The cargo plane had landed in Seattle just after midnight, but they had to wait till the morning until they could get a rental car. They had slept in one of the crew quarters inside the airbase and in the morning an acquaintance of JJ's had given them a lift into town. They had rented a Jeep and set out towards Whistler.
Once they had crossed the border into Canada and left the area of Vancouver behind, they had commented on the distinct differences between the overpopulated continental US and the still relatively open countryside along the Canadian Rockies. While in the US any land was either built on or uninhabitable due to some sort of contamination—nuclear, chemical or whatever else could turn open space into a barren wasteland, the Canadian government had made a point of keeping this part of the country in a tourist-friendly condition. Resorts like Whistler made a killing since they had installed large numbers of industrial size air scrubbers to allow the visitors to spend time outside without wearing rebreathers or exopacks. On wind free days they worked well, but all over the resort were public air monitoring stations and when the wind brought in the pollutants from the not-too-distant mega-cities like Seattle and Vancouver, the monitoring stations' red warning lights would light up and people would either don their rebreathers or retire inside.
This luxury of fresh air had its price though. Without JJ's connections Jake would have certainly not been able to afford a trip like this on his vet pension alone. They had arrived in Whistler around midday and settled down in the chalet. It wasn't entirely wheelchair-friendly, with all the bedrooms being up a flight of rough wooden stairs, but the lower level had an open-plan kitchen, a lounge with a large sofa that Jake had now requisitioned, a bathroom and a conservatory that ran the entire side of the chalet with large sliding glass doors which opened onto a sun deck. On one side inside the conservatory was a Jacuzzi set into a wooden platform, one step up from the tiled floor. Several deck chairs were lined up facing the glass doors, providing a place to rest and enjoy the view across the valley.
The water was steaming and bubbling and condensation was covering the windows. In some places droplets had formed and were running down the glass. It was dark outside now except for some distant lights, refracted into indistinguishable patterns through the drops and haze.
Jake emerged from the bathroom, naked except for the towel he had tied around his waist. He was out of his wheelchair, sitting on the floor, his back towards the lounge. He propelled himself across the floor by leaning backwards, placing his arms behind him then pushing himself up so that his torso swung back pulling his legs after him.
JJ watched the spectacle from the kitchen counter and mused about the efficiency of this form of movement. "A crab's got nothing on you, Jake," he said towards Jake's back. Jake stopped and turned his head and upper body to look at JJ, grinning. "Any faster and I'll get carpet burns on my heels." He resumed his trek past JJ towards the Jacuzzi. JJ kept watching while preparing Mojitos. He noted the stark contrast between Jake's defined upper body musculature, particularly his prominent chest, shoulders and traps and his bony legs; the thin muscles without any tone or shape. He thought of the hours they used to spend at the gym together and the diligent work Jake used to put in to tone his calf muscles and thighs; squats, donkey raises and so forth, while forever complaining that he thought his legs were too thin. It broke JJ's heart. On the surface, however, his face betrayed none of these thoughts.
Jake sidled up to the Jacuzzi and stuck one hand into the water. "Perfect," he muttered. He grabbed his left leg under the knee and placed it into the water. Then he moved the other, sitting on the edge of the Jacuzzi.
JJ, wearing the same attire, walked up behind Jake with their drinks. He looked at the long scar that ran half way up the middle of Jake's back from the sacrum. He walked around the tub and sat down in the water opposite Jake passing him his drink.
"Does that scar bother you sometimes?"
"Do you mean, does it give me sleepless nights because I don't stand a chance at beauty pageants any longer?" Jake laughed and so did JJ. "Of course not."
"You know that's not what I'm asking."
"No, the scar itself doesn't bother me—my lower back still gets sore easily, but the Jacuzzi helps." Jake pushed his feet over the edge of the seat surface they were resting on, untied the towel and lowered himself into to the bubbling water. He leaned back and closed his eyes. "Outstanding."
JJ kept watching Jake. He wondered when Jake would crash and how bad it would be. However well Jake was doing now, JJ knew that his friend's self-confidence had taken a severe knock and that if he didn't manage to redefine his purpose in life, sooner or later he would hit a severe low. He hoped that when the time came, Jake wouldn't shut him out and that he himself wouldn't be deployed to some remote backwater unable to be around to help Jake pick up the pieces.
He wondered in which form the drama would unfold that would send Jake down the path of, hopefully temporary, self-destruction; the rejection of a woman or the indifference of the system that accorded no respect to people who, like Jake, had sacrificed more than a fair share of themselves, for a lost cause. Maybe none of the above, but from JJ's experience as a clinical psychologist the crash was inevitable. The more he could help Jake now to construct his new identity, the more he would be able to soften the future blow. He was glad that Jake held on to his childlike curiosity and wonder, that he was still able to see beauty in seemingly innocuous things. JJ knew that his own perspective was far more cynical than Jake's.
