For the first two weeks back at home, Jake had mostly stayed in bed. He had made Franklin take off the bandage that bound his hand to his chest because it had limited his movement to the degree that it had sent his back into agonizing spasms and Franklin had had to inject him to make them go away.
He alternated between episodes of detached emotional numbness and times of intense grief, followed by spells of depression and anxiety when he wouldn't eat and sleep little. He had tried the antidepressants he still had, but unlike the times when he was dissociative but felt in control, they had just left him feeling numb and trapped inside his body. He had thrown them away.
On the weekend, there had been a memorial service for Emily and her colleague which Jake had attended. It was the last place he had wanted to be, but his sense of duty had won out and together with Franklin, JJ and Nora, Corinne and Pete, Si, Alan and Jeff, Emily's coworkers and other friends and a surprisingly large number of people that knew Jake from the Marine Corps, he had endured the eulogies and condolences. He had hoped for detached calmness, but instead the event had brought on another wave of intense grief and anguish and had made Jake feel ashamed that he couldn't control his emotions in front of all these people, most of whom had only known him as an able-bodied, easy-going, stand-up kind of guy—a poster boy for the Marine Corps. Now he was none of these and it had only added to his torment.
O'Malley had been by a couple of times, first to remove the shunt and then to monitor the progress of the bone healing. After two weeks Jake had been able to use his hand again to some degree and he had soon insisted that Franklin go back home. Franklin had been hesitant to leave Jake on his own, but Jake wouldn't back down and the only concession he had made was to modify his promise to that he would not make another suicide attempt.
During the following couple of weeks he had been less volatile, but had remained withdrawn. The emotional detachment he experienced regarding the events of the past had for some time become his normal state of mind. Sometimes he felt like he was observing himself, knowing that his emotional responses were not entirely appropriate, but at the same time uncertain what they should be. Present events triggered emotional reflexes within Jake, but they, too, were modulated and without intensity.
He had declined all invitations during the holiday period; he didn't want to be among people. It was easier if days were indistinguishable from each other. He hadn't resumed his studies. The effort of sorting out the missed assignment and exams had seemed overwhelming. Most of these days were spent listening to music, going to the gym and sometimes playing video games or watching TV.
Jake was sitting on his bed. Aimlessly he flipped through the television channels after he had returned from the gym half an hour earlier and heated one of the ready-made dinners in the microwave. He had resumed his swimming routine some weeks ago, though he swam with less intensity, less determination. It was just a ritual now, not a means to an end. He hadn't returned to pushing weights yet, his right hand was still too week. At least that's what he told himself. He took the grip trainer off his nightstand and started squeezing it absentmindedly.
Jake's phone rang. He had connected it to the entertainment system, so the TV image faded into the background and Si's face appeared in the middle of the screen. Jake hesitated for a moment, but then he answered. The camera light came on indicating the mutual feed.
"Si."
"Hi Jake, how are you?"
"Okay."
"How's your hand?"
Jake lifted his hand next to his head so that Si could see him crunching the grip trainer. "It works."
"Jake I'm downstairs. Will you let me in, please?"
"I'm in bed."
"Then get the fuck out of your bed."
"Go away Si."
"I'm not going away. If you didn't want to talk to me you shouldn't have answered the fucking phone."
Jake sighed then released the lock on the downstairs airlock.
"Thank you!" Si pushed the door open grim faced.
Jake stayed on his bed, just opened the door to the apartment remotely when Si knocked. The door closed and Si walked into the bedroom. "Get up!"
Jake didn't move, just a pained expression appeared on his face.
"I said get the fuck up!"
"I can't even if I wanted to."
"Don't get all dialectical with me Jake. Get out of your fucking bed!"
"Si, please, just say what you have to say and leave me alone."
"No, I'm not leaving. You haven't set foot out of your apartment. You need to get out and we need to talk."
"I can't set my feet anywhere and I have been to the gym," was Jake's recalcitrant retort.
"Don't matter—you're coming with me now."
"I can't."
