, amused, as his roommate threw miscellaneous items out from under his bed in search of his "missing" watch. "Why do you need it so badly anyways?"
"It's my lucky watch!"
"How is it lucky?"
"Because. I've had it on every time I've gotten lucky."
Craig smirked. "And you were planning on getting lucky tonight. Is that it?"
"What's it to you?" came the muffled reply from under Kenny's bed.
Craig rolled his eyes, turning his attention to his computer screen. "You don't need a broken watch to get laid, dude. I'm sure you can get some stupid bastard to give you head without it."
"Was that an offer?"
Before he could reply, a frowning face filled his computer screen.
"Wendy?" Craig greeted the glowering girl. "Something wrong?"
"Why would you think that?" Wendy replied, her frown growing deeper.
"Because you look like you just lost your best friend."
She sighed. "Oh."
"So are you gonna tell me what's up?"
The girl was silent for a moment, and Craig wondered why she bothered logging on at all if she wasn't going to say anything. He really didn't understand girls. Finally, though, Wendy took a deep breath and spoke.
"Do you ever get lonely?"
"Lonely?"
"Yeah? When you're there in your dorm room. Don't you get lonely?"
Craig shrugged, not sure how he was supposed to answer. "Well, I have Kenny. He's kind of a dumbass, but…"
"Are you cheating on me?" Wendy blurted.
Craig scooted back in his desk chair, clutching the edges of the seat in shock. "Wendy, what kind of a question is that?"
"I'm sorry. It's just that…Well, I'm not around. How do I know you're not…getting it from someone else?"
"Are you?"
"No!"
"Than what makes you think I am? You're better than me or something?"
Wendy sighed. "Of course not, Craig. It's just that Eric told me…"
"Eric? Cartman?"
Wendy nodded.
"Why the hell are you talking to Cartman?"
"Because we're friends."
"Since when?"
"Since we ran into each other at that speech meet last month."
"So you run into a guy at some speech competition and you decide to exchange numbers so you can gossip about me?"
"Not gossip, Craig. Eric was just concerned because he heard that you…"
"Concerned my ass," Craig cut her off. "He wants to get in your pants."
"It's not like that."
"And what exactly did Cartman tell you about me?"
"That you have someone else at home."
"And did he tell you who this someone else might be?"
Wendy sighed. "Kenny."
At the mention of his name, the blond slid out from under his bed, grinning up at Craig's computer screen.
"I'm the other woman? Jesus, that's hot."
"Kenny's in the room?" Wendy exclaimed, her cheeks growing red. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Kenny's always in the room," Craig muttered. "You should know that by now. He's impossible to get rid of. Not without some strong antibiotics, at least."
"For the record, I'm allergic to penicillin," Kenny piped up. "So don't try anything. I have a pretty good story about that, actually, but you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you."
Craig flipped off his roommate absently as the blond ambled over to his desk.
"Wends," the dark-haired boy said to his girlfriend, staring intently at the computer screen. "Just because my roommate's a flaming faggot, doesn't mean that I am."
"Hey!" Kenny cried. "I'm not gay! I'm bisexual."
Before either Craig or Wendy could respond, Kenny let out a gasp, snatching up his broken watch from Craig's desktop.
"You knew where this was the whole time, didn't you?"
Wednesday, 5:14 P.M.
Apartment Parking Lot
Boulder, Colorado
"Are you ready, Stan?"
"I'm ready."
"Are you sure? Because I don't want to do this until you're ready."
"I'm ready, Kyle. Let's just get this over with."
"We'll take it nice and slow, okay?"
"No, dude. Do it quick. Like ripping off a band-aid."
"I don't want you to feel overwhelmed, Stan."
"I won't."
"Really? Because when we did this in your backseat, you…"
"I said just do it, Kyle!"
Kyle scowled at his best friend. "Okay, okay, I'm going."
The redhead pulled an empty milk carton from the trunk of Stan's gray Trail Blazer and tossed it into the plastic trash bin. Stan's eyes widened.
"Dude, what the fuck are you doing?"
Kyle rolled his eyes. "I'm throwing this crap away."
"Not so fast!"
"You said you were ready."
"Well…well maybe I changed my mind."
"For God sake, Stan."
"Hey, you guys," a third male voice greeted them, as a familiar blond head peeked around the side of Stan's Blazer.
"Hey, Kenny," Kyle replied, tossing a broken extension cord into the trash bin.
"Finally clearing all the shit out of Stan's piece of shit, I see," Kenny remarked.
"It's not shit," Stan grumbled. "This is meaningful stuff."
"Yeah, well, your meaningful concession stand nachos are leaking meaningful fake cheese all over that meaningful pair of spooge-covered boxers. Are those yours or Kyle's?"
Kyle scowled. "Shut up, Kenny. We're not like that."
"Whatever. I thought Stan was over his hoarding problem."
"He…relapsed. I guess."
"Oh. Well, I just came over here to see if I could borrow twenty bucks from one of you guys."
Stan crossed his arms. "And by 'borrow', you mean…"
"You'll never see it again."
"At least you're honest."
"So?" Kenny urged. "Either of you wanna help me out?"
"Depends," Kyle muttered, shoveling junk into the trash bin. "Are we helping you buy drugs?"
"For your information," Kenny replied, "I have a hot date tonight."
"With Craig?"
Kenny raised an eyebrow. "Craig? The fuck are you on, Kyle?"
"It's not just Kyle," Stan piped up. "Everyone's kind of wondering if you and Craig are…more than just roommates."
"We're lab partners too, but I get the feeling that's not what you're asking me."
"No, Kenny. It's really not."