Jake opened his eyes and took a sip of his drink. "I really enjoyed our little sleigh adventure earlier."
They had gotten two inner tubes out of the store room and slid down the slope next to the chalet. Not very far, maybe just a hundred yards with JJ pulling Jake back up the mountain on his inner tube after each run. After half an hour or so, JJ had collapsed into a heap next to Jake. They had laughed. Jake had volunteered to take a turn if JJ could find him two ice picks so that he could use those to pull them up the slope. Instead JJ had grabbed a handful of snow, knocked Jake off his inner tube and rubbed the snow into his face. It had turned into a playful snow fight and Jake had eventually managed to get his own back by stuffing some snow down JJ's collar.
JJ took another sip of his drink. "Tomorrow we'll get onto some real slopes. Did you ever ski or snow board only?"
"I skied occasionally, but board mostly."
"Have you ever heard of a sit-ski?"
"No—is that what you have in mind for me?"
"A-huh, there's a school here that rents them and gives lessons. I've booked you in for ten tomorrow morning. You keen?"
"Am I keen? Are you kidding? You're asking an adrenaline junkie who's been cold turkey for four months to pass on a fix? Not in this lifetime." Jake's face was aglow with joy.
"Good. It will be fun. Cheers!" JJ raised his glass.
"Cheers—to friendship."
"No—to brotherhood."
On the second day of his practice sessions, Jake had become proficient enough to venture out onto some more difficult slopes. He was safely strapped into the contraption mounted on a single ski and two short poles with ski-like, articulated ends provided aides for balance and turning. The sit-ski also allowed him and JJ preferred access to the lifts, bypassing some of the longer queues. Jake was elated. After lunch they had found a relatively demanding blue run which tested Jake's new found abilities pretty much to the limit. Around half past three Jake had signaled a time-out to JJ and they had returned to the chalet on the snowmobile which JJ was now driving and Jake was riding shotgun. When they arrived and JJ shut off the engine he felt Jake shaking behind him. JJ got off and one look at Jake's face confirmed that something was amiss. "What's wrong Jake?"
"My lower back has gone into spasm." Strained, his breath was short and flat.
"Okay, just tell me what I need to do."
"Just get me inside first. I need to lie down flat."
JJ picked him up and felt Jake's back arch backwards in his arms. Jake groaned. JJ carried him inside and put him on the sofa. Jake's jaw was clenched and his eyes were screwed shut.
"Get my medical kit from the bathroom." Jake pulled of the beanie, gloves and scarf. He unzipped the jacket, but wasn't able to sit up and take it off. He rolled over onto his stomach. That made the effect of the spasm worse. His back arched and Jake howled in pain and frustration, but he got the jacket off. JJ was already back, medical kit in hand.
"Orphenadrine" Jake struggled through clenched teeth. "two vials—IM."
JJ pulled out the injector vials. The integrated needle was under a twist cap. A ninety degrees clockwise turn locked it in place, activating the delivery mechanism.
Jake had managed to pull up his shirt to expose his lower back and JJ saw the muscles bunched and contracted. Jake was holding against them with his stomach muscles to prevent his back from arching more. He was shaking. "Here!" he pointed into the small of his back.
JJ injected a vial each into the muscles left and right of the spine.
Jake was biting the blanket and his fists were pounding the cushion in front of him.
"Let me turn you over again". JJ grabbed one of Jake's hands and held it tight.
"'k." Jake managed to squeeze in between stifled sobs and groans.
JJ turned Jake onto his back and lay across his stomach to help straighten Jake's back and relieve the strain on the stomach muscles. After a couple more agonizing minutes the injections seemed to take effect. Jake started to relax and his breathing grew steadier. After another 15 minutes the attack had abated.
Jake held his hand out to JJ, exhausted. Sweat was beading his hairline. "I would like to sit up."
JJ took his hand and pulled him into a seated position. Jake reclined against the backrest. He was completely drained.
"I won't be able to move really well for a couple of hours. I'm sorry about this JJ. I should have called it a day earlier."
"No worries, Jake. Nothing to be sorry about. Does this happen much?"
"No." He paused. "I overexerted myself today—just had such a great time. I will have to take it easy tomorrow."
"No worries, Jake. You set the pace—quite a pharmacy you have there. Mind if I have a look?"