"Oh, yes, you can." Si leaned forward, grabbed Jake's wrist and pulled him over his shoulder. He straightened up, turned around and walked to the front door with the protesting Jake over his shoulder. On the way he picked Jake's leather jacket off the table then he opened the door and walked to the elevator. The door closed behind them.
"Hey, my chair."
"You're chair is staying at home."
"You bastard. How am I supposed to go anywhere without my chair."
Si was pleased to note that Jake's tone of whiny indifference had been replaced with traces of anger. "Like this."
They arrived at the ground floor. Si stepped out of the elevator and left the building, crossing the short distance to the visitor parking space where he'd left his SUV. He opened the passenger door and put Jake on the seat, handing him his leather jacket. "Here."
Jake pulled it out of Si's hand frustrated and put it on. "Fuck you, Si."
"Likewise you whiny ass bitch."
Si got in and started the truck.
"Where are we going anyway?"
"First we're going for a drive. Then I'll decide what to do with you next."
Jake stayed quiet, his face was drawn, his lips compressed into a grim line.
"Jake you need to get out of San Diego. This place is pulling you down."
Jake didn't respond and they drove in silence for a while.
"For fuck's sake, Jake talk to me. Why do you stay here? What is left here for you to hang around? It can't be your friends, because you're not talking to anyone of us."
"And what do I have elsewhere?"
"For one you have a brother who lives in New Jersey."
"Yes, who I'm not close to and who is going off to another solar system for eighteen years in about eight months' time."
"Well then maybe, just maybe, now would be a good time to get a bit closer."
"Did he put you up to this?"
"Tom? No, he's got nothing to do with it. Have you even spoken to him? Does he even know what happened?"
"Franklin called him."
"So you haven't even talked to your own brother?"
"No."
"Jake you need help. I mean serious psychological help."
"What's the point Si? What for? What purpose would it serve?" Jake's mental safeguards were evaporating and he felt his throat constrict and tears rising in his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Si, just pull over somewhere."
"Sure." They were driving through an area of row houses. Since they had left, the evening twilight had faded into complete darkness and the streets in this subdivision were dark and deserted. Si turned into a short cul-de-sac and stopped at the bottom of the turning circle in front of a large retaining wall. The darkness in this spot was even more complete. He looked at Jake whose silhouette was faintly illuminated in the light of the instrument panel. He was still holding the bridge of his nose. His chest was heaving and all of a sudden he turned his head to Si and the words and tears burst out of him. "Emily was pregnant, Si. We were going to have a baby."
Si shut off the engine as he felt his own throat constrict. He moved closer to Jake onto the middle console and pulled the sobbing Jake into his arms. With a choked voice he said. "I am so sorry Jake. I am so sorry." Si kept repeating these four words over and over and kept rocking Jake in his arms as long as Jake's tears were running down his face.
Eventually Jake calmed down. He pushed himself back up to lean his head against the headrest of his seat and looked at Si who was still sitting on the middle console. This last breakdown and having shared his agonizing secret had been cathartic. Finally Jake felt that for the first time he could think of Emily with affection, without being bowled over by grief. He even smiled a tentative, sad smile to himself.
Si's voice was just a whisper. "Have you told anyone else?"
Jake shook his head. "No I haven't. I can't, at least not Franklin."
Jake smiled his sad smile again then he said very quietly and carefully. "You may as well know the rest of it. She only told me the evening before. She was so happy and surprised. We both were. With my type of injury, conceiving naturally is almost impossible. So we didn't even think it could happen. We even picked names, Sean or Melissa." Jake felt on the verge of slipping back into the dissociative state, but for the moment he still held on.
"Jake I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me. I have always looked up to you. To me you were always the role model, the perfect Marine. Semper Fi—always faithful to the ideals of the Corps: honor, commitment and courage. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you just did."
"It's strange how all of a sudden a concept like courage can take on an entirely new meaning."
"You know, when I was still in Venezuela and after two weeks of uncertainty they told us that you would make it, but that you would remain paralyzed, I thought it would be hard to come back and to see you in a wheelchair, but it was okay—but to see you drown in all that sorrow that was really difficult, because you are the best Jake, the strongest, the guy who takes any adversity in stride and who gets up again every time you get knocked down, but this time I thought you were down for the count."
