Observations of a Cupid Captain

Report written by: Dr. Owen Harper

Observed: Valentine's Day

Specimens: Captain Jack Harkness

Report commences:

Oh my God. The Captain has finally cracked.

I just walked into the Hub, and it's…PINK. A vivid and completely nauseating shade of bright pink that somehow reminds me of little giggling girls and fat naked babies with arrows. And are those little red confetti hearts falling from the ceiling? How did this happen?

There can be only one person responsible for this.

Huh. Speak of the devil. The Captain just came out wearing—Oh, you have got to be kidding me. He's dressed like a cupid, complete with little fake wings and a bow and arrows.

"Hey there!" He greets me, a huge smile on his face.

"What the heck did you do?" I'm completely stunned.

He grins at me. "Happy Valentine's Day!" he sings, twirling around. "You like the decorations?"

"wha-?" I regain my senses. "No! I do NOT like the decorations!"

He pouts. "Why not?"

"Why not?!" This guy is an IDIOT. "The Hub looks like the room of a deranged seven year old girl! I HATE PINK! And this stupd confetti is bugging the hell out of me! No, I definitely do not like it! I COMPLETELY NOT LIKE IT!"

That's when the Teaboy walks in. "Oh, hi Owen. I see you're telling the idiot how bad his idea is."

"You gotta problem with that?" I was not in a good mood.

"Nope." He looks bored. "Maybe you can knock some sense into him."

"Oh come on!" The Captain seems to have reverted to the level of a hyper ten year old. "Don't be such party poopers!" He dissolves into giggles, though I don't see what's funny.

"Squee!"

I wince…only one person possess vocal cords with that level of sound.

"HEY GWEN!" The Captain screeches happily.

"Jack!" Gwen screeches back! "I love the decorations!"

"Yay!" He squeals. "At last, someone who truly understands art!"

"Art? I'll give you art! You annoying little-!" I take a deep breath and count to 10. 'Remain calm,' I say silently. 'Remain calm!'

"Oh my gosh!" Tosh walks in. "Did an alien attack?"

"Sorry Tosh!" the Captain beams. "No aliens! It's all me!"

"Unfortunately," the Teaboy mutters.

"Ok!" the Captain calls. "Gather round, gather round!"

He waits till we were all listening to him.

"First of all, happy Valentine's Day!" He says happily. "Since it's Valentine's Day, I hereby give everyone the day off. Gwen, go and spend some time with Rhys, kay?"

She grins. "Sure thing! Thanks Jack!" And she goes off, already dialing Rhys's number.

The Captain watches her go with a satisfied look on his face. Then he notices the Teaboy walking away.

"Ianto, wait! You're with me!" He calls. "I'm taking you to lunch!"

The Teaboy pauses. "You'd better change out of those ridiculous clothes first," he answers, but with a smile on his face.

The Captain laughs and begins to walk away with the Teaboy. I shrug and watch them go. The idea of a lonely Valentine's Day didn't appeal to me, so I turn to Tosh. "Hey Tosh, wanna go for a drink or something?"

She smiles at me, looking surprised. "Sure."

She and I go off, leaving the Hub empty and silent, except for the sound of gently falling confetti.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

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