Jake shrugged his shoulders "Sure. Go ahead."
JJ pulled out some vials and bottles. He was relieved to see that both a vial of morphine and a bottle of anti-depressants were still unopened. He saw a box of Sildenafil, but didn't comment. Then he held up a half-empty vial of Botox. "I didn't realize you were that worried about your looks."
Jake tried to laugh, but his face contorted into a painful grin instead. The attack had obviously taken its toll on his abdominal muscles, too. "Nothing can improve my looks I'm afraid. I need it to inject my legs every couple of weeks—prevents reflexive spasms, mostly in my lower legs and feet."
"I see."
"JJ, will you get my chair, please?
"Sure. Where do you want to go?"
"Bathroom—Jacuzzi—Sleep."
"How about something to eat?"
"Yeah, that too."
"Okay, I'll order pizzas then."
JJ pushed the chair up next to the sofa. With very slow, deliberate movements Jake had taken off his boots and socks and massaged one of his feet. He unzipped his ski pants but was now struggling to get them off.
JJ regarded Jake thoughtfully. "Can I help?"
"No!" Then he shook his head and leaned against the sofa's back. "Yes, please. My own fault"
"Your own fault what? Just lift yourself up for a moment, can you?"
Jake put both arm over the backrest and levered himself up so that JJ could slide the pants down his hips. "To have gotten myself into this situation—JJ you know I can deal with the paralysis, the pain—I just can't deal with needing help. Why is that?"
"Let's chat about that later in the hot tub. Will you need help in the bathroom now?"
"No, I think I can manage. If not I'll shout, just give me a hand to get into the chair." Jake reached up with both arms to hold around JJ's neck. JJ let him grab on and swiveled him into his chair.
JJ phoned in their pizza order while Jake was in the bathroom. JJ was curious to know what exactly Jake needed to do to deal with the effects of his paralysis, but since he felt that Jake's resistance to being helped was largely due to his perceived as well as factual loss of independence and privacy, he decided not to ask. He went upstairs and called Nora to give her an update on the day's events then changed into dark drawstring pants and an oversized hooded sweatshirt. He walked out of the bedroom and leaned on the banister of the narrow gallery that led to the bedrooms and overlooked the lounge below. He saw that Jake had had a similar idea. He was back in the lounge in his chair next to the sofa, wearing black drawstring pants and was just busy pulling a black, long-sleeved shirt over his head. He still moved with great care and seemed to have trouble keeping his balance. The doorbell rang. Jake turned his upper body towards the sound as he was struggling with his shirt and the movement made him keel over forward. He just managed to brace himself with one hand by grabbing his shin before the momentum carried him out of his chair and onto the floor. JJ laughed involuntarily.
Jake looked up at him, slowly pushing himself back into a seated position. "Very funny." His expression was stony.
The doorbell rang again. JJ started to move towards the stairs, but Jake who had pulled down his shirt now grabbed his phone off the sofa and made his way towards the door. "I'll get this."
Jake opened the door. The kid standing in the light of the porch looked like he was no older than sixteen. His most remarkable feature were his long ginger dreadlocks. "Here's your pizzas. That's 65 creds."
Jake held up his phone next to the reader unit that was integrated into the kid's jacket sleeve. It blinked and the phone screen lit up with the amount. Jake keyed in +10% to add the tip. Then he hit the confirm button. The phone beeped and showed the completed transaction. Jake took the pizzas.
The kid read the confirmation and grinned. "Thanks." He started to turn around, but then he hesitated. Turning back to Jake he said. "I saw you ski earlier today. I think you were awesome."
Jake hadn't intended to be rude, but the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Wanna switch? Fuck off."
The kid blushed, turned and literally ran back to his snow mobile.
JJ had walked up behind Jake and took the pizza boxes from his lap. "Geez, Jake. You gotta take compliments a bit more graciously."
Jake still holding on to the chair with one hand for balance rubbed his other hand over his face. "I didn't mean to say that. It just slipped out."
"Come let's eat before the pizzas get cold." They settled at the dining table in the lounge. "Why—" JJ started the sentence between taking bites out of a slice of pizza, "did the kid's comment rattle you so much?"
Jake kept staring at the pizza in the carton in front of him, picking at the trimmings. After a while he said, "I noticed him practicing flips and jumps at the ramp while we were having lunch today. He's good. Not as good as I used to be, but good. He's got potential." He pushed the pizza box away and rested his upper body on the table in front of him, his head buried between his arms. "Right now I can't even sit up without falling over unless I hold onto something." He raised his head and looked at JJ. "Why me, JJ? Why me? Why did they shoot at me and not at the others? Why did the carbon fiber shell break when it should have been able to withstand the force of the impact? Why is some fucking bureaucrat assigning some figure to my ability to walk and deems is too high to fix my back? Am I a car after an accident where the cost of the repair exceeds its monetary value and therefore it's written off and sent to the scrap yard?"