"Then I assume you've forgotten all about Craig's super hot, insanely smart and miles out of his league girlfriend?"
"We haven't," Kyle replied, slapping Stan's hand away as he reached into the trash bin for an old T-shirt Kyle had just thrown away. "But she lives in New Hampshire. It's not like he ever sees her."
"So naturally, he must be fucking me."
"We didn't say that, Kenny," Stan responded.
"Have you two been talking to Cartman too? Everyone seems to share this idea all of the sudden that just because Craig can't see his girlfriend every night, he must have made me his bitch."
"Well…has he?"
"Wendy gave Craig this same interrogation two nights ago," Kenny told them. "And Clyde the day before that. What's with everyone getting all suspicious of us all of the sudden?"
"It's not all of the sudden, Kenny," Kyle informed him. "People have been wondering about you two since… Well, since you started living together."
"And it would be a lot less suspicious if you would stop beating around the bush and just answer the question," Stan added.
"Jesus, I come over here to ask you guys a favor and instead I get…" Kenny crossed his arms. "Hold up. I see what you guys are doing. You're trying to distract me."
"Distract you from what?" Kyle asked, tossing a bike seat into the trash.
"You do this every time I ask you for money. You start accusing me of doing drugs or fucking my roommate or some shit like that."
Stan rolled his eyes, retrieving his wallet from his back pocket. "We weren't trying to distract you, Ken."
"I was," Kyle told him.
"And we can't keep giving you money all the time," Stan continued, handing Kenny a twenty. "We do have to buy food and shit, you know."
"Hey, the Kenny McCormick Dating Fund is an extremely noble cause."
"Whatever dude. So now are you gonna tell us whether Craig's a fag or not?"
"Yeah, seriously, Kenny. Everyone's wondering."
Kenny chuckled, slipping the bill into his own pocket. "Craig's as straight as either of you guys. Anyways, I've got a date to get ready for, so I'll catch you later. Thanks for the loan, er… donation, Stan."
"Welcome," Stan murmured.
"Later," Kyle called after their friend as he strolled away.
"Dude," Stan whispered, staring after Kenny with a deep frown. "You don't think he knows, do you?"
"No way. Kenny just says things like that because he's a dick. Now come on. Help me clean out your truck so we can have some fun back here."
Wednesday, 6:30 P.M.
Baker Hall, UC
Boulder, Colorado
"Craig, I'm seeing someone else."
Craig stared at his computer screen, dumbfounded.
"He's a transfer student," Wendy continued. "We're friends. Nothing's really happened yet, but it's been building up for…for a while now."
"So…" Craig swallowed hard. "So this whole time you've been accusing me of cheating on you…you've been going at it with another guy?"
"No. Craig, it's not like that. We haven't even kissed yet. I wanted to…" Wendy's voice trailed off.
"Wanted to what?" Craig prodded.
"To break it off with you first."
"You're breaking up with me."
"It's the right thing to do."
Craig sighed. "That would be the right thing to do, wouldn't it?"
He wasn't sure what else to say. He wasn't heartbroken, he decided. Upset, sure, but not heartbroken. It wasn't as if he thought he'd marry Wendy or anything.
"Craig…"
He stared down at his hands. "What?"
"Craig, you seem awfully calm about this. It makes me nervous."
"You're dumping me for another guy. What am I supposed to say?"
"I'm sorry."
He looked back at the computer screen. "Don't be. What's done is done. Just…good luck. Have fun with your new guy."
"Have fun with Kenny," she replied.
Craig wrinkled his forehead. "Wendy, what the fuck?"
"Goodbye, Craig."
And just like that, Wendy's face disappeared from his computer screen.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been staring blankly at his screen saver when the door opened behind him and his roommate strolled in, whistling lightly.
"Hey dude," Kenny greeted him, parking himself on the end of his bed. "I got the money from Stan. I swear to god, he and Kyle are so gay it almost grosses me out. And they still think it's, like, a big secret between the two of them. Dude, are you okay?"
Craig turned around. "Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Wendy just dumped me, that's all."
"Wait, what?"
"She, uh, broke up with me."
"What did you say to her?"
"Nothing," Craig murmured. "She met another guy."
"Really? Wendy's got another boyfriend?"
Craig shrugged. "I guess so."
Kenny smirked sadistically. "Well at least she has the balls to admit it."
Craig scowled. "Kenny, it's not funny."
"No, you're right. It's not funny," Kenny agreed, struggling to keep a straight face.
"Kenny…"
"What? Come on, Craig, you know these long distance things never work out. I mean, she lives two thousand miles away."
"That doesn't make this any easier."
"Would it make you feel better if I sucked your dick?"
Craig sighed. "Yes."
Kenny stood, gently urging his roommate out of his desk chair. "Come on then. Pants off."
"Just…no teeth this time," Craig ordered. "That hurt like hell last week."
Oh my god. What the hell was that?
I feel totally weird about this story. Like, really weird. Like, I-can't-believe-I-wrote-this weird. Anyways, the idea was to convince you that Craig and Kenny were just roommates that everyone was accusing of hooking up, and then revealing in the end that they really were hooking up. Not sure if I succeeded, but I hope it was funny either way. And I know you're thinking, "Well, what kind of fucked up relationship is this?", but I repeat, this was not meant to be a romance story. It was just supposed to be funny.
Oh, and you can decide for yourself who Wendy's new guy is. Perhaps it's Cartman-I never revealed where he lived or where he went to school. Personally, I like to think it's Gregory, a student who just traveled to Dartmouth from Yardale, where he had a 4.0 grade point average, and the two spend their mornings skating and laughing and talking of memories past. But you can think whatever you want. Yeah, I'm a dork. Anyways, please review!