Jake stared outside into the darkness for a while. Then he said in a whisper, "I almost didn't make it." He started tracing his left index finger along the faint scar on the top of his right hand, back and forth; feeling for the wire, but it was concealed by the tendon above the bone. After another minute or so he continued, his voice still hoarse. "Sometimes values alone are not enough, Si. You mentioned trust. Sometimes you forget who you are and you stop trusting yourself. If you don't know who you are then honor, commitment and courage are just like empty shells. They are just words without meaning because meaning comes from knowing where you stand in relation to them."
They continued to sit in silence for a while, both men in their own worlds. Then Jake said, "I think you're right. Maybe now would be a good time to get closer to Tom. He has made the effort, maybe now it should be my turn. I can always come back here after he leaves."
"I think it would be the right thing to do."
"I would like to go somewhere else now."
"Sure." Si started the engine.
"I want you to come there with me; not only because you have to carry me, but also because I think I will need more of your moral support."
Jake gave him the address and Si entered it into his GPS.
"It's late so it should be empty as well."
"What is this place?"
"It's a crypt."
"Is this where Emily…"
"Yes—I haven't had the courage to go there yet, but I think now would be a good time."
They arrived half an hour later. The building was larger than Jake had expected. It was circular and squat in a neo-romanesque style and without any exterior windows.
The double entrance door had an electronic lock and keypad that allowed family members entry at all hours. Jake, suspended over Si's shoulder again, typed in the key code written on the piece of paper Franklin had given him weeks ago. He had hidden it away in the inside pocket of his leather jacket.
The lock clicked open. Inside there was an outer circular corridor separated from an inner hall by thick, evenly spaced roman columns; the typical flattened arches connecting them were supporting the flat domed roof over the circular inner hall.
Si carried Jake inside. The inner hall was completely dark, but gentle light from the outer corridor fell in through the gaps between the columns. Even in the dim light the marble and granite patterns laid into the floor and walls looked beautiful. Marble benches with dark red cushions were arranged in a circle around the room leaving a large empty space at the center.
"Please put me down in the middle of the floor."
"And now? It's dark in here."
"Here." Jake handed Si the folded piece of paper. "There was a terminal by the entrance, just key in the second number."
Si took the paper and went back to the door. The terminal prompted him for the number and then for a music choice and Si who felt it would be irreverent to shout and ask Jake for his preference selected Classical and Bach-Requiem. He didn't know it, but hoped it would be appropriate. Then while the music started playing he walked back into the crypt and sat down next to Jake.
Jake was lying flat on his back. In principle he knew what to expect, but when the music started he felt his throat and chest tighten and he was glad that his brain allowed him the emotional response. Silent tears made tracks down the sides of his face again. The lights in the outer corridor dimmed and slowly, like night falling, the domed ceiling of the inner hall started to glow. It was the glow of millions of stars on a moonless night and each star was a small diamond set into the ceiling. Each diamond had been artificially created from the body of a person, the remaining carbon compressed into the diamond's crystalline structure and polished to take its place in the artificial firmament.
Together with the enchanting music it was breathtakingly and heartrendingly beautiful. First, all stars lit up with the same intensity, but then like in the real night sky, some would be made to stand out more, others less to create the illusion of constellations—and the brightest one was Emily shining down on Jake. Jake pushed himself up and rolled himself over so that his head came to rest against Si's chest and one more time he cried for Emily and the baby and the future that would never be.
Eventually all the stars faded completely except for the one and the music faded to a gentle background murmur.
Jake sat up, pulling in his legs into a cross legged position. His voice was hoarse again when he spoke aloud towards the single star. "Good-bye Emily. Thank you for the wonderful time we had. Thank you for giving me strength. Thank you for bringing me back to life. You have shown me that it's possible. It must be possible again."
This time it was Si's throat that constricted and he shed some silent tears both in sadness and in gratitude.