The anger was clearly visible on Jake's face. He pushed himself upright again and carried on. "Why am I stuck in this fucking chair when Tommy is going off to Pandora? That was my dream! Why is he taking all my dreams away from me?" He pushed away from the table, spun the wheelchair around and disappeared into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
JJ kept looking at the closed bathroom door for a while before he sighed and got up, collecting the uneaten pizza, putting it away in the fridge. Then he fixed himself and Jake a drink, took them through to the conservatory and sat down in one of the deck chairs, waiting for Jake to reappear.
After about half an hour the bathroom door opened and Jake wheeled out, naked except for a towel he had draped over his lap. He rolled into the conservatory and stopped next to the step to the Jacuzzi. "I'm sorry, JJ. I just get so angry at nothing sometimes."
"Anger is good, Jake. I'm sure during your counseling sessions at the VA you were talking about the stages of grief. Anger means you've come a long way already. It is part of the healing process."
"I know," he sighed, "but that doesn't make it any easier." He shot a pained grin a JJ. "Can you please help me into the water today?"
"Sure." JJ got up from the deck chair. He lowered Jake down onto the step and then helped him slide into the Jacuzzi. He walked back to the deck chair, undressed and joined Jake in the tub; drinks in hand. He gave one to Jake. "It wasn't nothing. The kid showed you something you used to be. He showed you something you can't have now. It's like someone stealing your favorite toy. You would be angry about that, too."
"I guess."
"The important part is, though, to express your anger—like you did. That's good, Jake. Don't hold it back. Otherwise it will make you bitter."
Jake leaned his head back and closed his eyes, his arms draped over the edge of the Jacuzzi.
JJ continued. "I think we should find the kid tomorrow and you should apologize to him."
"Is that part of my therapy?"
"You can think of it that way."
"Why would he even want to talk to me now?"
"Maybe he doesn't, but you should still apologize to him—for your sake, Jake, not for his."
"Okay. I guess that makes sense."
The next day they had a slow start. Jake still felt sore, but the paralytic effect of the medication had worn off and he was able to move more freely again. That certainly improved his mood. Around lunch time they set off to the place where Jake had seen the kid. As the day before, he was there practicing his areal snowboard acrobatics. His dreadlocks made him instantly recognizable despite the helmet he was wearing.
Jake was driving the snowmobile today with JJ in the rear. Jake stopped a little away from the end of the run the kid would come down after his jumps. "I would like to talk to him alone."
"Good. I'll be on that deck over there getting something hot to drink." JJ dismounted and pointed at the sundeck outside the restaurant they had gotten lunch from the day before. "Join me when you're done."
Jake slowly approached the bottom end of the run. After a few minutes the kid appeared on the ramp and did a decent Backside Rodeo 540, a back flip with a 1½ twist. But his landing was none too steady. He almost wiped out but managed to regain his balance. As he stopped to get out of the bindings, he noticed Jake watching from a couple of yards away. Jake waved him over. The kid walked up to him, tentatively.
"That was pretty good, but you need to release the grab a bit sooner. You were still too crouched when you landed. That's why you almost wiped."
"What's it to you?"
"I'm sorry about last night. I didn't mean to be rude. It's just that until about five months ago, I would have been able to do what you just did. Now I can't even stand and I am still trying to get used to that."
"That must be hard." His eyes didn't leave Jake's face.
Jake nodded. He liked the openness he saw in the kid's face; the fact that he didn't seem to be uncomfortable in Jake's presence.
Jake extended his hand. "I'm Jake. What's your name kid?"
"Troy—Troy Kost. My friends call me TBone." He shook Jake's hand. "So you used to do this stuff, too?" He gestured back at the jump behind him.
"Yes, used to is the operative word, I can't show you anymore, but I can still tell you a trick or two. Would you like to join me for lunch?"
Troy shrugged his shoulders. "Sure, why not."
Jake slapped the seat behind him. Mount up, I'll drive us over to the restaurant. Troy got on and Jake turned in a wide arc, eventually pulling up next to the sundeck where JJ was waiting.
Troy got off. "How are you going to get up the stairs? Can you walk with assistance?"
Jake shook his head. "Afraid not, but here comes the Marine Corps." JJ was making his way down the stairs. "JJ meet Troy, Troy this is Captain John Sharpe, but you can call him JJ. Everybody else does."
Troy and JJ shook hands "Nice to meet you, Sir"
"Oh, please drop the Sir straight away. I'm on vacation." JJ turned to Jake. "Ready for the stairs? Sorry, they are pretty icy so I need one hand free. I'm going to put you over my shoulder—cool?"
"Cool." Jake pulled his left leg over the seat so that he was now sitting sideways on the snow mobile, facing JJ. JJ knelt down and Jake leaned forward over JJ's shoulder. JJ took the weight and stood up. He climbed up the stairs and put Jake down on one of the benches. Troy walked up behind them.
Jake grinned at Troy. "See—the Marines are good for something. Have a seat."
Troy sat down across from Jake and JJ disappeared inside the restaurant.
"Do you mind if I ask what happened to you?"
"Do you know what a ram-air para glider is?"
Troy nodded.
"I crashed, broke my back and some other parts."
"Ouch—and that was only five months ago and you are already skiing? That's amazing"
"How do you know?"
"My dad was an incomplete T6. He also used to ski on a sit-ski. That's why I noticed you yesterday."
"And now?"
"He's walking again, but it took a long time for him to get the treatment approved. So he spent two years in the chair, but back then he could still walk with assistance—and you?"
"Complete L1." A pained expression flashed across Jake's face.
"Are you also fighting with the insurance to get the treatment approved?"
"No, they have already closed the book on me." Jake sighed.
"I'm sorry, man, that sucks."
Jake found that he could tolerate and accept that expression of empathy. Like JJ, Troy was not displaying any form of uneasiness or pity in Jake's presence. He liked the kid.
"Thanks, Troy. I appreciate that."
JJ walked back to the table with menus. He had been close enough to hear the last exchange, so he nodded approvingly at Jake then sat down next to Troy. "I've ordered us some hot chocolates so long." He handed over the menus. "Pick what you like, Troy. Lunch is on me."
"Thanks." Troy studied the menu. Then he addressed Jake. "You seem to know quite a bit about snowboard acrobatics. How so?"
"That's all I did for more than three years. Got me kicked out of high school, too." He grinned. "I came second three years in a row at the US National Junior Championships."
JJ raised an appreciative eyebrow "You never said."
Jake shrugged. "It wasn't important. I never won."
"So why did you stop?"
"Training for the fourth season I wiped out one day. Broke my left arm badly, shattered elbow and humerus, broken collar bone and dislocated shoulder. Almost bankrupted my dad and got him kicked out of his medical plan; it was so expensive to fix me up. So he forced me to stop and go back and finish high school."
The waiter arrived with their hot chocolates and took their lunch orders.
JJ looked at Jake quizzically. "I never noticed any scars on your arm."
"You wouldn't. After they took out all the metalwork I had the scars revised. Didn't want to give the Marine Corps a reason to reject my application because of an old injury."
Troy studied Jake for a moment. "Are you a Marine, too?"
"I am, I mean I was. I was discharged two weeks ago. I still can't think of myself as a civilian."
"Then it must be twice as hard for you."
Both Jake and JJ looked at Troy in surprise. Jake spoke "How would you know?"
"My cousin is a Marine." Troy didn't offer any additional explanation. Instead he changed the subject. "Can you teach me some of the more advanced jumps?"
"I won't be here long enough for that and hopefully by tomorrow I can get back on the slope myself again."
"Understand."
"What I suggest is that if you are serious about this find yourself a local pro to train you. Then send me video and I'll comment on your jumps and tell you some additional tricks."
"Thanks that would be great."
Jake gave Troy his email address. Their food arrived and they carried on chatting throughout lunch. When they were done Troy excused himself, keen to get back on the slope to try out some of the advice Jake had given him.
"Nice kid." Jake was propped on his elbows. "Let's go back home, my back is taking strain from sitting without support for so long.
"Sure, I authorized the bill earlier already, when I was inside, so let's go."
The sundeck was much more packed now than when they had arrived. JJ walked around the table and put Jake over his shoulder again. They drew some astonished looks from other patrons. Jake tried to ignore them.
Back at the chalet Jake took off his snow gear and went to lie down. "You can go board if you want. Try out some of those double-black diamond runs for me that I won't be able to do."
"Thanks. You need anything before I go? I'll probably be back in an hour and a half, two hours or so."
"No I'm cool. Take your time. I'll probably be asleep while you're away anyway."
"Cool. Catch you later." JJ pulled the door close behind him.
Jake listened to the sound of the snow mobile pulling away, then rolled over on his stomach and was asleep as soon as his head hit the cushion.
When he woke up it was dark. He commed the lights. "Lounge. Lights. Dim Fifty Percent." The lounge lights came on. He reached for his cell phone to check the time; eighteen twenty. Then he turned onto his side and pushed himself up into a seated position. "JJ?" No response. He got into the chair and went to the bathroom. When he came back out sometime later, he had changed into his black drawstring pants and black shirt again. He heard the snow mobile pull up outside.
JJ came through the door carrying several grocery bags and six-packs of beer. "Sorry I'm only back now, Jake. Thought I'd get some groceries while I'm at it."
"No worries mate. I only just got up a few minutes ago anyway." Jake rolled up to the kitchen counter and looked at the amount of supplies. "Are we having a party or something?"
"Huh? Not a party strictly speaking, but I ran into Troy again this afternoon. We had another chat and I invited him over for supper. Turns out he's nineteen though he looks like sixteen if you ask me, but he showed me his ID when I said I didn't believe him. He's not working tonight. I hope you don't mind."
"No, that's cool. What time is he coming?"
"Seven thirty. So I guess I better start cooking, soon." He pulled a cold beer out of the fridge. "Want one?"
"Yes. What are we having for supper?"
JJ gave Jake a beer. "Vat-grown beef steak, real fried onions and mushrooms, baked potatoes, salad."
"Geez, what a feast. That's a step up from the ordinary. What happened to spirulina patties and veggie-flavored tofu? Where they suddenly out of stock?"
"No, we are celebrating."
"Celebrating what?" Jake was at a loss.
"I got a message from the promotions board today. My promotion to Major has gone through." JJ was grinning. "And the best thing is I can stay at Pendleton for the time being."
"Congratulations. That's definitely worth celebrating."
While JJ started preparing their food Jake got back onto the sofa. For the first time since they had arrived Jake switched on the TV. "Lounge. TV. On".
JJ threw him a remote from the kitchen counter. "Here—easier to change channels with this."
Jake flipped through the channels. News, sports, movies, nothing seemed to capture his attention. He watched a few minutes of an old war movie, a group of soldiers advancing on a ridge, but when shots rang out and explosions filled the screen Jake flinched and changed the channel again.
The 3D picture showed a scene of mountains floating in the sky like over-sized balloons. "… to the unique magnetic properties of Pandora and the high quantity of a superconductor embedded into the rock, these mountain formations float in constantly changing patterns up to several hundred meters high in the Pandoran athm…" Jake hit the off button on the remote.
"Hey, that was interesting. Why did you switch that off?" JJ inquired.
"I don't want to know, JJ. I am never gonna go there now, am I? I just don't want to know." Jake was pinching the bridge of his nose again. As JJ had learned, it was a sure sign that Jake was trying to keep tears in check.
"It's okay Jake. Let go. Grieve for the fact that this dream of yours was broken along with your back. There will be other dreams for you. You just haven't dreamed them yet."
Jake grabbed the pillow and stuck his head into it. He let himself fall over onto his side and sobbed. JJ let him be.
A knock on the door announced the arrival of Troy. JJ who was busy preparing salad now, looked up at Jake who was still lying on his side though the flow of tears had stopped. His face was flushed. Pushing himself up, he pulled the chair closer. "Just let me get into the bathroom." He moved across and disappeared into bathroom as JJ walked to the door to let Troy in.
"Hey, Troy."
"Hi, JJ." he looked around "Where's Jake?"
"Bathroom, he'll be out in a few." He opened the fridge. "Beer?"
"Yeah, thanks." He took the beer JJ handed him. Turning around he took in the layout of the chalet. "This is a really nice place. Is it yours?"
"No, but it's in the family. Have been wanting to come here and make use of it for years, but you see, it took for my best friend to break his back to actually make it happen."
"How's Jake dealing with it? I know how hard it was for my dad and he at least had the prospect of walking again."
"So-so. It's still very early days. Mostly he's doing ok, but sometimes something sets him off and he gets angry, like with you yesterday evening, or he bursts into tears. I suppose your dad went through that, too."
"Yeah, he did."
"Then you know how to handle it?"
"Yeah, show empathy but not pity. Our whole family received counseling after my dad's accident three years ago."
"Good. Dealing with people is still difficult for Jake. Especially 'cause he's not getting any support from his own family."
"Oh. I'm glad you're there for him, then."
The bathroom door opened and Jake rolled out. "Hi Troy, nice of you to join us for supper."
"Thanks for the invite. I hope you don't mind if I pick your brain some more about snowboarding, do you?"
"No, that's cool. Did JJ tell you what he's celebrating?"
"Oh, we are celebrating? I thought it was just regular supper."
"He's climbing the ladder. He's going to be promoted to Major next month."
"Wow. Congratulations." Troy extended his hand to JJ who shook it.
"I don't know about you Troy, but I'm gonna make myself a bit more comfortable till JJ's done cooking. I'm going to sit out there." He pointed towards the conservatory. "Wanna join me?"
"Sure."
Jake rolled up to the fridge, got a beer and then made his way out into the glass-enclosed veranda. Troy followed him.
Jake pulled up next to the deckchair closest to the Jacuzzi. Troy took the next one over and sat down. He watched Jake maneuver himself into the deck chair with open curiosity but he didn't stare nor did he look away pretending not to notice.
"Are you comparing notes?" Jake asked.
"Yes. You could say that. You actually move really well. Even though my dad's lesion was incomplete he didn't move with as much grace as you do. Probably because his abdominals and back muscles didn't work so well."
"I would hardly call myself graceful, but thanks anyway." He took a few sips of his beer. "And how is your dad moving, now?"
"He's pretty much back to normal. It's been a year since the surgery. He still gets tired pretty quick, but otherwise everything is working again."
"Your dad's very lucky."
"Why are they not fixing your spine?"
"In my case it's not so easy. I lost two vertebrae, L1 and L2. They were completely fragmented and in L1 the cord was completely shredded and all the descending peripheral nerves were transected, too. I saw the MRI. It looked like that part of me had been through a blender."
"Hectic."
"So they had to clear out all the fragments and make some new custom vertebrae for me. About two inches of nerve tissue are missing so it couldn't be reconnected. It would have to be re-grown first. Technically it's possible, but it's insanely expensive and the whole process would take about two years or so. It's not covered under my benefits. So case closed."
"So what are you going to do now?"
Jake looked a Troy for a long time, then he sighed and said "I wish I knew, kid, I wish I knew."
JJ appeared in the door. "How would you like your beef steaks?"
Troy looked at him almost embarrassed. "Uh, I don't know. I've never had real beef steak before."
"Ok, I'll do yours medium then; and you Jake?"
"Rare, please."
"Consider it done—ready in five."
After dinner they retired back into the conservatory. JJ had even bought a pack of cherry flavored cigarillos to celebrate his promotion. They all settled back into the deck chairs, enjoying their cigarillos in silence. The only sound was the faint humming of the Jacuzzi pump, the bubbles were switched off.
"How about a dip in the Jacuzzi?" JJ offered to Troy.
"I'd like to try that. Something else I've never done before." Troy got up and walked over to the hot tub sticking his hand in. "Wow—it's hot."
Jake laughed. "Jeez—this evening is really an education for you, kid."
Troy blushed. "Sorry, but my family is not so well off."
Jake felt instantly foolish. "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you or your family; I couldn't afford these things neither."
Troy relaxed. "No offense taken."
JJ got up. "I'll get us some towels."
Jake started to undress. He stripped off his shirts and pants. Then he slid forward on the deck chair till he had cleared the arm rests and put his feet on the floor so that he now sat facing the Jacuzzi, his back to Troy. There he waited for JJ to arrive with the towels.
Troy had undressed and walked around the Jacuzzi to the other side. He slid into the hot water. "That's a hectic scar you have on your back. Are you going to have that revised like on your arm?
"No, I think I'll keep it. Not that I can see it in the first place, can I?"
"So?"
This one is different. My arm is perfectly fine. So why should I have a scar indicating that something happened to it at some time in the past? My back is not fine and never will be. I am living with that fact every minute of every day now and I can't hide it so why hide the scar? This is who I am."
"I think that's a great attitude to have."
JJ reappeared and threw a towel at Jake who caught it and tied it around his waist. Then he lowered himself onto the floor and with his crablike, backwards form of movement covered the distance between the deck chair and the pool. He untied the towel again and lowered himself into the water.
JJ distributed another round of beers and got into the water as well. He hit the switch for the bubbles. It was set to low so that the noise would not overwhelm any conversation.
"Cool." Troy had his eyes closed, obviously enjoying the massage provided by the jets in the back of his seat.
"What rank were you, Jake?"
"Corporal. I would have been eligible for promotion to Sergeant next year."
"Hm. I have considered joining, because I like the ethos, Semper Fi and all that, but at the same time I don't like that the military is being used as a political bargaining chip and I don't think that the recent engagements like what went down in Venezuela were justifiable."
JJ could see the emotion play over Jake's face. He knew that Jake was struggling with this particular topic. Troy still had his eyes closed and was unaware of the impact his words had had. JJ stayed quiet to let Jake decide where to take to conversation.
"Troy, I'm sorry. I would prefer not to talk about Venezuela. That's where I crashed. I don't think I can handle this topic gracefully, yet."
Troy opened his eyes and looked at Jake. He'd blushed again. "I'm sorry Jake, for bringing it up. I didn't know."
"No it's cool. We can talk about it some other time, just not—right now."
JJ took over and steered the conversation in a new direction. "How did your dad hurt his back?"
"He works in construction; fell off a scaffold."
"And now?"
"He's back, but working as a foreman now. So he doesn't have to do the heavy work any longer; more of a supervisory position."
"That's good, then."
Jake joined the conversation again. "I also used to work in construction. After I finished high school and until I joined the military—used to drive those big bulldozers. I enjoyed that."
"Where are you from, Jake?"
"From Denver, that's where I grew up."
"Is your family still there?"
"No, my parents are dead and my brother lives in New Jersey, near Princeton."
"And where do you live now?"
"Well," he grinned, "technically, I'm homeless right now. I used to be stationed in San Diego like JJ here, but now I am free to go wherever I want."
"Have you decided, yet?"
"Yeah, I'm going to move back to Denver for the time being."
"Cool. I like Denver. I've been there once to ski at Copper. That was great terrain."
"You're welcome to come visit."
"Why do you have Born Loser tattooed on your arm?"
Jake looked at the tattoo. "Oh, I got that after I had to stop snowboarding competitively, 'cause I never won, always came second."
"So it's not recent?"
Jake laughed. "No it's ancient and it looks like a bit of a home job, too, doesn't it? But I still like it."
Jake pushed himself out of the water and sat on the edge. "Gents, excuse me I'm getting too hot." He tied the towel around his waist and slid back towards the deckchair making himself comfortable by covering up with one of the oversized micro-fleece blankets that were stacked between the chairs. He was almost instantly asleep.
When he woke it was dark in the conservatory except for the faint blue-greenish glow from inside the hot tub. JJ was sitting in the next deckchair. He was smoking another one of the perfumed cigarillos.
Jake stretched his arms up over his head. "Sorry I fell asleep. Where's Troy?"
"He left a while ago. We didn't want to disturb you. You need your beauty sleep."
Jake chuckled "How very considerate of you."
"Have you thought some more about what you're going to do when you get to Denver?"
"Thought about—yes. Have I come up with any great ideas yet? No."
"Why don't you stay in San Diego?"
"Emily." Emily had been Jake's on/off girlfriend for the last three years. They had broken up again just about a month before Jake's deployment to Venezuela. She was still working for a graphic design company in San Diego.
"I don't want to run into her—which would pretty much be inevitable if I stayed."
"You still care about her."
"Yes, I still care about her, but it was her decision to leave and also," he paused, "I don't want her to see me like this." A concerned look appeared on Jake's face. "You haven't told her, have you?"
"No I haven't had any contact with her since she left you. But that doesn't mean that she might not find out some other way."
"I really hope not. I'd rather she remember me like I used to be. I couldn't deal with her now."
"Yeah, she's always been a bit of a spoiled princess."
"Yup, no more spoiled princesses for me then."
"Never say never."
Jake laughed mirthlessly. "Like any woman, let alone a princess, would take a second look at me now."
JJ chuckled. "You'd be surprised, Jake. You'd be surprised."
Jake got back on his sit-ski the next day, but he was more careful not to cause a repeat of the lower back episode. On the final day of their stay, Troy surprised them with an invitation to dinner at his parent's house. Jake was in two minds whether to go, but both Troy and JJ convinced him that it would be good for him to meet new people and so he agreed.
It turned out to be a good evening. Jake actually found that he enjoyed the conversation with Troy's dad Sean. Sean was easygoing and rugged. An outdoors-man like Jake, he found it easy to relate to Jake's experience of confinement. He gave Jake some examples of how he had dealt with the situation without seeming prescriptive or patronizing. At the end of the evening Jake was glad he'd accepted the invitation and realized to his own astonishment that he no longer secretly begrudged the fact that Sean had been given the treatment to walk again.
When they said their final good byes, Sean walked them to their Jeep which they had favored over the snowmobile so they could bring Jake's wheelchair along. After JJ had helped Jake into the car, Sean held the door open for a moment. "Jake, never ever give up hope that one day you also will walk again. You create your own reality. I never stopped believing that for a single moment, despite all the crap the insurance company threw my way. Don't ever give up hope. And if you need someone to talk to you know how to get in touch with me."
"Thanks, Sean. I really appreciate it." And he really meant it.